Perhaps, you could put the deposit down and tell him he has time to think about it. It’s a long time until classes start and he might feel less pressured. Sometimes things look better after these kids get a rest from the stress of college applications, acceptances,waitlist, deferrals…He may very well embrace college in the Fall. I wouldn’t pressure him too much. I would let him recover and possibly have him talk to a therapist or another responsible adult.
saintfan, I agree with you 100%. My kids haven’t always made the decisions I’d want them to make as teens and young adults. But it’s at THOSE TIMES that you need to support them even more than when they’re flying high with success. There’s a reason my kids are not close to their dad. He was a “change the locks” type person and I think that they learned not to share their struggles with him, only their successes, because he either couldn’t or wouldn’t be there for them when they needed him the most. I wasn’t the type to let them do as they wished, but I HEARD them. Even at their worst, you have to RESPECT your kids, not stomp on them when they’re down.
I wonder too, if the OP’s kid’s counselor knows more than she does. Maybe he is indeed self-medicating with pot because of depression or confusion over his future. A parent who’s going to make him sit in the corner instead of work to discover WHY might not be getting the full story.
I would also be curious about what exactly the GC did to “encourage” a gap year It may be that the kid brought up a gap year and the counselor simply said that it can be a good idea. The way the OP is reacting it’s quite possible that the GC is merely not reacting as if it’s the worst idea ever.
But yeah, even if it’s a more active encouragement there may be a reason for it.
My brother didn’t see the point of college and did not return after his Sophomore year–he’d only gone because our mother insisted. He got a construction job and was making very good money for a 20yo single guy. But then the older men he worked with found out that he’d left college! They all told him to go back, that he didn’t want a life with limited options like theirs. After spending a tough winter on the job, he understood what they were saying. He went back to college and got his degree, although it was very hard for him to slog through it. He needed to experience the alternative, and he needed to hear the message from someone other than Mom.
He isn’t saying that he doesn’t want to go to college - just that he’s feeling burned out. That is not uncommon at this point in life. I hear the same thing on the daily. After a couple years of pushing to the finish line with academics, a summer of music camps and festivals, testing, applications and auditions, the kid is tired. Our solution (or rather his solution with my blessing) is an unstructured summer with a nice graduation road trip (just the kids). They need time to recharge. Yes, it is a luxury of sorts but as pointed out by others more economical than burning a semester of tuition trying to forge on ahead without any kind of breather.
That’s what I was referring to @saintfan. He seems overwhelmed and stressed out. I say pay the deposit to hold his spot. If he still doesn’t want to start in the Fall he may in the Spring semester or following year. Good luck I’m sure he’ll resolve this. He just seems to need a breather since he was fine until very recently about going.
Also I would ask how he would be getting to this job with no car. When you are at college you dont’ need a car.
Op,
I haven’t read the intervening posts.
First of all, have him check with the college or colleges where he has been accepted to see if they will allow him to defer his acceptance for 1 year. Many colleges allow this. They hold the space open for him to start 1 yr later.
When a kid takes a gap year, 2 things might happen.
- They start college refreshed and renewed.
- Or they might not ever start college and continue in a “working” trajectory.
Only you know what type of kid you have and whether it’s worth taking that “risk.”
Kids that usually will return to college:
- Probably if one or both parents have finished college
- High value of college in the family
- Kids that need to become more mature before they continue
- Kids who need to want it when they see the alternatives
Kids that don’t return to college:
Actually I don’t know this type of kid (but my sisinlaw who is a teacher says it’s common) but would seem like would be
- Parents didn’t go to college or not high value place on college
- Finances tight so kid’s income helps out the family
- Finds new set of friends among his coworkers
- Laziness with enough parent financial support
- Alcohol or drugs which decrease motivation for the extra work of college
- Inertia
I’ve always supported a gap year for my kids because I know that they fall in group #1. My mominlaw and sis in law scolded me for allowing dd to consider taking a gap year before starting yale due to HS burnout because sisinlaw said that most who take a gap year never return to college. I was stunned. My response? “Wow! How little do you really know your granddaughter/niece.”
As a side note, DD researched many things to do with her gap year which included working and travelling abroad. We said that we were not going to pay more that $3K for her gap year. The stuff that she was putting together sounded really great. Made my DH and me want to take our own gap year. Plus we were excited to kick the $65K annual cost down the road for 1 more year. In the end, she didn’t take the gap year. I was a little disappointed.
But yes, if your kiddo plans on working 20 hours a week and video gaming for the rest of the time, then, yes, I would be a little concerned. Is that type? Usually just the thought of a gap year makes them decompress enough to start with the regular schedule.
Of all of the people I know or know of who did not start college immediately after high school, but eventually went to college for bachelor’s degrees, the ones who traveled the most during their gap years were the ones who enlisted into military service (obviously for several years). The non-military gap year people just went to work after high school. There were none that I know of who went to “gap year programs” and the like that seem to be what people tend to discuss on these forums (probably because “gap year programs” and the like are really only options for top few percent income families willing to indulge their kids, rather than lesser income families whose kids have to go to work and/or school out of financial necessity).
