Yes, they do go to the same school, he’s doing CS here at Purdue. 
It’s a tough major, which makes me even more concerned.
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I respectfully disagree. Why compound and add to his anxiety. You are there for support if and when needed or asked. That is not currently the situation.
Step back and let him deal with it. He will surprise you if you let him by giving him the space to do so.
Lastly why do you care what any one on CC think? The only one that knows your son better then you, is your son and he seems to think he has got the situation under control.
Push to hard and next time he just won’t tell you.
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Thank you for clarifying the living situation a bit. Since it’s an apartment with individual bedrooms, if it were my kid- I would encourage him to stake his claim on the common areas of the apartment. Be a presence instead of a ghost who goes home a lot. Surely the roommates aren’t partying 24/7 - there has to be opportunities for cordial conversation. He doesn’t have to be BFF’s with the roommates, or even be compatible, but as long as they aren’t being cruel to him in some intentional way (and it doesn’t seem like being loud or bringing girls home is an intentional slight to your son - unless you have evidence otherwise), I don’t see why they can’t exist in the same space, unless of course the partying is 24/7.
Every kid’s threshold for living with others is different. In my observation, kids who come from large families where there is room-sharing and multiple people using a bathroom may adapt faster than an only child who has never had to share their space (obviously there are exceptions) - my kids are far apart in age and have essentially been only children for a large part of their lives. I worried about them transitioning from their large bedrooms/single bathrooms to hall-style dorms - I was pleasantly surprised by both (D21’s only been at for a little over a week but doing well, so fingers crossed!)
There’s no shame in wanting to live alone. He can still be a very involved, social person and want to come home to his own space at the end of the day.
ETA- if they are partying that much, the good news is they probably won’t last long at Purdue
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They aren’t intentionally cruel. One of them is even smart and courteous. The other one is different. He told me “what’s uuuup” when I introduced myself and he seems to be aggressive aka “WHO THE F*** PARKED IN MY SPACE???” type lol He does make some conversation, and he did hang out with people coming there here and there, but he just says “it’s just not my people and it’s not the type of people I want to hang out with”.
The bad news is that there are some majors at Purdue where you don’t need to study all that hard, or at all, so I don’t think there is much hope in them flunking out lol It’s like it’s two different schools, depending on your major.
I just felt I want to talk to someone, because I’m conflicted between steping back and “doing something”. My gut feeling is to step back, but watch and and interevene too if things go worse or his schoolwork is affected. So I’ll let him figure this out until October or so…and then we need to discuss option for Spring if things aren’t getting better. By getting better I mean him not dreading going to his place. I don’t think it’s good for him.
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Please know I entirely empathize and understand how standing down runs contrary to our instincts as parents.
My wife always reminds me that we as parents are incapable of being happier then our “least” happy kid at any point in time. Good luck and as I mentioned before I wouldn’t listen to me or anyone else😀
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The OP knows her child best.
I’ve intervened on behalf of my kid. I am very glad I did it. He resisted. If I hadn’t intervened, he would have failed a class in his major. Some parents would say “let him fail.” That might be the best choice for some. I wasn’t going to let that happen if I could help it.
I forced him to be proactive in order to fix the situation. He got himself into a hole and didn’t know how to get out of it. He didn’t want to tell us he was struggling with the class. Pride, thinking he was smart enough to handle it, who knows. I helped him find a tutor. I insisted that he meet with the TA and the prof. I made him bcc me on emails to be sure he had done it. He pulled the grade up to a C.
I am very sure he won’t get into that sort of situation again, but in my case, I played the parent card. I would do it again, if needed. I know that if I hadn’t stepped in, he would have failed the class. And failing a class in his major is a terrible outcome.
My son’s situation was very different from this one. It will be up to the OP to decide if she needs to intervene, of course.
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So stressful, I hear you! I would totally intervene as well in the situation you described. I am actually on stand by to see if he needs a tutor for Calc, because I’m hearing horror stories.
I think I’m stepping back for now, but watch and be ready to intervene if needed. I want him to feel I gave him a chance to figure things out before I start my helicopter … It hasn’t even been a week. But last night, he just told me it was the “worst ever”, with lots of people over playing a horror game…
Thankful to everyone for all the ideas, it helps me sort out my thoughts.
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Good luck to your son. Despite the possible good life lessons (questionable), it does stink when you get assigned incompatible roommates. For sure, it is wildly different from the typical freshman double since he has a single bedroom at least, but still unpleasant. I think it sounds like you have a good plan and good attitude. I totally understand that it’s useful to crowdsource some ideas on a forum like this, and then obviously decide to do/advise whatever sounds best to you and your circumstances.
One thing that I didn’t see mentioned that maybe I’d be concerned about is that your family home is there. On one hand, it sounds like this has been a nice oasis for him. But it could become a crutch. I would be concerned he’s missing out on getting more entrenched at school if he comes home a lot. Maybe if you discourage him sleeping at home, the situation on campus will come to a head sooner for him and he’ll seek a remedy, and in the meantime, he’s apt to meet more of his peeps the less time he spends at home. Obviously I don’t know the quantity of time he’s spending at home, and I can see why it might seem like a lovely safe haven, but I’d at least think hard about if having that safe haven is in some way impeding his moving forward. No doubt he and you will do the right things, and he will someday laugh about this! It’s so healthy that you all realize that just because some kids want to do different things like go to parties and invite girls in doesn’t make them bad people, but certainly the more aggressive-sounding kid—there’s no reason to have to live with someone like that. None of us would like that at all!! Best of luck to your son!
