<p>calmom, I know you are not asking for advice here but does your daughter realize that the majority of students do have their parents help move them in? There is just so much darn stuff and then there is usually a parents orientation. It's not like we're following them around sniffling into our tissues (that come at the end) we're carrying stuff around, setting up computers and running them to the store for the forgotten items. At least that's what I envision. We were not able to attend our daughters orientation and move in and I still feel that I missed something. Just my unsolicited opinion.</p>
<p>Kathiep, I appreciate your sentiment, but you need to keep in mind that my daughter is a well-traveled kid.... and I did the move-in thing with my son 5 years ago. We know what we're doing, and what I'll miss... and won't miss. (Quote from my d: "didn't you and S. just fight all the time?" me: "well, it wasn't quite that bad, but we did bicker a lot.") </p>
<p>The truth is, I think that the less "stuff" she brings the better. There is a difference between a kid going to a remote location, and one going to an urban campus. My flying out to "help" just is going to make something simple into something far more complicated & add on a lot of $$$ to the overall cost. </p>
<p>I did enjoy going to the orientation at my son's college -so I understand why you may feel regretful about missing that -- but with my #2 child going off to college, I simply don't need as much hand holding.</p>
<p>BlahdeBlah, my parents put restrictions on how far I could go away to college, too, and even though it was a VERY long time ago, I remembered my resentment well enough (although I found a school that I loved within the prescribed mileage radius) to tell S that he would benefit from my parents mistake. We told him he could go anywhere he wanted to go, so of course, he is 3,000 miles away.</p>
<p>Yes, it's more difficult to move him in and move him out, although my guess is that getting a S set up is easier than a D. He seems to have no material needs whatsoever. Maybe he just uses all his roommates' stuff? I dunno. </p>
<p>Visiting has been a challenge. As a recruited athlete, he was not free to come home for fall break and had only a limited time at home over Christmas. We are extremely forunate to have flexible schedules that allow us to visit him when we wish; we were there twice in the fall; H visited twice during his competition season, his younger brother went out over Spring Break and I'm heading off this weekend for one last visit before the school year ends. So it can be done but it's not easy or inexpensive. </p>
<p>I would rather have him closer to home, but I would also rather have him where he wants to be instead of beholden to my wishes. It's his education, not mine.</p>
<p>
[quote]
I would rather have him closer to home, but I would also rather have him where he wants to be instead of beholden to my wishes. It's his education, not mine.
[/quote]
Well said.</p>
<p>Mother of 2 daughters, both 3000 miles away. I can tell you the first one is the hardest. When you do it the second time, you know all the mistakes to avoid. Such as, if it is not too remote an area, then wait and buy most of what you need there. It is a whole lot cheaper and easier. Both our girls store everything at school for the summer with the exception of t.v.'s which they leave with friends.</p>
<p>We book our airfares as soon as academic calendars are posted and look for the cheapest flights possble. For Thanksgiving we go there as we have the luxury of flying in the Sat. before the holiday thus we are able to get better rates and we have friends in the area to share the holiday with.</p>
<p>Also, daughters negotiated with roommates who lived closer to bring the very large items.</p>
<p>We have been very pleased with the way things have worked out. The schools our daughters attend make storage very easy for kids a great distance away.</p>
<p>And it is true, "absence makes the heart grow fonder". They seem to be truly happy to see us and enjoy their time at home.</p>
<p>I think that many times -- financials aside -- when parents limit the location/distance it's because they are secretly afraid after 4 years of college, the child won't come home. Oh sure, there are schools in locations where one's kid is probably not going to settle (Oberlin comes to mind), but what if the school is in a really, really cool, but far away place -- like L.A. or New York? I know that's one of my big, secret fears. I'd never admit it to my kid, but the truth is, I'm worried she's going to fall in love with Chicago and stay there. (And we live in big, "cool" New York!)
