Students going to college far from home

Parents Forum
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<p>Cosmopolitan, if it makes you feel any better, I feel like crying about it too. It seems so unfair that these kids of ours are focused forwards on their own lives and not backwards toward us. However, I suspect that it was designed that way to keep humankind in business. It's that old "roots and wings" story, you know?</p>

<p>I WAS a basketcase when S left in September. The sight of him leaning up against his dorm as H and I walked away (me sobbing) is etched in my memory. I didn't cry after that day -- except for when I see S or he leaves after a visit -- I'm surprised he still lets me come to the airport because I continue to embarrass him. </p>

<p>It's the days, weeks and months in between when I don't cry, and I don't think about him every moment but somehow am aware that I am not as happy as I am when he is here and that my H and my younger S are not as happy as they are when he is here. There's an emptiness that is hard to describe and which makes little sense, since older S is a taciturn young man. </p>

<p>I think it's just that for a mother, particularly, a time comes when she must confront the reality that her natural desire to keep her family close must experience a geographical conversion, with close meaning "somewhere on this planet. (God help the parents of astronauts...)</p>

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<p>
[quote]
The parents who are in the most difficult situation are the ones in other countries--not only are their children 1000s of miles away, they are in a different country, living in a different culture. And for many of them, travel home is prohibitively expensive. So I think we are relatively lucky.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>amen to that! I'm moving i-don't-even-know-how-many miles away (from Asia to the U.S.) in the fall. I have no family in the States and it's OK, because I have many friends there who are like family to me, but of course it's not the same. I'm the first of all my cousins/siblings to go to college so far (they're all younger) so my family's probably pretty nervous. It'll take 15 hours to fly home, if I can find a nonstop flight.</p>

<p>I'm not saying it's any easier for those who aren't moving internationally, but maybe thinking about those who are moving to different countries can help put one's situation in perspective. :)</p>

<p>Traveling/moving to a whole new place is great fun. I hope everyone here (or their daughters/sons) have the time of their lives exploring a new state or province or country. I definitely will. I'm STOKED.</p>

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<p>Dizzymom:
I too, can anticipate the gaping hole in our family that will be left when my firstborn leaves in the fall, and expect to be as much an embarrassment to her as you are to your son:). On the other hand, I fully embrace the notion of roots and wings and celebrate her ability to "fly" now. I'm also aware that in the natural evolution of the family, d#2 will now have her turn in the spotlight--it hasn't been easy as the second of 3 girls. At least, she'll be the one I'm pestering from here on in, with some of the guidance I've gained from CC. As for the baby, she'll be looking international by the time we're done!</p>

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<p>Cosmopolitan, I can totally relate. As the mother of a college soph and freshman, I can tell you that one leaving the nest is a gift to the other siblings. When my older d left for college, I had the best one on one time with my younger d. Since they were only 1 year apart in school it flew by as you would expect. We became so close. In fact I was little fearful of whether or not she would want to leave as she loved being the only child for a short time. However, she did depart and went as far away as her sister but I would no trade that year for anything. Good luck to you all as this adjustment is not easy, but of course vital.</p>

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<p><a href="God%20help%20the%20parents%20of%20astronauts...">quote</a>

[/quote]
Nicely put.</p>

<p>I too have a child 3000 miles away. I went 3000 miles away myself in college. First of all, we talk all the time via IM. It's really fun. Second of all, I let her choose between the backyard and the 3000 miles options but hoped in many ways she would choose the far away option.</p>

<p>I believe that human beings grow and develop based on experience, the broader the experience the broader the potential human. The more data the better. And data is so specific, so particular. Knowing what a late spring night feels like in New Jersey, the humidity trapping the day's warmth and the smell of cut grass lasting into the evening - vs. what that same night feels like in Northern California, chill setting in and everyone decamping from their decks into the warm living room - well, to me that is as much of an education as what you learn in multivariate calculus.</p>

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<p>Hi, I'm from Houston and originally was going to go to Texas A&M in College Station, then I got accepted into Johns Hopkins in Baltimore, and was like "wow, i want to go to JHU." Well I got offered a great finaid package, but am worried about the distance. It's about a three-hour plane ride from Houston to Baltimore and I have a little family in Maryland,DC, and Virginia, but I am still hesitant to be so far away from my mom. She wants me to go, but we're so close, and I just don't know how I would manage.</p>

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<p>Your mom sounds very supportive of your next adventure!</p>