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It sounds like he is not the typical freshman who has just left home. He may be more mature, and may feel a little like a fish out of water for that reason.
I am glad to hear he has his own room. One of my kids was in a similar situation and just stayed in their room and saw friends outside of the living situation.
I am maybe more concerned than most about COVID.
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Reading through, it looks like you have clarified a few things:
- Your son wants to handle it on his own 2) He wants to stay, and to get along. So…it sounds like stepping back is the right choice, and congrats to your son for making these choices! Provide support and an ear. I also think he would benefit from advocating for himself with his roommates, but this should be at his comfort level, and sounds like it might just be some conversations with them, over time. Yes, these won’t be the best buddy roommates that so many kids want to have, but…roommates with different social levels, etc, can and do co-exist, and even happily so. I think if he just talks to them here and there, like when he is invited out, just say ‘I’m not much of a partier, but thanks! Have fun’ and also be casual, yet talk about, about the other issues like girls and noise. If your son isn’t willing to try a roommate change, I think just trying to get along while not being a doormat is possible! Good luck
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My daughters have taken, or are taking, a gap year that involves being away from home and working. Waiting to see impact on D2, but the eldest was VERY over the freshman antics when she arrived at college.
As for calming down, flunking out… my D’s ‘little’ in her sorority has a non competitive major and is out at frats and bars 4+ times a week. And has a 3.3 GPA.
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Yes, I actually think I mentioned that I do worry about his coming home too much becoming detrimental. I think he is struggling with it and working on not doing that, but I think time will tell. So far, he has been home quite a bit, and it’s only been a few days.
Of course kids who want to be more social in different ways than my son does are not bad kids. We are not all the same, wouldn’t that be boring? We just need to find people we are compatible with that’s all.
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I am concerned about COVID, mostly for us parents rather than for him. He is a very sturdy kid healthwise and he’s vaccinated. I suggested we buy rapid tests and he takes them every couple of days or once a week before he comes home. We are all vaccinated, but my husband has diabetes and was among the first being vaccinated (healthcare), so not sure how his immunity is by now.
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I think that is a good reason to either limit his in and out trips to home, or, as you say, require a lot of testing. If your home has space and more than one bathroom, that helps. One of mine came home last year and my apartment is tiny, so for 3 months she didn’t see anyone. We are all vaccinated now but with health conditions like your husband (and me actually) things are still feeling scary.
I went to college after a couple of years doing things after high school and felt quite alienated at first. I joined a household of much older people who had finished college some time before, and was happier.
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My suggestion is that your son seek out the local LGBTQ+ community and see if he could seek a friendly dorm or social group.
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I find that the one thing I forget to ask is, “Is there anything I can I do to help you?” Sometimes they just want someone they know who cares and will listen. Other times they really don’t know what to do and this question allows me to go down the path of, “Would it be helpful if I …?” And it may then be met with yes or no. If there is nothing they want me to do, then I invest time in something to lift their spirits. We all need that sometimes.
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If this were the 1970’s, you wouldn’t even know about most of the conflict- we all called home once a week to let our parents know we were alive, and to get the news from home (younger siblings, Grandma having gall bladder surgery, dog did something cute).
Just some perspective.
I think when your kid tells you “I want to do it my way” and it’s not something that involves a massive and likely health/safety issue- leave it alone. Your son may, in fact be able to work this through. Or he may want your help a month from now. Or one of the roommates may drop out, have to go home to quarantine from Covid, and the problem could solve itself.
I think you’ve got three next steps here-
1- Remind your son that you are confident that he can fix this to his satisfaction.
2- Keep the covid risks to a minimum right now (I would not be allowing a college student to pop in and out if I had a family member at higher risk than normal, but that’s me and I’ve seen too many tragic situations this year of reasonably healthy people infecting people with higher risk profiles).
3- Take up knitting, mow the lawn, bake. Anything that is sufficiently distracting and keeps you from answering the phone when he calls. I think he WILL find a solution, but it will take some 1970’s parenting on your part (i.e. put down the phone, walk away from the laptop, disable your text function) to get him there.
I’ve got neighbors who are so incredibly “on top of” every single challenge their freshmen are facing I wonder how their kids find time to study or go to office hours! Maybe less communication right now until he formulates a plan???
Hugs. You’ll get through this and so will he!!!
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That’s he’s already been home a lot and college has just started is concerning. Students who live on campus tend to make their friends at the weekends. If he isn’t around to meet people, he will very quickly discover that people have made friends and won’t necessarily be thinking about including him. It’s hard to get to know people when you don’t see them much outside the academic setting.
A lot of us have seen this before . It’s not that his experience is doomed yet, but he should strongly consider forcing himself to just endure for a bit if his goal is to stay on campus. He should force himself to go to parties or gatherings even if he doesn’t feel like it. Maybe that’s not his scene, but he might meet other people who are doing the same thing while they find their feet. People are unlikely to keep asking if he turns down everything or escapes frequently.
He should also avail himself of club or volunteer opportunities on campus, or get a campus job. Those are good ways to meet like minded people.
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Harder to be 1970s because I’m 1 mile from his “dorm” and he comes home. But I hear you.