I realize they can come home and then leave for Japan, Australia, or Antarctica. But somehow that feels more manageable than a child leaving home at 18 and never returning.</p>
<p>Kwibbles, my plan is that if my 2 kids both end up settling far away, I'm moving. Not on top of my kids, but a lot closer to at least one of them. Probably whichever one gets married & starts a family sooner. Or whichever one is living somewhere that I'd like to be. </p>
<p>And yes, I have a feeling that after my d. goes off to NY I'm never going to see her again. My son is different - it's clear now that he loves San Francisco and will always come back if he can ... so maybe I won't have to move either.</p>
<p>Kwibbles, I think you are right. But, I am actually hoping that my son doesn't want to come home after college. We are from Long Island and it is too expensive to live here. My husband and I are hoping to move off Long Island after the kids are gone. I did not discourage son from any of his potential colleges. He applied to schools in California, Florida, Carolinas, Indiana, Ohio and a few in the Northeast. He has finally decided on Clemson University in South Carolina and we are all thrilled! I say... let them go and experience a different state or part of the country. After college, responsibilities come up quick and it is harder to do things like that.</p>
<p>Here's a real life story for you:</p>
<p>Stepdaughters almost didn't go to college at all, a combination of grades, immaturity and their mother's ambivalence about having them leave town. H convinced them to go to school, but they didn't go TOO far away; they chose their parents' alma mater, which was sort of a no-miss.</p>
<p>Fast forward several years. BOTH of them ended up feeling the need to stretch their wings AFTER college. They moved 3,000 miles away to seek their fortunes on what everyone thought was more or less a lark. Clocks were ticking and both met and married men whose careers and family base were THERE and the likelihood of them moving back is basically dependent on the (un)likelihood of their husbands' ability to retire by age 35 or 40. </p>
<p>If plotting to keep my children geographically close was my top priority,(which it isn't for reasons already stated) I think I would send them far away for college in hopes that the lifestyle, weather, whatever would wear off and they would want to come home afterwards. </p>
<p>Our whole job as parents is to sacrifice for our children and one of the sacrifices is remembering that we belong to them forever but they don't belong to us forever. If they want to stay close to us, I want them to choose to do so themselves. I wouldn't want them close by if it was only because I prevented them from having another option. If they decide to come home, I want it to be because THEY miss ME, not the other way around.</p>
<p>I'm keeping my fingers crossed, but definitely not holding my breath. If all else fails, I like Calmom's plan!</p>
<p>We welcomed son choosing whatever area of the country he felt he'd like to try. We did visit DC & NYC & upstate NY & Denver, just so he knew them as actual places (granted it was during the summer, but at least it was more than just names he read & glamorized). He applied to three schools on the East Coast, one in Texas, one in Arizona and three in CA. Ultimately, I think he was relieved to choose a school in LA, since the climate won't be as much of an adjustment as some of his other schools.
A friend's husband made the observation that the kids who return home most are those who go furthest away from home because the culture is SO different, while many of those who go to schools which are closer (west coast or NW for HI residents) are more likely to settle there, at least for a while.</p>
<p>My husband and I wandered around for almost 20 years (4 years one state, two years another, etc.) before we settled here. My parents were planning to retire about the same time we made our last move but they didn't know if we would really stay so ended up moving back to where they grew up - and had not lived their whole adult lives. With the way our family has moved, I'm not counting on anything but for the first time in a few years our daughter will be home for the summer and I'm hoping to make Pennsylvania as attractive as possible! Hey, God, can you give us low humidity and rain just at night for the summer?</p>
<p>"Our whole job as parents is to sacrifice for our children and
one of the sacrifices is remembering that we belong to
them forever but they don't belong to us forever. If they
want to stay close to us, I want them to choose to do so
themselves." </p>
<p>OK, since Dizzymoms comment made me cry, does that mean I'm going to be a basketcase as we get closer to graduation and d's departure for another part of the country? I think so. </p>
<p>My brother, who restricted his ds college choices to their home state (where state u is terriffic) thinks we're nuts to allow d to pass up bargain quality private an hour away for a new region and experience 8 hours drive from home. Yeah, the flights aren't convenient, it requires hotel stays for us to visit, everything's more expensive, and eventually she'll not come home as much, but then, isn't this a life of independence we're preparing her for? Plus, she has long sought an adventure, and the area offers a closer match to her interests and her likely career aspirations. So, while I am torn, and weep at every last concert, photo with her classmates and HS game we watch to think my first born will be leaving, I am proud of her courage and curiosity about others and the world. I hope she is embraced at someone else's thanksgiving table sometimes. Just not the first year.</p>
<p>I live in the same place as My2Angels (LI,NY) and am sending a kid to Sc as well except to USC (coincidence...uh oh,rivalry!).
