Uncompromising Roommates

Parent Cafe
61

<p>I agree with deb. I would not want any more contact with that family, and just replace the items.</p>

<p>It is unfortunate that Betsey didn’t realize that this was mental illness, not just someone who was unreasonable. I’m no professional, but it seemed apparent by her first description on this thread. Turning to an RA, who is barely older than Betsey, could be useless. It might have been Betsey that was shredded with the scissors, not her clothes and bedsheets.</p>

<p>I’m not saying that a young woman should have recognized this, just that it certainly put her in danger not being able to. I wish there was more education to kids about mental illness, and that the people (RA’s) they are expected to complain to were well versed in whom to contact in these cases, so they don’t just ignore it.</p>

62

<p>Betsy’s mom just called me from the car on their way to campus.</p>

<p>Betsy got a call at lunch time from roomie’s mom, screaming at her about ruining her daughter’s life.</p>

<p>Not what Betsey needed right now. So glad her parents are on the way there. They are staying up there tonight at a hotel and Betsy may stay with them if she wants. Last night she stayed in the RA’s room in the extra bed. She didn’t want to stay in the room even though roomie had been taken out.</p>

<p>Apparently RA feels very guilty/upset about not getting involved earlier. She was swamped with a lot of roomie situations and this one seemed not as awful as some others, with some new students drinking / smoking pot and upsetting roomies that way. The louder wheels were getting the grease.</p>

<p>Poor RA is a sophomore herself, not yet 19. Way to young to have this kind of responsibility, try to triage so many stressful situations all at one time with no real training.</p>

<p>No idea on what will happen in the future. I am sure there is a zero chance of this girl being put back any where near Betsy, if she ever is allowed back on campus.</p>

<p>I’m shocked that the mom called to scream at Betsey, not realizing how traumatized Betsy must be --but then again, maybe I’m not surprised at all? I feel sorry for the girl’s parents because this is not something you want to see anyone go through.</p>

63

<p>Oh. Hell. No.</p>

<p>If I were Betsy’s parents I’d call them back, tell them that while I sympathize with them in what must be a devastating time for them they are to no way contact Betsy again or my restraining order would extend to them as well. I’d let them know that I’m having the RA clean out the room and in under no circumstances do I want them in that room, with or without Betsy there.</p>

64

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<p>RM’s mom may be in some denial about the seriousness of RM’s mental situation. Or shares it.</p>

<p>Sounds like Betsy and her family are doing all the right things now and this too, shall pass.</p>

65

<p>I’m so glad to hear that Betsey’s parents will be there tonight. Perhaps you can suggest to them that Betsey find someone professional to talk with. Poor Betsey must be so upset over the entire situation.</p>

66

<p>Betsy and/or her parents should report the phone call from the RM’s parents immediately. Document, document, document. I’d get Betsy out of that dorm ASAP.</p>

67

<p>Between this and “General Mom” your friends are definitely a fount of bad RM stories, boysx3!</p>

68

<p>the OP said betsy wanted to expand her comfort zone by randomly getting assigned a roommate. but if she really wanted to expand her comfort zone, how come she didn’t try harder to befriend the roommate she was assigned? that’s what it sounds like the roommate needed, right? a friend. someone who would look out for her concerns, who could understand her needs, who wouldn’t judge her for not doing normal things. you think that whatever betsy did her roommate would have found her threatening and proceeded to draft up rules? you don’t think there could have been a quiet understanding between them where the more adjusted person supported and looked out for the less adjusted one? or it would have been impossible to form a relationship with that girl and no one could be expected to do that? especially not after she imposed the rules! how absurd and ridiculous those were. after that who could sympathize with the roommate? betsy shouldn’t have had to endure those kinds of restraints. </p>

<p>she needs to reclaim her independence from this domineering roommate. how can she allow her college experience at this top 10 school which her family is footing the tuition for be MARRED by a roommate with outrageous demands. lets not even try to understand the roommate, and be kind, patient and considerate, to listen to her and try to understand the rules, no, LETS HAVE A CONFRONTATION. don’t do what she asks anymore, rebel, oppose her rules, THAT’S the smart thing to do! </p>

<p>it sounds to me like she got an odd roommate like she was hoping for, the opportunity presented itself to do just what she wanted - to expand her comfort zones by befriending someone unusual and different - but then she wasn’t up to the task because the roommate was TOO different. so quickly they fall into a pattern of speaking as little as possible to each other and the roommate protects herself with the rules, since she can’t count on betsy to understand her. if she could understand then we wouldn’t have to have the mysterious list of sacred rules. but she can’t, so betsy is asked to abide by the rules. but betsy becomes resentful of her roommate and her rules. they’re impossible, unreasonable, no one else has roommates which ask such things of them. but all of this because why? she didn’t put in the effort to understand her roommate. and now, in not understanding her roommate, she becomes indignant. </p>

<p>and the posters here with their limited partial understandings of the situation tell her that YEAH, she should not take it any longer, she shouldn’t let her roommate control her like that. so she doesn’t, and predictably the situation escalates. the roommate - friendless, alone, with only her rules to save her from greater discomfort - is disrespected, she endures god knows what kind of suffering, is driven to turn her room upside down, is found in the shower stall in her clothes crying. that is desperation. that is uncloaked despair. and now she is hospitalized.</p>

<p>everyone in this thread who encouraged the roommate to disregard the rules is to blame for what happened. her roommate who was traumatically hospitalized? YOU GUYS helped put her there in that way.</p>

