What to do when your child feels like they are failing

Parents Forum
21

<p>My son graduated from MIT and he had support and help in virtually every discipline at some point in his career. I would be shocked if your D’s professors weren’t interested in helping her get the assistance she needs- informal, formal, regular or just before a test.</p>

<p>Your D may not realize that the professors can’t tell the difference between the kids working hard and getting C’s (if in fact that’s what she’s doing) and the kids partying all night and getting C’s. They aren’t going to approach her to let her know there are things she could be doing to improve her performance if they don’t know that she’s finding her performance problematic- a kid who is working hard won’t be a candidate for the professorial talk of “you have to buckle down”- the message will be along the lines of, “let’s figure out what’s causing you problems or taking up a lot of study time and see how we can fix it”.</p>

<p>Really. They don’t want her struggling-- they want her to be stretched-- to have to push herself, but not to the point of misery.</p>

<p>I think you’re being a great mom here. A lesser mother would have told the kid, “if you want to transfer, great. Just find a place that’s closer to home and/or cheaper”, or would have said, “if you’re not happy with your social life, we’re happy to have you drop out and come home, get a job at Starbucks, and you can hang out with your HS friends and go to parties at their houses every weekend.” It takes a good mom to try and help diagnose the problem and give enough support to see your D through a rough patch.</p>

<p>But now go take care of you… you can’t make her get tutoring or go to office hours or find a kindly TA who will provide a review session for her before the next quiz. And you certainly can’t help her socially other than to encourage her to get out of her room.</p>

<p>But you can take a walk; do your nails; rent Casablanca and eat popcorn; do something that is mindless and helps get your energy out of her misery and back to your own life. I feel for you.</p>

<p>Any chance you can spare $20 so you can tell her to go buy a few gallons of ice cream and some toppings, whipped cream, etc. and to let everyone on her hall know that on Sunday night after the parents are gone she’s having an ice cream party for herself? Everyone likes ice cream; there are bound to be people on her floor more miserable than she after the parents go home, or a kid from Sri Lanka or Uganda whose parents can’t visit-- ever. Maybe that will help her perspective a little.</p>

<p>One of my kids was homesick at college until he met the kid on his floor from India. The parents had put the kid on an airplane at age 18 and weren’t going to see him again until graduation. That sure cured the homesickness…</p>

22

<p>For her birthday, why don’t you order some balloons or flowers to be sent to her room? It’ll let other kids know it’s her birthday too. Some CC parents have even managed to have a cake delivered - I am not that good, I am just good at ordering.</p>

<p>D1 was very unhappy studying abroad this July also. For a month, every phone call was how much she disliked the place. There was nothing she liked about the place. That’s when I asked her to try to find a few good things to tell me on each phone call. As soon as she started to make some friends everything changed. Now she laughs about me asking her to say something good (to mock me, she’ll start our phone call with with the same drill). She is coming home in 2 weeks and she doesn’t want to leave now.</p>

<p>Adolescent girl’s emotion (likes and dislikes) fluctuates a lot, one minute she is happy, next minute the world is coming to end. I wouldn’t be surprised if your daughter talks to you most often when she is unhappy.</p>

23

<p>^^^true – we’ve all read posts on CC about how the kids call to dump and three days later, it’s like nothing ever happened.</p>

<p>That said, a 3.25 freshman year in a top engineering program is EXCELLENT. Clearly she is capable of doing the work or she would have washed out last year. Time to band together with others in mutual misery and slog through it. Would also expect that profs (even in engineering) notice if a) the student has improved significantly over the semester and b) clearly has been seeking help. </p>

<p>Part of this is also the perils of soph year. Kids who came into college supremely prepared may have had an easier time than expected and are only now hitting the point of Real Work. Kids who struggled last year just to get through may have already figured out what they need to do to stay afloat and may be coping better this year. </p>

<p>Ultimately, this is HER problem to solve. We can’t kiss all their boo-boos and solve their problems. They need to wrestle with them and grow from the experience. (This is why I come to CC. Am trying to restrain myself from offering S1 advice unless asked!)</p>

24

<p>^^^When I talk to my 85 year old mother about my boys and college she still reminds me that I called and called and called sophomore year and dumped on her and asked her to come and get me. I think sophomore year is tough. The fun of freshman year is over yet the kids can’t see the end yet. The classes get tougher and they get grades they maybe haven’t “seen” before. I vaguely remember that, but not the same way she does!</p>

