If it is remotely financially possible I would deposit anyway unilaterally just to buy time to sort this out so you all feel less under the gun. It could be money well spent. He and you would then have all summer to move forward or cut and run at the last minute. Three weeks isn’t a lot of time to get to the bottom of whatever is going on with him. Kids often respond to all kinds of stresses by just shutting down so it could go deeper than the feeling of just needing a break. I totally get that feeling that if the kid had to do it all over again next year or further down the line it may not be as favorable with the applications. (S had a serious melt down last fall and I thought about all of these kinds of things) Unless he really really isn’t going to go to college soon, keeping this option in play as long as possible would probably be what I would try to do.
Could you put down the deposits, and stipulate that if he decides to take a gap year he’ll have to pay you back from his earnings?
Could he avoid the difficulties involved in re-applying by attending for the first semester and then taking a leave of absence if he still feels the need for a break? If this possibility would interest him, then the two of you could check out the university’s leave of absence policies, which may be more favorable than their deferred admission policy.
I agree with others that it would be far cheaper to put down the deposits and giving him the summer to sort things out than forcing a decision one or the other of you won’t like in 3 weeks. Since you plan on keeping most of his earnings if he goes to work, it shouldn’t be hard to pay yourself back for the deposits if he chooses not to go. It’s a small price vs. losing a whole semester or an entire year of wasted tuition, etc.
That said, your son sounds angry, overwhelmed and probably depressed. It’s a recent change and I wonder if a visit to a neutral 3rd party such as a counselor wouldn’t be a bad idea. I don’t mean a guidance counselor, but an actual therapist. Some insurance plans even allow for a certain small number of visits for free. I know that when my older D was feeling overwhelmed with some things in her life she found a person with an open ear very helpful.
Just an FYI…I think you mentioned earlier that you would feel better about it if he were taking some classes while doing a gap year. That is potentially a very bad idea. At that point he is a transfer student, which means new admission and (if needed) financial aid issues.
I, too, wonder if he had the summer off and you paid for the deposits if he would be raring to go then. The chances are higher if he has friends/peers headed off to college of course.
Best to you in this trying time.
“In the week since this started, he has not applied for a single job.”
Well, he’s been told this is a non-starter, right? I wouldn’t invest much in a job search if my mom took the position that I was about to ruin my life and that she’d do everything in her power (TV, phone, etc.) to punish me if I went that route. I’d be worried that sending out a resume would get me in even bigger trouble. Anyway, in my experience, you don’t apply for full-time entry-level retail work months before you are available to start. You apply when the position is available.
The school’s hostility to deferrals is unfortunate and changes the calculation. However, I don’t think it’s an automatic indicator that he must go this fall regardless of his resistance.
"your son sounds angry, overwhelmed and probably depressed. It’s a recent change and I wonder if a visit to a neutral 3rd party such as a counselor wouldn’t be a bad idea. I don’t mean a guidance counselor, but an actual therapist. "
Agree with this. Sudden changes in attitude – especially reduced interest in things he used to be excited about – are red flags for depression and anxiety. I would get this checked out if there’s any way to make it work with your insurance. There may also be community organizations where you can get some therapy on a sliding scale.
Sorry if I missed it–but when does he turn 18? Other than laying out the facts you’ve learned from the school, you may need to back off, if 18 is coming up, especially since he lives under his dad’s roof, and it doesn’t sound like dad is supporting college right now (not putting down deposits).
Garnishing his earnings wouldn’t be legal once he’s 18, and perhaps it’d be up to his dad to charge him rent or not.
You have been a good, concerned and caring mom, but at some point, there will be nothing you can do, especially if there is nothing he needs from you.
With his educational foundation, it is likely to turn out OK, but just not how you thought it would. Perhaps he’ll find something that motivates him and he’ll return to school eventually. If he wants it, he can find a way on his own, like many other adults.
The one thing I’d be talking to dad about is just how much he’s smoking pot; long-term use can hurt motivation.
Take care of yourself and know there are many ways to take the journey.
Just saw he is already 18–as in my note above, probably little you can do, if he’s not open to your input and can live with his dad.
Working a minimum wage job for a year can be a good eye-opening experience for a young adult.
