Hi I’m a new freshman in college and I’m into my first month here. I really enjoy my college and so much about it. My main problem is, I’m stuck between wanting friends because I feel lonely and don’t have non-school related plans, and not wanting to make friends bc I feel like the kids around me aren’t my type and aren’t looking for friends. I am very selective of who I call my friends, and I naturally don’t have the feeling of needing to be seen with people in public. But at the same time I get bored and have no one to hangout with. But when I go and see the people around me in my dorms, classes, and clubs, I realize why I’d rather not spend my time with people unless I actually like them.
I consider myself an Adequate social person who can carry on a conversation. I am athletic and fit in physically with a lot of people around me.
Most people already have established cliques or just hang with people in the halls/roommates. I don’t as I don’t enjoy either of my roommates and I missed out on the whole “open door first week” phase of college.
But when it comes down to it, I also don’t enjoy being with just anyone. I heavily consider who I put my trust into and I don’t think many guys my age are like me.
I just want to know if anyone can relate or thinks in a similar way to me
I am a sophomore now and don’t have any “friends.” I went through some stuff in my childhood that made it difficult for me to relate to kids my age and I don’t have much interest in the kind of “friends” most people seem to have. For example I had dinner with an eager freshman the other day who was telling me how happy she was to have already made so many friends, but in my mind, friends aren’t made in a week or a month. When I speak with older adults about what I consider a friend, most tell me they’ve only had a few of those in their whole life.
Last year I tried to make “friends” and it made me miserable and self conscious. This year I decided to stop trying to make friends and just be myself no matter what anyone thinks of me. I’m only a week in, so we’ll see how that goes.
Hope that helps.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with being selective in who you want to spend time with. As an adult, I think it takes a lot of maturity to know who is worth investing time into. I would just suggest that you get out and do things that you really like to do and don’t isolate yourself too much. Lordvoldosnort, I read this to my daughter and she laughed because she is a lot like you. It sounds like you just need some time to get to know people better…for people like you, real friendships will develop, they just take longer.
With people in interest-based clubs you have at least something in common. You don’t have to hang out with them, but the more people you meet, the higher a chance that you find somebody you like. So I’d try to find more opportunities to meet people with similar interests.
You will need to get out there to find your peeps so at times, even though you prefer isolation, you may have to spend some time "circulating ". Try to find the things that connect you to others rather than the ways in which you differ. Few people will be perfect companions all the time, but cultivating an ability to recognize what is good in others and to appreciate that is important. There is nothing wrong with being selective about your friends, but you need not avoid everyone else!
At the same time, DO make sure you have some alone time in your schedule. There are people who are energized by being around others and there are people ho find being around others deleting, and you sound like the latter. Having time to recharge is important so don’t feel bad about giving yourself that.
My personal issue with this is that I have joined clubs and stuff, but those people who are in these clubs already have a friend group established since the first week.
There’s also a sense that people my age are uncomfortable being alone whereas I don’t have this at all. What gets me is that people may see me eating alone at meals and they judge me, and think of me as a loner like it’s a bad thing. I feel as though kids my age don’t enjoy what they actually enjoy and just go along with the group. This is what I hate about my generation, as their public image is what defines them and what they live by.
Pe
@Lordvoldosnort no one cares about you eating alone. This is not high school. Most people eat alone at least once in a while, and no one will notice how often you are eating alone. Welcome to adulthood.
@soontobecolleger well I am a freshman and everyone is very high school mentality in that way. I don’t mind eating by myself, but others around me do.
@Lordvoldosnort I’m not referring to eating on your own. I’m referring to the perceived judgment of you eating on your own. I find it very hard to believe that anyone notices or cares.
I can imagine fellow students commenting if someone always eats alone. I assume the OP doesn’t mind eating along but sometimes does eat with acquaintances. I agree with post #4 - sometimes you need to be interacting with others - you could call it networking. Not everyone in your network needs to be your good buddy. It is a myth that all college friendships have been formed the first week.
You don’t have to confess your adoration for these people but you should be able to include them in your network, which might involve going to meals, a movie, or to study at the library with them. I’m sensing sort of an all or nothing approach to your human interactions. Something in between might work better for you.