I have an older one now in grad school who went to Arizona and now is in St Louis.From what I've seen,its almost impossible for our local kids to survive here on starting salaries once they graduate.The ones who have returned after college are living in their parents houses,or else are fortunate enough to have parents wealthy enough to set them up with Manhattan coops/condos.There doesnt seem to be any in-between.One friends S cme home,lived for awhile in parents home, and by Christmas returned to the midwest where he attended college.He got a decent job and is able to live well.
My St Louis D is able to afford living alone in a decent one bedroom apt,buy groceries,pay her bills and run her car on a grad students fellowship income.She could never do that here.Its unfortunate but I think NY'ers dont expect their post college kids to live near them unless they can help foot the kids bills.</p>
<p>Well, D did decide to attend Emory and is remarkably clear and excited about that decision. H and I are excited as well. I am thrilled that one of the benefits of attending Emory will be to learn a new part of the country. I really did want her to spread her wings and get out of her geographic comfort zone, although I was mum until the decision was made. Thanks for all the tales of survival and especially tips on cheap airfare.</p>
<p>movinmom, congrats!</p>
<p>My D is far away this year and it has been a fantastic experience for her. This kid had originally wanted to go close to home and we-- the evil parents-- said, "not within 300 miles." We did this because she is the kind of kid who is a little bit knee-jerk nervous about new situations... she often needs a kick, but then she does beautifully every time. We sensed that for her to hunker down in the familiar was not the best 'growth' choice. We wanted her to get more comfortable with jumping in to the new and we wanted to evince our complete confidence that she was ready for a bigger challenge.</p>
<p>She has been deliriously happy at her school-- an excellent fit-- and has never looked back. I posted in another thread about the very sweet email she sent within the first month or so: 'NOW I realize why you guys pushed me-- and thank you!'</p>
<p>The distance has not been awful. We went wild on trips this year, like Dizzymom: one visit from her Brother, plus DD came home for Thanksgiving, Xmas & Spring breaks. It meant we saw her about every 8 weeks, which is not too bad. If she wants to come home this often, we're happy to support it. :) </p>
<p>The growth she has experienced has been incredible. She is blossoming and we are elated. Going far from home may not be right for every kid, but trust your parental instincts. For example, my son is 10x more independent than his sister was at his age; I doubt I will feel the need to urge him to go far from home. OTOH, he'll probably want to leave the country. ;)</p>
<p>With email, IM, cell phones, and iSight cameras we feel as close or closer to our S who is 2000 miles away than we did when he was studying upstairs. We really enjoy his intellectual and social discoveries and the conversations we have about them. Also, there are discount (nonstop ) airlines going between cities. It cost as little as $160 roundtrip to visit, which we have done. Being faraway has not at all meant drifting further apart.</p>
<p>My child is 2500 miles and there are good and bad things. The two biggest concerns are financial and not being able to share in things I know she would like to have us share. Tough to get out of our town to almost anywhere by plane and tough and difficult to get to her town so that makes it expensive (no frills carriers like southwest and jet blue don't go here) and time consuming. Her boyfriend's family knows her well and she has become part of their family which is good cause this gives her a refuge that feels like home. We have only briefly met her boyfriend early in their relationship and he is such a big part of her life now that saddens me. She knows the families of most of her friends because the parents have been good about taking her for dinner when they visit, having her to their house on breaks, etc but we have met few of her friends so they are just names and occassional anecdotes to us. And no matter how grownup or independent a child becomes, it is still important to most parents to be able to share the events in a child's life. Games they play in, plays and concerts, the excitement of getting a big research grant, etc. And she would love for us to attend a basketball game so we could understand what the heck she sees in this. But I also miss the little things like knowing what her dorm room looks like, shaking a professors hand that she has been close to, and actually tasting the fried cheesecake that she raves about. </p>
<p>She has dealt with medical issues that an 18 year old wasn't prepared to handle on their own and it saddens me I couldn't scoop her up and bring her home for a weekend. Did she survive - yes. But how many adults who have weathered a medical crisis by themselves think when it's over "it makes me feel great to know I can do this on my own". No, most of us think that was really a bad time and I hope I never have to go through that again. So neither she or I get real comfort from the fact that now we know she can handle stressful medical situations. And I agree that at anytime in her life she could be far from home having her own experiences that I am unable to share in but I won't be paying for it and I don't know it will be any easier then. I live 7 hours from my Mom and over the course of my life, there have been plenty of times where I wish I could have had my Mommie hug me and tell me it was gonna be alright, come cook me some comfort food, or share in a particularly memorable event.</p>
