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Well that makes no sense!
First because the recipient does not pay gift tax or income tax. Second because amounts paid directly to the school are not considered gifts for gift tax purposes. Third because even if it were a gift, the amount is below the threshold ($14k/$28k).
If I were you, I would absolutely feel like I wanted to stop paying.
But did you already “commit” to paying for all 4 years – without any conditions or qualifications?
While I would say that the kid definitely doesn’t appear to “deserve” your generousity – on the other hand, “my word is my bond”?
Your preferred outcome is - grateful grandchild you are delighted to help pay for, right? So work towards that as your end goal.
"Our budget has changed and we can only help you with 3K a year from now until (insert 4 year graduation date). If it costs more than that you should get a job, take a loan, or hit up your parents. "
This advice does nothing to teach him gratitude, which is what you want.
agree with your post 63, Pizzagirl, but the poster that recommended that, redpoodles, now seems to have rescinded that opinion already.
Love the story in post #55. I think this is a chance to teach your grandson an important lesson about gratitude by discussing how his demonstrated lack of it is hurting your and makes you feel disinclined to be generous in the future.
Frankly, I think some (and perhaps many) college age students really don’t have a great sense of what it takes to earn $8k. They know it would be hard for them, without a college degree, but they perceive parents (and possibly grandparents) as being comparatively well off. I definitely see this is a teaching moment. I wouldn’t worry about whether the gratitude is real or “faux”. True gratitude often comes later in life when the student has matured and has a better understanding of the magnitude of your gift.
I know because I had a very generous grandparent who paid for my college tuition, and boy do I have a great appreciation for it now that I’m paying for my own child’s! I always thanked him and actually was very close to this grandparent, but honestly, I didn’t totally comprehend what a great gift it was until much later on in life.
At 18-19, he has been experiencing some new adult-level freedom but has not really had any time to learn how to function and relate to others as an adult.
If he has had to cobble together funding for his education from multiple sources, he might be feeling insecure about whether he will have the funds to go all the way. (And he may also be seeing classmates and friends having difficulty securing career-track jobs, which won’t make him feel any more comfortable about his own prospects.)
You’ll probably need to reach out to him, repeatedly. Call him on the phone, ask him to remind you what classes he’s taking, why he selected (or must take) each one, what he learned last week in each, what was interesting, what was easy, what was hard, how he feels he’ll do in each. Ask him what new people he has met, where are they from, what are they like. Ask him what activities he as been in or tried - clubs, on campus events, shows, lectures, sport events.
Young adulthood can be very difficult to work out and acclimate oneself to. Don’t threaten to cut him off, but remind him again and again that you are very interested in what he is experiencing because he is family and you love him. If his personality still has some rough edges that need to be smoothed out, that’s very normal.
I am a big believer in honest communication and giving other people an opportunity to make things right. I understand completely how you feel and would feel the same way if my own generosity was responded to in the manner you describe. This is immediate family though so you have to tread lightly in hopes that the relationships will not suffer irreparable harm.
I would start the conversation with the parents who presumably includes one of your own children. Describe the conversations you have had with their son and be honest about the way it makes you feel. I would also be sure to let them know directly exactly what you are expecting - do you want to hear about his grades and progress at school or just get a phone call once in a while or a visit in appreciation of your efforts to support him?
I am certain they do not want to lose the funding either so they will speak to him. See what the response is and guide yourself accordingly. Personally, I would have a hard time funding anyone for anything that treated me poorly or did not show some appreciation for my efforts. A boy of 18 or 19 should have the skills to understand that some deference is in order to people who are assisting him.
OP hasn’t even checked in since the 27th.
At this point, I’m surprised many feel that, based on her report only, she should just go and cut him off. Yes, those are her feelings about the situation, but that’s all we know.
Any update or additional thoughts OP?
Are there other grandchildren?
there was no agreement for 4 years verbal or otherwise … although I supposed that may have been inferred. this was a casual offer that came about last summer when his parents were talking about how his future. kids don’t realize what $8,000 or $32,000 means when you’re 22-years-old. we didn’t expect him to throw rose pedals in our path but some level of appreciation is expected. it certainly feels like a complete lack of respect.
we don’t want report cards et cetera, asking about the schedule was just a lighthearted inquiry.
were there signs of this prior? yes, I’m not the biggest fans of the parenting style. did we expect some maturation over a year or two at college? yes. have we detected any of that? no.
we have not decided what to do at this point. the next bill wouldn’t be until december or january. we don’t plan to involve his parents.
looking back, the only time over the last 16 months that he responds to text or returns a call promptly or at all is when he needs money or bills paid. the lack of response about schedule was just latest example. after the money was sent … poof.
That must be so hurtful. I hope you share your feelings of hurt (without mentioning the possible removal of financial support) with him. Then let him figure out his response on how to move forward. You’ll have a better sense of him Then, perhaps.
You can only get what you want in life by asking for it. He isn’t behaving well, but he also can’t read your mind. Communicate what you want and expect from him.
Wondering about your reasoning for deciding not to involve the parents. Since a decision not to fund your grandson would impact them, perhaps it would be wise to give them some advance notice of your intent. Assuming it would then fall on the parents to make up the difference or your grandson would not be able to return to school. Just thinking that pulling the rug out from underneath the funding without letting them know first could damage your relationship with them.
I am just thinking that the parents might be the ones who could send their son the message that his behavior is not being received well. Then you give him the opportunity to make things right and perhaps he learns something as well.
I do agree that the matter should be addressed and that providing financial assistance to someone who is treating you poorly should not continue.
Maybe the parents are divorced?
The beautiful thing about being grandparents is that you get to have a direct influence on the people who will be raising your great grandchildren. If he conducts his business life this way I don’t think it will go well.
I’d say something to him and have a chat with your child about it too. Also, if Grandma picks up when he calls, there’s nothing wrong with saying, “You know, it would be nice if you asked Grandpa how he is before you ask him for money.” If Grandpa picks up, he can say, “Grandma loves to hear about what you’re doing. It would be nice if you called her now and then and chatted for a couple minutes.” Except I wouldn’t tie your expectations to money. Does the expectation of respect only apply if you’re helping him financially? Of course not.
It may help if you send a letter or email to him now and then. My parents sent notes and emails to the grandchildren who didn’t live close by so that when they did call or visit they’d be more likely to have something to discuss. Try to think long term. Your relationship is more important than anything else.
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Wondering about your reasoning for deciding not to involve the parents. Since a decision not to fund your grandson would impact them,
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Not really. The parents wouldn’t be picking up the slack. The grand made it clear that they’re only covering what his student loan would have paid for. Without grand money, he’d take the loans.
I suspect that this is a son and DIL situation…with a grandson who wasn’t raised in a parenting style that this grand would have preferred. If so, the grand can’t really say much to the parents w/o it being a “direct hit” on the DIL’s parenting style. I know this might sound sexist, but it usually is the “mom” who teaches the “basic manners” that people learn as small children.
The student sounds like a selfish brat. Time for him to get a lesson that his parents were neglectful in teaching.
What seems to be missing here is personal contact. Do you ever see him?