@doschicos - we didn’t usually run through all 12 (for unwieldy-ness as much as anything. But would answer "she applying a a whole range of schools, from (reach) to (match) to (safety) with a couple examples of each. If interest seemed genuine- I would add in others. I guess I just don’t subscribe to the idea that there was anything to lose from being candid
Reasons not to say where your student applied:
- Nastiness from students and parents who applied to the same school where their kid didn’t get in and yours did. We saw quite a lot of that.
- Pressure from others on your kid to pick the best known school they get into – not the best fit and the one that makes the most sense for your family.
- Too much advice – mostly well meaning, but tiresome and often incorrect.
We stopped even talking to our families (grandparents) about the process during D2’s search. We let them know where she was going once she decided.
It is so easy to say something vague – " Oh, I don’t want to jinx the process by talking about it." And then redirect, “How is the search going for your snowflake?”
I don’t think “that school is hard to get into” is any kind of insult, though. It is just a fact, even for highly qualified applicants.
@STEM2017 - Do you really think that your kid applying somewhere is going to change where others apply?
@bahiablue - I don’t think you did anything wrong.
@OldFashioned1 - My kids are at a competitive private school. The top kids are all applying to competitive schools. There is a lot to be learned from the other parents who have been through the process with older kids.
My response was meant to follow Doschicos’ remark, about sharing stats and schools applied to.
I think we were very fortunate, that son applied as a junior. As I have written many times, we left off some of the best STEM colleges. Son called his former math teacher for suggestions, and she suggested CMU’s SCS, among others. Applications went in the next day, then I could breathe & talk to closest friends. I spoke to one of my best friends, and she suggested we speak to her neighbor, at that school, but not that department. The neighbor was happy to talk to son about CMU in general. All through the wait period, neither of us had any idea just how good that department is (SCS). If not for one friend, who interviews for H, son would not have had 3 late interviews.
I have happily helped many HS students with their lists over the past dozen years.
@Proudpatriot Yep. I’ve seen it happen. Feel free to share your information. We’ll keep ours close to the vest.
@STEM2017 - perhaps if an applicant’s package was so fragile that it could be derailed by additional applications, they weren’t really a good fit for the college in question anyway.
People obviously have the right to tell or not tell anyone anything about their college journey. I am a HS teacher, so this process never ends for me (I see a cycle every year). And here’s something I have noticed- the kids/parents with “secret lists”- their peers often regard them as paranoid and silly. It also just seems to me that you are cutting yourself off from possible support. Again- I don’t think you have to tell everyone everything- and I totally get why someone applying for a super reach school might want to keep it quiet since the odds are low. But “don’t ask don’t tell” seems a bit extreme. JMHO
It’s interesting that you are a HS teacher, @toowonderful, yet recommend the open and chatty approach. My kids’ school recommended quite the opposite to minimize the overall stress and focus on the college process. Every gathering, sporting event or other social commitment shouldn’t be turned into a college discussion over the year between junior and senior year, IMO.
We used the generic description (not near home, small LAC) and named a few as examples. I’d usually then add something like “I’d never been to xyz and was surprised by how beautiful it is” or “did you know that ABC has a sushi bar?” And that usually moved the conversation away from my kid’s odds of getting in. If it headed that way, I’d talk about how stressful the whole process has become, and gratefully, people responded with conversation to reassure me rather than feed my hysteria!
@toowonderful I would never discourage my son from discussing his list with people in support roles. In fact, I would encourage it. I often push him to seek out advice from counselors and teachers.
Does this include classmates, their mothers, their fathers, their siblings?..nope. Think what you want, he’ll keep those people out of the discussion.
By the way, why does anyone need to know his personal, private information anyway? Pleasantries? Small talk? That can wait until after deadline day.
The college application process is a competition, like it or not. Especially for kids like mine who are not at the top.
I find the support for my kids grows when they pander to their teachers by claiming they want to go to the state school the teachers attended. 
@toowonderful - The reason it seems paranoid and silly is that it is paranoid and silly.
Not sure where in Louisiana is but I can say that it’s true that many don’t think big or outside of the box in my experience. It is generally assumed that one will go to one of the public state schools. The state scholarship program that is now in jeopardy was a huge incentive for kids to stay in state. My D16 had teachers and a counselor (not hers) say well you won’t want to go OOS. She decided early on to pursue out of state schools and ones that were considered prestigious. She is the first in her school (public high school) to be accepted to her ED choice. Many of her friends are going OOS as well. I just don’t think it’s the norm in our area coming from the public high school.
