<p>I really feel for your daughter. This whole situation of asking for your daughter to leave, and being upset that she wants to be in her room a lot is unfortunate. It is HER room also. She has a right to be there. If her roommate thinks that she is not fun, too bad! </p>
<p>It is interesting to read some comments on this forum from more outgoing members who had more retiring roommates and felt frustrated with them. I can certainly understand how disappointing it is when your roommate is not very “fun.” One of my kids is going through a similar situation. And I am encouraging him constantly to GET OVER IT. Learn to appreciate that having a quiet, considerate roommate is a gift, even if the roommate is not a fun, wild kid.</p>
<p>As for the RA, it’s a great idea. Just remember that RAs are students, NOT trained counselors. If the RA comes up with a poor solution, you may want to consider going to a higher level. And switching rooms is a good idea if the meeting does not work out. There is nothing wrong with getting out of a bad roommate situation.</p>
<p>It’s possible RM already has a replacement roommate in mind and wants your D out so she can room with her friend. It also could explain some of her antagonistic behavior - she didn’t gel with your D, found someone she liked better, and was determined to make a switch. Maybe your D could try to find out if someone is waiting in the wings? If so, D might have more leverage.</p>
<p>I like two Dr. Phil quotes, and one of them applies here … Do you want to be right, or do you want to solve the problem? The roomie may be a shrew, but if digging her heels in on principle causes dd more stress than I say it’s find to cut bait and be the one to leave.</p>
<p>This is what happened to me in college, but there was no antagonism involved. My roommate wanted to room with someone more compatible. I liked the person the other girl was leaving behind, and she liked me. A switch was made. End of problem.</p>
<p>If this is the situation, all your daughter has to do is make sure that the leftover roommate she would be sharing with is not a complete nut.</p>
Instead of taking care of a drunk every weekend, she could have notified the RA and let them handle it. No roommate should have to take care of a drunk – the RAs are at least trained to deal with this kind of thing.</p>
<p>My daughter’s roommate didn’t have another roommate in mind, she wanted a double room to herself and she got it. In addition to being miserable to my daughter she enlisted the help of her sorority sisters on the floor to harass my daughter. My daughter held out until housing came up with a new room that worked for her. We didn’t want her to move to another bad situation. Once a good situation was offered, she jumped at it. It did stink that we were paying more for a small single room and the roommate got to keep the whole double for herself at no extra charge but the stress and anxiety was taking a toll on my daughter.</p>
<p>azcatz, I’m with you. Your D is being treated badly and it’s unfair that the roommate gets to call the shots. Your D should definitely speak to the RA’s superior. The RA is just a student - there are adults who are full time employees of the college who have more authority and who might see things differently than the RA and be more helpful to your daughter. (For instance, the RA won’t likely have the complete picture of room availability elsewhere on campus.) If the roommate feels uncomfortable, she should be thinking about leaving; she shouldn’t be trying to force your D out.</p>
<p>My .02 - Freshman year, D’s 2 roommates partied all the time, had boys over, and really disturbed D’s limited study/sleep time. She drew the line at pot-smoking, but otherwise tried to keep the peace. Second year, after a pre-school switch, it looked like she had an awesome roomie, and suitemates who would work out fine. Her roomie turned out to be what the kids call “cray cray.” Demanded lights out and no sound by 9pm - and D usually did not even get home from rehearsals until midnight to START her homework. Had a prescription for medical marijuana and thought that meant she could smoke in the room. And when D got a serious BF, demanded that he not be in the room at all, ever, even for movie-watching, etc. Went to the RA and complained and caused all kinds of problems for D. The other suitemates had issues, too. One was from Korea and skyped home at all hours of the night. Turns out, at semester break, roomie switches schools without telling anyone and Korean suitemate disappears. D & other suitemate ended up with private rooms the rest of the year. They did try to move one girl in but she also wanted lights out/quiet very early and D nixed that immediately! Now D is in her second year of apartment living and just got rid of another toxic female roommate. It’s D and 3 young men (2 post-grads) in a 4 bdrm and they are blissfully happy. She has her private bath so doesn’t share, everyone gets along. She’s kind of the mother hen. We’ve decided she definitely is better off with male roommates!</p>
<p>Hey everyone–
I really do appreciate all your perspectives!</p>
<p>Just an update. D has stayed with her friend the last 2 nights and has contacted the head person at the dorm (I don’t know her title) who says she will do what she can to facilitate a room change. D didn’t mention in the email that she has a friend with a vacancy who is willing to let her move in, so I’m hoping once she does that it will make things easier.</p>
