<p>Mythmom, you’re exactly right.</p>
<p>The US obsession with independence with families is not universal.</p>
<p>I’d guess that there are more families in the world where the ties are loosened far later than they are in the US. College is part of that but aren’t the statistics for mental health problems for college graduates much higher than they are for the general population? Perhaps teenage stress accounts for some of that.</p>
<p>I agree with the *mom posts on a more holistic approach.</p>
<p>Mythmom and compmom are very wise. There is no one true way to develop. Some kids are ready for kindergarten at 4 and some are ready at 6. Some people like to live in the same town as their extended families forever and others like to get out of Dodge and never return. We encourage our children to know themselves, to listen to their inner voices, to be true to themselves even if that means bucking the crowd. Here we have a young man who is saying, straight up, that he isn’t ready to leave home. He is an 18 year old adult and that would seem to be his decision to make. He isn’t saying that he wants to curl up in his closet in a fetal position; there is a local university where he can pursue his education and every other aspect of his development. If he were dying to attend the far-off college but had irrational fears standing in his way, he could go see a cognitive-behavioral kind of therapist and work toward his goal of leaving. But it sounds as if, for this year, for this fall, his goal isn’t leaving. There is nothing sick or weird or disturbed about wanting to attend a home-town college. How many kids who decide to go to college very near home do so because, in their heart of hearts, they are experiencing some level of fear and have so many other developmental tasks to accomplish at this transitional age that complete physical separation from the family is not the particular task they choose to take on at that moment? This kid got into a college 10 hours away and, faced with the prospect of actually leaving, has realized that he isn’t ready. So he’ll be ready when he’s a junior. Or for grad school. Or whenever. But I don’t see a rationale for trying force someone to move 10 hours away from home when he doesn’t want to and when there are similar educational opportunities across town.</p>
<p>The thread got a little off-tangent here, although the postings were certainly interesting. OP said S was see-sawing. To me, that means that sometimes he wants to go and sometimes he doesn’t want to go to the school he selected and has spent the summer planning on attending. Many posters seem to interpret that waffling as a decision that he’s definitely not ready, as opposed to some normal nervousness.</p>
<p>OP – What’s going on? Was he just testing the water to see if you’d support a change of heart, or is he seriously concerned about going and looking at the local university again? You might find that if you tell him he’ll support whatever decision he makes, that he’ll get back to packing.</p>
<p>For the see-sawing my response remains the same. To tell the boy that there will be many decisions he has in his life and that things will be fine either way. Then have him take a deep breath and ask him to close his eyes, and look in his heart of hearts to see what he really wants. If he can articulate that, promise to help to make it happen.</p>
<p>If he can’t, visualization exercises until he can.</p>
<p>And yes, today might be a good day to go visit college 10 hours away.</p>
<p>We have hosted many exchange students - as young as 14. When my daughter wanted to go away her Jr year of HS I was very hesitant. She talked us into it and was very excited. About a month before she started to get cold feet and see-sawed back and forth - we went over all the pros and cons. But a week before she was ready to leave - I told her she had to leave, listed all the positive reasons & said it was too late to change her mind (plus I would not get a refund). She packed - on the way to the airport I told her that if she absolutley hated it or if there was something terribly wrong she could come home. It was the best thing she ever did - sure at times she was lonely and we missed each other, but it was a wonderful experience and she has matured greatly.</p>
<p>It’s true, kids are developmentally different. We knew since S was a toddler that separation anxiety was just not part of his makeup. I tested this at the county fair, when H and I decided to just let him waunder, but stayed close enough in the background to jump in as needed. It was almost 10 minutes before he looked around to see where we were.</p>
<p>As a fifth grader, we signed him up for a six week student exchange program in Guadalahara. We had a few emails and phone chats (which we were asked to keep to weekends only.) Not unsurprisingly, he thrived.</p>
<p>His current college list consist of a school that’s about a 15 minutes drive away (H works there) to colleges all the way over on the right coast. </p>
<p>If anything, I will be one of the parents writing on one of those threads, where parents lament why the student doesn’t communicate with parents more often. ;)</p>
