@momofsenior1 Thank you. Everyone, my mother, my therapist, etc tells me that I need to develop a thicker skin and forget about those who snub me but it’s so much easier said than done. I seriously sometimes feel like everyone around me hates me. Quite frankly I know this is immature but when I see judgemental, aggressive comments like those from @intparent who don’t know me and know how hard I’ve tried and how hurt and alone I am it makes me feel even worse than I already feel. I’m really sick of feeling unwelcome and inferior all the time.
Did you try to find a job on campus or off? That’s been suggested many times.
My daughter became a tutor through the student tutoring office and one girl was shy and really in need of some compassion. The second year her mother hired my daughter privately and they met several times per week just to go over the assignments. Of course daughter greeted her if she saw the girl on campus, but they were not friends. If you are fluent in Spanish, I bet there are kids on campus who could use your expertise. They will see you in a different light. They might be first years who don’t know what you’ve been through. If you could get a job working for a professor, you’ll meet more people in the department, maybe get involved in a project.
When you go back, there will be 500 new faces and 500 new chances for you to make a friend.
I get it, OP. But maybe the therapist can help with new skills that build a new you. It does take time. You said you’d been tested for a few things, but did that include depression? When one is tired of the fight, it often is helped by treating depression.
I’m not saying it’s that easy. Maybe you are just in a lousy situation. But you’ve got two more years to get through and some insight may help you evaluate and then be better ready for the first post grad years. Insight,with a therapist’s help, not just realizing the anger and frustration.
And I’m a parent who learned the hard way that, for our kids, it’s important to have the right therapist. Sometimes that means a change. My kiddo had to change when living at home and it made all the difference. Later, when she was in counseling at college, she herself wasn’t satisfied, made a change- and it was like night and day how the new one helped.
@twoinanddone I do actually have a job on campus working at the library but it’s pretty individualistic unfortunately. Luckily, it gives me something productive to do.
@lookingforward I’ve actually gone through several therapists already. One past therapist was extremely pessimistic about my studying abroad and discouraged it and also invalidated my past trauma and mistreatement at Bard. I’m just feeling completely hopeless right now to be honest since no matter how hard I try to change and moderate myself in order to appeal to certain people, I’m still all alone. I’m actually currently searching for a new therapist btw.
@paoluchsinger Unfortunately I don’t have any answers, but I do have a couple more thoughts. You’ve mentioned being “stabbed in the back” multiple times without providing any details. Are you simply being dramatic, or are there really a bunch of incidents that are worthy of that label? Also, if all your attempts at making acquaintances, much less friends, are being thwarted, what do you honestly think is the reason? Without being there to see your interactions, it’s difficult to simply accept that it’s everyone else all the time. Most people just aren’t cruel, and you must know that.
Finally, it seems like living in a single may not be a good idea. Surely the school could pair you with a roommate that’s reasonably likely to be compatible. Have you reached out to an administrator to explain your situation? Surely a dean of student affairs or counseling representative would want to know of your struggles and try to help.
I mean I get that the whole “devil’s advocate” attitude is insight, blaming every single encounter with a nasty, rude person or the cliquey, standoffish vibe of the student body entirely on me is unreasonable quite frankly.
OP - I get it that when you are at the most vulnerable, it’s very, very hard not to take things personally. Please please know that you are NOT inferior. You just haven’t found your people. Yet.
Sending hugs and prayers to you as you work through this.
Maybe you expect too much? Friendships can take time to develop.
@RandyErika By being “stabbed in the back” I’m referring to some fake friendships that proved unsuccessful. Typical, cliquey Mean Girls HS kind of situation where people will pretend to be your friends but stress you out, take you for granted, make fun of you behind your back. and are never helpful or supportive in my time of need. As I mentioned, my mom is an extrovert and has given me several suggestions that worked for her when she was my age but don’t work for me due to generational differences and personality differences. For example, she has suggested that I invite people I barely know to my home as an attempt to “get to know them better”. I personally felt uncomfortable doing but tried it anyways with no success. I would also say hello to people I know from the dorm or classes and just be ignored.
But blaming it all on the others is unreasonable, too. Sorry, but we’re parents here and in different ways, many of us have years of dealing with our own kids’ needs or potholes or disappointments.
What I am trying to say is that you may be going about this in a less effective way. That’s not judging you. I gave the example of how one looks another in the eye.
In fact, you sound worn out, scrambling, sometimes lashing out. That doesn’t make you mental, it’s one of the normal reactions. But we’re trying to help you navigate through that nasty forest, not just focus on the threats and issues in that forest.
xx
You do realize that those exhibiting “mean girl” traits are just coping poorly with their own insecurities. Those girls are simply hiding behind a transparent exterior. If they really had their act together, they wouldn’t need to put someone else down to feel better about themselves. But you can’t let a few bad apples taint the entire orchard.