Different people for different needs. Even my bff (and we’re talking decades) isn’t always satisfying. I’ve got a group I meet sometimes just because they’re warm and accepting, not because we’re matched in interests or outlook, accomplishments, etc. I can like them, even love them, just for what they are. Another group, I often don’t join, preferring my own company. It’s all ok.
Friendships are not just what we want, how we view others or rate them. Or think they like us. Part is how we accept them, flaws and all. That’s life. When you master liking others, just for who they are or where you do overlap, it’s funny how relationships can be more satisfying. Think about it. A lot of us probably had our moms tell us, it’s not just about you, not always about you.
@CheddarcheeseMN my roommates are not anything close to my friends at all. They don’t invite me anywhere, as we all go about our ways separately. One is from Vietnam and hangs with other foreign students. The other has a friend from high school and spends all his time with him at his dorm. We don’t do anything together and when I’ve brought it up, it may be a yeah in the moment but nothing ever comes of it. Yet, they are the reason I don’t talk to anyone on my floor as our door was always closed and me going out on my own may seem awkward as most people went out with their roommates.
My approach may seem all or nothing, but it really isn’t. I don’t mind having people to talk to who I am not close to, but have no one interested in this or doing these other things. The kids around me will stick to their squad at meals and activities.
@lookingforward I appreciate this post and you thoughts make sense. It’s just in my life when I put effort and show care or interest in the slightest, it is not returned at all. And I don’t really have different groups for different situations at college as I don’t have any groups at all.
Takes time…and being comfortable with yourself. A closed door is no reason to stay in your room. You do need to work on reaching out to others. Or they won’t know you’re interested.
One example is going where a group is watching tv sports. It doesn’t matter if you aren’t interested in sports. After showing up enough times, others see you as part of that group. Or you pursue your own interests. Maybe those people aren’t best buds but you’re engaged. You may eventually click. Many of us have friends we didn’t even like so much on the first interactions.
Same with others doing things with their roommates. Lots of room pairings don’t work out and kids go find others. Shrug your shoulders, smile, and say your roommates are AWOL, can you join them.
But you need to try, keep trying.
I think I can relate. Sometimes I feel a little lonely and want friends, but at the same time, I also often enjoy being alone and feel very relaxed when I’m alone.
Also, like you, I am pretty selective when it comes to friends. It’s kind of weird because you would think that someone who doesn’t have any friends would be desperate for friends, but I’ve actually found that chatting and hanging out with people that I do not really enjoy being around and/or don’t really have a connection with doesn’t make me feel any less lonely and sometimes, depending on the person and situation, even makes me feel annoyed to the point where I would rather be left alone.
I find it kind of interesting that you are concerned with people judging you for eating alone and doing things alone in college because I actually felt the opposite. In high school, I was a loner, and whenever I sat alone at lunch, I felt a bit self-conscious because I felt like people were judging me for not being part of a clique. But in college, it seemed that though there were some people eating in groups, there were also a lot of people eating alone because people just have different schedules and it’s not like high school where you’re forced to eat lunch in a room with the same people every day. It seemed to me that in high school people were organized into cliques but in college people kind of were more independent and did their own thing, which is one of the things I really liked about college because I could eat meals alone and do things alone without feeling judged.
You can be social, be friends, and have friends without giving 100% total trust. In fact, after only a month everyone is still evaluating something as sacred as trust. I think you are over thinking things and making it harder than it needs to be. Be kind, be friendly, be nice, be social, etc. I tell my own children, nobody is suggesting you marry anyone, just be a good friend to others. Whatever the event may be (coffee, a football game, a meal, a hang out session), it doesn’t have to last forever so if you’d don’t love everything about whomever it is, you’re onto the next thing in no time. I think you need to be more flexible.
@CompEngGirl123 yes I completely agree with your first two paragraphs and feel the same way. Maybe because I was more popular in high school and never was in a situation to be alone. And yet, at college I think everyone (freshmen) are still in high school mode when it comes to this stuff. But I still have these times when I don’t find enjoyment going out. I would even skip out on parties and hanging with my friends this summer before college, and it left me unbothered. Maybe it’s just now not having the feeling of being wanted by anyone.
You need associates, in college and in life. Work on being a good person and doing good things. There is nothing wrong with spending time alone but you will eventually need contacts and connections. College is a fine time to learn to interact with others on some scale, even if it just chit-chat.