What if he started working in retail NOW, or at least when he graduates, and see, before he commits to a gap year?
If you can set it up for him to make the decision a bit later with more info, maybe get the ex to make him pay some rent for the summer while he is working, he’ll see the light in time to change.
I don’t know if there is any leeway with when a gap year can be announced to the college, but I do know some colleges are better about it than others.
I can tell you one thing, if he is burned out and unmotivated, working in “retail” does NOT seem like an answer. Take up photography, travel, write a book, but goodness, “work in retail”? Do it for the summer and see if he lasts two weeks.
Coming for a student here. I agree with the parents here. If this is how you act on a message board, I would be very scared if I were your son to talk to you.
Is it really the end of the world if he takes a year “off”? College will still be there in 1 years, 2 years, etc.
I really wanted to take a gap year or two after high school. I was very burnt out. Unfortunately my mother was like you and is very hard to talk to. I didn’t do well in college and hated it. Just a cautionary tale.
OP: You’re making it sound like your son did something horrible and want to punish him for his actions. There are MUCH worse things that could happen to your son at 17/18.
I say do this: Let him live rent free, but let him pay for everything else- food, gas, etc.
OP, all you can do is state your requirements for continuing to provide those items you pay for - cell phone, gas- and that is what you will pay if he goes to school. It’s a take it or leave it deal. Same with his room and board at his father’s house. Father can make the rules. It’s great if you can arrange a gap year with the school with all FA in place, but if you can’t, all you can do is tell your son the facts and that if he doesn’t go now, you may not be able to pay in the future because of lost aid.
One of my kids wants to do a Disney internship. I don’t support this because it is a pain for me to have to complete all the FA forms, follow up on scholarships, arrange thing for fall semester when she plans to take off for spring. I’m not sure all her FA will be there when she wants to go back. I’m not doing anything to help her apply for the internship so I’m pretty sure it won’t happen but it’s up to her.
If the son takes a gap year…he can always reapply…and maybe to different schools…and he could still get merit aid.
I think the frustration is that this kid is an auditioned musician. Was this going to be his major? Maybe he is having second thoughts about that (he wouldn’t be the first musician who did). Was his merit aid a performance scholarship award, or academic?
You can’t take a gap year as an adult because you have responsibilities.
He should get responsibilities if he takes a gap year as well (to make enough money in retail to earn his keep). Unless that means hanging out with druggie “friends” (the hard variety), I don’t see why forcing him to go to college is sure to be better. What if he get’s C’s/D’s/F’s and/or flunks out? Would that be better than a gap year?
I wish I had had the courage when my daughter was graduating high school to suggest and encourage that she take a gap year. She had kept up her grades and gotten into her first choice school, but there had been warning signs toward the end of high school that she was fed up with academia. Instead we forged ahead and she matriculated, only to drop out halfway through junior year of college. It’s two years later and, while she has always been gainfully employed, she has still not gone back to finish her degree. Finally, finally she is starting to talk about the possibility of wanting to do so. I can’t help but think that if she had taken a year off and decompressed, she might have gone to college with a better attitude and willingness to see it through.
OP, I hope other parents whose kids took successful gap years will weight in, but you’ve already gotten some good advice. I strongly suggest that you listen. A kid who is nervous, scared, unmotivated, confused, etc. about college is not going to magically feel differently because s/he is forced to go there. I agree with several other posters that your plan punishes your S for being honest and practically screaming at you that he is not ready to go. Would you prefer that he go, drop out or fail out and waste your money? Will taking away his phone and TV somehow motivate him to be somewhere he is not ready to be?
These forums are filled with threads started by both students and parents where the student is failing because s/he is not motivated/not ready/depressed-all looking for ways to salvage the year. I suspect if you force your son to go, without a change in his attitude, you or he will be one of those posters next year.
As for his working retail-I’m sure it WILL be easier than the high school pressure cooker. But it’s hardly “sitting on his butt”. Retail people work HARD, as do any number of other service or low-wage positions. . I cannot understand how you think that’s “doing nothing”.To make it so that he will have almost nothing to live on an nothing to do at home but sit there and twiddle his thumbs may seem like his better option is to beg you to take him to college, but I don’t think kids see things that way. What you’ll do it push him away from you-and who knows where he will land. I have some experience with parents alienating their kids when they don’t do what they want. Ask me how long it’s been since my D has talked to her father or how long it had been since my ex had talked to his dad before he died.
Lastly, adults absolutely take “gap years”. They are called sabbaticals. Sometimes they last a shorter time, sometimes longer. My boss took a 6-month sabbatical two years ago. She arranged for her associate to take her place, arranged for emergency coverage when the associate would be away, got a grant to pay for her travel AND our workplace’s expenses because of her absence. She carefully negotiated for the time off. She took courses, had some fun, saw places she had never been, and came back refreshed and ready to go. That is what “gap” time does, refreshes you and helps you decide where to go next with your life. I find it sad that you think this is a waste of time.
