Just here to say: big hugs to you and your son. 
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I agree with whoever said you know your son best. My oldest is 20 and there’s not much I could say that would resonate except something along the lines of ‘we’ll always love you, this is always your home, and you are always welcome here no matter what’. This kid of mine does not respond to tough love and I would never suggest not coming home as much, but that’s my kid not yours. Yours might respond to some ‘get back over there and meet some new people’ coaching. I just know my kid has to do things their own way with minimal pushing from the parentals — we are the safety net.
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Hmm, I thought most dorms and such have things like quiet hours, etc. (10pm-8am)? Sounds to me like he should talk to his RA about it.
When I was in college many years ago we had some drama like that in our dorm room. There were 4 of us in there because of the way that the dorm room was set up. It was more like a suite with 2 side individual rooms (I got lucky with one of these) and a central big room for 2 people.
The other side room was taken by a sophomore and he had a nice stereo system and liked to play music really loudly.
Personally I didn’t mind the music. It just didn’t bother me. He had his door closed and even though you could hear it, it was fine.
But the other 2 roommates absolutely hated it. They would yell at him to make him shut it off. He agreed to shut it off but wanted to know a time window when he would be permitted to play his music.
The 2 roommate basically said “only when we are both not home.” Guy found that unreasonable because there wasn’t always an easy way to know when people are home if he’s in his room and the door is closed. He wanted something like “from noon-5pm play music as much as you want”…
In the end the RA intervened and guy was told to play music more softly during the day but turn it off in the evenings when others are studying.
Seem like the RA can and should handle these situations. Not all students have a home nearby that they can go to and it’s not fair to them to make them put up with late parties, etc. in the room.
I visited a High School friend who went to a different University and when I got to his dorm room, I noticed he had rearranged the room in such a way that the desk/dressers/etc. where all piled up in the middle of the room to essentially make a wall so there are 2 individual rooms in there with privacy. After he did that a bunch of others in the dorm did the same thing. Maybe there is a creative way that they can rearrange the room to make more separate areas with more privacy for times when that’s wanted…
I have worked in residence life and I know the RAs always say if there’s any problem talk to them because they might be able to help you work out a roommate contract or in a case like this they might help you find a new roommate.
Really involve parents will sometimes drop an email or a phone call to the hall director and ask them not to mention that they had called but just have the RA check in on him to see how he’s doing and then he might mention it to the RA if there are is actually asking how things are going.
Or you could simply mention that you know that lots of kids change roommates and it might make his roommates happier as well as making him happier… One lesson that people have to learn in college is that asking for help or making changes isn’t weak and point out to him that I have to do this in his classes as well so it’s good practice to do it here.
You might also remind him that he’s paying good money for this opportunity to live in the housing And as a customer he deserves a quality living experience so he should want his money’s worth which is not being weak it’s being strong to want to switch to a room where he can be happy and think he’s getting his money’s worth.
But yes if you let him work it out on his own I’m sure he’ll deal with it in some way but it seems good to help him understand that that’s not weakness. If anything is weakness it’s going along with a miserable situation and just putting up with it and paying for it
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Freshman year can be rough. Especially with different backgrounds. Have been there with my son. Second year gets much better. If he can join different activities and clubs hopefully he can find some friends.
All the best.
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Everyone is giving great options and advice. You are definitely in a very tough parent position living and working so close to the school.
Here’s my take:
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He’s a Very independent guy given his living on his own in other states and working since age 17. So the solutions for a typical freshman dorm experience don’t really apply to him.
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He’s too mature for this living situation. And these roommates are simply a bad match since they want an “Animal House”- type freshman living vibe. It’s never going to get better with these roommates. They are who they are and both seem to like living like this with constant party chaos and girls around. So talking with them about “house rules” prob not going to work.
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Being gay is further making the situation uncomfortable for him with lots of girls coming and going and (loud?) sexual activities in the small apt.
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The ideal solution - that he needs to figure out on his own given his independent nature - is to find his own peeps with similar values to live with.
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His peeps are most likely more mature, older? and prob some are part of the LBGT campus community AND his computer science major on campus. Any other hobbies or interest? (My older son found his better-fit sophomore roommates through his college debate team which he joined. He still is good friends with these people at age 28).
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So I would encourage your son to immediately go to 3/4 club or group “welcome meetings” and get involved with those he’s interested in. Get really involved as quickly as he can. This will require his being very proactive.
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Once he finds more of his peeps with similar values he will gradually make friends with them and organically he will encounter opportunities for changing his living situation.
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Just changing to a new random dorm or new strange roommate situation doesn’t guarantee any improvement and could be even worse. Unless there is a single room in some Computer Science specific dorm - which may happen as a percentage of freshman drop out or also move around.
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He knows all this deep down. He’s biding his time till he meets these new people. Let him do this at his own pace. But def suggest he go get involved in new clubs and activities to meet more people.
