<p>In support of Helms point about staying in touch, one of my Ds ran into a problem and she was a senior by then, but she was being stalked by a guy and it was affecting everything. Had I not happened to have a long term project in her area, I am not sure she would have told me anything until it was too late to help. As it was, she and I met the department person who helps kids in tough situations and she was able to advise us, very good advice in retrospect and not what we would have chosen at the time as we did not know her advice was one of our options.</p>
<p>The advisor was a mature adult, not a student, and had worked at the campus for many years, she had seen it all and told me you would be amazed how many kids try to handle everything on their own, they are afraid to take a possible "failure" (in their monds anything less that perfection in all facets of lifecould be a failure) to their parents for help. She also told us that parents help could make a big difference to the outcome of the situations.</p>
<p>Don't be afraid to jump in if you sense a problem, though try to be approachable to your kid ;)</p>
<p>My junior son is in Europe now. I don't know his AIM identity so don't see when he is online..he would be freaked out if I IM'd him, and emails are seldom and often very short. If I joined Facebook as some Mom's have he would have a stroke. But I would love to see his page...anyone one to sign up as his buddy and send it to me? ha
However, we set up the once a week phone tradition...and he was faithful to that and was very talkative/open/intentional always on that pattern. He has also brought home friends for short weekends who are from too far away for their own parent visits. So...although here is my complaint: He is withholding I would say re photos...what a complaint, I know..but I know his laptop is full of them..that is his "boundary" I guess..he wants his life and friends to be separate from the home team for now. I think I have seen four pictures in three years and he has tons of friends and I am sure has taken scores of photos. This is his privacy line in the sand.</p>
<p>However, we are delighted with our once a week phone calls which last an hour or more and are full of great descriptions and pithy commentary and details from the boy we raised who sounds more and more like an adult. The thing that makes me happy is that he has the skills at college and now in a big foreign city..to build his own "peer family" and find support and encouragement in his own generation for the day to day ups and downs. For this I am truly grateful and not jealous. I could see with my own eyes that plenty of people on his halls at college even as freshmen..could hand out good advice and teach him adaption skills. It can be grim to be in my fifties with the indignities of middle age and aging, needy parents but it brings to mind that we won't always be here so our kids truly need to break out and make their own generational support nest with our blessings.
Of course in this digital age, there is simply no standard anymore of good separation vs dependency...perfectly independent kids send some parents oodles of photos and IMs and others try to disconnect from all those avenues.
Anyway...this thread has had some great moments for those of us who can all agree..it is an adjustment letting go. A big adjustment.</p>
<p>I have always been one who enjoyed every stage my kids have gone through ... and I have actually been happy as one stage ended & another began. I wasn't sure how I would feel about this newest chapter, though. D is many hours away, and I knew I would miss her. However, I have found that I am absolutely fine. I do miss D ... but I find that a quick text message when I think of something to share with her works so well (without intruding). She also sends a text here or there when she thinks of something to share with those of us at home. It has been pretty neat. We talk, although not every day. She is going through some homesickness issues (getting better all the time) ... but I find myself strangely "okay" about that. I guess I realize that she needs to break away & experience all the good and bad that growing up brings. I am even excited at the thought of everything yet to come for her! </p>
<p>And then there is the S left at home ... plenty yet to deal with as he learns to drive, navigates high school, deals with creative differences in his band, etc!</p>
<p>i know my parents miss me. i know home misses me. newsflash!! i miss home too.</p>
<p>for me, it's not an issue of not WANTING to tell my parents what's going on at school. i really wish i could--i'm excited to have an adult relationship with them in the near future rather than a parent/child relationship with them. but here are the hurdles for me:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>time: i am SO BUSY at school it's not even funny. by the time i would have some free minutes to talk to them, i have something else to do or someone else i need to talk to or just never get around to it. or i'm just so caught up in school life that when i have free time i'm not thinking about family and am instead thinking about doing something to center myself (it's hard to stay sane when you're going in a million different directions!)</p></li>
