We miss him, Maybe he doesn't miss us. ?

Parents Forum
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<p>averagewoman (post 556), I know it's really rough. I found my kids wanted more to hear little tidbits of news about home, their dog, their friends I'd bumped into still in town, anything from a family they used to know...much more than to talk to me about what they were up to. I had to give in order to get, by sharing quick tidbits and nothing sorrowful, either. </p>

<p>So far, our 3 colleges all advised identically: short emails, quick newsbits from home (to lift their spirits) rather than an interview or inquiry each time. Sometimes I compose emails so they don't include questions that require a response. If they want to comment, they will; if not, at least I feel we're in touch. Have you ever had that friend who always writes 5 questions at the end of her letter? (oops, I just did it). It leaves you feeling guilty, like you already OWE her a response letter. Adults know it's just a way of being polite and showing interest, but the kids might think they're really being interrogated. </p>

<p>Sometimes I got a rise out of some of them by asking a different question than "how are you?" like this: "Did anything surprising happen this week?" (and then tell them--briefly, a sentence or phrase--something surprising that had happened to ME, just to model it I suppose). </p>

<p>Mileage may vary, but my kids do better when asked, "What are you thinking about lately" than "how are you feeling"? Not everyone knows how they're feeling but most people know what they're thinking. </p>

<p>As for reporting on how you feel all the time, well, if they're blue they might not want to report it if they know that causes you to worry until the next call. </p>

<p>Even as I write this, I know advice is limited and some of these kids just need to get over themselves enough to decide their parents are still relevant to their lives.</p>

<p>For me, it comes in waves. Sometimes I feel great, happy and proud of their accomplishments and good-heartedness, savoring the last conversation or email, replaying it in my mind. Then I'll feel badly, as in, "They're never, ever going to live with me or anywhere NEAR this town again," at which point chocolate or CC helps.</p>

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<p>Thank you for your suggestions, Paying3tuitions. You have the experience to know. These posts are like looking in a mirror. I'm grateful.</p>

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<p>It is difficult to let go for all of us in different ways. I am still hovering around on CC but I do have a 17 yr old son so it is not complete nuttiness for me to stay abreast of things in college admissions world.
I will say that my college Junior son was rude more than once his freshman year..ie..packages not acknowledged whatsoever, showed us one photo in two years time when I know he has scads of them...and I did lose my temper in response more than once.<br>
In my era, it was pretty common to "write your parents a letter" once a week out of common courtesy for the payees. And I enjoyed opening mail. At the same time, there was just no intrusions possible..no IMs, no emails, no cell phone calls from parents. Boundaries were created by the culture of that era..people considered a long distance call a big deal.</p>

<p>He needed some boundaries. When he realized we approved of his having privacy and separate life experience without considering us/including us/updating us 24/7, he began to share more. Our weekly phone calls now are lengthy, and even intellectually stimulating (like mythmom...it is thrilling to have a son talk to you with enthusiasm about what he is learning, especially if you are paying the tuition.) Older college son has brought a few friends to our house and now would like us to meet the people who have in many ways..replaced us as his first line support system. I think this is what is supposed to happen, but it is a huge adjustment regardless.</p>

<p>I can see on the horizon however, that my son can find his way and has very good radar and ability to seek out solid friends and mentors and this is I suppose a sign we did our job. I think it is normal for people in his generation to take the front seat in this decade for him...and yet, I think he has in some ways returned..to share with us the life he has created now of his own making. At age 19/20..this process has barely begun. Doesn't work for everyone but for us a once a week expectation did the trick..for common courtesy and filial piety during the awkward transition years.</p>

<p>I know it is hard to remember, but we did not all share oodles with our parents either, and while I expect Respectful contact, I also support our son moving on to new mentors and new peers for guidance. I am truly thrilled he is able to get direction and inspiration from new adults and certainly from new peers. At the same time, I also feel lonely for him at times and that has yet to resolve.</p>

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<p>DS #2 is home for Fall Break for a few days, and revealed that he has home city weather on his laptop next to his local weather. So even tho he never calls, never writes...he IS thinking of us occasionally! ;)</p>

