<p>I think the idea that there is “nurturing” at BS is a fiction. BSs try to pick students who can handle it, and for the most part, the students need to find a way to do just that. Mommie and Daddy are not around and teachers are by no means a replacement. They will provide structure for all kids (i.e. a very busy and controlled schedule) and academic support if kids need it, but I hardly consider this nuturing. Having 2 very different kids in two different BSs, we have found neither is nurtured, both are pushed, and to a large degree, they are ignored, because they are not on anyone’s radar as needing help. Parents, BS is much more sink or swim than it is supportive, IMO. As a result, for #3 child we will likely keep him home for high school.</p>
<p>grinzing, the top schools (HADES or even GLADCHEMMS) do feel very much like what you have described, but I’d be hesitatant in making that generalization about all boarding schools. I imagine they do differ. As said earlier, top BS is a a great challenge and carries risks even to the most motivated and capable. One has every reason to be cautious before stepping into it.</p>
<p>One difference is that most of the textbooks they use at BS are college texts- no high school texts for my kids since 9th grade. Child 1 at rigorous university pronounces the workload “much more maneagable” at college, plus you are taking the classes that you want, having placed out of a lot of the prerequisites!</p>
<p>As far as stress goes, I think it depends on what you’re used to. I came to Andover accustomed to doing six hours of homework and getting five hours of sleep. For me the workload has been very manageable. I go to clubs every night of the week and still have time to relax and do all my homework. </p>
<h2>Stress isn’t bad. It means that you’re working hard and really thinking. If I wasn’t stressed, I would be bored.</h2>
<p>I’d have to agree that BS isn’t very nurturing. The help is there, but you have to ask for it. I haven’t asked, thus I’ve only spoken to my house counselors once and haven’t really talked to any other people who are supposed to make up my support system. </p>
<p>When help is offered it’s aimed at keeping up your academic performance, not making sure that you’re happy. My yoga teacher frequently tells us that it’s important to rid our minds of stress because it’s taking up space that could be used to store facts.</p>
<p>grinzing,</p>
<p>I found your post very sad. Not all schools are the same, but there are quite a few that do “nurture.” That is not the same as coddling, however.</p>
<p>I just returned from an extended forum at my daughter’s school where I had unprecedented access to all aspects of campus life and there was a significant nurturing “vibe” going on there. Much different than my own alma mater which is why she chose it. So it wasn’t a coincidence that I met other HADES grads at the same forum whose children chose it for the same reason.</p>
<p>Our conversations with faculty revealed their interest in our daughter went well beyond just academics, extracurriculars and “rules.” I have to say my husband are still thanking the universe that my daughter’s found her “tribe.”</p>
<p>I’m sorry that your children are having a different experience, but I know - from my discussions with students/parents on the forum and other campus visits, that my experience isn’t an isolated case (if anything, one parent PM’d me about a school that was academically competitive but “too nurturing” to the point that kids didn’t have enough independence for all the adult interaction/intervention). </p>
<p>I hope students look beyond artificial “school ranks” to discover the real gems that have an added value beyond “sink or swim” academics and campus life. At least at my D’s school, my daughter gets treated like one of the family and, frankly, so did we.</p>
<p>The stress is mostly self inflicted, in my opinion. Do you REALLY have to do calc b/c as a freshman? Do you REALLY have to play 3 sports, join 4 clubs, act in the school play, and strive for all A’s in every class? The schools offer many great educational and extrucurricular opportunites, so there seems to be a need to experience as many as possible. However, there are also positives to just kick back and sometimes relax. There’s a whole lifetime ahead to be stressed, why rush it at 14/15/16/17 years old…</p>
<p>Contrary to the persistent opinion on CC, Exeter, in our experience, has been very nurturing–not in a babying way, but certainly providing my son with emotional as well as academic support. We had to get the ball rolling by alerting the adviser, but that was it. If you, the parent, don’t ask for it, you’re not going to get it though…most kids look fine on the outside and aren’t going to reach out themselves at first. My son is now comfortable enough with his adviser to share his worries and questions with him. </p>