25

<p>One thought, deb.</p>

<p>You might mention to your daughter that by seeking help, she may end up spending FAR less time studying because she understands the material better. My daughters and I have discussed this many times as regards study groups. One of the great things about study groups is that there is usually someone who understands a problem better than you. He or she can explain it to you, thus saving hours of your time of studying on your own trying to figure it out (and you may NEVER figure it out!) </p>

<p>I may be in the minority, but I think she should consider going through sorority rush. Many sororities offer tutoring help, and joining a sorority may provide an opportunity for her to make new friends. Girls in sororities at MIT have higher GPAs than those not in sororities.</p>

<p>My girls got LOTS AND LOTS of help while at MIT, and both had time for a varsity sport, a time-consuming music EC, and a sorority.</p>

<p>(They also failed tests, but they were always able to bring up their final grades to Bs.)</p>

26

<p>I typed up a big reply and hit send and lost it all!</p>

<p>First of all thank you to each person who has responded. It has been so helpful. This is my difficult demanding child and it was so good to talk to others who have been through this.</p>

<p>I talked to her today. I guess that she is going to fail math(it’s the course that comes after calc III). She said that she failed the first exam and got a 76 on the second. She says that there is no way she can get a C or higher. She claims that the adv on the test was a high 80’s to low 90’s. My H says this seems really high but maybe the test was easy. I don’t know.</p>

<p>The last day to withdraw from the class is Tues. I told her that she has to find out who her adviser is and get over there on Mon and withdraw. I told her no excuses, she cannot do nothing and fail. She has to figure this out. </p>

<p>On the social front I found out more information. Apparently she had a date last Friday. Although she talked to him on Sat. he has not called since. She is upset about this. I don’t want to brag but my D is quite attractive and is not used to the boy not calling, in fact I don’t think it’s ever happened before. But it’s a test week and people are very busy.</p>

<p>She does have plans for the weekend which I felt good about. A Vietnamese friend is taking her to his club meeting on Sunday. I guess that he won’t take no for an answer which is what she needs now and he sounds like a good friend. Friends who are also a couple are taking her out for dinner. </p>

<p>She’s shy and doesn’t always put her self out. I told her that she has to not be so stand offish and to tell people when she has problems. Otherwise they have no idea how she feels. It does seem that she does have study groups which is good.</p>

<p>She has to talk to her adviser and I wasn’t happy that she had no idea who he was. I told her that they were there to help her. She didn’t believe me. Kids. She has to figure some things out and grow up. This is all about maturing.</p>

<p>Anyways, thank you for letting me talk. It’s been so helpful. My H and I are going to go for a long walk tomorrow, for once the weather is going to be nice and no rain.</p>

27

<p>Someone chime in and correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t her advisor sign off on her course schedule each semester or schedule time each semester with her? Maybe your D goes to a really big school, but to not “know” who her advisor is seems very odd indeed. I’m not sure how the big Uniss operate so I guess she could potentially not have an advisor.</p>

28

<p>This may sound perverse but OMG, it feels great to know that I don’t have the only difficult D out there! </p>

<p>I’m delighted to hear that you are going for a long walk with your H tomorrow. The first time I left the house this semester to go somewhere with my H, and WITHOUT MY PHONE, (bad, bad mom) was like playing hooky in high school all over again, woohoo!</p>

29

<p>I’m sure that tutoring centers and support exist at your D’s school, if they exist at your son’s less selective school. That’s one of the perks of going to a more selective school, they offer more services to their students. </p>

<p>It sounds like you have a tough row to hoe with a daughter who’s too much in love with her own martyrdom. She needs to cut the drama if she wants to make friends and find some happiness in her situation.</p>

30

<p>Well, it sounds like it’s been a rough one for you. I know what it’s like when a kid gets stuck like that and you are just overwrought with worry and frustration. I hated the pain and I didn’t want to leave her alone with it, and yet I knew only she could find her way out. (Of course,this was h.s. and she still lived at home.) It was really, really brutal to let her be.</p>

<p>Things that helped: “I’m sorry to hear that, is there anything I can do to help?” </p>

<p>“What do you think you could do to make that better for yourself?” “What are your plans for today?” </p>