<p>I just finished reading the “son scared to go away to school” thread of remarks from earlier posters, and here I am (as a Mom) with an 18-year-old son who is currently a high school Senior, with 3 applications to colleges (waiting now for responses in December), and two of these applications are for schools with some distance away from home: (1) one school is 150 miles (2 and one-half hours away, and the “reach” and most competitive, where my son has visited now 4 different times, and which was his “favorite” up until last week, 11/11/10); (2) a State school 4 hours away but in-state (near our Summer Home, too), and then the local Catholic (non-competitive) liberal arts college. My son also has a $30,000 scholarship to attend the “competitive college” (in Indiana), which I don’t want him to “throw away” because of his current status of “cold feet” (and not wanting to go 150 miles away from home to live on campus). I enjoyed my 4 years of living in a dorm and being at my State School where I’m now an active alumna. But my son also lost his father (my husband) about 18 months ago through a kidney failure-related problem, and it was harrowing for both of us (this happened during my son’s Sophomore year in High School). But now that it’s been 18 months ago, my son now tells me that he’s afraid that the “other shoe may drop” and he doesn’t want to leave home to go to college and be any great distance away because it would be too far for him to get back in time to help me (???). I think that my son is now showing signs of anxiety about leaving home (and he has been in a dorm before for a 10-day Boys’ State event last summer, so he has had several “away-from-home” trips without his parents. I don’t want him to choose against the idea of “going away to school,” so should I insist that he give it a try for a semester before looking at “Plan B” (the local commuter Liberal Arts school only 10 minutes away from home)? In “Plan B” he would live at home rather than in a dorm because I don’t want to pay the extra $7,000 per year for room-and-board for my son’s local college attendance since home is so close, but money really isn’t the issue here (nor is tuition). It’s mostly my concern to push my son (my only child) out of the nest and get him to become more independent. He’ll be age 19 by mid-August, so he’s a bit older already than most High School Seniors (as I write this in November, 2010). Should I give my son an ultimatum (gentle push) by saying that he needs to go out-of-town for the best college choice rather than the local, non-competitive college?</p>
<p>Your a wonderful mom…let him make the final decision but put all the advantages on the table for him to choose wisely. Encourage him to make the pros and cons list so you know his decision was made for the right reason.</p>
<p>Is he worried about you? Does he feel guilty leaving you? Perhaps letting him know you are enjoying your work or whatever you do, and your friends, and that you will be okay if he goes, could help.</p>
<p>This sounds like there might be some unresolved grief issues, and a very understandable level of fear. Do you have health problems or is his anxiety about the “other shoe” dropping a sign of anxiety not based on reality? It is traumatic to lose a parent (was it sudden?) and perhaps a few sessions of counseling could clarify his feelings about where to go to college versus the ramifications of losing his father and leaving his mother alone.</p>
<p>From what I gather from the “second OP’s” post is that her S is fearful that something will happen to his Mom if he goes away and that by being in Indiana, he would not have the ability to “fix” it. This is coming from the ugly head of grief and is 100% on target that the core of the issue needs to be addressed. This has nothing to do with college. This sweet boy is so afraid to lose another parent (and who wouldn’t be…especially a teen) that he can even make good judgements will fear wrapped around his neck.</p>
<p>I think what you have to try to figure out (and there are no easy answers here) is whether or not this is your normal anxiety over leaving home and the uncertainty of what college is going to be like, or whether you think that this anxiety extends beyond the average run-of-the-mill apprehension. It is a tough call, because you don’t want to immediately join him in the anxiety and give him the impression that you don’t believe he can go away from home either, but I think you also don’t want him to feel forced to do something that he feels completely unready for. I think it’s important to let him make the decision whether he thinks he can do it or not, and then be supportive. If he does decide not to go, it will be crucial for you to try to help to not look at this as a failure (and for you to not see it this way, either, because if you do that will certainly come across to him) but rather to help him to acknowledge that people are ready to leave home on different schedules. I went away to college at a young age (16), had never been away from home and felt completely unready. I made it through my freshman year but at a considerable cost to me psychologically, I was utterly miserable and had one of the worst years of my life. I managed to get good grades but transferred to a college near home and commuted for the rest of my college years. I went to graduate school after that, moved away from home, and was fine. If he is panicked about going that far away from home, perhaps it is not the right decision for him right now. Talking to a mental health professional might help him figure our what he really wants and feel ok about whatever that is.</p>
