I would also go ahead and put down the deposit and if he does end up not going, he can repay you. Especially given that his not wanting to go to school is so recent, it is possible he will change his mind. If you force the issue now and he says no to college then changes his mind in July after he realizes he hates his entry level retail job, that’s a far worse situation than being out the deposit money.
I would push him to go ahead and look for a part time job now. Heck, that may make him change his mind. Or it will make it easier to find a full time job when the time comes.
“But wanting to just ‘slack off’ and engaging in recreation drug use is a huge red flag, IMO.”
Yes. I’m personally all for gap years in many situations, but I understand the OPs worry for her son. My D had serious trouble with depression in high school and was self-medicating with pot. It was bad. Very bad. Our family dynamic was horrendous. It was incredibly painful to watch such a gifted, talented, intelligent and promising student burn out the way she did, so I really sympathize with @mizMfromPHL.
I want to echo what other posters said about finding a therapist ASAP. We were also in a terrible financial situation and our health insurance did not cover any mental health care. Our D was against therapy too, so we had a lot of obstacles in the way of therapy, but I cannot tell you how much help it was when we got it going. She had her own therapist and we also had a family therapist. OP, please feel free to PM me if you want any advice on finding someone (It’s not easy.) I really encourage you to do this. Clearly you don’t want your son adding to his lack of motivation by hanging around with the go-nowhere stoners… but at 18 you cannot force him not to do that. I’m guessing from your punitive response to his gap year choice that your relationship is probably a bit strained right now. I can tell you that having a third party mediate goes a LONG way towards getting the kid to actually consider what you’re saying and why you’re worried. (And it will also help you understand him.) Plus- I agree there is probably some clinical depression happening there to cause this sudden shift.
Not to scare you, but I have a brother who started struggling in early college. He did not get therapy then and he fell into serious drug use, got kicked out of college, and spent a decade as an addict. In retrospect I wonder if he and my parents had recognized and gotten help for his issues before he went to college if all of this could have been avoided. It seems very important to me now to address any issues as early as possible. And in a positive/supportive -not punitive- way.
I’m so sorry you are having to go through this heartbreaking situation and wish you all the best.
“The question is really what has caused him to lose motivation for more schooling”
I agree that this is the underlying issue. But this isn’t how his mother sees it. She believes that motivation is a choice, plain and simple, so to fix the problem, he just needs to change his mind. I hope that she hears everyone’s suggestion to question that idea.
If smoking pot is contributing to the problem, sending him to live in a college dorm would worry me as potentially promoting opportunity.
Is it possible you’re jumping the gun and this is just a passing emotion on his part? If everything was a “go” until last week? What if you let it play out. “Okay, DS, you’re 18, alert your college to your plans, go get your job, I’ll draw up a rent and expenses contract.” Could be that this idea of his fades when he (not you) starts to explore it in more detail.
I’m sorry if I am contributing to much, but I wanted to say a few more things. I totally understand where the ‘anger’ comes from. For me, my anxiety and concern can easily morph into anger, and when you see what you think is your kid about to fall off a cliff, you do every last thing you can think of to prevent that from happening. So I get that, though it’s not necessarily the most productive thing.
Another good piece of advice that I got from a poster here on CC is that the most important thing is your relationship with him.
I often think of the ‘finger trap’ puzzle where if you try to pull hard to get your fingers out, the trap tightens, but if you loosen up, the trap loosens and you can get your fingers out. There are times when the best thing to do is to step back a bit.
Also, you mentioned your support system and it’s really good that you are consulting with them. For me it was invaluable.
You know, the more recent comments about the homelessness being out of the son’s control made me think of something. My SIL went through a very rough time for many years. Her parents died when she was young, she was a teen mother and was never far from being on street. My H was able to help support her, but she did couch surf and she and her kids WERE homeless for a time. Her kids made very different decisions, both based on their difficult lives.
One worked from the minute he was able, two, even three jobs at a time, and paid his way through college the best he could. He doesn’t work in his field, but does well. He’s almost a workaholic, though. Perhaps he’s afraid of ending up where his mom once was?
The other child is a talented musician and was actually scouted by band directors (she did marching band). She chose not to go to college despite it being likely she’d have all the need-based and probably merit aid she needed. My H told me a few years ago that his niece didn’t go because she was too worried about her mom needing her. She didn’t think her mom could take care of herself. That’s NOT what she told anyone at the time and there were some who thought she was throwing away a good option for no reason. She lived at home for a very long time after HS, not because she couldn’t afford to move out, but because she wanted to help support her mother.