<p>Alex: I’d say, at least in my son’s case, pretty much all the stress comes from academics–not calculus, just a normal courseload (my son says he’s in “dummy math”) :). His sport and ec’s are a release–in fact, he’s way more stressed when he’s not exercising. It’s just getting used to doing hours, rather than an hour or two, of homework that takes a toll. At home, the sports and ec’s were more stressful because they were constantly interfering with the school day.</p>
<p>As a parent currently evaluating schools, my questions are: Is all this stress really necessary? Where is it coming from? Shouldn’t 14 year old children be able to be academically successsful and happy?</p>
<p>If the ADCOMS have done their job, then the admitted students should be able to handle the workload. Further, advisors should be ensuring that their students are not over extending themselves with too many sports/EC’s. I can understand stress during the initial “settling in” period for students new to BS. I can also understand some stress during final exams. However, stress and severe lack of sleep is reported by current students all too frequently on this board. There is a disconnect here between my understanding of the role of admissions officers and all these stressed, sleep deprived children. Are the BS’s expecting too much or are the students just not able to keep up?</p>
<p>Has anyone else read “The Gift of an Ordinary Day”? I just finished and it shed a whole new perspective on my school search. It was written by a mother of two sons and details her journey on finding the right schools - although her husband attended Harvard, she chose a combination of Waldorf, The High Mowing School and public school for her own sons. It is a very personal story and beautifully written - it is worth a quick read for those of us in the midst of this process. It made me lament that we do not have an east coast version of Thacher. Funny, I never hear a Thacher student complaining about stress or sleep deprivation!</p>
<p>Stress is part of the college prep program. Every student finds that point where they cannot possibly get done everything they need to get done at the level that they want to do it. They have to learn to set priorities and make choices. Stop working on the math problem thay can’t get, and focus on proofreading the history paper one last time. That includes figuring out when it would actuallly be more productive to stop working and go to sleep.</p>
<p>These are life lessons that everyone faces eventually. BS students face it in HS instead of college or later.</p>
<p>Madaket - the kids who attend top boarding schools are generally hard-working, ambitious and smart. Most find college easier, especially to start. If you were to poll the kids at Thacher, you’d find that many bemoan a lack of sleep or have stressful weeks as they struggle to prioritize tasks and manage time. </p>
<p>The difference from the schools described by some in this thread is a conscious attempt by Thacher to instill habits around balance and self-governance, the ability AND desire to self-regulate for health and general happiness. While academic stress is certainly part of the school’s fabric, it’s not so extreme that kids get physically sick on a regular basis or face daily sadness, depression or anger. What good is high achievement if the cost is despair? There is a line that can be crossed. While that line varies by child and circumstance, every school is different in how it influences/teaches/coaches self-regulation.</p>
<p>Lots of good points here… I think a big part of the stress comes from feeling unable to excel as one used to be. For example, the median class ranking of Andover’s entering class is 1% and the average SSAT is 94%. These kids are used to being on top. It’s true that their parents have been spoiled and take it for granted, but more importantly the kids have high expectations of themselves. No matter how parents and teachers try, some level of stress is bound to happen. The bar is just lot higher. The same individual may experience less stress in a lower tiered school even if the school is not markedly “nurturing”. A major contributing factor? Less competitive/strong peers. That said, some schools may indeed be more nurturing than others.</p>
<p>Many parents hope their kids’ top BS can be more nurturing, but mom and dad, you try to be “nurturing” to your proud and stubborn teenager! Just because you could when he was in middle school doesn’t mean you can be after he is in high school. I talked to a few kids from HADES. They compalin that their advisor keeps talking to them about time management and study skills. They said they were doing fine and didn’t see the point of it while I think they could benifit from some time management lessons. Such are our teenagers. Some life lessons are meant to be learnt the hard way. The price? Stress. The kids in top BS are a talented pool coming in with different levels of maturity and motivation. To be fair, it’s a challenge for the school to maintain high standards and still have the kids to still like the school. They are there for four years, 24/7, 9 months a year. The school only goes to fix the “broken” and leaves those that don’t ask for help alone, out of insufficient staffing AND out of their belief in students pursuing their own interests and finding their ways as long as minimum reqirements are met.</p>
