Cant agree with that. Most “kids” who have been employed or saved money or made (or contributed to) a big purchase like a car have a reasonable sense of finances and that money doesnt grow on trees. Kids who have never had to save, or work, or manage money, but have it all donr for them and are given whatevver they want/need may have little sense of its value or the effort needed to earn it. From what you have said, you made a vague commitment but perhaps werent clear with what would be reasonable in return. If the next payment is due in Dec, the time to have the conversation with the kiddo or to write out your requirements for continued contributions towards his education is now.
I think if these are loans then I would keep it going. But it does sound like grand kid from a son because if it’s a daughter, there will be more communications with grandparents. I agree to have a conversation with the grand kid. Let’s not stew about it.
OP said they are paying 8K/yr that was gapped grandson wouldn’t have to take out loans. But as a sophomore, he wouldn’t be able to take more than $5500/yr. IMO, with his lack of gratitude, he should be expected, going forward, to take out the maximum loan and gracious grandparents can offer to pay the difference between his loans and the remaining gap. They can always offer to repay his loans in the future, if his behavior changes and grades demonstrate that he is putting fort effort to succeed.
To add one thing, I think grandparents can ask the grandson about his summer plans. Depending on his major, he could earn money. The OP hasn’t mentioned the field, so I don’t know if his internship would be a paying one or not.
I really can’t believe all the excuses so many parents are making for the frankly, outrageous behavior described here: “college students are so busy”, “kids this age are naturally self-centered and just don’t think to thank people for anything”, etc. These poor little woobies are so stressed and overwhelmed that it’s just not reasonable for them to meet any (low) standards of decent behavior.
I think that we as parents have to collectively take some responsibility for expecting so little of our children growing up. It seems that as long as kids make good grades and stay out of the criminal justice system, we think that makes them good people. It doesn’t. If we haven’t made them sit down with pen and paper after every birthday and Christmas from an early age then we have failed a really basic parenting responsibility to make them learn that gratitude should be required when anyone is kind to them. That said, it’s now their responsibility to learn it and learn it quickly as adults because the consequences are much greater at this point than having a ticked off grandma.
It’s really easy to see how so many of our kids behave in such an entitled way. It’s at least 80% our (collective) fault but it doesn’t mean they should continue to get away with it.
If this grandson is a college sophomore, I presume he’s around 18-20.
More than old enough to be treated as an adult.
That includes the grandparents directly confronting him with his outrageously rude behavior while also notifying the parents only to make them aware without necessarily involving them though they also ideally should be talking to the sophomore about his rudeness.
Heck, my aunts and even great-aunts/uncles had no hesitation to directly call out bad behavior of us young’uns as early as late elementary school age rather than go through our parents though they will also be notified…and there will be more discussions/punishments if needed.
If someone is doing one a favor…and yes…grandparents paying part/full tuition or college expenses is A FAVOR…not a familial obligation…then the recipient should at the very least show gratitude…including not exhibiting rude behavior or outbursts of any kind.
I know of at least one college classmate who is now suffering consequences of not realizing this until his early '40s when he found his decades of ungrateful entitled behavior meant he not only lost almost all of his long-time friends, but also that nearly all of his immediate/extended family are no longer willing to help him in a dicey emergency. This is one natural consequence of “burning out” the goodwill of others…even family.
OP, since you asked for opinions, I am firmly in the camp that suggests you stop writing the checks, and consider spending that money elsewhere, in a way that would make you proud.
In fact, I know of several young people who would be more than happy to show you the gratitude you deserve for this wonderful gesture, should you choose to help them with their college expenses. But somehow, I feel you can find a better way to make a meaningful difference in someone’s life.
Life is too short to spend any of it feeling unhappy or regretful.
I am repeating here somewhat, for those that don’t read entire threads. I agree with 3puppies’ reasoning, but not the conclusion. There are many others that would be far more grateful. I have read many posts and many opinions on this thread and agree part of good life lessons include proper thank yous, gratitude, and just general respectful behavior. I agree when one doesn’t receive what one thinks is proper gratitude for a gift, then one feels like giving no further gifts.
But as a couple of us have touched on, another life lesson is trust and integrity. We have been told of no conditions to the gift of this college money, other than a cap of 8k yr. For gramps to renege on the offer to pay because he doesn’t feel he is thanked properly is just wrong. Understandable, but wrong. The life lesson that would teach is gramps’ word cannot be trusted, he is only an honorable person if it is easy. How many of us would deliberately teach a child- “You should honor your word, and keep promises you make, but only if you want to.”? I’ve often repeated an old phrase- if integrity was easy, we’d all have it. If grandparents had had some sudden, terrible illness, accident, or huge financial ruin then I’d think reneging might be much more excusable, but we are not told of any such misfortune. This is only a case of the recipient not being gracious enough to the grandparents. This is NOT the same as an annual b’day gift that goes unthanked. It was a specific dollar amount promised to a prospective college student; and no doubt the student and family selected this college with that gift in mind. They could have said they’d give 8k the first yr, and see how it goes. But they didn’t say that.
