<p>Wow–
Sadly predictable response from the daughter.
I’ve forgotten-- so could you kindly refresh my memory-- what is her relationship with her mother, and what is his relationship with his ex (her mom)? I predict daughter will whine and complain to mom about how awful, mean, unreasonable <<<fill in=“” additional=“” negative=“” adjectives=“” here=“”>>> dad is being. If mom agrees with daughter, it’ll take longer for dau to get on board. If mom can support dad and maintain a unified front, dau will hopefully come around sooner. So, if possible, it is a good idea for dad to talk to mom, if they have a civil relationship, explain his intent and plans, and ask for her support, for the good of their daughter.</fill></p>
<p>Mom remarried and moved out of the country, IIRC.</p>
<p>^^ Thanks, owlice.
If dau has a relationship with mom , she will likely (a) try to get mom to get dad to change his mind and withdraw the contract or (b) get mom and stepdad to fund dau’s lifestyle. If Mom can support dad, thats best. Nip the manipulation and “divide and conquer” behavior at the get-go. With email, skype and international calling, it should be manageable for dad to reach out to mom and try to gain some support and provide a consistent front to the out-of-control daughter.</p>
<p>BRAVO!!! At this point she has no reason to trust his seriousness and I imagine he will need the continued support from his SO and his good friends that what he is doing is ultimately in the best interests of his daughter. Honestly, I am incredibly proud of his follow thru.</p>
<p>Question: Is the Mom on board with some accountability of DD? Because if she has no one to be on her side of irresponsibility and manipulation (adults that is), she’ll turn the corner faster than if the Mom promotes the dad as a pushover.</p>
<p>And here’s the thing: Patience dad.</p>
<p>Yes, my father was a huge cheerleader. But he also rarely put up with crap and when we were mad at him, fine. He waited us out and when we finally picked up the phone there was no need to apologize (although I am sure there were times he was owed one). He just opened the door when you knocked and welcomed you like nothing much had happened. So…Tell him to be patient, not tolerate bad behavior, but patient to her extending some sort of olive branch. I wouldn’t expect her to be all “you’re right” anytime soon (if at all) but I do see her evolving into a more begrudging participant. And even that will be a huge step for DD and is her way of saving face : “I’ll do it but I am not going to like it.” That should be perfectly fine. The rest will come.</p>
<p>Also… I advise setting up dates for renegotiation so it’s not a constant subject.</p>
<p>My guess is that the daughter will continue to act out and make her dad’s life hell. Screaming and carrying on doesn’t work? She’ll try other forms of blackmail (stealing, drugs, sleazy boyfriends, whatever will get dad’s goat). There is a lot of pathology here, and this is going to get worse before it gets better. They both really need to seek counseling.</p>
<p>Best wishes to Dad.</p>
<p>It doesn’t matter what the Bio Mom thinks. If Bio Mom has the cash to support the daughter, then Bio Mom will have to deal with the issues. If Bio Mom doesn’t, then Daughter still needs to come to the bargaining table, regardless of whether Bio Mom supports Daughter or Dad. If Bio Mom supports Daughter, then it only delays the inevitable.</p>
<p>One thing going for Dad is that Daughter can’t run home every weekend to plead her case. She either gets with the program, or she doesn’t.</p>
<p>I wonder what her friends think? She’s probably telling her friends that Dad is being a scrooge. I wonder whether the friends are as irresponsible, or do they party within their limits and see her as a spoiled brat.</p>
<p>I agree with midwesterner though. She will start to act out in other inappropriate ways. However, it is better to get it out of her sooner, rather than later.</p>
<p>While I would not say that D will disintegrate into what midwesterner suggested, I would venture to guess that her behavior will go backwards a bit before it stabilizes and she begins to make progress in dealing with her issues. This is normal for such an intervention. </p>
<p>And like the others above I do worry about the others (i.e. Mom) not being on board for the program. Hopefully she’ll get the message quickly so there isn’t a misconception by the D that she has enablers. Such a confusion will only delay the progress.</p>
<p>And like the others above suggest F’s patience will be tested and needs to be firm, especially if Mom is not aboard. If mom turns into an enabler, it will necessitate both Mom and D coming to the realization that what F is doing is best - often a difficult thing in an post-marital relationship.</p>
<p>Regardless of what Mom is doing, F is doing absolutely the correct thing. Sorry if I’ve been a bit late joining the chorus of praise here.</p>
<p>And if F wants to join us here on CC, he is always welcome with plenty of supportive folks.</p>
<p>Mom is on his side. She has pretty much washed her hands of DD and stopped funding her. DD has also been a little terror to her and her new husband.</p>
