<p>My son is in his second year of college, living on-campus. When we call him at school, he sounds slightly down—not depressed, just bored—and says there isn't much to do, he doesn't know many people, etc.</p>
<p>He has always been a little different, not extremely awkward but kind of geeky and not particularly sociable, but he is also intelligent, friendly, and well-liked by the people around him.</p>
<p>When we press him for details, it sounds like he's doing a lot and meeting a lot of people. A few names come up repeatedly as people he does activities with, and he is going to an exercise class twice a week, has a running partner and a couple of study partners, and is involved in several campus-wide events. Sounds like he's doing fine, right?</p>
<p>And yesterday, when we dropped off some of his belongings at his residence hall, the elevator opened, and a big group of guys excitedly called his name and asked him to play a game with them that night.</p>
<p>So obviously he is doing things and has friends. But why does he say he's bored and doesn't know many people? Do many young men do this? He has a girlfriend at another college that he doesn't see very often, and my wife and I wonder if perhaps he feels some weird obligation to say he's not having fun because he thinks he has to demonstrate how much he misses his girlfriend or something.</p>
<p>Any thoughts from other parents or insightful college kids?</p>
<p>I’ve heard this before too. Even though I really like Facebook, I think that’s part of the problem. If you look at status lines and photos, it looks like everyone is having a great time; in comparison, it looks like your life is just boring and not as exciting as everyone else’s. Of course, that’s just an illusion; a snippet from a fun thing going on, not their lives 24/7. Just a theory…</p>
<p>If he lives in an area where the climate is different or there’s less sun it could have an impact on his body. A friend of mine got very depressed when he left to an ivy school. Mind you she lived on the beach. She didn’t talk to her parents, she didn’t wanna really do anything she seemed “bored”. Her grades began to drop. Eventually the school got involved and luckily she was able to retake her classes. They got her a special light for her dorm and she’s perfectly fine now and loves college. This of course may not be the same case as your son.</p>
<p>My guess is it is just at that moment when you called him that he was bored. We all get like that sometimes. We could be going out non stop, but the minute we are not doing something, we think we are bored. I would only be concerned if he sound like that all the time. </p>
<p>This is also just beginning of sophomore year, first year excitement is gone, classes are not in full swing yet, so it may seem a bit boring. </p>
<p>We have 2 girls, so I am more used to complete mood swings. One minute everyone hates me, I have no friends, to I have too many parties to go to, so and so is too needy, and I can´t get my work done. </p>
<p>I felt this way in college - had lots of acquaintances and did things, but didn’t feel like I had a core group of friends that supported and defined my social life. I joined a sorority and that solved all of those issues for me. Does your S’s college have fraternities?</p>
<p>Oh, yes, it’s a very “Greek” campus, but he’s one of those who feels that fraternities offer artificial friendships. I doubt if I could convince him to rush, although I’ll bet you’re right about the positive effect it would have.</p>
<p>Before we over-analyze him or hustle him off to a fraternity - is this a common pattern of his? Was he this way in high school, too? You said he was always geeky and not particularly sociable, but in high school, how did he characterize his friends and his social life?</p>
<p>Thanks, scout59. Usually he claimed to feel the same way. Sometimes it seemed justified, sometimes not. He spent his last two years of high school in a math-and-science magnet school where he made some really close friends and met more kids like him than ever before, so part of his problem now could be that he’s comparing those kids with the general population of his large state university and seeing that he doesn’t fit as well.</p>
<p>mantra, is there a math/science group on campus he can look into?</p>
<p>My S was in his HS band and joined the marching band in college and met most of his first friends there. This year, his goal is to join a group in his major.</p>
<p>Are you sure that when he says he’s bored that he’s referring to his social life? Could he be bored with his classes or maybe is having second thoughts about his major?</p>
<p>As a mother of a son, I also realise that my S typically doesn’t like/want to tell me whats been going on in his life. He’ll tell me that it’s none of my business, that I don’t need to worry about anything, or, if he’s really pressed for “time”, “nothing”. A boy saying that he’s bored might just be shorthand for, “I’m doing fine. I’ve done all of my homework. And my laundry. And none of my friends are on facebook to chat with.”</p>
<p>^ I tend to agree with that… having a son. My son would often make the ‘I’m bored or unhappy’ comment when all the evidence pointed to someone who had a lot of friends, was always laughing when you saw him with his friends, was out nearly every night of the week with said friends…</p>
<p>I do think finding a group, whether it be a fraternity or a special interest group is very important when you are on a large state university campus. Just the sheer number of students (son’s school 20,000) can make one feel lost. Joining an organization can make it feel much smaller. The fraternity thing worked for my son but it’s not for everyone.</p>
<p>Remember that introvert/extrovert thread sometime back? To me, your S sounds like a classic introvert. Sometimes kids think that everyone else is having this huge social life which they are not part of and therefore they are leading a “boring” life. I agree with other posters that joining a group would be helpful, but it just isn’t that simple for someone who is an introvert.</p>
<p>My son is a definite introvert - has taken the Myers-Briggs many times. How in the world he managed to join a fraternity and love it is beyond me. As an introvert myself, it sounds like pure torture. I think the key is (once past the pledging period) you get to decide how much or little you want to participate. A lot of introverts are quite social as long as they have the right amount of ‘down’ or alone time. Even introverts need to feel like they belong.</p>
<p>^ I agree. But as an extroverted mom it’s been a real struggle for me to finally “get” that what is so easy and natural for me (I’ve always been and still am a “joiner”), is very, very hard for my introverted kids.</p>
<p>Wait- is he still in the flagship Chinese program? Usually the kids in those types of programs would be pretty tight, I would think, and they HAVE to keep talking in language classes, often about themselves. I can imagine that once classes get underway he will be too busy to feel lonely.</p>
<p>I’m not sure what an “artificial friendship” is. That sounds like an oxymoron.</p>
<p>In any event, if the Greek system is big, there is probably a house that suits him, regardless of his geekiness or introversion. Introverts can thrive in the Greek system, because the social mores are pretty much laid out for them. All they need to do is show up and smile. In a house of 40+ brothers, he is sure to find at least one or two that he will ‘click’ with. Encourage him to at least check it out.</p>
<p>He is, but unfortunately the kids he bonded with best have dropped out of the program. They still hang out together outside the flagship program.</p>
<p>I’m glad you mentioned that, because it hadn’t occurred to me that this may be part of the problem. Like the other flagship students, he probably spends more time on Chinese than anything else, and now that his friends are gone from the program, and he hasn’t formed a similar bond with anyone else in the program, he may be feeling a bit disconnected. Thanks for bringing it up! I’ll float the idea and see if he opens up about it.</p>
<p>Assuming that he is a math or science major, are honors courses available and is he taking them? Such courses may be another place for him to meet other students who are more intellectually curious than perhaps the typical student at a big state university. (And if that is the issue, joining a fraternity may not solve the problem, since fraternities are likely to be made of fairly typical students in this respect.)</p>
<p>^^^^^^^^^^^^And along those lines, could he find time to work in a lab as either a volunteer(grant money sadly seems to be lacking of late) or for pay? (Does his school offer this as an opportunity for sophomores?)</p>