OP, I’m quite introverted, and I struggled at a small LAC to find “my people”. I was quiet, and in hindsight, I think people thought I was “weird”. It wasn’t easy to break into established friend groups or find where I fit in.
There were adults in my life that told me college = the best years of your life! Uff. Not for me!
I was a lot happier when I got out of school and I was working. At work, I was a valued member of the team. I focused on contributing to work, and being a pleasant person to be around.
I took note of others at work who were often a pain in the butt, or off-putting. I took note of others at work who seemed easy to be around. Just paying attention helped me develop some better social skills, and I made some friends with coworkers. No BFFs, but people to chat with and people to do things with outside of work.
I even looked at myself in the mirror and to my great disappointment, I recognized I had a serious case of resting b-face. I practiced having a slight “half-smile” on my face, and I noticed it made a difference in how I felt, and how people responded to me.
You’ve gotten a lot of good advice on this thread. I’m glad to read you are currently working with a therapist. Try not to let despair seep in. You can build a great life for yourself.
I do think OP is exhausted, demoralized and distraught. In this situation I don’t think she CAN absorb constructive criticism at this time and moment. I think this is true whether it is the situation that is hostile, or her own behaviors inadvertently off-putting or some combination (more likely.)
But I really don’t think now is the time to add more concrete suggestions. I think OP should work with her therapist (or a new therapist) on this, and on her perception of herself/others with the therapist. I really think at this point OP just needs the cyber-equivalent of a good shoulder to cry on. This isn’t conceding that crying is the final answer to her problems… But RIGHT NOW I think it’s what she needs. Everyone deserves that sometimes, and when you’re lonely and young, well, you might seek it online. I think any suggestions (however well-meaning and constructive in another context or time) CAN’T be received by her at the moment without it feeling like she’s being invalidated. Then she exhausts herself further trying to explain.
Sometimes the kindest thing we can do for another person is just to acknowledge that life can be painful, messy and seemingly without easy answers to plug in. It can feel exhausting to trek the long, lonely road toward an improvement that seems so uncertain. Just figuratively “holding” someone’s hand for a moment can give hope and strength to get back to the long trek of self-understanding and making changes.
Whatever the problem or the solution, @paoluchsinger, I get how painful this is for you, and there are no easy answers that seem to work no matter how hard you try. You’re in a dark wood or a labyrinth right now and you can’t find your way out just yet. It’s OK to let go for a few moments, cry your heart out to get to a peaceful state before facing it again.
Sometimes things become clearer if you give yourself a break and suspend the work of trying to understand for a bit. You might be able to come back to it from a different angle later. School is still a few weeks away. Let it drop away from your mind for now.
Write or call or create a beautiful card (or make a tiny gift) for one or two of your old friends from the international school, take a lovely walk or run, let yourself be covered in dog kisses (if you have a dog) find a beautiful tree and lie under it and look (as you’ve never looked before) at the beauty of the leaves swaying in the breeze and look for the birds and squirrels and other life high in the branches…or find something else beautiful that comforts you.
Hugs…
@lookingforward I am worn out and my actions reflect that. I have had friends in the past which is why it’s so hard for me to understands why I’m struggling so much. I honestly feel like nobody likes me at that place and that no matter how hard I try nothing will make them accept me. I apologize and recognize that I need to grow a thicker skin. I’m also angry at myself for having tried basically all of the suggestions and still being a friendless loser. College so far has been much worse than high school for me, middle school. I haven’t found any sort of support system in college so I’m on my own.
@RandyErika I feel like it’s my fault too. That people recognize that I’m vulnerable and insecure and use it to take advantage of me. When I go to graduate school I’m for sure going somewhere in a big city, more diverse, where people will hopefully be nicer and more laidback.
I am glad you are honest about how bad liberal arts colleges can be, I have heard this a lot lately.
Are you from New Jersey or New York? I think Bard is
very “east coast”. That may be part of why Bard College is a terrible fit for you, if you are not from the east coast.
Liberal arts colleges are tight knit tribes. I am so glad I attended a bigger college and found male friends, and some likeminded females, but I went to a largely male engineering and science college.
But its likely not YOU, but you are in a college where you do not fit. You can survive and explore the area
on your own. Have you hiked in the Catskill Mountains yet? Try that, and find a group that will hike and just stay quiet, and don’t talk too much. Quiet people are often well liked, in fact. Smile and don’t worry at
all about other people. LOVE YOURSELF!
