<p>"I thought I made it clear.....but let me say again, HE DOES WANT TO GO TO COLLEGE VERY MUCH. He totally recognizes his chances and opportunities and doesn't want to blow it down the drain. He wants to go into business and international relations (what he is going to scool for) and is very much wanting to still pursue that path."</p>
<p>For what it's worth, here's my story.</p>
<p>Older S, who is brilliant, and ADHD, and was an academic underperformer (SATs 98th percentile, unweighted gpa about 2.9 in a rigorous program that he chose, but didn't bother to study for) said he wanted to go to college. So -- since he also was disorganized, I did the work of finding colleges that matched his interests, and then standing over him to make sure that he got college and scholarship applications in on time so that he could achieve his dreams.</p>
<p>Once he got into a college, which occurred Oct. of his senior year, he basically checked out of school. For instance, he got a D first quarter in AP English (had an SAT CR 99th percentile), and had some other low grades. He didn't bother to go to the teacher conference that his dad and I went to because S claimed he didn't realize that his own presence was expected.</p>
<p>By second semester, my H and I warned S that we would no longer hold his nose to the grindstone. If he didn't graduate from h.s., it would be his problem. He managed to graduate and get grades that allowed him to keep his admission and scholarship.</p>
<p>Went off to college -- and first semester got a 0.46 (!!!!) gpa. S said he wished to remain in colllege, indeed he said that he loved college, but had had problems with disorganization. H flew to the college to meet -- with S's approval -- with S and his advisor, who lined S up with a workshop in organizational skills, and hand picked courses for S for second semester. S had scores and ECs that made him among the top freshmen in his class. He had skipped a year, so the college thought that with the extra help of his advisor, and organizational help, S would get on track. They even allowed him to keep his scholarship.</p>
<p>S then flunked every course second semester. He loved college: partying in college, doing ECs in college, enjoying the college town, and having his college win the national championship in the sport he's the biggest fan of. He, however, had no interest in college academics. </p>
<p>S -- had exceptional skills in writing -- and spent the summer working out of our state in an excellent paid internship related to his writing. Then, he moved to the other side of the country, where he got a 6-month writing job (that paid the equivalent of $31 k a year). They didn't continue him on payroll, however, at the end of the 6 months possibly because they didn't want to seem to be encouraging S to stay out of college. But there may have been some other problems, too.</p>
<p>S then went to live with a childless, middle aged relative who lived 3,000 miles from our home in a state that S liked. The relative did not follow H and my advice to have S pay rent, so S got used to living a cushy life without working, though he claimed to be looking for work. He spent his ample free time organizing a rock band.</p>
<p>About a year later, I accidentally found S's blog and learned that S had started partying heavily in college (S had never partied before. Instead, he had spent his free time working in a field that he enjoyed and was literally a prodigy in. He hadn't even gone to things like prom.) He had continued his partying life while living with the relative, who was very naive and also was bamboozled by S into thinking that he was just a sad guy because he had been neglected by mean parents. </p>
<p>Long story short: It took her a couple of years to wake-up. Meanwhile, S stopped talking to H, his brother and me. I was under such stress that I ended up in the hospital with chest pains, and was diagnosed as being severely depressed. </p>
<p>It wasn't until the relative retired and moved away that S got his act together enough to work a steady job, gt his own apartment, and apparently stop the partying life. A couple of months ago, H, younger S and I traveled to see older S for the first time in 4 years. While older S hasn't returned to college, he does seem to be living a stable life, and is acting kindly toward us again.</p>
<p>The lessons we learned by raising older S helped us with younger S, another smart kid who was an academic underperformer. After H and I took him to visit various colleges, we told him that applying to colleges would be his responsibility. We'd pay for the fees, but we wouldn't structure his time so he got applications in.</p>
<p>This S also said he wanted to go to college, but somehow didn't get around to applying although he spent hours and hours staring at his computer doing what he called working on applications. </p>
<p>After the deadlines for the colleges that he was interested in passed, S -- who had done extensive volunteer work, something that he enjoyed -- managed to get an Americorps position created for him.</p>
<p>He -- SATs 98th percentile -- also just barely managed to graduate from h.s. and his grades fell big time second semester. H and I had warned him that if his grades crashed senior year, we would not pay for his first year of college nor would we pay for his college apps.</p>
<p>He did a gap year living at home (We made him pay a reasonable rent and follow family rules that we felt were appropriate for an adult), and being an Americorps volunteer. He could have lived away from home, but after seeing how much apartments cost, decided to save his Americorps stipend toward college. </p>
<p>With no structure from parents, he applied to two colleges, and chose the one that was a private college that gave him some merit aid, but still, he had to take out hefty loans. His first semester average was a 3.66. His second semester average was a little lower, but he also was working 10 hours a week, an active in several productive organizations, including having been chosen to be on the board of a campus wide one. </p>
<p>Although both of his roommates were partiers, S didn't get into that life. He made academically-involved friends, and had a nice social life with people serious about their studies.</p>
<p>H and I will contribute to his education next year, and as long as he maintains decent grades.</p>
<p>S has a summer job that he found himself. As part of it, he (at age 20) had the sole responsibility for organizing a seven-day summer leadership camp for middle and high school students. The camp is occurring now, and is going well.</p>
<p>So... that's my story. I hope my hard earned lessons keep others from enduring the heartache that I had with older S. If I had it to do over, I would not have done all of the work of organizing that S so he got his college apps in. After he had such a dismal first semester at college, H would not have flown up to help him stay in school. Instead, we would have sent S a ticket to return home because it would have been crystal clear that he was not ready to handle the academic side of college, which is the main reason to go to college.</p>