John Hodgeman in his NYT Column answered a question about whether adult children could say no to parents who wanted to spend the night at a very inconvenient time ( the kids had to be up,at 4 am for a flight. The parents wanted to stay so they could avoid a 90 min drive home late at night) Hodgeman supported the letterwriter’s denial of the parents both figuratively and literally. ( he told the letter writer to tell the in-laws to “ get a room” and sent money to pay for it!) I would never ask to stay with my kids except in a true emergency and wouldn’t have wanted my in laws here under all but exigent circumstances. But some people I know would be offended if their kids refused to put them up. You?
Ds1 and his wife have a four-story house when you include the basement and finished attic. Yeah, we expect to stay with them when we visit. They have plenty of room.
Ds2 has a roommate in half a duplex. We would not expect to stay with him.
When the kids visit us, we put them up.
ETA: I found the column. This example isn’t at all comparable to my situation.
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I can’t imagine situation were my kids would say no if I wanted to stay with them. It doesn’t mean I would ask them unless it was an emergency but I would be very upset if they say no just because of the level of closeness we have.
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Edited to put in more details from the column. In any event . I have a four story 5 bedroom home and my answer would still have been “ there’s a nice hotel nearby” unless there was some sort of emergency.
I can’t read the article, but… If my kids had a spare bedroom and I wanted to visit, Id expect to stay there. If they told me it wasn’t a good time because of X, I’d be ok with visiting at a different time.
The title of of the article mentions an airport hotel. If I need to stay for that reason, I’d hope that they could host me. But I would understand if something popped up. Also, if we needed to stay every weekend I could see that being a problem. It wouldn’t hurt my feelings at all.
As it is now, older S and GF live in a 1 BR apartment. We get a hotel. And we also ask what weekend would be good to visit. We can go almost anytime. Their social calendar is more busy - as it should be!
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Staying in anyone else’s home including my kids or my parents is a “only if some is dying or dead situation” for me. Hard no.
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My in-laws traveled between one home and another for a lot of years…and our house was the halfway point of a 12 hour drive. They stopped here coming and going just about everytime. I did put my foot down about them bringing their own food…because I thought it was rude. And we would get what they wanted and have it. It was usually an overnight with breakfast. Then they left. No big deal.
I have stayed with my adult kids….and I slept on the inflatable air mattress. Since this isn’t a weekly occurrence , they were fine with it.
If we are going to be visiting the far away kid for a week or longer, we get a hotel or Airbnb nearby. But if needed, I’m sure he would say yes to us staying there.
When I go to visit my family in a state about 9 hour drive away, I always stay with one of my sisters, or a cousin. They trade me off! Everyone has the room. I’m a very low maintenance guest. The only time I stayed in a hotel was for two funerals…because my whole family came, and we had a suite. It was just easier for that.
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Just the words “ air mattress” had me hyperventilating. Lol. I’m a VERY fussy sleeper. One of the reasons I avoid staying with others if humanely possible.
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The air mattresses my kids have are excellent ones…double high, and comfy. I bought them!
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My kids would be disappointed if we didn’t stay with them when we visit. Even when they live in small places, we bring our thermarest pads and sleeping bags. Their places are bigger than the tents we use when camping. 
We’re a very close family and enjoy late night games together as well as other things.
Our Puerto Rico son was thrilled that we added an extra week+ to our time there so we could spend time at his place. He’s building an earthen tent (of sorts) for us to use and assured me they’re getting a solar powered (hot water) shower. It’ll be fun. Afterward we’ll all be going to an AirBnB on the water for a month.
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I’ve stayed at the kid’s place and I’ve also stayed at the hotel nearby and met up with the kid for dinner, etc. Prefer the latter, although it’s nice to spend time with the cat while kid is at work.
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We stay with our parents and vice versa, and have already stayed at our D’s apartment on occasion when she was on co-op. On the other hand, we all have mutual said “it’s not a good time” if there was a conflict. Just seems like common courtesy to me and I would never push if someone said that it wasn’t convenient.
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Having just had my MIL here for a week long visit where she stayed with us, we obviously do not have a problem with it. I can’t imagine ever turning away my parents or in-laws if they needed or wanted a place to stay. We have room so never would consider putting them in a hotel unless that is what they preferred. My parents live nearby so no need for them to stay here, but they do visit my sister a couple times a year and always stay at her house.