Many of these people were academically unmotivated in high school, so their return to school mostly started at community college after the relatively limited career success prospects of high school graduate jobs or enlisted military service caused them to up their motivation level to the point where they were successful in college.
For the OP’s son, perhaps working in whatever job he can find as a high school graduate may up his motivation level so that he will be ready and eager to go to college, rather than being the unmotivated student he is now with a high risk of wasting the OP’s money while accumulating a transcript of F grades that will make it difficult for him to continue a college education.
Look at it this way. Your son has been in high school for 13 years of his life now. If he goes straight to college right after high school he will then be in school for another 4-6 years maybe more with a lot higher workload. Then, after graduating, he will most likely try to find a semi permanent if not permanent career.
While I don’t think gap years are for everyone, I see no harm in them. When else in your life are you ever going to be able to take one year off w/o any stress of school or the future, work a minimum wage job, and just relax and be happy? It’s 1 year. It’s not really a big deal, and I can almost guarantee you after working a minimum wage job for a year he will be so sick of it he’ll want to try college.
Not to mention that college isn’t for everyone. I know that in our society we drill it into kids’ brains that in order to be successful you HAVE to go to college but be open w him. There is no surefire cookie cutter way to success and happiness- it’s just common to go to college to try and achieve this.
Don’t punish him for trying to do what he wants to do with his life. As long as he’s working and contributing to rent/bills as much as he can there’s really no harm in it and I see it as a way for him to grow and mature more. Some kids aren’t ready to leave home and go to college at 18, and that’s a fact. If you force him to leave I don’t see how you could be surprised/angry when he comes back a semester later flunking out.
@ucbalumnus - Your examples are talking about kids who are unmotivated or unsure of what to do, or kids joining the military. That’s NOT a gap year. Joining the military is not a gap year. The OP’s son has applied and been accepted to a good college. All he needs to do is defer for a year, and he’ll have a spot waiting for him. Gap years don’t have to entail taking a “gap year program”. One can travel and work independently while abroad, do internships, etc. One can do so quite cheaply and can do so without being from a high income family. Again, there are numerous ways to do so with some creativity. Think couchsurfing, think helpx, workaway, NSLI-Y, WWOOF to name a few options. Right above your post @yohohoho mentioned her daughter had outlined a plan to do a gap year for $3k. A student could work part of the year and travel the second part. Don’t assume it’s not done just because you haven’t viewed it among your own acquaintances. It is done and frequently, and with results that bring wonderful independence, clarity of purpose, renewed energy, and a more global outlook to the young adults who do it. People are not lemmings. We don’t all need to follow lockstep on the same beaten path. There is a lot to be learned outside of the classroom. There is a reason why all the top colleges and universities recommend and support gap years.
Though I suspect OP has left since she got very little support here, @bopper, there’s a easy way the kid can get around without a car, depending on where he lives. Neither of my older kids got their license at 16 and only began driving after they moved out because Seattle has a pretty comprehensive public transportation system. Both got to school, after school, jobs, evening and weekend activities by bus. Student passes are pretty cheap. Conversely, if the town the kid in the OP lives in is really small, he might be able to walk anywhere he needs to go. When my son was at his dad’s that what he was able to do.
OTOH, if the OP does take away the car even though the kid would need it to get anywhere, that falls into the punishment for his plans so many of us disagree with. That sort of thing doesn’t end well, in my experience.
“And I’m genuinely surprised that other parents seem on-board with taking time off to intentionally slack off --”
If you have seen hundreds or thousands of young people who complain of burnout, go to college anyway, and waste buckets of money and a year or more of their lives laying down bad grades that hamper their future plans…taking a breather for a year starts to make a lot of sense.
Where is it written that age 18 is the one and only time when all college-bound students shall be ideally prepared for freshman year? Some are ready at 16, others at 20, like me. A family with a 5-generation Middlebury legacy is in little danger of producing a life-long sales clerk, but if that turns out to be what he really wants, a college degree won’t keep him on the professional path. My sister got an English degree from a CC favorite LAC and then more or less waitressed for the next decade, refusing other options.
Of course you don’t let the kid play video games all day on your dime. That’s not what we’re talking about. He has to be working if he isn’t in school. Charge him a reasonable rent for his room and board if you want.
Re: working in retail vs. some expensive travel program: I’m currently working on a project called “In Praise of Flipping Burgers.” Every child is different, but a minimum wage job is the most effective college motivation tool I’ve ever seen. A brain break will almost always become boredom for a bright kid. A lot of these workplaces have middle-aged people still getting by as grocery checkers or stock boys. He’ll have to learn to understand those less advantaged people better, and he’ll also get a glimpse of what it would really mean to work at Dairy Queen when you’re 30. It’s priceless. You want him to learn about the real world? He’ll see a lot more of it at Old Navy associate meetings than he will at college.
