<p>OP- please update us when you get the results and keep us posted on your son’s progress.</p>
<p>To the OP–I read the first page of posts and the last few so apologies if this is a repeat. My DS was a good student until about 10th grade. He really fell through the floor in 11th. Also did not take joy in anything, could not think beyond hs, was completely unmotivated. He does not have a LD but was diagnosed with depression a few weeks ago. DH and I are kicking ourselves for not thinking of this sooner. Depression does not present in teens quite the same way it does in adults. Just throwing this out as another possibility. . .</p>
<p>MyLB,
Yes, this definitely occurred to us-- last yr, especially. I took S to 3 different counselors (over the course of a yr), with no obvious improvement. S was put on Lexapro for a while. I noticed that he wasn’t as belligerent, but he also became very lethargic. To me that wasn’t an acceptable tradeoff, so we took him off it. (No apparent effect either way on school performance.) BTW when I say ‘belligerent’, this applies only to us his parents, NOT to any other adult or to friends. (He saves his moodiness for home.) He’s never been a behavior problem at school-- ever. I’m thankful for that. If his motivation for doing well in school matched his behavior outside the home, we’d be gold.
Anyone else out there have a kid who is respectful to teachers and other adults, but rude at home?</p>
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<p>Might I venture to say, most of us…</p>
<p>I guess that’s because they know they won’t get kicked out? ;-)</p>
<p>I love this thread, and read every post! </p>
<p>My 15-year old sophomore son is upstairs sleeping. He made it through 6 days of school, before he said he "didn’t feel well " He’s basically tired from staying up too late. After much discussion, we allowed him to stay home and rest. (He could be coming down with something…I guess. Or he just put in an award-worthy performance!) I am now going to strictly implement, as much as I can, more of a “go to sleep!” enforcement. He’s a smart kid and is involed in ECs of his choosing. He’s a Second Degree Black Belt and was on a freshman sports team. His sometime lethargy just frustrates me so. His Eng grade dropped from an A to a B last year because he “forgot” to hand in 2 assignments. It didn’t bother him a bit. But when allowed to choose an elective, he chose a Science. He’s only lazy when he wants to be, and is as successful as he feels like being.</p>
<p>I realize he’s physically going through a lot …growing like a weed and either not being hungry or eating enormous amounts of food . . . as his legs get hairier and his voice changes. He knows we want him to have the college choices he wants - it’s just not real to him yet…</p>
<p>"Anyone else out there have a kid who is respectful to teachers and other adults, but rude at home? "</p>
<p>I don’t know that I’m thinking rude vs respectful, but almost teenager brought to me for evaluation is described as “irritable” at home, but nowhere else.</p>
<p>In a way, the kid at home is the “real” one. He may keep all his frustrations, boredom, etc. under wraps while at school and even with friends, but it all comes out at home because those frustrations and anxiety exist in his mind and they need an outlet. Unfortunately, parents tend to be the primary target, although it could just as easily be a younger sibling which was the case with our son. (It’s only now, 6 or more years later that their relationship has healed from the rift caused by his behavior.) Just wishing he behaved at home the way he does outside won’t help.</p>
<p>I’m pretty skeptical of the whole ADD/LD industry. Instead of branding a kid with “excess” energy with a disorder because he can’t sit still and focus at school, there should be more outlets for that energy. A lot of boys can’t learn sitting still. Girls too. Why don’t schools reflect that need? (Sorry to go off topic here.)</p>
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<p>Oh, I wish you could be around my son at night after his meds wear off…you’d be a true believer! It’s not excess energy…it is a true deficit of attention…or in other words, he’s the Most Distractible Person on Earth. Before he left for college, he didn’t take his pills for a few days…he wore us out but he thinks it feels pretty cool! I called it his recreational non-use of drugs.</p>
<p>We’re a little off-topic, but I’ll run with it. I agree there are kids who are truly ADD and benefit from certain medications, but I have to agree with mousegray that I am very skeptical with much of the diagnosis & treatment of ADD for boys. Males are just wired differenlty than females. Many boys are physically, mentally, inherently hyper. They’d benefit from study or work 20 minutes, run for 1/2 hour. The necessity of structure in schools , etc. just doesn’t coalesce with the differering abilities to stay focused. Many guys (and some girls) just can’t do it the way it is expected of them.</p>
<p>In our case it’s ADHD-Inattentive (or whatever the current name is.) She has never, ever been hyper. Quiet and almost hyperfocuses. That’s why that type of ADHD gets overlooked for a long time: the kids are every teacher’s dream ;)</p>
<p>Mousegray, I agree that the kid at home is the ‘real’ kid…but I think the one out in the world is the adult the kid is becoming. They’re so young, and they manage it all when they’re out there (which of us would willingly go to high school again?), then they come home and act out, sleep, etc. But the next day, off they go to climb that mountain of peer pressure, teacher pressure, subjects they couldn’t care less about but need to do well in…and they do it pretty well.</p>
<p>There is always the USMC . . excellent cure for slacker dudes.</p>
<p>Bflo–I re-read your original post. I know it’s extra difficult when our offspring are just so far from being the students we were. (How many times have I said, “I don’t get it. I liked getting As!”) My youngest has always been very typical youngest–quite the laidback angel. However, middle school hit him so much harder than his siblings. All the roller-coaster emotions we’d been warned to expect really only showed up with him. Still at heart a sweet kid, but will definitely stomp around the house/slam doors/look at DH and me sometimes as if we were the stupidest beings on the planet. I think it’s important not to take this behavior personally. My mother always told me the kids who act up in school are the ones who don’t feel safe enough to do it at home. That is a backdoor compliment to you–that your son is secure in your love for him no matter what.</p>