<p>You son’s story is very similar to my step-daughter’s story. I recommend your son see a therapist to work out unresolved grief and abandonment issues. Whether he ends up going away to school or not, is not the most important thing at the moment . . …</p>
<p>By the way, my step-daughter ended up going to school an hour and a half away. It was shaky at first and my husband had to drive up to take her to dinner when she got upset (H and I didn’t know each other at the time) but over time, and with counseling, she got stronger and more independent. She’s now a college graduate, with a great job, and in a good relationship. Who could ask for more?</p>
<p>Good luck to you and your son.</p>
<p>Sending a child away when they show continued signs of not being ready is setting them up for failure. Sure, there are those kids who realize they were scared for nothing but I’d venture to guess the majority of them do not do well and end up back home at great cost or miserable.</p>
<p>This situation screams short term counseling so your son can separate grief, anxiety and normal butterflies.</p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
<p>I am so sorry for your loss and the harrowing circumstances under which it occurred.</p>
<p>Sounds like he is still dealing with residual grief issues. He doesn’t sound like he is afraind of leaving home, he is afraind of leaving you (mom). Did you/he see a therapist duirng your DHs illness and/or after his loss? Is your DS feeling responsible to be the “man” of the house? These are norman feelings, butif they are preventing him from living his life, then agreed-- some therapy would be helpful.</p>
<p>I don’t think there is anything wrong with taking a gap year (defer the attendence after acceptance) during which time he could do some counseling while pursuing an intellectual/creative interest. I also think that sometimes the independence thing is overemphasized in the US and I also believe that adolescence is not really complete until around age 28 in our culture despite graduation, job or graduate school. there’s plenty of time in his life for his growth and development so let him stick around while he heals.</p>
<p>You’re getting great advice here, and I’d only add that there are 9 months from now until he would start school-- plenty of time to address this fully. Get some really good counseling for him and talk talk talk about the future so he can air out his fears. I really feel for him, and I have a hunch that it would be best for him to go if he can.</p>
<p>D, 16, was away for half of this summer, 150 miles from home. She suffered crushing homesickness–but she wanted to stick it out. I ended up driving there once a week for a visit, which helped immensely. She’s so glad she stayed, because it was a victory over a lot of fears, and because she had such a wonderful experience aside from the homesickness. I’m wondering if your S would feel better if you said you’d visit every Sunday (or whatever) until he gets his sea legs (and begins to understand that you won’t evaporate because he’s not in the house with you.) It might be only a few weeks before he was comfortable. </p>
<p>But whatever you decide, you really do have time to think this out with him and find a way to address it that allows him to feel safe and confident.</p>
<p>Banjolady here with some “good news” & some “so-so” news: my 18-yr-old son got accepted (good news!) in an excellent (accepts only 49%) college via Early Action in Indiana, & it’s 150 miles away from home (OH). Originally this college was his “first-choice”. But he’s adamant about not going to the “excellent” school (nationally-known) & instead wanting to attend our regional liberal arts college (which has more teaching/nursing majors; co-ed since 1986; founded in 1920); vs the “excellent” Indiana school which was founded in 1832 and has great alumni network for career/scholarship $$$. Now my (Mom’s) concern: it’s almost as though my son is saying “no” to attending the “Dartmouth” of the Midwest & instead commuting to the local Catholic (formerly all-girls) college founded by Sisters of Charity (& we’re not R. Catholic). My son says he wants to stay home and commute, but this isn’t what he said 2 years ago; also “grief issues” (since husband died 18 months ago). A degree from this local Catholic College won’t give him a career-lift like connections from Indy college. Despite “grief issues” (and he’s had Hospice counseling), should I (as Mom) influence his decision, or should I give up on (what I consider) the nationally-known school since he doesn’t want to leave home? He enjoys local church activities/friends, so this may be a part of his “not wanting to leave” issue. How much should the choice of college be son’s alone vs. parent’s advice?</p>
<p>It should be his choice of course, but he’s bound to be influenced by you… He doesn’t have to fully decide until May 1, right? I would tell him what you’re telling us, make it clear what your preference is (and also clear that he is the one who will choose). And then I’d take him to the further school (150 miles is just about perfect, he can come home any weekend he likes) for visit-- on a beautiful day if possible. He can ask to sit in on a class, eat in the dining hall, etc., etc. So much changes by just being in a place. He may be nervous about leaving you alone, so I think it’s important that he see you really want this for him-- and that he know you’ll be fine, and right there for him too. (150 miles! I envy you-- only 2 of Ds possibilities are that close.)</p>