<p>Just putting her life back in her lap time after time after time. I found she would change things when she was ready, and she did. But, it’s still very hard to do. Good luck to you.</p>

<p>(As an aside, and nothing you need to answer on a message board, but have you looked into the possibility that she has a social anxiety disorder and not just shyness? I know you’ve asked her to “see” someone, but you can get a recommendation of a good psychiatrist from your home doctor and get her dx’d over the holidays if you think this is a “real” posibility.")</p>

31

<p>A little recent experience talking here:</p>

<p>Students who have always done well without extraordinary effort do not necessarily have the skills to handle academic struggles in college. And their self image does not include the notion of asking for help/going to office hours. This makes no sense, but I think it is not uncommon. The answer is obvious (learn new study skills, seek help, be disciplined), but the implementation is no so easy.</p>

<p>A student does not really know from the raw score how that score fares against the curve.</p>

<p>The difference between “understanding the material” and getting an A in a science class at a demanding school is a quantum level in studying and prep. Not all college students have the skills to do this work efficiently or the belief that it is necessary/possible.</p>

<p>To be blunt: if you do what you have always done, you will get what you have always gotten.</p>

<p>Engineering is not a walk in the park. </p>

<p>It is difficult to hear/watch this. You are your daughter’s outlet for venting, so you may be getting all the negatives. It may not be as bad as it seems when she talks to you, but that is all you have.</p>

<p>Our engineering student is a senior this year. He stuck it out, and it was the right choice for him. 50% of the engineering students who started with him have changed their minds and have left the engin school. Again: this is not a walk in the park.</p>

<p>I know this is tough, and I am sorry.</p>

32

<p>After D1 had a decent freshman year, we thought we were out of the woods. Little did we know how rough her sophomore year would be. So I can relate.</p>

<p>After living through her sophomore year, all we asked was that she graduate in 4 years with a degree! [and she did…]</p>

33

<p>^^^Yup, S (also a soph) called this week to say that Chicago is now well and truly kicking his butt. He’s loving it, but this is a new experience. He’s never had to pull late nights to get p-sets or papers finished. Last year went very well (with one small glitch) and we all breathed a large sigh of relief. Time for the pedal to hit the metal!</p>

34

<p>Yep. Freshman year is usually general science requirements in engineering (calc, diff eq, chem, Org, physics, etc.) Sophomore year starts into some tougher stuff, and lots of times thats where the going gets rough…</p>

35

<p>I’m having a hard time believing that there isn’t a tutoring center somewhere on campus. That’s why I asked what school this is. I would poke around on the website just to see.</p>

36

<p>

</p>

<p>I don’t understand that part either.</p>

37

<p>Sorry, I should have answered this. I was unhappy that she had no idea who her adviser was. She is mostly being a pain in the butt. I think that she declared her major this year and her adviser changed. She should be meeting with him. Honestly she is being a major PITA and I’m pretty fed up. Of course there is a tutoring service, she just is not looking into it.</p>

<p>Sorry if I can’t be more positive. I’m about ready to cut her off. That’s what her Dad has done. It’s not fun to be around someone who won’t help themselves and blames you for all of their problems.</p>

<p>I’m sure I’ll feel differently soon. I’m just frustrated and fed up. She is intent on being negative at the moment.</p>

38

<p>I guess what myself and the other poster meant is we don’t understand how she could not know who her adviser is. I’ve never heard of a student signing up for classes without having an adviser to consult first.</p>

39

<p>I am also surprised the OPs daughter would not know who her adviser would be. My daughter is at a big uni and her online enrollment has a hold on it every semester until she has seen her advisers (she has to see the regular adviser and the honors adviser). Until she declared a major her adviser was just a general adviser in her school. Once she declared she changed to an adviser specific to her major. By the way, if we had known how much more helpful the major specific adviser would be than the general one she would have declared way earlier!! Unless she meets with the adviser she cannot enroll for any classes (she can change her classes after she meets with them but that is another issue).</p>

40

<p>I don’t think it’s that odd not to know your advisor, depending on the school. I went to a large public school and didn’t even have an advisor for the first two years until I entered my major. Even after that, I can’t remember anyone ever approving my course schedule…you figured it out on your own. Looking back, I can see that this wouldn’t work so well for some kids!</p>

<p>Hang in there deb.</p>