I think this is a bit tricky. I would imagine my wife may not want to come and stay in my parents house for a month. But she could if she wanted to. Likewise, downstream, when kids get married, it depends on their spouse as to whether we and they feel comfortable with this arrangement. That is a new person coming into the family, and we would have to respect their wishes. If this is important for our kids, they will choose their spouses accordingly.
Not that people are spending long amounts of time in each othersâ houses. But this becomes relevant if the parents become really old, and the choice is whether they are going to be at the kidsâ home or in a nursing home.
Whether my small apartment or my daughterâs, we share a full bed and watch Netflix together before sleeping. At my sonâs, he gives me the bed and he takes the couch, then we switch because he needs his routine. They would never ask me to stay in a hotel. Staying with them is the only way I get to spend quality time with them in pjâs.
We did an annual stay with my in-laws and all of DHs siblings and spouses until we all started having kids. We were the first to stay on a hotel. It was funny because we just said we were doing it, and got a lot of pushbackâŠbut when we checked into the hotel, two of DHs brothers and families were right there checking in also.
The hotel was 10 minutes from the in-laws house which had 2 bathrooms and 4 bedrooms, not enough room for 6 siblings, all with children except one.
MIL is widowed now. She has a two bedroom house. Our SIL has a six bedroom house about 15 minutes away and when we visit, thatâs where we stay.
We have plenty of space here and welcome any family member, and friends to stay here. Itâs never an issue, and we love the company. Fun to have dinner, relax, and maybe go up to the lake near our house in warmer weather.
We have even hosted folks at the last minute. 7 family members were traveling and realized they would not reach their destination until 3 am. Called us at 10 pm and asked if they could stop. Absolutely!
Well, I meant for hosting guests other than your situation or similar with a sister, cousin, friend, etc.
If your daughter had a guy friend come visit or a couple or something, I would think having only one bedroom would make her hostessing abilities more, âlimited.â I simply meant it as a space limitation, in general. Just as the other poster said about about having six siblings and their families and only two bathrooms.
The few times my mama came to visit me after I first started working and before she died, she stayed with me in my one bedroom apartment, and we shared a double bed, so I definitely did what you do now. I enjoyed it, too, for the very limited time I was able to have that.
For me, itâs a sleep issue. I am a fussy sleeper. I need a GREAT bed, an extra room to go to in the middle of the night to sit and read, blasting fan or AC. We either stay in great hotel suites or rent a house/ apartment ( with reviews touting the quality of the beds). Staying with a kid would make everyone miserable. I also hate sharing a bathroom (at home DH and I donât share). The people who are âinsultedâ when you wonât stay with them Iâm just perplexed by.
My MIL used to be very much of the âyour house or not comingâ, even when we were living in a one bedroom apartment w/a baby in temporary housing. That was a hard no for me and we offered to put them up in the hotel down the street and they refused to come until we were settled into the new house. Whatever, it was their loss.
I also think the situation the OP shared with parents coming in at midnight and adult children needing to be out the door at 4:30, with pets in the house, isnât a typical visit.
We fully expect everyone to say with us under normal circumstances. Heck, we are even adding a bedroom and bathroom to our basement right now so we can have more people comfortably staying with us at one time. Between bedrooms, sofa beds and futons, we can now sleep 12. Wouldnât be ideal but we could do it
For us, with the 1 BR and all their furniture - and a dog! there isnât enough room for a mattress on the floor without rearranging everything. And H wouldnât do well on the floor or a couch even. I also like to have my down time. This past weekend, we were doing stuff all day until late into the evening, so I built in a 2 hour window where I (and H) could go back to the hotel and just chill and nap. I wonât make it until midnight otherwise.
That being said, when I flew out to help older S drive the 1200 miles back from his internship, he had 1BR/1BA in a shared airBNB. I slept on the floor there - no mattress even. I donât need anything fancy to sleep, but I do like my down time. I was able to happily entertain myself while he was at work.
But that example in the article⊠I can definitely see why they said no. Thatâs not a visit at all.
@Hoggirl good point: this ties into other issues on other threads: kids without significant others or kids! There would be several options when that happens: larger digs, family getting together in a rental, or hotel stays. I look forward to that, but it is okay if this situation continues, too.
My kids grew up with 5 people sharing one bathroom. It was tough in the morning, thatâs for sure!