<p>but what’s the reaction when we learn of the turn of events?</p>

<p>to comment on how scary it sounds. the scissors which were stuck into the mattress. that’s what our attention is drawn to, the mention of the scissors stabbed into the mattress. now the roommate is officially crazy. insane. she shredded her roommates bedding with scissors. she maniacally wielded scissors. how dangerous. now lets imagine what would have happened if betsy had been there. lets now be more scared. how frightening! she could have been hurt by the scissors. im just happy she’s safe and the roomie is getting help now. who could have thought someone would fly off the handle like that? why was she even at college when she presented a danger to other students. its scary to think these are the kids that could be my son / daughter’s roommate. and the scissors. the dreaded scissors. how scary and awful. the madness that must have possessed her! but let’s move on. its best to move on. to put frightening incidents like this behind us. they can’t be understood. crazy people like her can’t be reasoned with. there was nothing anyone could have done. what she needs is professional help. and now, thank the lord, she is getting it. </p>

<p>p.s. the scissors.</p>

69

<p>Lots of advice here for Betsy’s parents, probably they need to talk to an attorney very soon to discuss specific actions they can take, and those that would cause problems and should be avoided. </p>

<p>On other threads, when students behave in dangerous ways, people talk about getting the police involved. Wouldn’t that make sense here? In some ways it feels like kicking the roommate when she is down and obviously needs help, but if RM’s parents are not taking this seriously enough then Betsy needs to use all the tools she has to protect herself.</p>

70

<p>enfieldacademy: First of all, Betsy wasn’t on this forum asking for advice so I highly doubt anything said here affected the outcome of this situation in any way. </p>

<p>Second, from what we - third/fourth party - were told, Betsy did try to work with the RM.</p>

<p>Finally, slashing clothes is NOT an even close to normal reaction to a RM disagreement and suggests that there isn’t much Betsy could have done with RM in any case.</p>

71

<p>Wow, enfield, you sound almost as nutty as the roommate.</p>

<p>Betsy’s trying to get an education, not run a mental health support group.</p>

72

<p>Makes you think maybe having nutso parents had something to do with roomies situation. No wonder she’s disturbed, with a mom like that. I would surely forego compensation, and stay away from that family!</p>

<p>These RAs have way too much responsibility for people who are barely younger than they are.</p>

73

<p>Enfield, years ago I lived in an apartment as assigned housing for an internship program and a girl from my school who had been assigned a random roommate was STABBED by this random roommate, who had shown more minor signs of mental health issues than Betsy’s roommate. I am appalled at your attitude. Betsy is not in any way to blame nor is she in any way responsible for the other girls problems. Yes it is sad the other girl had problems but Betsy was NOT confrontational about it for weeks. You are clearly projecting your own issues into this situation.</p>

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<p>everyone in this thread who encouraged the roommate to disregard the rules is to blame for what happened. her roommate who was traumatically hospitalized? YOU GUYS helped put her there in that way.</p>

<p>Really? Seriously? enfieldacademy, you have WAYYYY too active an imagination. Please come back to reality.</p>

75

<p>I’m with busdriver - the mom is not normal either. </p>

<p>enfield - she was a new college freshman herself, not a trained psychotherapist. No guests ever, no LIGHTS, ever, no sound to the alarm, ever, don’t come home unless you are here by 12 - what gave her the right to make these “rules?” It was not her house that she was renting to “Betsy”. If this doesn’t sound way out of line for a shared room, then perhaps you need to rethink the basic situation. BTW, no one drives a person to trash the room, slash clothes and bedding, etc. Remember what we tell kindergarteners - USE YOUR WORDS. Oh, and did you not see the part where the rm did not want to join in any activities that “Betsy” invited her to - that was the trying to be a friend part. Support and understanding for someone who won’t let you put on a light and puts on headphones instead of listening can only come from a mental health professional. Are you the rm mother/father or something?</p>

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<p>enfield is one of the resident trolls on CC</p>

<p>Ohmom–you have a good memory! But my neighbor’s son’s roomie was a nice (if really quiet )guy–his mom was just a bit off her rocker. My neighbor’s son joined a fraternity last spring and (unofficially) moved in to an empty room in the fraternity house. He was much happier there. He heard through the grapevine that his roommate ended up transferring to a school closer to home.</p>

77

<p>I don’t think Betsy’s parents should have any contact with the ex-roommate’s parents. No phone calls to them, no letters, no requests for reimbursement. The call from the roommate’s mother should be reported to the director of the dorm and whatever deans of student life/engagement can be found. Have the university’s security folks take care of any contacts or warnings to the roommate’s parents. As CountingDown says, document, document, document.</p>

<p>It wouldn’t hurt to cc the university chancellor/president on any letters or emails. This is an exceptional event with long-term implications for the school–at the very least, it’s clear that they don’t have enough dorm staff.</p>

78

<p>The parents and Betsy need to have no more contact with the roommate or her parents. As they say you can’t reason with crazy. The phone call needs to be reported, they need assurance that the rm’s parents will be dealt with and Betsy needs to block their number. No more contact from anyone, no way would I give the other parents any fuel for their fire. </p>

<p>Betsy does not have to feel guilty for anything she did. It sounds like she did the best she could under the circumstances.</p>

79

<p>Betsy and her parents should consider making an appointment with the Director of Housing. Go straight to the top. My first question would be what will happen to the opening in Betsy’s room. Will the roommate and her belongings be removed? When? Assuming the original roommate is removed what will housing do? If they have people in supplemental housing SOP would be to move someone into the now open spot. If Betsy has a friend that would like to room with her that would be great. I would at least hope Betsy would be given a chance to meet and okay any potential new roommate. While this in not generally how it is done this should count as a special case.</p>

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<p>Oh my. The roomie is/was even crazier than I had imagined. So sorry for everyone involved, and wishing everyone a better rest of the year!</p>