Maybe what’s really got the OP’s son so angry and depressed is the change in his family. Maybe he’s worried about his mother’s circumstances and is really concerned that she’ll fall into homelessness again. Maybe he knows that the scholarships won’t pay for EVERYTHING and he thinks she’ll be out money she doesn’t have to have him travel or whatever. Maybe he lives with dad because mom can’t support him and he’s concerned that college will just be too much for her. He probably doesn’t think of a phone as a luxury. Kids these days use them for school, entertainment, communication-they’re almost extensions of themselves, for good or bad. He’s probably not equating having a phone with his parents helping him out for college.
I may be completely wrong, but going from a two-parent home and relative safety to a split family where one parents is barely above water and at times homeless is pretty traumatic even for a perfectly well-adjusted kid. As others have suggested, a person can soldier on until the finish line is near and then just drop from the stress. I hope OP and her son sort things out.
^If he is worried then why hasn’t he ever had a job? Why does mom have to pay for the phone for an adult? He can’t pick up one expense? I don’t think that they should be combative. Set his boundaries. But he’s an adult male and it’s time for him to be responsible and contribute to his own lifestyle. Let him make his choices and give him the freedom to fail. If he needs to talk to a counselor, then by all means try that.
The pot actually was a red flag for me too, because I know a couple boys who thought “easy service job while living at home = $1,000 for pot and cool swag”.
I also agree that “no phone while you smoke weed” is a good approach, whereas “no phone because you want to find a job” is not going to be as effective.
^Why can’t he pay for one expense? He can have any phone he wants as long as he pays for it. He can’t be responsible for one thing? Mom is hovering above poverty level for goodness sake.
Eyes, facial features, behavior (“loopy”, “slowed down”). Not sure breathalyzer works (I’ve heard conflicting reports and haven’t had the misfortune of having to try) but if suspicions, very clear that room will be searched so that he can’t keep a “stash”.
Obviously, if he’s self medicating with pot, meeting a therapist would be necessary.
@gearmom: oh, I agree that he should pay for his own phone plan if he works (or regardless, actually), but the phone itself shouldn’t be removed as a punishment. He’d be on a plan he’d take on his own. If he didn’t, well, he’d have a phone, but not much use for it. His responsibility… not his mom’s; his fault, not his mom’s.
I think that’s going to be a tough call. It would be one thing if the child were a minor and putting themselves in immediate danger and/or legal trouble…
This is just a guess, but this kid is a musician good enough to have gotten into a good music program for college. I know my own kid doesn’t have time to work with all of her EC’s. Maybe a dedicated HS musician is similar? It may have been the parents’ choice before the divorce to let him focus on his music and not work. Also, I’m not clear who is paying for the phone-perhaps I missed that.It might be the dad.
Obviously if the kid chooses not to go to college, rent and his perks will need to be discussed, but not a punishment for going in one direction vs. another. I stand by that.
Is this where I insert a video link for Reefer Madness?
OK, I’m sure some of you will take issue with this, but there are worse things your kid can do than smoke a little weed. I’m not talking a lot of weed, but a little weed. Without knowing the extent of the issue, given the limited info provided, I would be careful advising about drug testing, room searching, etc. Your child can just hide it somewhere else. I’ve also known of situations where a student was being drug tested for marijuana and the student switched to much more serious drugs which are harder to test for.
Address the problem, not a (possible) symptom. I agree with others that finding a GOOD and impartial counselor who is well versed in dealing with young adults, even if only for a session or two, could be helpful on pinning down whether there is depression at work or just a student needing to de-stress/change direction for a little while. Not all people wanting a gap year and/or smoking weed are in need of an intervention.
@TempeMom - I’ve never had to do it but I’ve seen those tests at the drug store and I think I’d try it randomly if I were suspicious… that is, if my kid were living in my house and being supported by me. It’s one subject we will not waver on. Pot is horrible for young brains and EVERYONE’s lungs! Has anyone heard of “dabs”? Google it and TALK to your kids.
@doschicos: I totally disagree. You need to research THC and the developing brain. I have no problem with ADULTS with fully developed brains doing whatever they want as long as they don’t harm me or my loved ones in the process
:-*
@sseamom Mom thought he should work. Many kids work summers. She is paying for the phone. Contributing is not a punishment but it is something expected of adults.
His responsibility… not his mom’s; his fault, not his mom’s.