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Remember, being uncomfortable and having to “get through” tough situations is a growth experience and part of everyone’s life at some point. This situation will ultimately make him stronger and more confident as a person.
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You mom need to try to stay out of this as much as possible. He’s been trying to tell you this with his reactions to you. Just listen when he needs it. Hard to do for everyone on this site. We feel you.
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I recommend you also go out more yourself with your friends to keep your mind clear from this problem — drink some wine, try to laugh more, whatever you do to make yourself more relaxed. That keeps you strong to be a better parent too.
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Time will eventually help this situation. So give this time. School JUST started. Let your son get through this in his own way, and on his own time frame, which is definitely what he’s signaling to you.
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Trust your awesome son. He sounds wise and mature and knows what’s important for himself. I’m confident things will change for him by 2nd semester.
Best of luck. We are All rooting for you and your son.
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I empathize. Hopefully these ideas might help. Don’t ask him to move home, that’s not empowering and he will feel like he’s failed or given up. My oldest, a Junior, is an RA & sees this stuff all the time. Her golden rule is the first six weeks are crucial for roommate contracts and agreements. She spoke to her entire floor at a floor meeting about roommate agreement contracts. This is a “thing”, very common. If he goes privately to his RA and the RA then broaches the topic in a floor meeting your son can stay anonymous and just be following a RA suggestion when he acts. When a student makes it about them, not the other’s crazy behavior, it makes it easier to speak up i.e. "because my classes are demanding and I have some early mornings I really need quiet where I live after 10pm or “this is where I live and I really need a place to unwind when I come home, could you take that to their place?”. My youngest just started college a week ago and she found someone online ahead for a roommate. Ironically now that she’s at school they really don’t ‘vibe’ that much, but their conversations had been about not being big drinkers, wanting a clean quiet room and not having boys over. So their ground rules are working out great whether they ever become friends or not. RA’s come in 10 days early, get training, and it’s literally their job to help people find their voice when they feel awkward or intimidated. If the RA doesn’t help they should be fired, it’s the job description. First month is the key time to speak up! Supporting my daughter who has a tough job being an RA we talked about it before she even got back to campus, just tell them “what you do is your business, I understand you may want to party, just NOT HERE!” Her halls quickly get the rep’ of being NOT the place to go for girls spending the night, drinking, or cramming too many people into a dorm room. Trust me, she still gets woken up in the middle of the night dealing with noise and problems, but the reputation of taking it elsewhere spreads. He can do the same, act very understanding, say "hey, I get it, I know it’s a good time being at school (whether he feels that way or not), but simply say ‘I need you to take it somewhere else’. Have fun, just at her place, not ours. If they say her place isnt an option, he can repeat “just not here”. Trust me, the partiers always find somewhere else to go. It’s important to speak up, but if he can’t yet there’s always the text to the RA complaining about drunken noise. That’s anonymous (he can even obviate in the text he wishes to stay anonymous if he’s nervous). I can’t tell you the number of times my daughter gets those and then bangs on doors at midnight or 1 or 2am saying “I have complaints that people can’t sleep because of the noise coming from this room, clear it out!”. They have no idea who complained, which neighbor, just that they are too loud. A few of those and they find someone else’s apartment to party in. I have found the best support through this crazy transition into adulthood is to support them not by jumping in, but by being their biggest fan. Give advice of things he can say to get his problem solved(“make it about you, not them…I know you can do it!” Or, “that RA wants to help you, once you talk to someone it will get easier, I know it will. Let me know how it goes!”). I get calls when they feel overwhelmed or the staff meeting was frustrating, or whatever, and then they hang up and move ahead feeling supported while I’m left worrying (I’m learning not to worry as much!). They feel better and move on! We “catch” the hard moments and hopefully put wind in their sails to be brave. It’s tough to find your voice as a new person at college, but we can help them do it. Rooting for you!
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Thanks everyone for all the support and great advice! Fingers crossed things will get better in time, when he meets more people. Club meets start next week and he plans to go to some. I told him to not be super picky and narrow in what he goes to, whatever is remotely close to something he’d enjoy, he should try.
My husband and I are actually leaving for a 1 week vacation tonight. That will give him the space he needs in the club welcome week. I will update you once a few weeks pass. 
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Thank you
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Big hugs sent. I feel for your and his situation. It’s my sons first year there too. He was there for BGR last week and met some of people during that. I know how you are torn between being there and letting him take it.
I totally get your worries about the Calc too. Is he one to get involved in study groups? I think that will be key to success because they hit the ground running. These will be friends that will share the same interest and goals. They will also be a sounding board for him if it’s just an ear to rant to or gain some support. Get your ducks in a row for a tutor before you need it.
Do his roommates know your son is gay? How open and comfortable is your son being gay? Does the college have an LGBTQ organization from whom he can get support? This situation sounds a little more problematic than the usual ‘we don’t like each other’ roommate situation. How long has be been in school? I too think he should take some action - talk to DA, counselor etc. Being miserable is not a demonstration of strength - taking action to fix a situation is. But I suppose you have have told him that a million times. I would not do anything like sign him up on lists etc. without his agreement. I took a similar action for our LGBTQ son and he did not take it well. Good luck.