Significant others complicates things ; ). When I visited my D alone in her studio, I stayed with her. When H and I travelled together to visit, we got a hotel room. She offered to let us sleep on a blow up bed in her apartment for graduation (she only has a single bed in her room) but her boyfriend is going to be there too. Thatâs a hard no for me! (Thankfully her section is graduating in the afternoon so no need for us to stay over so crisis averted but I think BF would have slept at a friendâs apartment and we would have gotten the floor. Hotel rooms are $1200+/night for graduation weekend if you can find one).
Do the in laws have their own keys and code to enter their home? If the kids are leaving the next morning, whoâs taking care of the dog? If he is being boarded, that would happen the night before. But if not, then the dog would wake the household up. What are the cultural norms of the in laws? And how big is the house. Iâm not sure why the kids need to be up when the parents arrive. They can let themselves in and leave in the morning. Also do the parents need a ride home from the airport. If thatâs the case, I would ask them to get a hotel, leave them a car which they could pick up in the morning. So many factors that could affect the outcome.
But I think it comes down to what the wife feels comfortable doing. She may know what her parents expect and is doing what she learned growing up. It may be that her parents home was a gathering place and this is the norm. Unfortunately for the husband.
Do I think the parents should read the room and decide not to stay? Of course. But in law relationships are tricky.
We stay with our kids and the kids stay with us. Iâve stayed with our in laws when catching an early flight, we stayed with the in laws when my husband had surgery in their home town. But my parents would stay in a hotel when we had kids at home and a small house.
Iâve stayed with our son and his family as they are halfway to my daughterâs. Iâve stayed with my sister when in the same situation. We love to see them and catch up.
@maya54 Some may feel the same way you do. But Iâm not fussy and no one in my family is the same. We like visitors in our home. Itâs our cultural norm.
It did with my in-laws who would the one time they stayed with us felt the need to make it clear that they could hear me moving around at night and that it disturbed their sleep. I felt very constrained and After that we made hotel reservations for them. My kids are welcome to stay here. But i hope never to stay with them, just as I hope never to stay with anyone.
I love that my parents stay with us when they visit (we have a guest room). Itâs also special that they have always come to visit their kids in every place we have lived. However, when we had three teenagers in the house, it would have been nice to be able to ask that they not stay with us during a couple of rough periods. I did not want to have to explain why, and my parents arenât the âno questions askedâ type. It was crushingly stressful to have teens struggling with mental health issues under the same roof as their grandparents. I know that damage was done because I was not able to juggle everyoneâs needs successfully, and did not want my parents to be part of the crisis. Although our kids came out the other end of that tunnel, I still regret specific times when I did not react well to them because I was also hosting my parents.
We will tell our kids that we are happy to change our plans to visit at any time, for real, âno questions askedâ. Parenting is hard enough, and sometimes youâre not ready to explain the problem, or need to protect the privacy of your child.
Every situation is different and I donât feel itâs my place to judge what people decide. My parents have always stayed with us and vice versa, but now that my dad is in a retirement facility (a very nice apartment), I wonât stay with him because all he has is an air mattress.
Our kids are welcome to stay with us at this time, but you never know whatâs going to happen in the future. In this particular case, I think itâs asking a lot of the kids to crash at their house when they have to get up so early. The parents really are just using it as a free hotel.
YesâŠthough Iâm open to that, as well (for close family and friends), and have been the recipient of that from others. Last month we drove to a concert in Baltimore - 2.5 hours from home. Instead of paying for a hotel or driving home late at night, we stayed at my SILâs house (20 minutes from venue). Arrived quietly (let ourselves in using the security code they provided) close to midnight, enjoyed breakfast with them (we brought the NJ bagels) and then left. I didnât hesitate to ask her if we could, and wouldnât (and havenât) hesitate to provide the same for her and her family.
But I also wouldnât have been offended if she said it was inconvenient for them.
My parents live 100 miles away and we (and the kids) have stayed with them many times over the years. My parents have also stayed with us when they come to visit.
Both of of our girls live in town at the moment so no reason to stay at their places. When D1 lived in NYC we would stay with her. She happily gave H and I her bedroom and slept on the sleeper couch when we visited.
All families are different so I donât judge how others do their families. To each his own!
I think my son got use to me staying in a hotel thru all the years of college and grad school. He always had roommates . My DIL offered for me to stay in their house next visit, but my son felt that Iâd be better in hotel, with the baby. Like Maya, though my feathers ruffled a little, as I was hoping to help with the baby, I am a poor sleeper. The motel is nice and inexpensive.