I have visited my adult daughter and stayed in her guest room. I went out to visit specifically to provide some companionship at her request (her fiance was deployed with the Navy for months; she has no family and few friends nearby)She was working a lot of hours, so I went and took care of her dog and made healthy homecooked meals to give her a break. Dh flew out a few weeks after me, did some house projects that needed to be done and worked out of her house while she was at work.
Both Dh and I are part of extended families who open up their houses to visiting family so it’s not weird for either of us. That said, no one expects to be waited on or entertained the whole time. There is a mutual respect/understanding to allow both hosts and guest to have some downtime alone. And we don’t invite ourselves, nor do they.
That said, we would never expect to stay with someone if the timing was inconvenient for them.
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Our ds has not yet lived in a place that would be conducive to hosting us, so that issue has not presented itself yet. I would speculate he would be okay with it for short periods of time if he had the space.
My in-laws have always stayed with us, and we have always stayed with them. What drives me crazy is the, “always,” aspect of it. I feel as if there is no choice in the matter. Mil is now widowed, so I don’t mind it as much as when fil was living. Mil can drive my bonkers, but I get along with her and do enjoy her company most of the time. Fil not so much.
Fil was as cheap as they come. They stayed with us because it was free. Fil always expected to be waited upon. Mil didn’t used to be like that, but now that fil has passed, she expects to be waited on whether we are at our place or we are at hers. It’s annoying, but this is where we have evolved. I have complained about that aspect of her on here before.
It would be nice to be able to have my own, off-site space (not just a guest room) to truly retreat to. At any rate, now that we have been married 34 years, I’m sure it would be considered insulting were we to suddenly switch to staying elsewhere now.
I am all about making preemptive strikes in as many areas as possible with ds, so I have spoken hypothetically to him about what things will look like if he marries, has children, etc. What I have tried to impress upon him is that each visit doesn’t always have to be the same. That he and his future family will always be welcome to stay with us, but they don’t HAVE to. And, they can pick and choose between and even among visits (stay three nights with us - stay in their own space down the road for three nights). Future kids can stay with us, and he and wife can stay elsewhere for a little break from the kids. Right now ds is a single guy and back in grad school. I have no doubt he will always stay with us until he gets married. When he and the now ex girlfriend visited, they stayed with us. It was only three nights, though.
With all that said, we live at the beach. People invite themselves to stay with us all the time. I really do not mind, but I have limited non-family members to no more than four nights. It is a lot of work to have someone stay in your home - even with the easiest of guests. Linens, cleaning, food and beverage needs, etc. Until Covid, we hosted overnight company an average of every six weeks the first two years we lived here.
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The article describes a very specific and inconvenient situation that’s really not about visiting family.
In this case the in-laws would probably arrive at their house close to 1am, and the couple needs to be up at 4:30am to catch a flight. There would be no social overlap (i.e. not a “family visit” at all) and the couple would end up having to travel on about 3 hours sleep.
Tough call either way, imho.
My wife and I have an early flight out of Jacksonville requiring us to get up at 4:30 a.m. Meanwhile my in-laws are flying into JAX at 11:45 p.m. the night before. They want to stay with us after they land, as their house is 90 minutes away from the airport, and ours is 20. I think it’ll be too hectic (we also have a dog and two cats). My wife feels she can’t say no.
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This would be a hard no for me unless there was a separate ADU. And I’d be ticked if there was family pushback. I’d offer the $ for an airport hotel.
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I just spent a month at my parents place, and if they come to visit, I expect them to come for 4 to 6 months. Or come and stay with me permanently if they want to move to where I am. Staying in a hotel is unimaginable.
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When we lived 5+ hours away from our families, visits (to them or from them to us) always involved staying in each other’s homes. We all had the room and especially once I had my first baby, it was a big benefit to us to have my mom or MIL take the night shifts for the weekend and give us a break. These visits were never more than 2 or 3 days.
I would never say no to close family.
As far as friends, I do open my home (we live at the beach and like @Hoggirl mentioned, people always want to visit — at least between May and September). That said, we have a 2 night max. Our house is not large so I don’t think anyone questions this rule.
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My kids can stay with us any time. It goes both ways. Given that, why wouldn’t I expect to be able to stay with my kids?
For me this is theoretical as none are married or with homes of their own.
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I would be offended but that’s not a concern. My DD would insist on me staying with her and would be offended if I didn’t want to. Even in college she would get a little miffed that I chose hotels rather than staying with her. That’s just how we are. I’ve never had a visitor go to a hotel, family or friend. Even if there isn’t a lot of space, we’ve always made it work. That’s all she knows.
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