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<p>I take great satisfaction from the random calls I receive from time to time now: not scheduled, so he doesn't HAVE to call. But, this NEVER happened freshman year. And I imagine each kid is on his/her own schedule on this as in all other things. I post our recent, happy change to give others hope!</p>

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<p>I think that in this high-tech era, we expect that our kids will keep in touch. However, I recall my own college years. I would go weeks at a time without calling my parents. Part of the reason was that it was expensive to call (and it had to be past 11 for low rates) --- and I couldn't call long-distance from dorm phone & often was out of the room when parents called. But the important point is that I loved my parents very much, regardless of how seldom I called. Now that I am older, I realize how selfish I was. </p>

<p>Just as my love for my parents wasn't directly related to how often I called, remember that it is the same for your kids. I consider myself fortunate that my daughter enjoys texting me & calls regularly. However, I am pretty sure my son will be far less inclined to keep in touch when his time comes. I know it will be tough, but I hope I can remember my own college years & understand that my son cares even if he doesn't call.</p>

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<p>We have come to accept few calls from him, and are alright with most of the calls originating from us. There is a pretty good book that i would recommend ("Don't Tell Me What to Do, Just Send Money"), that says ..*"Be prepared to do most of the keeping in touch yourself. Don't expect your child to take the initiative in writing or calling. It is extremely important, though, that your child hears from you often, especially during the first few weeks of college. Make your messages light - short notes with news from home, E-mails, care packages, or phone calls are appreciated and comforting. Even if you E-Mail your child often, you may also want to drop a note from time to time. It's sad, particulary for a first-year student, to go to the mailbox every day and find it empty. They especially feel grateful for the occasioanal care package from home. Most students won't admit it, but they really do want to hear from you and generally want reassurance that everything at home has stayed the same". *.</p>

<p>We have actually received the best advice, and best reassurance from all the parents here on CC. I have mentioned it too many times in the past in this thread, how much it has meant to my wife and I. But i will say it again. Thanks to all - for the many positive comments, and suggestions.</p>

<p>One thing that I will add, to mirror many of those who recently commented, it TRULY does work, to "not ask questions", and to tell your child more about your life. Even if it seems boring. It is what they grew up with. You don't have to make things up. Just the daily routine, is very much enjoyed by them. </p>

<p>The last time we called our son, this past weekend. We said hi, and talked most about ourselves and our lives. He then, near the end, took over the conversation, and proceeded to go into detail about 3 of his classes. Some of his classwork (Physics, Calculus, etc.) are over our heads, but we listened as he went on and on. We had a speaker phone, so both my wife and i could listen to him, and talk . We both looked at each other, and smiled, and out mouths occasionally dropped open as he continued to provide details (things he never would have talked about had we "asked" him about them). But he felt comfortable to just share what was going on. It was great. </p>

<p>We told him about his sister, his dog, and more daily stuff, and eventually said good-bye. That type of conversation never occurred when he was a freshman. We were thankful for every minute of this most recent call. </p>

<p>Hang in there parents. </p>

<p>Regards,</p>

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<p>helms2lee - I am so grateful that you started this thread last year. I appreciate your honesty and your willingness to share your disappointment with others. I think we all want to be proud of our kids and it is so hard to admit when you are frustrated or hurt by their behavior. It has been gratifying to read your posts from last year til now, giving all of us hope that with maturity and patience, our kids will improve. For me, however, your thread was a godsend.</p>

<p>Last week I was ready to strangle my daughter - of course she is five hours away and I'd actually have to locate her to do the strangling.........</p>

<p>Most of the time I am okay with the brief, random calls. They have all been positive and that is what is truly most important to me. Last week was different. I was so frustrated that she hadn't acknowledged a note & money that an elderly aunt had sent her - even though once said aunt asked me if I knew whether D had received $$, I emailed D with aunt's phone number and told her to call. I was appalled by her lack of gratitude, manners, and perhaps most telling, that she hadn't considered how embarrassed I would be when she didn't do it. </p>

<p>Anyway - she did make a call to her grandmother for her birthday on the weekend (with a reminder from me, not spontaneous) so she is in slightly better standing. </p>