@mizMfromPHL I would get rid of the cable, internet and phone (not even a granny phione). He canpay for his own phone. Use the extra money for yourseflf to get better on your feet. He can wortk for the luxuriesor not. Let him know what his expected college contribution will be for next year.What do you have to psy for his college?
A id is having a rough patch and you cancel cable, internet and phone? Then expect him to make a resume and get a job? He has been admitted to college so this seems to be a relatively new thing - more of a crisis or symptom than an entrenched pattern of bad behavior. Why throw the baby out with the bathwater this early?
I would deposit, and if he insists on not going come August, have him pay you back. Or, as suggested before, he could rest/work retail over the summer (insist that he send out resumes/goes to stores to inquire about openings by the end of the month, starting with part time work for May) and then he’ll see, perhaps he’ll want to enroll at least for a semester, with the option of withdrawing if he doesn’t like it, or not enrolling if he’s still not “feeling it” then.
@saintfan OP is just above the poverty line and has been homeless. DS has not had a job the last two years to help his family. Cable and a fancy phone are luxuries and if OP doesn’t need them then why continue. My husband and I don’t watch TV so we have not had a working TV for the last 13 years. We also didn’t get the kids phones until they were 16 because we didn’t want the added expense. OP’s son won’t die without these things and she can build up her savings. He can work for luxury items in his life, he’s 18. It will be a great motivator for him to find a job. I’m sure OP was depressed when she was homeless. There wasn’t a gap year option for her.
I didn’t say let him sit around and play video games just that pulling all resources away in this moment isn’t necessarily the way to go about it either (if this is more of a temporary crisis). “Not even a granny phone” just seems extreme for me if one expects him to be finding a job.
I would also consider that whatever went on in the household with the split and dramatic change in circumstances may have impacted his emotional wellbeing also. If he is an intellectually and musically gifted kid who did pretty well in school until now, a 3 month skid seems to me like a short time before pulling the rug out. It is not unusual for the body to push through a series of deadlines like final exams and college applications then get horribly sick directly afterwards because you can. Maybe he’s been holding on by the skin of his teeth through all this as well and had an emotional crash after the deadlines were met. I feel like I would want to spend a bit more energy (even if it feels like a luxury) looking for the cause of the skid rather than just addressing the symptoms.
I would let him know that at the end of high school he is responsible for his own luxury items. Is there some reason that his barely-above-poverty-level mother has to work from dusk to dawn so her adult son can have a smartphone? Doesn’t have to be this second. He’s a grown man not a kid anymore. At no other time in the history of man has adolescence been extended into the twenties. Many kids work through high school to save for college. This young man hasn’t? If they have a landline, he doesn’t have to have a cell phone. Not everyone has a cell phone. The skid could have been the drug use. There are families that afford missed opportunities but it doesn’t sound like this one is. He might not get a second chance at college and all his “giftedness” will go to waste. But he is an adult so he can make his own choices. Just let him know the boundaries. Maybe mom is holding on by the skin of her teeth.
Clearly you cannot force your son to go to college in the fall if he is not motivated to do so. Paying money to secure his admission slot and housing does not seem wise at this point in time. The question is really what has caused him to lose motivation for more schooling since he has done well in school up to this point. Why has he lost interest? What has changed recently? Is it fear or anxiety, depression, lack of clearly defined goals or a path, or something else? Since you stated that he started smoking pot in the past few months and you are worried that he is on the slacker path you may be on to something. So there does need to be an intervention, something that will enable the change you wish to see, in order to reverse this
Have you and your ex-husband and son sat down to talk together? Perhaps if you have an outside party to work with you, a school counselor or psychologist or social worker, then you may be able to work out a plan of action for the immediate future and the next year or two.
Good luck and do not despair.
OP, I wouldn’t make it a punishment. I would just say that he is an adult now and that at the end of high school he will need to pay for his own luxury items. That you need to save money for your own future/retirement. It’s fine if he takes a gap year but he will be responsible for the consequences. He may not get in again next year or not have the same deal. You can only provide him with $X so he will be responsible for the difference. You’re happy to be there for him emotional but there are limits as to what you can do financially.