<p>Is this where my daughter belongs at this time in her life? Yes. Did I ever think about limiting her geographically? No. Did we both know this would be harder than being a few hours drive from home? Yes. Was there schools closer to home or cheaper to get to where she could have been happy and successful? Yes. Will she ever come back home for more than a month here and there? I highly doubt it. But this is where we are and this is what she wants so we do what we can finacially and schedule wise to make it work. </p>
<p>I think when decision time comes, if a school is far away it is fair to look at how easy or cheap the commute will be. Schools in Atlanta will have far more options than getting to say, Duluth. Sign up on places like Travelocity for Fare Alerts that will send you an email when plane fairs between two cities drop. Sometimes these last less than 24 hours. If airfares are within a few dollars of each other, stay with the same airline to build those frequent flier miles. Book early for flights home. I have found that airfares tend to drop sometime in mid/late August. This is really early for booking say, Thanksgiving but my daughter has just had to look at her schedule this far in advance and cope if she is coming home on Thanksgiving. And from the beginning I have told her no last minute plans for holidays such as Spring Break. I start watching plane fares at the beginning of the semester and if she thinks she wants to come home, I need to know then. </p>
<p>And this semester we added an inexpensive video camera to her arsenal of ways to communicate with home. I'm expecting her to arrive home with at least an hours worth of video showing pictures of the kids she teaches dance to, the trees in bloom from spring, her boyfriend and friends being goofy, the dishes piled up around her dorm room, and any other little defining moments she wants to share. Now if we can just figure out a way to keep that cheesecake crispy and hot on the plane ride we'll be good.</p>
<p>Congratulations to both you and your D, MoveInMom...may you both enjoy the adventure.</p>
<p>movinmom,</p>
<p>We live in the NE and my D goes to school in the midwest (OH). I also have two good friends in town with kids in Emory. What is hardest is holidays, when all the other 'local' college kids are coming home, and your S or D can't. It's rough. You have to factor in the xtra cost of airfare into the college tuition. We also made 2 additional (unexpected) trips out this year to help my D transition during a rough patch. Now that year 1 is almost over, everyone is doing fine. Good luck!</p>
<p>Movinmom-- I totally relate to your statement "I am thrilled that one of the benefits of attending Emory will be to learn a new part of the country."</p>
<p>We live in Honolulu, and we told both our Ds (who grew up here) that going to college in-state was not an option. Luckily they both wanted to go to the Mainland for college, so no argument. D#1, now a sophomore at UPS, would only consider LACs in Washington and Oregon. Since we have relatives in the Pacific NW, it has worked out well. </p>
<p>D#2, now a hs senior, was willing to look across the country. She applied to 2 schools in WA state, but also 3 in the midwest. The reason she didn't apply to East Coast LACs was mainly because the ones she was interested in were relatively expensive and gave no merit aid. With 2 kids in college overlapping for 2 years, even with 2 incomes we could not afford the price difference. (And we expect both to help pay for their educations, with scholarships, jobs, and loans if necessary.)</p>
<p>D#2 chose Beloit. We are excited that she will get to know the Midwest, and that we will have the chance to spend time in Chicago, Madison, etc. when we visit her. An added benefit, which was just coincidental, is that a college friend of ours lives near Beloit and our D can spend time with his family on Thanksgiving, etc. Also, except for the long winter holiday break, the Beloit dorms stay open over holidays. I also hear that local-area students readily host the students from far away, including international students. So that makes it easier to send her 5000 miles away. </p>
<p>The parents who are in the most difficult situation are the ones in other countries--not only are their children 1000s of miles away, they are in a different country, living in a different culture. And for many of them, travel home is prohibitively expensive. So I think we are relatively lucky.</p>
<p>Since D#2's departure will leave us with an empty nest, I think it will be harder than it was seeing the first D leave home. But I am thrilled for her. She is so excited to be going to Beloit. And e-mail, free cell-phone long distance, and instant messaging, while not as good as an in-person hug, go a long way toward easing the pain of separation.</p>
<p>Not sure either D will move back here after college, but I want them to go where their hearts lead them. The irony is that even though my H and I are both Pacific NW natives, we ended up in Philadelphia for his Ph.D., and then Hawaii for his teaching job. Certainly not what either of us would have predicted when we went to college in-state. </p>
<p>Best of luck to you and your Emory-bound D.</p>