<p>Here's what is difficult. These kids have NO idea how happy they make relatives when they call to say hello and give some sanitized update on what they are doing. They are kids and since they aren't thrilled with a call from us they just don't know they can have that impact.</p>

<p>This thread really helped me because it bolstered my resolve NOT to nag about the calls or lack thereof, but to just make a request and then drop it. As in - hey give gram a call, do you have her phone #?</p>

<p>Anyway - Kelsmom is so right. I rarely called my mom & I just didn't think about my parents while I was at school. My D tells me SO much more than I ever shared with my folks. And the advice that has been given here is so true - our questions sound like interrogations (probably because they have things they don't want us to know) and we are much better off just casually chatting about what is going on in our lives. And if we don't have much to share maybe we should make our own lives more interesting.</p>

<p>PS - mythmom - you didn't sound like you were bragging, you just sounded happy. I will say when I read your post I did think to myself - that woman should just post on a thread titled - "my kids and I are great, how about You?" Just kidding.....sorta!</p>

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<p>Here is a twist on this topic--when is it appropriate to expect your kid (in my case a daughter) to ask about us? For 18 years, it has always been about her, and it still is. I even sent her a text message on this subject recently, which she ignored. The issue started when she said "You never tell me anything" when I asked her if she knew that I had majored in Psych before switching majors and that I had almost gone back for another degree about 10 years ago. I told her that she could ask me anything, and that there is very little I wouldn't answer. I also said she could start by asking how I enjoyed the vacation (the first in years) I had just taken with her father. No reply; no inquiry. She seems to think that I sit on the other end of the phone or computer awaiting instructions from her as to what I can do for her. I told her that our "adult" relationship was a two-way street. Generally, she is a great kid, good student, loving, cuddly, sweet, but obviously self-centered. Does this sound familiar to anyone?</p>

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<p>abric - my son does this to us too...but once in a while, he surprises us with a question. I don't think it's a big deal and we don't bother him about it. Now, if he's still the same at age 30, I might worry. IMO, males, in particular, take a long time to grow up. He's a good kid overall...and hopefully will become less self centered as he experiences the world.<br>
So, bottom line, we don't wait for him to ask. We just tell him what's going on and he seems to listen OK.</p>

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<p>abric1, yes it is very familiar. At their ages, it's almost expected. D is 19 (almost 20) and it slightly annoys me, but then I realize I was exactly the same at that age. Most of them do grow out of the "it's all about me" stuff, thankfully.</p>

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<p>My S also had the attitude that it was all about him, when we would talk I just asked questions about what was going on, or constantly remind him to do this or to do that. I was almost his long distance reminder service. This year I try to speak about his dad or myself or topics unrelated to either of us - topics in the news, ect. I find he is more willing to share what is going on. Not to say that I dont ask him how he is or if there is some big ongoing thing I won't ask. Or if there is some major thing he needs to do like something in the financial office, I won't remind him, but I really try to keep it minimal.</p>

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<p>this thread has been really interesting and bittersweet. I have close to two years before I have to feel what you all are going through but I clearly remember what life from the child's POV because my mom still treats me that way. Also I work with teens and they really aren't that thoughtful so can I offer a little advice...not as a mom of college students but as a high school teacher.</p>

<p>I think that for most college kids, expecting them to initiate the niceities that you always orchestrated from behind the scenes is too much. I think it's good to remind them at the end of a newsy note to thank Aunt Lil for the card and cash but I don't think it's realistic to expect that they will do it on their own. There are too many other exciting things happening</p>

<p>All of those people who tell you to share snippits of news related to pets friends and family are absolutely right. This may inspire your college student to ask about your Bunco party or their younger sibling's receital. But to expect that they will spontaneously be comsumed with curiosity about your life without your "priming the pump" is unfair and most likely will doom you to disappointment. </p>

<p>This is the most stimulating time in your child's life...and sad but true...your life likely pales in comparison. They are bound to be self-absorbed even if they have always been wonderful, caring and thoughtful in all other ways because their genetics lecture or their great books seminar is WAY cooler than your marathon, your riding in the Kentucky Derby and your discovery of a new solar system. That said, they are probably bragging about your accomplishments to their friends so they do want to hear about them, just don't expect them to ask.</p>