<li><p>content: can i really tell my parents i'm proud of the kegstand i did at a frat party? or that i kissed the boy i like last weekend? it seems so mundane to just be like 'yep, school's fine. roommate's good. i'm surviving. classes are interesting. i have a 3.86 right now. my sorority's fun. my pledge mom is adorable' but i don't know when i'm supposed to stop "hiding" stuff from them (it's an interesting type of freedom to all of the sudden be able to stay out until 2 or 3 without having to lie about where i'm "spending the night")</p></li>
</ol>
<p>so if i were you, i'd wait it out a little for your kid to find his niche (which he will) and in the meantime, just let him know that you really care about him. my mom texts me every once in awhile which always makes me smile. my roommate sent her mom a list of her important dates (midterms, etc) so her mom calls her on those days for a pep talk. </p>
<p>everyone loves mail!!!! packages get bonus points.</p>
<p>and when he comes home for a long weekend, take him out to dinner and then get some good talk time in there. all the best!</p>
<p>I have followed this post with trepidation since the beginning and now, a year later, I am the mother of a freshman daughter. We did not hear from her for the first 10 days and it was at that stage that I thought enough is enough. By going to college she has not left our family or our lives...one of the things she had valued most was our "sense of family" but to have that, one needs to be in constant contact so I did call and I did say we need to hear from you...and we now do..either via IM or email or phone. Every family is different and our requirements are different but I did not bring up a child for her to disappear off the radar at 18..my kids are not a project..so I don't expect there to be a beginning and an end. We are a part of each other's lives and I truly don't see why college should end this. I do understand how it does happen, or rather I know that it happens but I don't understand why it should.</p>
<p>I felt like that too natmi, but I sat on my hands and refused to call or email obsessively. I would check in a couple of times a week but not daily unless she did not surface after several attempts. I never once gave her a hard time about not checking in. </p>
<p>About two weeks ago she surfaced and started calling and emailing. They DO need to establish themselves and bond with their roommates and advisors-I recommend that everybody sending their kid off to school try not to contact them more than once a week in the early weeks--it really helps the kids not only are they free to make new connections, they aren't being guilt tripped because they aren't in daily contact.</p>
<p>It really helps to have the student's perspective. SEE kristin5792 --Post #526. THANKS.</p>
<p>kristin5792 cites that she is busy. I bet she really is. I tried in HS to instill and require self-sufficiency in my S. But, I did keep tabs of the "important" things. You know, the deadlines S had for different things, etc. Of course, I decided what was important in S's life to track and keep up with and **I **had 50+ years of life experience, so it was "a snap" FOR ME to do this.</p>
<p>Now, it is all up to S as freshman at college. Yep, he is busy like he's NEVER been before. And, part of my missing him is missing "tending" to his stuff because it made me feel so relevant and necessary in his life. College is an adjustment for me as well as him.</p>
<p>kristin5792 cites that she is unsure what to share with her parents. And, her observations on this seem very valid to me. In fact, she is probably right that a lot of what she'd like to share (at some point) isn't something that her parents are really able to handle without reverting to old behavior of the parents of a child, not the young adult s/he is.</p>
<p>I've talked to several parents who have already been through the freshman transition. They relate that one of the hardest parts is accepting what are the important things to their now young adult student.</p>
<p>I think the parents on CC who counsel taking a step back and letting this communication start on the timetable of the students are making the best suggestion. Pushing and nagging the student to "find time" to communicate and/or "open up" does seem to have FAILURE written all over it.</p>
<p>What is the old saying? All comes to he who waits. Our young adults love us and miss us. But, I think they are not sure they trust us in the new relationship of parent and yound adult. I think we show our trustworthiness by giving them some slack.</p>