<p>I’m guessing DD will come around sooner rather than later as she wants the funding. She is on bare bones until things get resolved. She will not be allowed to live at home this summer without taking a job and summer is a few weeks away.</p>
<p>hmom5 - just read through the entire thread for the first time. You must be incredibly inspired by and proud of your friend. It is a difficult, painful thing to break years of dysfunctional behavior. Sounds like the therapist he saw earned their pay that day; I would only hope that he continues to see that therapist while this continues to play out. He will have doubts at times, and will feel weak at times, but a skilled therapist can not only be a great sounding board, but can hold the dad accountable to his end of the contract.</p>
<p>My instincts tell me that this is not over so easily though. I completely agree with jym that this daughter likely has some sort of disorder that needs to be addressed (separately from family therapy) with her own therapist.</p>
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<p>Oh my gosh! I can’t imagine her getting a regular job for the summer. Could you imagine her bagging groceries? Can you imagine her even applying for a job? At least at School, they are a lot of jobs designed for students (food service).</p>
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<p>I’ve seen this happen in a marriage where the mom got fed up with the uber-Princess but the father continued to put up with it. Finally, Dad got some spine. It was not pretty.</p>
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<p>hmom5–There are ways for this girl to avoid “coming around.” This is were it make get really dicey. It is interesting that previously mom got married and moved away. I’ve seen a marriage for money (to a substantially older wealthy guy) used by one young woman when her parents got fed up and set strict rules on conduct and support.</p>
<p>Then I guess she would no longer be her Dad’s problem, as long as Dad tells her husband, “There is no return policy.”</p>
<p>oldfort–“it ain’t over till its over.” Grandchildren! </p>
<p>When parents get into these struggles with young adult aged children, it can play out a lot of different ways. That is why letting a young child/teen rule can be so detrimental. </p>
<p>Where the young adult child doesn’t crater to the parents’ newly found resolve, the parents can later be in a situation of never having a relationship with their grandchildren. To some this might not matter a lot, but to some it does.</p>
<p>Well it will surely be interesting to see what happens. I believe DD is too enamoured of Dad’s lifestyle to stay away for long. No rich guy is going to put up with her antics the way her loving parents did for so long. From other kid’s I’ve seen like her, good chance she’ll depend on her parents for a lot for life. And I think dad will be happy to be generous with her if she gets her act together.</p>
<p>keep us updated hmom5…this is one of the best threads i’ve read on here…very interesting.</p>
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<p>Dad should fire the counselor. Having money and control drive the relationship was the problem the father wanted to escape, not reinforce by doing it in the reverse direction. That the girl controlled to gain money is not a reason for Dad to use money to gain control. A smart counselor would have insisted on an unmistakable separation of principles and money, Dad muddled them by following counselor’s counsel.</p>
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From what I remember from Psych 101 and schedules of reinforcement, you’ll see a classic extinction burst here. Things will get worse before they get better.</p>
<p>“Extinction burst”…don’t know what it is, but it sounds messy.</p>
<p>One reason it may get worse (regardless of whether it eventually gets better), is that the father has given the daughter legitimate reasons for resentment. Any counselor who suggests such tactics is committing malpractice.</p>
<p>sisterune–I can see that seperation of principles from money/control is what a healthy relationship with a young adult child would have. But, how do you see that being possible ***after the fact ***of the relationship that OP has presented?</p>
<p>I can see the Dad stating that he is fixing and limiting his commitment to D’s education to $XXXXXXX. I can even see not connecting and conditioning that commitment to what the D does with it other than stay in college. </p>
<p>But if Dad has been providing a virtual gravy train (through guilt and emotional blackmail) before, how is this new limited commitment not going to provide his Princess with “legitimate reasons for resentment”? Also, isn’t the father entitled to set his boundaries with D over her conduct concerning the SO? How does the father react if D continues to act out against the SO? IS there some point where you see the Dad drawing a line and connecting this conduct and his continued financial commitment?</p>
<p>Personally, I agree with your premise that a healthy relationship doesn’t mix principles and money/control. I just see this as something extremely difficult to start mid-ship wreck. While of little or no help to OP’s friends (the Dad and his SO), the importance of not starting down the path to these control arrangements when the child is much younger cannot be over emphasized.</p>