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<p>We live in Alaska-D2 will be going to Rochester in Aug. Distance was never factor in her decision. We are thrilled she has chosen a completely new part of the country. I just look at the map differently these days. This is the time when I play travel agent, trying to find outbound flights for the three of us and plan her return in Dec. I am still in shock finding the cheapest return requiring 2 stops, 16+hrs of travel and $850+. D1 is/was in Bos, she'll be abroad next year with a 9 hr time zone difference. I fed-ex everything from cold meds + Mom's chicken soup( college dorms are bug incubators- kids have no idea how difficult it is for a Mom to know her baby - trust me I know you are 18 but at that moment -to me- you will be 5! is sick and not be there to take care of them- I have been dangerously close to jumping on a plane) to batches of cookies to send their mail,we e-mail, we IM, D1 has been great about sending digital pics, she calls often-she has set the example for her sister. I have had a great 2 years alone with D2 since her sister has been gone. We have bonded in a very special way. That new strength is going to help me get through the next few months. She'll be great! She' ready, she's earned this adventure. Eventually ,I'll be okay.</p>

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<p>We are from NYC and D is going to U of Miami. D spends a lot of time in Manhattan and I call her a "NYC snob" because she thinks the world starts and ends with NYC..and she has been to many other places. I wanted her to go away, just so she could meet people from other places and experiece something outside NYC on a regular basis. Her one requirement was that the school be in a city..no middle of nowhere schools. She is my only child, we are extremely close, and as the date gets closer I am starting to wonder what life will be like around here with her gone. I'm sure there will be tons of tears when we leave her, but some of those tears will be of happiness. Happiness knowing that as parents we did our jobs in raising her to be responsible enough to go off on her own and be successful doing it!</p>

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<p>My nephew at Kenyon has mono right now, and my sister in Oakland, CA would sure like him to be closer to home right now!</p>

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<p>msashe: Every kid has a different comfort level with distance from home. If you know in your heart you need to be closer, that's really OK. But, if the idea of learning about a new part of the country intrigues you, and you think you'd like the adventure, then go for it. This thread if filled with great ideas for how to stay connected, a few cautions for the few times when the distance can be a problem, and lots of encouraging words about the personal growth and learning that can come from spreading your wings. While a few of the parents here have lamented the expense, the inconvenience, and the inability to tend a sick college aged kid, most appreciate the wonderful opportunity for their kids that it is. Remember, if you were at a school a 5 hour drive from home, it would still take half a day to get there. Good luck to you.</p>

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<p>When my son received 3 acceptances earlier this month I was thrilled. I was still very excited thru all the 3 college visits. When we put the deposit down earlier this week on a school 1,000 miles away, I became depressed. I know I'll get over it, but right now I am sad and worried. I know it will be good to have more time to pay attention to the 4 children still at home. Son #1 was an academic superstar and involved in drama and musicals and I know it will be nice to let the spotlight shine on the other kids more. It will be especially nice for ds #2 who follows 3 years behind his older brother. He's my first going off and right now I could just cry.</p>

<p>momoffive</p>

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<p>kwibbles - my S1 went to UChicago. My H is a UChicago grad and my father is a graduate of the Divinity school. We live in CT and he took flights out of Laguardia most of the time going to Midway Airport which is closer to the University than O'Hare. He flew ATA airlines or he would fly from Hartford to Chicago on Southwest. </p>

<p>I lived many years of my life in Chicago and my folks still live in Hyde park so my S developped a very special relationship with my folks during his college years. My H and other kids would go to Chicago for Thanksgiving many years in a row and so my S1 would join us all at my folks home. We loved visiting and I loved living there and still miss aspects of it. We always attended the interfaith Thanksgiving service at Rockefellar Chapel on the UChicago campus - there is nothing like it anywhere, not even in NYC at Riverside or St. John's the Divine.</p>

<p>The main times they miss you and wish you were there is when they get sick. My S1 got mono in his freshman year and he would call me and feel so mournful. I wish I could have been there. Those are the hardest times. </p>

<p>I highly recommend that families look at schools where their S or D have relatives so he/she has some support. This couldn't have been a better situation for my S1.</p>

<p>My S1 has ended up back in the east after graduation, living in NYC and working in CT. It's great 'cause he will come around once every ten days and do his laundry at home and eat a home cooked meal. I love it!</p>

<p>My S2 ended up at NYU. We love going into the city occasionally and having dinner with him and watching his volleyball games. He has come home for the breaks but abbreviated since he had to return for practices during the volleyball season. He brought his roommates home one week-end in the fall so they could get a homecooked meal. </p>