<p>From some of the threads here, I got the idea that a once a week phone call might be good. We set that up as a "let's try this out" kind of expectation and I think it is working out well. We usually call on Sunday afternoon. Once he called us--very exciting for me! He also answers e-mails promptly, though briefly. This routine has really helped me feel in touch with him and has put some limits on communication so he feels he has some space. Of course, we told him he could call us anytime he wanted and we would call if anything urgent came up. When we visited for Family Weekend, he thanked us for not calling constantly. Every family is different, but this is working for us.</p>
<p>My kids call only if they need advice on a problem that must be solved RIGHT NOW or when they have just received a good grade and want to brag (hey, the only people you can tactfully brag to are your parents).</p>
<p>Almost all other communication is by e-mail.</p>
<p>It works for us.</p>
<p>There are some gender differences in communication, though. When my daughter's bus home for Fall Break was going to be about an hour late, she called me from her cell phone. I noticed that most of the parents at the bus stop who were receiving such phone calls were parents of girls. We passed on the message to the parents of boys, none of whom seemed at all surprised that their kids hadn't called from the bus.</p>
<p>^^^Haha, so true about boys. S came home for Fall Break this weekend. Wasn't able to leave campus until after a night class but needed to drive here late at night because he had an appt. here on Thurs. a.m.<br>
Talked to him about 11:00 on Wed. night. He was about an hour and a half from home at that point. He said he would see us in the a.m. as he knew we needed to go to bed (had to work next day). I woke up at 1 a.m. and S is not home. I started to worry and called his cell ph...no answer. After pacing the floor and calling the cell about 100 times, I wake DH up. We call the highway patrol to see if there had been any wrecks on the interstate..nope. </p>
<p>S walks in about 3 a.m. surprised to see us awake. After arriving in our town around 12:30 he had stopped to visit a friend not 3 miles from our house. He'd been there the whole time but left cell phone in his truck. He was sure we were sleeping and so didn't call. He apologized after he saw how worried I was but truly thought he was doing the right thing by not waking us after he got in town, never thinking that I would wake up in the night and look for him!</p>
<p>Yes, PackMom, a very familiar tale! Similar to the night last summer (After freshman year at college) when S got home after midnight and realized he didn't have his keys. He decided to go to a friend's house instead of waking us. He really thought he was being considerate........</p>
<p>Packmom- my kids and I have worked out those late night notices via text message- my cell is on silent/vibrate, my Ds can text me any time of the the day or night, if I am awake I will get it, if I am asleep, it does not disturb me. If I wake up, wondering where she is, I can see exactly what is going on via her text. It has been such a relief and also nice on the nights when I go to sleep and am not worried not to be disturbed.</p>
<p>I think texting also means your S/D does not risk listening to lectures, but is merely conveying info- not that I cannot find a way to lecture via text, but I am so slow at it, I have to really feel passionate about the subject :D The simplicity of it and lack of disruption to their evening has all my kids very willing to text whatever/whenever.</p>
<p>great idea, somemom. I'll just have to figure out how to make it so my cell phone doesn't make any noise when I receive a text message. It seems to emit a single squawk, even if it is silenced. I'm a light sleeper, so that is all it takes. But I'm probably doing something wrong.......</p>
<p>Great idea. I very rarely text and am very slow at it. So I never even think of it. S1 is not a big texter (but waaay better than me) either but could definitely use it in a situation like we had. I'll have to pass that idea on to him and S2 (a high sch. senior)..thanks.</p>
<p>Busy? In college? Please. Busy is raising two kids and running your own business in your thirties. College is a dream vacation--a Disney halfway house on the way to adulthood. (*credit to jamimom)</p>
<p>cheers--don't know what about your kids, but mine truly are busy. Besides classes & homework, which may or may not be challenging, depending on the kid and the course, my 3 kids in college have done or are doing the following: choirs, folk dance group (as well as costume mistress), Hillel service leader/organizer, film society business mgr., Ultimate Frisbee, organizing a gaming/coding competition, graphics editor for the school newspaper, and member of the team for an international programming competition. All while making good grades and having an active social life. And I've just listed the important activities that I know about!</p>
<p>Granted, if they fall on their face in any one of these activities, there may be consequences, but they don't get fired. They just don't get asked back.</p>