<p>Lastly, (I am really hoping this comes off right) when you leave a voice mail message DO NOT let your dissapointment that they didn't pick up come through your voice. Be Breezy and Cheerful and they are more likely to call you back. No Whining!</p>

<p>Best of luck to all. Trust that you have raised really nice kids who are temporarily totally consumed with all things related to them.</p>

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<p>Our family has kept in touch with D really well through text messaging & pictures via phone. H, S, and I all do it. If we happen to come across something D might find interesting, or if something happens we want to share, we just send a quick text. If the cats are especially cute ... or if one catches a mouse & brings it to the door ... or if I am sleeping on the chair with my mouth wide open ... or if Dad's band has a gig ... or if we are picking apples at the orchard ... we just snap a picture & send. She loves it! No response is necessary, but we keep her in the loop. D does the same for us. My favorite was the day I checked my phone at lunch & found a picture of the washers in her dorm --- her first load of laundry at school!</p>

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<p>Perfect Kelsmom!!! Please remind me to get the photo phone service added to our bundle. :-)</p>

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<p>We saw our son this past weekend. We drove to the area for a visit with him, and with some other relatives. It was so good to see him. He has matured, in terms of attitude, from last year (as a freshman) to this year. He drove with us, and spent time with our relatives. He was very warm to everyone, very talkative, and shared lots of information about his classes, friends, and college life. He smiled and laughed. We smiled, laughed, and watched him as he talked. He is in an apartment, so we also brought a few large goodie boxes to help replenish his place. When we droppped him off at school, he invited us up to see his roomates. They were all very polite, they stopped what they were doing, stood up and shook our hands. It could not have been a better afternoon, and evening. He hugged us both, long and hard during the goodbye. For a brief moment, I thought he was going to shed some tears (unheard of from him). It was a great time, and we will treasure it - until we see him again at Thanksgiving. </p>

<p>To those who may be going through what we went through last year (when our son was a freshman), let me say that there is hope. Things will get better. Even though people told 'me' that last year, it did not really help, then. I was stuck "in the moment" of feeling so distant from my son. It was so foreign. I was so frustrated with the lack of communication, the apparent cold attitude, etc. I guess it is true, that they need their time, their space, to sort things out, to figure out who they are, etc. It is weird, the more space we give him, this year, the closer we have become. It is probably more "timing" than "cause and affect". In either case, we are so so much happier than last year.</p>

<p>Our best wishes, again, to all parents, relatives of students, and to the students.</p>

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<p>H2L- how wonderful to hear you had such a great time with your son- hold close that memory and try not to expect every interaction to be perfect, but keep the faith that it will get better in time.</p>

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<p>My son doesn't contact me much; he's very happy at college and is clearly more focused there than home. We use IM, so I will message him sometimes even when he's not online with a link that I think he'd like, or ask about something going on at the college. He chose not to have a cell phone, because he doesn't want to be distracted and didn't really want calls from people much.</p>

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<p>Amazing how a year and a few months, can make a difference. I truly don't believe it now, compared to what we experienced last year (and why we started this thread last year). Our son now signs his emails with Love, his-name. Last year, he (maybe) replied to 2 emails all year. It took days for him to return phone messages (last year). This year, most of the time, he actually answers before it goes to voice-mail. He is even starting to call, just to talk. It is scary. I want to say "who are you, and what have you done with my son?". </p>

<p>I kind of hope that some of you are going through the turmoil and nitemare that we went through last year, onle because i can tell you that there is hope. I never imagined that things would turn around. He was so cold, so distant, so non-responsive last year. He has come full circle, and we are so happy.</p>

<p>Best wishes to all.</p>

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<p>It is wonderful to hear the OP's update. WIth 40,000 viewings, I think he may have hit upon a problem we all share. Your thread helped me through a first-term departure for our youngest one. </p>

<p>Thank you for sharing your concern and tracking it through the year.</p>

<p>It can encourage everybody, especially if they feel their great kid becomes removed or distant upon first arriving on campus, or get the vibe from a h.s. senior they can hardly wait to drop us!</p>