<p>kwibbles - I can pm you and give you more info if you like.</p>

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<p>Mine is 3700 miles away across the Atlantic, and it's really ok. Of course, as I've posted in the "letting go" thread, I am flying over there frequently for the fun of attending his performances, but hey, you can't take it with you - United, Virgin, and British Air employees benefit from my travel hobby.</p>

<p>It's fortunate he is very happy at his college and about being in the UK. If he had difficulties adjusting, it would be rough to support him effectively from a distance. It also helps that he has two long breaks during the year, between terms 1 & 2 and 2 & 3. Even though he goes a week early and stays a week after term, it's still a maximum of ten weeks at a time before he's back home.</p>

<p>I'm pleased that he can live his day to day life without assistance from me, as I always picked up the slack to support him in his busy HS schedule, and it helps his organizational skills to manage his time among tutorials, lectures, study, essays, and constant rehearsals while still managing to pay his bills, get meals, and do his own laundry. When I visit, I pitch in to help him, because I understand the strain of keeping up that pace.</p>

<p>The best thing about his being far away is that it has accelerated his appreciation for everything that I did for him while he was here. The result is that our relationship is evolving rapidly towards the mentor/friend paradigm - I am receiving unsolicited expressions of appreciation and respect for the role I played before. Our phone conversations are very pleasant, and he even asks for advice about course choices, auditions, and other things - amazing!</p>

<p>Speaking of the "Mentor/Friend" relationship model, it has occured to me that it is this generation of parents who have forged that paradigm. When most of us were growing up, no matter how loving our family may have been, the authoritative model was prevalent and there was more of a gulf between the parent/child role (even had a name, the "generation gap"). Parents have to affect a managerial aspect in some circumstances until the offspring are self-supporting, but I think what we have collectively accomplished is really new - supported by technlogical advances, media, and the overall passionate involvement quotient of the boomer/near-boomer generation. I see the same relationship model, a few years further along, pertaining between me and my stepdaughter - we have truly become "friends" now, by which I mean in this context, equals who love and respect one another.</p>

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<p>I live in TX. My oldest goes to school in PA, the second took off for MN. They both enjoy being away, but they also both traveled some, particularly the summer between junior and senior year. The one in MN can get a direct flight, the PA kid needs a connecting, which can cause some issues in bad weather. For us, the air fare has not been bad because they only come home on long breaks. If you have a child that wants to come home more frequently, this could be an issue.</p>

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<p>I glanced at this question and only looked at your first response from A.S.A.P.
... which I couldn't have said better myself! </p>

<p>Additional thoughts: Expensive as hell! It depends a lot on the child. Being an athlete makes it much easier, because they have an established group of friends with a common interest immediately - not to mention they're too busy to be homesick!</p>

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<p>We live in NY and son has recently decided to go to attend Clemson U in SC. Husband and I have been very supportive of his decision to "go away". We want him to be independent and have the experience of a new part of the country.</p>

<p>My problem... now that we have lived through the whirlwind of helping him throught the process (researching colleges, taking him on visits, prodding him to do essays, keeping track of admissions deadlines, waiting for acceptance letters, filling out FAFSA & CSS forms, making sense of finacial aid offers, more visits & finally waiting to hear his decision) and have kind of figured out how to pay for all the impending bills, the reality of everything is starting to sink in.<br>
"What have we done, letting him go so far away?!!" I am thinking it is going to be especially hard, especially since all of his friends & classmates are going to colleges in the Northeast. I feel like I am going to be jealous of their parents that they can see their kids more often. </p>

<p>Am I being irrational? I feel like I am constantly on the verge of tears! Tell me it will get better!</p>

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<p>You will find, email, cell phones, IM, and airplanes to be wonderful things. We see our S about as often, or more so, than do parents of kids going to school a few hundred miles from home (ours is 2000 miles away).</p>

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<p>My2Angels:</p>

<p>You aren't irrational at all.</p>

<p>Even with cell phones, email and frequent plane trips, the reality (for us, anyway) is that a greater distance does impact things somewhat. Of course, we have adjusted to our D also being 2000-plus miles away, but it is what it is. On a brighter note--this first Freshman year really zipped by in a flash!! She'll be home for summer very soon.</p>

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<p>My2Angels, it will get better, but the visits are hard - you realize how much you miss them when you have them back for a few days. A couple of weeks, like Xmas, helps you remember why you wanted them launched in the first place ;).</p>