<p>Might it just be that he’s particularly affected by the hormones? Or maybe still quite immature? I do understand feeling like there’s this huge deadline by which our kids have to perform up to snuff. High school is this rather rigid box that kids have to fit into and it just does not work that well for so many of them, particularly, I think, the boys. </p>
<p>I have no golden insights or answers for you. But lots of sympathy. Me–I believe way deep down everything will work out for all of my kids, one way or another. (Really, we have to, don’t we?)</p>
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<p>That’s very true. I guess you could say that true maturity is when both personas, the one at home, and the one out in the world resolve into a unified whole.</p>
<p>It took me about 45 years…</p>
<p>To the OP–I scanned the thread–I hope you will keep trying, with support, to tease out the many issues. Not all experts are knowlegeable, so keep trying until you find the answers/explanations and approaches that fit your kid. I am still navigating something similar, a very complex set of challenges diagnostically and behaviorally, with one of my own kids. It has been an education, even with some background. </p>
<p>The gifted/LD kid does not present in a standard way; even experts can miss the diagnosis of an LD. Look at Mel Levine’s writings–although gifted is not addressed much by him, he describes many neurologic differences that affect even kids with high overall intelligences. A wide discrepancy (very high in some areas vs below average in one or a couple of areas) can translate into learning difficulties when material becomes harder and compensatory mechanisms no longer are enough, in HS or college. The other area that many posters have mentioned is ADD, or executive function disorder–when hyperactivity is not part of the presentation, this often goes unrecognized. Be aware that there is significant comorbidity with ADD/ADHD/EFD and mood disorders like depression and anxiety, for obvious and not so obvious reasons–on some level these kids know they are not functioning, academically or socially, as well as peers or siblings, or up to their “potential,” which can induce anxiety or depression (and, BTW, in adolescents depression doesn’t always look like sadness, it can look like irritability and aggression). Oppositional behavior (active or passive) and inflexibility are associated with ADD/ADHD/EFC. I think this has to do with not being able to plan one’s time or anticipate consequences as easily, part of ADD/EFD (and just normal teenaged brain immaturity), which leads to conflicts with parents. Teenagers can be generally challenging (understatement…). Kids with these issues are even more so. </p>
<p>What has worked for us is a very strong basic trust between us, a belief in and support of my kid’ positive traits, and this kid knowing that I have their best interest always in mind. I won’t claim that I didn’t make mistakes, or have this kid all figured out, or that it has been easy, or that life will go smoothly from now on. But my approach has seen us through some tough times, and helped this kid take guidance (eventually). I wish you lots of patience. GOTTA love the kid on the couch to make it work.</p>
<p>@MOmPhD
Thanks for your post (I am the OP)-- I’ve long suspected my S has ADD even though he was tested twice for ADHD (2 separate occasions by 2 separate sets of med professionals) and did not receive that diagnosis either time. We belong to an HMO that I believe lumps ADD into ADHD (I don’t understand why)-- my son was never hyperactive (at home or school) so maybe that’s why he tested neg for ADHD?? But he does manifest many of the personality traits you mention, and he seems to me to have deficient executive functioning. We’ve had him evaluated by a psychologist that deals with learning disorders, and we get the results tomorrow (Thurs), so I will post again with those. At home he seems to frequently behave like a petulant child, and his backpack is a disorganized mess. He will graduate HS in 2012, so if he’s not organized by NOW, will he ever be?? And why doesn’t he care? He frequently asks me to do things for him that he can easily do himself (I don’t do them), which tells me that he enjoys the dependency. Yet he wants his driver’s license and to be more independent. This is a paradox for which I have no explanation…
There’s a book out there that’s a wonderful, funny, quick read that talks about the “baby self” vs the “adult self”, and how it’s the baby self that comes out at home. The adult self is who the kid is in public (ie, when he’s well behaved), and that’s who the kid will be when he’s grown. It’s “Get Out of My Life, But First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall?” by Anthony Wolf. The book is organized into chapters that address behavior as it relates to school, sex, drugs, divorce, etc., and has virtual conversations between parent and teen. I loved it and keep it on my nightstand for reference. It really helped me understand my son’s behavior, but in my case, we also needed to investigate learning disorders. One more day till we have some news…</p>
<p>I’m really lazy, have trouble focusing in school, and in general would rather be outside with friends than studying. But thankfully, my parents are really strict and have forced me to be inside and study and get good grades and such. Sometimes you just have to crack down. It sucks, I personally hated my parents for a while, but I have now realized that it was for my benefit, I’m a senior applying to colleges.</p>
<p>@Biggie - where are you applying? You sound exactly like my son!</p>
<p>Does he enjoy being outdoors and learning something physical in a noncompetitive manner? Perhaps a leadership program such as NOLS might work:
[NOLS</a> - Mission and Values](<a href=“http://www.nols.edu/about/values.shtml]NOLS”>http://www.nols.edu/about/values.shtml)</p>