<p>D and the dorm person will meet early next week to try to get things ironed out. In the meantime, I am going to pick D up for the weekend so she’ll get a little break. She can only stay in friend’s room 3 consecutive nights per dorm policy, so she’s going to HAVE to go back to staying in the room by the middle of next week.</p>
<p>One interesting thing (and, I admit, it’s a little catty on my part) is that D has another musician friend on her floor who is also rooming with an artist (D lives in an arts college residence hall. She is a musician, but RM is a visual artist) and wouldn’t have minded swapping rooms. When D’s friend asked her roommate if she would be willing to have D’s roommate as HER roommate, the response was “H** no! No one on the floor can stand her!” So maybe it’s NOT completely D’s problem :).</p>
<p>Anyway, thanks again everyone for helping me maintain my sanity!</p>
Wording sounds a little vague. Perhaps your D needs to send an e-mail stating her understanding of the conversation. Remember, if it isn’t in writing, it never happened (all too often, unfortunately!).</p>
<p>Azcatz, sounds like things are getting resolved. My D has similar problems with her freshman roommate. She was irritated that my D was in the room a lot. Problem was that D had mono and just getting to her classes was about as much as she could do. </p>
<p>Roommate was mean to D and talked about her to others on the floor. Wanted them to switch rooms after fall semester. Lots of girls would have been happy to have D but no one wanted the roommate. Kind of karmic retribution :). Roommate pledged a sorority spring semester and D’s health got better. They stuck it out for the year and while it wasn’t great, it worked.</p>
<p>My daughter had the quiet in the room all the time roommate freshman year. She was slightly annoyed but the RM has the right to be there. DD spent alot of time at her BF’s apt I think.
Sophomore year she had a whole drama thing much like the OP. She was with some athletes who definitely wanted her out…they had their boyfriend sleep in the suite many days of the week. She did go to the RA after a while and ended up moving elsewhere in the dorm.
Junior year she is in a just off campus apt where she has her own bathroom/bedroom and share the kitchen/LR. I think she will just have the usual “who cleans the kitchen” and “you need to buy paper towels” type of issues.</p>
<p>Just wanted to thank you all again and let you know that the situation has been resolved and D is very happy.</p>
<p>She came home over the weekend and RM spent the weekend texting her asking when she’d be out, when she was taking the refrigerator, etc. D didn’t respond which made RM crazy :)</p>
<p>On Monday she met with the Hall director who offered her a single in the same hall–just 2 floors up. She is next door to a friend from the Horn studio (she’s a Horn player) and still in the Artists colony. </p>
<p>Hall Director says there will be someone in her old space very soon, so if RM thought she’d be getting a single out of the deal, she was mistaken.</p>
<p>Anyway, D has the key to both rooms till Saturday when I will go up and help move her into the new space.</p>
<p>It really couldn’t have turned out any better. As D says “It may be a closet, but it’s MY closet!”</p>
<p>Great outcome, but I am a bit shocked at some parents who felt extroverted more social butterfly roommates were entitled to be annoyed at having introverted serious roommates who preferred studying/spending time in their room. I strongly disagree. </p>
<p>What’s forgotten in all this is that the introverted studious roommate has just as much of a right to use the same shared room as the extrovert social butterfly roommate who is inclined to turn the room into party central. </p>
<p>There’s also an element that regardless of whether one’s an extrovert social butterfly or an introvert studious person, both have to be considerate enough to understand they’re not going to get their way and barring concessions which come at the expense of one’s academics/sleep schedule<em>, some compromise is needed from both sides…especially the one who wants to bring guests into a shared room</em>*. </p>
<ul>
<li>Academics/sleep schedule to facilitate that is IMO always priority #1. All else is secondary.<br></li>
</ul>
<p>** With few exceptions IME, students who turned their shared dorm room into party/social central tended to have serious academic/time management issues and conflicts with roommates and/or next door dormmates. I ended up having to help mediate a few conflicts between a younger friend who set up his dorm as a “party central” room, one of the roommates, and the other hallmates. Fortunately, he was more than willing to concede a lot towards the end…especially considering his party-central habits despite my advice against it ended up causing his GPA to drop nearly to the point of potential academic suspension if he didn’t shape up. Ironically, while he’s been out of school for a while, that GPA dip is still affecting him today as some performance reviews with his supervisor did cite that as a factor in why he has been promoted at a slower rate than peers hired in the same year/job level.</p>