<p>ThacherParent - you have burst our bubble of the perceived “Thacher Utopia” that we got when walking the Ojai campus! I don’t feel so bad now.</p>
<p>So, the only reason my parents are a little skeptical to let me go to boarding school because my parents think I might crash from the stress at boarding school and have to come home and ruin one year of high school. Anyone have any thoughts on this?</p>
<p>stud–I dont know your personal history, but many parents worry that their teenager might crash due to stress no matter where or what type of school they attend. The idea that ruining a year of high school if my d didnt stay never crossed my mind. If bs somehow didnt work for my d or if after a year she decided she didnt want to return, I will feel it was an experience. All experiences make and shape us into the adults we become. In our family it is no “shame” if things dont work out. We reflect on what we learned and move forward.</p>
<p>Have your parents said that line to you? or are you thinking what they "might be thinking? Ask them. Are you only interested in the “tier one” schools? How do you do with time management now? Are you stressed in your current situation?</p>
<p>These are some of the question that you should reflect upon while considering bs. </p>
<p>IMHO</p>
<p>Well, I don’t really know what my time management skills are like because I have never had to use them in a remotely stressful situation. My parents think that I might crash at boarding school because boarding is a lot harder than normal school. The also think that I won’t have support there from a parent like person is I do start to slip. Yes, I am only interested in the top tier schools. If I go to boarding school, I want to make sure the school is the best out there because in my opinion there is no point in going to boarding school is I don’t go to the top tier schools. My parents told me they are afraid I might crash. It’s not an assumption. Are there any bs students out there that can give me a first hand experience?</p>
<p>Stud-just what are you looking for in bs? Education, friendships, path-way to the ivy’s?</p>
<p>If you look at some pervious posts, I have talked about why I want to do to bs in detail. It is basically because I want enjoy school again and the school I am at is not giving that to me so I’m looking for other options.</p>
<p>Thanks, Peri, for the advice on migraines. I do think my son’s problems are stress-related though, but I will try some of your tips! He has a bit more on his plate than your average kid. He has had to go through three major injuries with surgery since starting high school, most recently last week, all related to his sport. It has hurt his GPA and his chances at competing DI. It is part of life, but a very difficult part, and hard to deal with at times.</p>
<p>@OP: Why do your parents think you’d crash in BS? Most BS students don’t crash. You know that right? Any particular reasons why they think so? Are you particularly susceptible to pressure? Or do they expect you to be the top of the top in the top tier BS? As said ealier, expect more pressure or a “harder” life in BS, but “crash”? Why?</p>
<p>And, they are right - there won’t be on site “parenting” in BS, so you need to be or learn to independent and disciplined.</p>
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<p>Well said DAndrews!</p>
<p>My daughter was used to being a straight A student and top of her class while carrying a number of EC’s. So she stressed out her first month on academics trying to maintain her status quo. But I gave her advice very similar to the above. I told her I was proud of her no matter what and to “enjoy” the ride and relax. Now, when she calls on the phone she’s happy - practically beaming - about the challenge, the EC’s and the experience. There are laughs and giggles even when a test didn’t go as planned.</p>
<p>It’s attitude that’s the key to thriving.</p>
<p>I’ve met a lot of other parents who have the same philosophy at the school - some BS grads, many not. And so I feel sorry for kids who put a lot of stress on themselves and don’t realize that the first semester (sometimes the first year) is always an adjustment period for everyone. But worse are the parents who have unrealistic expectations who heap on even more pressure.</p>
<p>Attitude and realistic expectations are key. That’s why MIT has pass/fail the first semester. To help students used to being the best - realize that not everyone can be on top once they arrive - and that it really doesn’t matter. What matters is what you get from the experience and how you grow from it.</p>