@OldFashioned1 - I went to a top ranked LAC. Kids wouldn’t be pandering if they applied to my school - most would be reaching. @doschicos- a hallmark of the school where I teach (ranked as one of the best in the state) is openness and community- so yes, we do encourage sharing and support. Are there nosy parents - heck yeah, but they are not the norm
“their peers often regard them as paranoid and silly” sounds like a great community. 
Part of being a good community member is recognizing that different individuals react differently in certain situations. Some people may not like to share for a variety of reasons. Maybe it stresses them out. Maybe they are more introverted by nature. Maybe that “openness” isn’t the MO of every individual in the community when it comes to the college process which is an individual process not related to the school curriculum.
@toowonderful wrote
I’m conflicted about this, because my first instinct is always to help and to share knowledge, but I also have to remember that at some of the schools my D17 is looking at, the available slots for her demographic are only in the double digits-I think I ran the numbers last year for MIT and girls like her in her state-it was 86 girls. So I’m cautious about talking about schools on the parents thread, which currently has 179,000 views. (no worries, not shooting for MIT!)
That’s a lot of eyeballs. In her peer group, she has some kids who are very similar to her, and they’re sort of boldly staking out their favorites, or not saying anything at all. D has a good friend who is shooting for Stanford, and since D thinks Stanford is fine but not her dream school, she will avoid applying to it because it could hurt her friend’s chances (really, it wouldn’t make her list or our list anyway).
People ask because they are curious, no harm in that-we keep a few of our favorites tucked away and silent, but everyone expects her to apply to UGA because that’s what everyone in GA with a 3.0 or better does :). So that’s always a nice 'safe" possible school to talk about.
In our own family MIL burned Auburn as a chance for D17 because I mentioned it to MIL and MIL then talked about it to D’s cousin, and it’s now the cousin’s top choice, same stats, same major. sigh Lesson learned for me. Luckily Auburn was not a favorite because of its lack of proximity to a city.
So, I’ll try to take everything I learn this year and help D18 next year, and others who are applying to schools that D17 applied to (and D18 doesn’t).
Colleges do not have a quota for each high school so this attitude that another student may take your kid’s spot is quite, silly, imho. I personally know several high schools that send large numbers of kids every year to the same competitive schools, including the Ivies.
Wow, I have to say this thread really surprised me. Having a kid who is just finishing junior year, a very common parent-to-parent conversation right now is “what schools have you visited so far?” and “what schools are you visiting this summer?” Perhaps talking about visiting is not the same as talking about applying, but I thought of this as very normal small-talk for parents of college bound kids (admittedly generally high-stats kids). Personally, I never thought of it as prying or something that would make people uncomfortable, but clearly it does for some so I’ll think twice about being the one initiating the conversation.
^^I’ve read differently-I wish I could remember the articles from the former AO’s where they talk about it, but a public school in the south is not going to get a lot of kids into Stanford.
The friend has been thoughtfully working towards that dream for years, and we don’t want to take the chance of the vicissitudes of a committee somehow choosing D over this kid-we don’t want that kind of karma. D is much more of a pragmatist in her college choices, and wants to feel good about her choices, and we support that.
I think the number of kids who hear “Sally is applying to MIT so I will too” is pretty small. I’d be surprised that even one extra kid applies to Amherst or Yale or U of Chicago just because he hears, in summer of Junior year, that you are applying. My niece and nephew applied to Hawaii because of the WUE, and so did several of their friends from the same town. Did it hurt their chances? Maybe a little but I think all of them who applied got in, and I don’t know whose idea it was to apply first - probably some older kids or siblings had done it and they found out about the program so applied.
A kid from Louisiana is already going to know that LSU and Tulane exist. A small ‘hidden gem’ in the state might become known.
@doschicos - a great community can have problem members. Take CC for example. The vast majority of people on this site are here to gather information and support other people. It’s a community, and I have made excellent friends who have transferred over Into “real” life. Some posters are here to to criticize other people’s ideas and opinions. The bad (in my opinion) does not out weigh the the good.
My school is a really cool place- and when I say that people who insist on a secretive list are perceived as “silly”, it’s because it seems so unnecessary to the community at large. It’s like people who lie about their age- while it’s certainly their prerogative, what do they gain? Sorry that doesn’t fit into your world view. Btw- in my experience, every school even senior year is going to include college discussion - because it’s the most important thing the kids are doing. My juniors and I have been talking about their summer college visit plans for the last week - talking about how they want to gather pictures to post as part of the school website etc