<p>bigtrees, the school year is practically over. That’s not a practical move at this time.</p>
<p>Some kids can hate a school without being clinically depressed. :)</p>
<p>Let her transfer. It’s not a big deal. After a couple of months living on campus, our son quickly realized that his “dream school” was nothing like the picture that was portrayed during visits and information sessions. The weekends were the worse. If one wasn’t into drinking themselves into a near coma at the fraternity houses or apartments or involved in the Greek scene, he/she was pretty much stuck alone. The campus did not offer many weekend activities and many of the clubs seemed to be on-paper only. He joined many clubs, but found out quickly that participation was a joke. The campus was rather isolated and unless one had a car, they were stuck.</p>
<p>To make a long story short, he toughed it out for the year. He focused on his academics because there really wasn’t much else to do. He had his transfer applications out by Nov. of his freshman year. He began his sophomore year at a new college and has been happy since he stepped foot at the transfer school. </p>
<p>Sometimes, kids just know when an environment is not right for them. I hope the OP’s daughter has a wonderful new beginning at her transfer school.</p>
<p>PS–update: Son is graduating from his transfer school in May with Summa Cum Laude honors. He was also informed that he will be honored at a special banquet as the top student in his major. He was accepted into 5 Graduate programs for the fall. Transferring can be a wonderful thing!</p>
<p>“Sometimes, kids just know when an environment is not right for them.”</p>
<p>Well said!</p>
<p>I’m hearing a lot of “Yes, buts” to all of the advice being given … I don’t think anyone has enough information to make a good suggestion … it sounds as if the best suggestion you can make to your daughter is for her to go over to the student counseling center where they deal with these issues all of the time. They will be able to tease out whether she is actually “depressed” in a clinical sense or may be able to help her do some constructive problem solving … sometimes a counselor can be more effective in these situations than a parent can and if your daughter feels that you support her doing this sh may just do it…</p>
<p>this balancing of letting go, while still offering our support is challenging…if she feels this strongly there has to be a reason… however as a parent, I would still push for her to see a therapist now…I’d be a bit concerned about the change you are noting in her as jym pointed out and would just want to know she’s truly okay…</p>
<p>Let’s face it…an individual college experience can boil down to luck sometimes. Maybe if she was on a different floor or in a different dorm, things might have worked out differently. But for now, wow…it’ just awful to be excluded and alone…especially when everybody else seems to be having fun. </p>
<p>If she really wants to transfer, I wouldn’t fight it. Let her do it. Check out what programs the new school would have for making transfers feel more welcome…it can be hard to break into established cliques - so she may run into the same problem. </p>
<p>Whatever school she goes to, or even if she stays, encourage her to join some clubs of interest next year to meet some different folks. </p>
<p>Regarding depression, see how she is early this summer and keep the communication lines open. A therapist might be helpful. I wouldn’t jump into meds unless the doc and you really felt she needs them.</p>
<p>Your daughter is doing what is right for HER. I think she will be fine and thrive in a new environment. She had her chance to go out of state, she experienced it, it was not for her. Sometimes it is that simple. Best of luck to her and she is lucky to have you support her decision. Good for you, too! This is very common with 18 year old kids who think they want a certain experience and then realize that they don’t. It is part of growing up!</p>
<p>The OP said in post # 3 that her dau is depressed (generic vs clinical use of the word not withstanding). Nysmiles post describes an experience over many months of feeling like the choice of school was a bad fit for many reasons, and making a decision possibly earlier on in his freshman year to transfer, and toughed it out for that first year. This story sounds quite different, though as dbrenner said, we may have insufficient information. Dbrenners post is, imo, well said. It is a good idea to talk to someone independently who can help with problem solving, give some guidance (if appropriate) assess it it is just a matter of “bad fit” and help the student make a decision that she will not possibly come back and question at a later point. If the student does transfer, we all want it to be a successful, positive experience.</p>
<p>It sounds like her school isn’t a good fit for her. I would let her transfer, but maybe a small or medium sized school would be better.</p>
<p>speaking as both a parent and as a psychologist who works with these issues all of the time, going to the counseling center will cost nothing and you will have some assurance that it is nothing to be concerned about … it would be foolish to do anything other than to encourage to talk to someone even if the decision is that she transfers … both things can happen, they are not mutually exclusive!!!</p>
<p>LOL, no wonder I agreed with your advice, dbrenner! (I am a parent and psychologist too)</p>
<p>I agree you should have her evaluated for depression. It can be triggered by anything at any time. But I firmly disagree with much of the advice here about making her stick it out. If she is that unhappy, and it’s not like her to be that unhappy, in my opinion you are playing with fire by not listening to her and reacting accordingly. It may be she will feel better next year if she sticks it out, but god forbid she ends up doing something ill advised because she continues to feel worse. We’ve heard too many sad stories lately about depressed kids in college. I say get her out of there now, get her some help, let her transfer, and see if it makes a difference. Telling a freshman to continue to tough it out after a whole year of doing just that is not worth the risk of possibly seeing it go downhill some more. Trust your daughter. You brought her up right and she probably knows what she is talking about.</p>
<p>I actually think it’s a lot harder than is generally reported on these forums to attend another state’s flagship university. It can (and often does) work, of course, but there are many instances of kids not feeling a fit. There are several reasons. A lot of the in-state kids come in with lots of high school friends and a LOT go home on weekends- especially freshman year. I know I experienced this at my Big Ten school back in the day. I wasn’t particularly happy freshman year (left a boyfriend at home), but I made do and stayed.
I can understand bailing, but the depression certainly needs to be addressed.</p>
<p>“It sounds like her school isn’t a good fit for her.”</p>
<p>I haven’t heard anything that sounds like that at all. I’ve heard that she loves the school overall, but her hallway may not be a good fit, and that she’s unwilling or unable to take any action to make her social situation better.</p>
<p>I agree with Hanna. If she’s made a good transition academically, found a sorority she’s committed to, but suffering loneliness and isolation on weekends, it sounds to me like she could potentially transfer her unhappiness with her to the next college.</p>
<p>I don’t think anyone is saying that she should suck it up and be miserable for three more years. But rolling the dice on another college without making an effort to connect with more people doesn’t sound like a recipe for success.</p>
<p>Does the student have built-in friends from back home that she would re-connect with at the new college? If so, it could be a gentle retreat back to the kids that knew her and appreciated her back in the day.</p>
<p>My advice (intended kindly)</p>
<p>1) Let her know that you find her concern about possible depression a worthy subject to investigate. A worried mom may pooh-pooh the idea, but the daughter might welcome the support and encouragement to see a counselor. It can be a huge relief, if nothing else, to get validation that she it is not so unusual at all to feel depressed and what this means for her in particular.</p>
<p>2) Let her transfer if she wants to. She’s an adult and should be in charge of these decisions, considering she a) has been doing so well academically despite her woes, and b) the parents can afford the new school. Even if she regrets the change (unlikely), she will learn the lessons many here suspect she may have to learn. Sometimes you bring yourself with you.</p>
<p>3) Sometimes when the empathetic mom says, yes, fine, transfer… the student may feel relief. They may even have a change of heart. The most we can offer our students is support, approval, and help if they can’t see they need it, but certainly when they do.</p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
<p>My husband and I have told her many of the things you all have so graciously offered up here. We have many of the same concerns, that is, finding a repeat performance at another school, etc. With our support of her decision she is feeling a great relief. She’s registering for autumn quarter, just in case, and will be visiting schools over the summer. She may come the realization to go back. </p>
<p>We just want for her to be happy. It is very hard to speak to your child and hear the saddness. We feel so bad for her because she was so very looking forward to this experience.</p>