. I have heard this exact complaint from girls at Williams College, and Bryn Mawr College. Girls at small liberal arts schools are AWFUL, but I have to say thats how adult life is too, women just suck, they are really judgmental, which is why I tend to shy away from female groups, and find ways to go out with men. I join co ed groups in Denver to get away from my small town Colorado woman who judge other women nightmare! Yes, it will keep happening and yes women are so terribly nasty, but just learn to be alone more and like yourself,
and learn to find male friends. ( If you are male, I would be surprised, this is totally a female trait, to bully, judge and reject ! ).
What I have found with women in "small town Colorado " : If you have a political opinion, if you think on your feet, if you are at all different ( not into painting your nails, fashion, and whining, then really women
are going to reject you). Get used to it, find male friends and don’t worry!!! Most women bore me anyway, so I do not miss that nasty comparing vacations, comparing husband’s jobs and all the nonsense that goes along with being middle aged married with children in Colorado! I just tell myself, not to care. Its a learned behavior and I even find
I can put up with the nasty women for short doses, like a 40 minute golf thing and enjoy myself. When they start
to fuss and judge, I just come up with snappy things to say to shut them up. I don’t TRY to be friends with these
women, they are just there to golf with. I sort of use them, the way I feel they use me. After a while I find
that they pony up to me some. Its interesting to learn to deal with these judgmental B—ches.
How did I miss this "life skill " in high school??? I was too busy studying and enjoying myself to care,
and I had to learn the hard way after retirement how to deal with these women! (I worked my entire career with
men and had two sons, so never really dealt with women until I retired ! )
There are literally thousands of adult women in your shoes. While i know you cannot transfer now, Big state schools, are much better, for social life.
Also nerdy schools with men like GaTech are better too.
Liberal arts colleges are poor fits for many humans out there.
Liberal arts colleges are “artificial high school like environments”. that truly are painful for thousands of students.
While I am sorry you are suffering, it is only one more year.
I was so happy to read your post, finally someone honest out there about negative social life at LACs . THANKS!
@RandyErika well as I previously stated I had a HORRIBLE match with my freshman year roommate. We just did not click and were total opposites in everything. My mother even would buy her presents and offered to invite her to our house on Thanksgiving hoping that it would initiate a friendship between us and things still didn’t work out. My R.A. freshman year was not helpful at all and refused to let me get a room change hence me being obligated to go home every weekend just for my sanity. With a single my grades are MUCH better and I’m sleeping which is crucial for college students as I’m sure you all know. I tried reaching out to hall mates sophomore year but we didn’t click and everyone else already had other friends. @intparent felt the need to berate me on going home when actually it wasn’t my ideal choice.
@colorado_mom well I grew up near NYC but my whole family is from Latin America and Europe so I was raised much differently than the average Bardian. Also, Bard is known for being very cliquey and that if you don’t make friends with your freshman year roommate or people form your dorm you’re basically screwed. I wish I had known that as a junior in high school to be honest. I’ve heard plenty of Bard alumna complaining about the same issues so I know it’s not just “my fault” or me “being weird” or whatever. Thanks for your input and for reaching out. So accurate and relatable!!
One suggestion I made to my college age sons—do NOT expect to be best friends with a freshman roommate, and don’t worry if you never speak to them after the nine month experience.
If it happens that you stay in touch thats , fine but don’t force it.
My older son had NO relationship with his freshman roommate, who was a gamer. He found kids to play soccer
with and those became his friends. My younger son is in touch with his freshman roommate, but not living with him anymore.
I think it is a bad idea to try to be overly friendly with a college roommate. Find other people, and don’t worry about roommates. I was somewhat incompatible with , all my college roommates except one, and was eventually happier in a single room, where I could go to bed and get up and study as I liked.
THATS NORMAL, to not be compatible with a freshman roommate, if its a random roommate! I had an Air Force ROTC gal who had different values than me, a very intellectual druggy roommate, a really rich Connecticut field hockey player who was flunking out,
and one really nice girl who I still talk with, 35 years later !
Girls really need to get their heads on straight about college roommates, its a temporary nine month relationship that usually ends and you don’t ever have to talk to that girl ever again. I mean who wants to share a small space with ANOTHER WOMAN? Its just so silly to expect that random roommates will be compatible or have anything in common.
Its very sad that your mom reinforced the myth of the “best friend roommate”. You may have had
had an incorrect expectation, that you cannot let go of!
Please, let go of all your college roommates right now! They were never meant to be your friends! Its OK!
By the way, same goes for neighbors, when you grow up It could work out but usually, you will have NOTHING in common with neighbors. Don’t sweat it.
Find people you have something in common with. You do not have to be friends with the next door neighbor.
Be civil, or even ignoring them is fine. Just wave, and thats It! It works for me.
The “myth” of the neighborhood where all couples are best friends, going out and having fun parities is a myth.
Adults in neighborhoods often have different values, different ideas about raising children,send children to different schools, speak different languages, have different ideas about how to celebrate holidays and may hardly talk to each other. Its OK.