I wish you and your son well in the coming months. I think you will both need it.
My son got accepted to a wonderful, highly competitive school… and decided that not only was he going to take a gap year… he didn’t need to go to college at all! My husband was furious. I was heartbroken and depressed.
He’s now back in (a different school), by his own choice. I realize now that he felt he was not captain of his own ship. More like, he felt he was being fast-tracked and controlled by other people’s decisions. He was tired of studying, and tired of getting As, and tired of jumping through hoops held by other people. He really needed that time to slow down and take ownership of his own life.
It’s okay. For him, it was the right decision. OP, your son may need the same option. Support him. Give him that chance to take a breath and take control of his own life.
I just want to point out that a gap year is not just for those with financial means. There are ways to take a gap year and travel at minimal cost. Many students work part of the year and use those funds to travel for the second part. Travel can be done very cheaply if you know a few tricks.
It sounds like he has secured admission and merely wants to defer for a year. I would be far less concerned about him getting “off track” with a solid plan in place. It’s not as if he simply decided not to deal with college at all and wants to lay about a year before applying.
I agree with the other posters, it sounds like you are punishing him for telling you what he needs to be healthy and happy. As a parent our job to balance what WE think is best for them with what THEY think is best for them. It’s much easier when they are young. LOL Your son is a young adult now. You have to trust that you have done a great job and let him take the reigns of his own life. Because whether he goes to college, takes a gap year or decides not to go entirely…you really can’t control any of it.
Taking away “luxuries” feels like a concrete thing you can do, a way to control the situation, but it’s not. And if he did go to school because he felt pressured and guilted, I doubt you’ll get your desired result.
OP, you point to the fact that you have had hard times financially as a reason your son shoud go to college right away and not “slack off.” But another perspective on that might be that going to college and doing everything you’re supposed to do is no guarantee that everything will go smoothly at all times. Going to college next year, or any time, is not going to guarantee anything. Forcing him to go certainly isn’t going to.
Delaying college is quite common. So is doing poorly because you weren’t ready to go. Neither is the end of the world, but the latter is definitely harder to overcome.
OP–You say this is a really recent development. I understand your anger and frustration.
Do you think his peer group (introduced him to pot, going nowhere crowd) is part of the problem? Drugs? Want him away from the influence? Is dad not helping the situation (he lets him smoke pot?)
(Pot is not good for young brains! Well, any brains but worse for young ones. And it’s stronger than the old days…)
I think gap years can be good for some kids as other posters say but it depends on the situation and the kid. Anyway to talk to the GC and find out what’s going on that he would encourage a gap year?
I agree with OP that she should stop paying for the luxuries.
As I mentioned in another thread, I am a “change the locks” type of person but this has worked well for my family. In this situation, I would be concerned about potential depression and I would seek help for my child - but it only works if he is willing to accept it.
I am not so sure I would be so happy with the school’s GC for encouraging a year off without bringing both parents into the discussion, but given that your son comes from a broken home, it is probably more complicated.
THIS: " I love my son deeply and have his back 110% when he is on track, and he knows it. "
Kids need our love and support the most when they AREN’T “on track” and when they’re feeling confused, stressed, depressed and vulnerable. That’s got to be a scary feeling to think that your parents have your back only when you are on autopilot toeing the line.
Careful - I don’t think OP is saying she does not love and support him - it is because she loves him so much that she is so concerned. She is trying to find emotional support for herself, she quite clearly wants to do what is best for her son.
It seems to me that OP will always love her child, and here is yet another part of his growing up that is difficult for her, so she is posting here for information/guidance. She has already received some good advice and is taking it, but this is still a challenge that is tearing her up.
She is doing the right thing by doing her best to communicate with her son, and explain the consequences to him. She has to allow him to accept the anticipated consequences of his decisions. She knows better than he does about how tough life can be, simply having the benefit of her lifetime experiences. Just because she wants him to think about what his decision might mean, when he is confused/stressed/burned out, does not mean she doesn’t have his back.
When your child was 1 or 2 and wanted to taste the toys in the sandbox - you tell them no, but for some kids, even when you do everything you can to stop them, they will find a way to eat sand, and hopefully they learn from it. This is clearly a different, arguably more serious, sandbox he is playing in. She wants to show him he is missing cake and ice cream by staying in the sandbox - and she is concerned that if he stays in the sandbox too long, the ice cream will melt.
Well, she said that she has his back when he’s on track and he knows it. That speaks for itself to me. Really, when does anyone need people to have their back? Is it when everything is going swimmingly according to plan or is it when they hit a bump in the road of some kind? It wouldn’t surprise me if the kid has told the counselor more about his feelings and situation than he has told his mom exactly because he knows this about her limits.