I’m so impressed by your kid. To have lived and managed the life he has already is more than most of our incoming first-years have. He’s definitely got the skills to solve this situation. Or learn to live with it.
That said, for me it usually comes back to using the same phrase with my two. Over and over again. After hearing about an issue (complaining or explaining 
), I try to respond with “Sounds like you’re dealing with something really tough there. What can I do to help?”
Sometimes the answer is “I just need someone to vent to.” Okay, I’m here for that.
Sometimes the answer is “Well actually it would be great if you could…” Okay, I can do that.
Sometimes the answer is “I have no idea.” Okay, makes sense, this would be tough for most people to manage. If you want help thinking it through, I’ve got you.
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I just read through this thread and found the situation more complex and nuanced than more ‘typical’ rough starts. Your son sounds thoughtful and interesting and I am curious how he has been doing. I hope you update soon. And…since it really isn’t about us 
…I hope you are doing ok, too!
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As a first update, it’s been 4 weeks since the beginning of the semester.
It appears that my son moved back home, although not officially. He hasn’t slept at the apartment in a week at all. He is struggling with how to tell his roommates he’s moving out.
He told me that he decided it’s not shameful to move back home because he already proved he can live both alone and with roommates and he doesn’t have to stay in a situation that doesn’t make him happy when he does have the option to live at home until he can move out again. He came to this conclusion after talking to his friends (he has friends from his former work place he speaks on the phone /online almost daily)
He joined a club and applied to be an executive of that club. He wants to be the club president next year. That’s his MO, he can’t just join clubs and follow, he needs to be the president lol Did the same in high school , joined the coding club and the following year became president and also started another club.
When he was in high school (junior) , he organized a hackaton in Chicago, all on his own (meaning with no parent involvement but with a team of kids he led) with 300 kids registered. He fundraised 17K almost all by himself, drove back and forth to Chicago to find a space etc. One of the participants is now in this club here at Purdue and recognized him . They went out , she told him to move the eff out because nobody gives a s*** 
So that helped.
He went to a couple more clubs, checked out a co Ed fraternity, but decided it’s interesting but not for him ultimately.
I offered an (exorbitantly expensive ) sublease for Spring . He thought about it and decided it’s crazy to spend that kind of money so he’ll live home this year and he’ll move to a studio next year. Now doesn’t want to hear about roommates if at all possible.
He went to a concert to Cincinnati by himself. He went to a concert in Indianapolis by himself. He went to a party (not the roommates) last night . Went to Bernie sanders talk with a friend from high school. Went out with other people he knew from high school (not all from his high school, one was a Purdue student and is now a senior in college).
Classes are going great. He texted the other day : “I’m doing so well in classes! I just finished all of my homework and got 97.5 on my CS quiz! Purdue is easy thank you west side !” (West side is a local “traumatizing high school “, I.e competitive and driving kids to be on medication) . There are midterms next week.
Now the challenge is for him to face the roommates and move his stuff out, this weekend or next week.
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Sounds like his maturity level was miles and miles ahead of his roommates. I’m glad his mental
health has improved and he’s doing well academically,
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I’ve been following this thread - So happy to hear your son is doing well and feels so confident in his decisions, that is so much more important than where he is staying.
One thought: you may want to recommend he officially move out with res life so he is not responsible for any expenses for damages that could potentially occur in the school housing.
Edit to add: Not to imply these roommates are destructive! Just college kids are…college kids. Things happen.
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I am glad to hear that he is feeling good in his classes and his other activities. There is no shame in getting out of a situation that wasn’t working! He is clearly independent and capable. I love the nobody gives a s*** comment - so wise! I hope he starts to see from this that he doesn’t need to be self conscious about decisions like this. Great job supporting him, you deserve an exhale.
Hope he can get money back on the lease. If housing is as tight in the area as you say it is, he should surely be able to find someone else to take over his share of the lease. Why pour money down the drain.
Your son is very lucky to have such a supportive parent. Many kids would feel like anywhere would be better than living at home - not your son. Clearly, you’ve made him feel that you’ve got his back, anytime, anywhere, anyhow.
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Thank you! We can’t sublease unfortunately, money is down the drain and we are on the hook for 75% of the dorm and meal plan cost for spring 2022. The university doesn’t let us off the hook in any way. Also, the roomates brought in some person we don’t know, who is now sleeping in his room unofficially/illegally. I’m so happy (sarcasm) I’m paying that kid’s rent lol It’s also liability…but I let it go in the end.
But it’s worth it, my son moved out completely, he lives at home and is doing amazingly well now both academically and socially. Made new friends and is making A in all classes at this point! He never had straight As in high school haha
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Hopefully he can choose his roommates next year and have a better experience.