Haven’t read the whole thread, but it is disappointing to read that the school won’t let him simply defer for a year. Any chance you could accept, pay the deposit and then have him seen by a mental health professional for ongoing treatment/ If its an issue that can be addressed in the next few months (anxiety, separation issues, depression, etc) then he may work though it and be ready and able to go to school. Just because he calls it “burnout” doesn’t mean that is isn’t really something else. If he isn’t able to work through it, then the MH professional can perhaps help him get a medical leave of absence before fall semester begins, and he doesn’t lose the school acceptance, but may start second semester or in a year, when things have improved.
I wrote about the experience of my son in another thread, and I’ll just summarize here because I think my experience may have some relevance. My son almost failed/dropped out of high school, but was able to bounce back, graduate and get accepted to a good LAC (he had two good years before a horrendous junior year and good test scores, and a better senior year). After a year and a half at college with a horrendous GPA, he is home now working a couple of jobs, having decided he needed some time off.
As a single parent as well, when his academics were going south in high school, I used the typical parent tricks. I wouldn’t take him to soccer practice unless he finished his homework. I kept him out of games if his grades on tests were poor, etc. Our relationship at this point was horrible.
Nothing motivated him. I went to see a counselor myself (he refused) who gave me good advice at the time but advice I was not really emotionally ready to hear. I told him of my son’s failing grades, concerned teachers, etc. and my worry that he would be a high school drop out. And I told him of my efforts to use soccer to boost his academic performance.
His response was that soccer was not the natural/logical consequence of his failing academic performance. The natural/logical consequence was that he would be kicked out of his private high school. When I told him of my worries that he would be a high school dropout, he told me something very valuable: There are a lot of second, third, etc. chances for someone so young.
I couldn’t hear it at the time, but he was right. Late adolescence, early adulthood is a difficult time for a parent.
Another piece of really good advice that I got from the family ‘elders’ (my parents, great aunts, great uncles, etc): the best thing you can do as a parent for your child is to give them the freedom to fail/screw up. Really good advice.
I was also being told to ‘let it go’ a lot. It took me a long time to do that. I feel for you.
I wanted to add this: When my son decided not to go back to school, a decision I thought was for the best, he, too tried to get the typical job for someone with no college degree–grocery store bagger, retail, bus boy at a restaurant, lifeguard, etc. He did get a lifeguarding job. But his GF’s mother told him to use his ‘network’ and mentioned that a friend from HS’s mother ran a business in an area that he was interested in, and he interviewed with her. He was hired and it is not your typical job–it’s in a medical field and he actually loves it. He’s actually learning a lot. He started out part time but they have hired him full time and he has left his lifeguarding job.
So if your son does take time off, try to think about your/his/your ex’s ‘network’ and see if there’s something that might interest him. I know he wants to ‘slack off’ but since he has musical abilities, have you thought of using his talent there to find something he could do? He might try giving music lessons to kids, for example, in addition to some other kind of job, etc. I am just trying to throw some ideas out there that you might feel more comfortable with.
I’m just surprised at what my son is doing and that he could actually be hired and given the type of responsibilities he has with no college degree. I wouldn’t not have thought he could be doing this. The time off has also really helped him figure out what direction he wants to go in, and the time away from school has really made him realize how valuable being in school is.
@mizMfromPHL I’m sorry for all you’ve had to go through. It sounds like your family has gone through some really bad times. I assume your son was right in the middle of it all and it must have been very traumatic for him to be homeless. All that you’ve been through was out of his control. This is something he can control. I’m in the camp with those who urge you to support his decision to take a year to regroup. (My son took a gap year after freshman year and returned successfully.) I would highly suggest some family counseling and one on one for your son.It really helped my family/son. I think a neutral third party could also help you all to develop a plan for how/what you and your ex will support during this time. I’ve thought your tone has been very angry and punitive. I totally understand it, but I think it’s counterproductive. There is one area that I would be punitive and that is with the pot smoking. I’d take the phone away as long as he’s smoking weed. If he can afford to fund his weed habit, he can pay for his own phone. I’m actually amazed that more posters didn’t comment on the pot smoking (only #33 and #66 as far as I can tell! ) It is a horrible drug for developing brains and an 18 year old’s brain is a LONG way from fully developed. Does your ex smoke? Does he supply it for your son? Does he allow it in his house? I’m a huge proponent for individual and family counseling, I hope you explore it. Best of luck!