I’m not the only Harvard Law graduate I know who took a “slack off” gap year or two. Life is many things, but it isn’t a race to the finish.
Is there a mid-year entry option at his university? If so, he might well determine that he’d be happier at college than at home, and would only miss a semester.
Not sure if the OP is still reading, but there’s a question on the Common Data Set re deferred admission:
If there is a legitimate concern about burnout or depression, OP should be seeking professional help. If a therapist recommends time off as part of a treatment program, that is one thing, but I don’t see the point of a gap year for a kid with no intention of using the time off productively. College is already a break from the real world as it is.
But why isn’t working in retail a productive way to use a year? Do you think there’s nothing for a middle-class kid to learn there?
It really depends on the mindset. I didn’t go to college right away myself and worked in both retail and office environments, but I was focused on getting there eventually and gaining skills along the way. If OP’s son wanted to take a year off to work and mentally recharge while also engaging in activities that would help develop skills and experience that will translate to college success, then that’s probably OK. But wanting to just ‘slack off’ and engaging in recreation drug use is a huge red flag, IMO.
I see where this mother is coming from: a young man with a new set of friends going nowhere fast, smokes pot, wants to stay at home. Working in retail = lots of pocket money to buy pot and keep friends supplied.
However, acting punitive (no video games, no phone, no car = treating him like a 12 year old who’s throwing a tantrum) is not going to end well for either party.
A possibility: Tell your son that if he wants to work in retail, he has to start now. As in, send out resumes and find something by April 15th (or, if your area is lacking in jobs, by the end of the month), “and stick with it for a month, 15-20 hours a week.” ALL money to be set aside and saved for now, no request of contributing toward rent or anything. Just to make him “experience” what it’s like (yet making sure all the money doesn’t go to pot-buying). Just for him to experience what a job in retail would be like… and whether he can stick it out.
Since he’s a minor, I think you can request his money be wired directly to a bank account that you’re allowed to check. (When he turns 18, that ends)
Then, offer several gap year solutions
1° study abroad at a high school in a country where he speaks the language (Canada or France if he speaks French, Costa Rica or Argentina if he speaks Spanish, Germany if he speaks German…)
2° Americorps or CityYear, anywhere in the US (rent to be paid off his retail job from April 15 until August 15/ if that’s not enough, you’d complement the rest Or he has to earn enough in 4 months, dont know if it’s possible) OR same deal, but nearby with commuting.
3° Work April 15- December 30, ALL money set aside (beside rent paid) and Jan 15- APril 15 travelling in an area of the world that he’s researched.
FROM THE OP, further clarifying…
=He is 18
=He has no plan
=He has stated that he has no intention of doing anything other than working and hanging out at his father’s house. Given that he has zero work experience, this is likely to be minimum wage/entry level, most likely retail. In the week since this started, he has not applied for a single job.
=There is no car, nor will there be one; we cannot afford it; local public transit is the only option. Likewise there will be no travel or anything requiring an outlay of money. We function at a hair above the poverty line.
=Nothing in his stated (lack of)plan indicates that he will gain any value out of taking off a year.
=I just got off the phone with the Admissions Office of the school at which he was accepted – they do NOT allow for deferring an offer of admission. He would have to re-apply, and to quote the Admissions Office rep, “that bar is set a bit higher”
=@btlsmum wrote “I would be far less concerned about him getting “off track” with a solid plan in place. It’s not as if he simply decided not to deal with college at all and wants to lay about a year before applying.” That’s the POINT, because that is what he has said is his “plan”!
=@YoHoYoHo wrote “But yes, if your kiddo plans on working 20 hours a week and video gaming for the rest of the time, then, yes, I would be a little concerned.” Exactly. Thank you.
=@JayDee12 wrote “I don’t see the point of a gap year for a kid with no intention of using the time off productively. College is already a break from the real world as it is.” Exactly. Thank you.
=@3puppies wrote “Just because she wants him to think about what his decision might mean, when he is confused/stressed/burned out, does not mean she doesn’t have his back.” For those of a ‘religulous’ bent, this is the “footprints” time, when I am carrying my son, though he doesn’t see it – I never cease supporting him or having his back: that’s 110% when he’s on track, and about 1million-and-10% now.
=Without his commitment, his father will not pay $200 to confirm/secure admission, nor the additional $400 for housing, because these are non-refundable if he fails to launch. ($200 of the $400 is credited to expenses when housing is secured) We have until May 1 to close on these, so everything will be lost at that point.
=Things are still at a standstill with him refusing to move forward. I am trying very hard to accept what I cannot, apparently, change.
Thank you for your comments and ideas. They are all being read and considered, and discussed with my immediate support system. Still hoping for enlightenment, to be convinced that this is all “okay.”