If Gramma wanted to add strings to this- to make it a conditional gift, I’m ok with gifts like that. An engagement ring comes to mind as an example. But the time to mention those strings was before the promise of the gift; not a year or two after. That is why, I was taught, to be careful when we give our word.
I’d have no objection with the grandparents talking to the kid and explaining they don’t want to be treated so poorly. But to say “treat him like an adult” and tell his parents, isn’t treating him like an adult(post 85).
I disagree here as anytime a gift or favor is given to another, a giftee who wasn’t in PG’s words “raised in a barn” should know that it merits an acknowledgement of gratitude even if it’s as minimal as a thank you and not throwing temper tantrum demands upon the giver. The giver shouldn’t even have to explicitly state this condition…it should have been learned by the college sophomore sometime between K-12.
As such, a rescinding of such a gift/favor in OP’s circumstances isn’t “reneging” or “breaking a promise”. Rather, it’s a natural negative consequence of exhibiting ingratitude and rude behavior towards the gift/favor giver.
And it’s best he learns this lesson now rather than end up like an older college classmate who has burned so many bridges by exhibiting this behavior well into his 30s that he lost almost all his longtime friends and even most of his extended/immediate family are no longer willing to help him even in a recent dicey emergency situation in his early 40s.
Yes we disagree cobrat. First, it isn’t just a one-time gift. It is a gift, and the promise to continue with the gifts each yr. I see it as the promise that may be broken, not just discontinuing to give a gift. I agree the giver shouldn’t have to explicitly state what is expected- UNLESS the giver may not honor the promise of future gifts, despite the promise to continue the gift, for not doing what giver expects. Then, imo, it is perfectly reasonable to state what is expected. In fact, as I see it, the giver would be remiss if he didn’t state conditions that could alter the promise. That is how I believe this promise differs from a birthday gift for example. This was a promise to continue with the gift annually.
I agree if we give a gift and don’t like the response then we don’t have to give more gifts. But grandparents did more than that- they told kid they’d give the same gift each yr.
I would have no objection to grandparents choosing to give gift of 8k, or choosing not to do so, if they gave kid 8k first yr, but said nothing further. But they did go further. They told prospective student they’d give 8k per yr. Not to do so because they think kid is ungrateful is reneging on their promise.
Isn’t that all the more reason to be grateful? The kid is treating this as a business transaction but even loans have a minimum GPA check they can make.
Raised in a barn? You weren’t raised in the country, were you? The older generation of farmers takes exception to that phrase, you know. Since when does being raised on a farm mean someone is a clueless country bumpkin?
That’s not what ‘raised in a barn means’. It is an old expression that means one is acting like an animal, with no manners. I’ve never heard a farmer object, and I was raise around a lot of farmers.
I always heard raised[born] in a barn to mean leaving a door open.
Anyway, to erin’s dad(post 90), I think everyone here has said student should be grateful. I know I have. I don’t remember anyone saying the student should not be grateful. The discussion on this thread lies heavily toward what to do about it.
Your post 90 is a fantastic example of requiring conditions in advance. If one desires a loan there are specific terms and conditions the lender requires that both parties must agree to in advance, before any money is handed out. An academic scholarship might also come with conditions. In this thread, the giver made no conditions we are aware of, other than the cap on total $, but is considering adding conditions after-the-fact, and maybe even stopping the money completely.
wow! Leaving a door open was the first example in the link Madison provided!
Yes, leaving a door open is an example given of the type of behavior one might have if raised in a barn like a barn animal; though “raised in a barn” doesn’t mean only “leave the door open”.
Did the young man have a warm, loving, interactive relationship with the grandparents when he was growing up and is the current lack of communication and lack of gratitude a huge change and disconnect in the relationship?
yes, I understand that, Madison(post 96).
That is why in my post 95 I said leaving a door open was “the first example”.
I think, particularly with family, a conversation is a good idea. Some points:
- A thank you whenever you give something is good manners, and feelings are hurt when someone doesn't bother. It makes no difference whether he asked for the gift or they offered. Manners are manners.
- It is never okay to call demanding money. Okay to call if you need something, but ask, don't demand.
- It is never okay to raise your voice or be rude to your grandparents.
Cutting off the tuition cold turkey would probably cause irreparable damage to their relationship. I say they give him a warning though. It’s possible he was just raised to be a spoiled brat and needs to be educated. In other words, tell him if he doesn’t adhere to points 1 through 3 in the future, he’ll find himself looking for student loans.