What would you do if your D calls you saying she doesn’t like where she is?

[ST2]

<p>Cressmom - There seems to ba a more serious problem here. First I wonder how much your own attitude towards the school is effecting your D's. I am well familiar with the school and I seriously question some of your points.
1. You are never guaranteed a dorm placement as a freshman. That is why freshman year consists of adjustments.
2. Roommate - easy to blame the other kid - I am sure there are lots of other kids on the floor. If not, then possibly the problem is not the other kids.
3. That was an unfortunate situation. Mine had surgery last year at the same school and we were very happy with the treatment she received.
4. There are a tremendous number of student organizations that she could get involved with on campus. Ranging from community volunteering to athletics to special interest. I find it hard to believe she can't find any that interest her. Mine works as a tutor with inner city kids as one of her interests. The fact that she was not chosen for one of several groups happens. These are student run groups, where students are chosen on the needs of the group. There are many other groups looking for members.
5. From what I know everyone that wants to has the opportunity to play intramural sports. This again makes me wonder where the problem lies.
6. If she ran for a student organization and did not win - then that is why they have votes. The one with the most votes wins - no guarantee that she will win.
7. Not too much going on till spring - Totally different than our experience. If anything, mine always had too little time and too many activities.
11. Misses NYC - this could be part of the problem. If she makes this obvious with her attitude - I can see where she might have a tough time.
12. Complaining about the food. I have eaten on campus many time and have found the choice and quality of food to be among the best I have encountered on a college campus. Princeton Review has constantly rated it among the top 10 for college food. Fast food only - not from what I have seen. I have to wonder where she is eating.
13. Noisy at night - welcome to dorm life. After all you are sharing space with quite a few people. If it is really bad, she should talk to the RA.</p>

<p>The way I see it she has two choices. One - either an attitude adjustment or if that is not realistic then she should look for a place where she will be happier. As you mentioned, she is young for her class - possibly she was not ready to go away to school. I don't mean to seem harsh with some of the above, but you have to look at her points realistically. She needs to be happy with where she is and now she has to decide if she can be happy where she is and what she has to do to make that happen.</p>

[Cressmom]

<p>ST2, I won’t answer you if you continue to harass me, I didn’t chose to have a kid injured and didn’t have help when I most need it, if I were another person I would sue them for money and I never wanted that, I can pay the bills and I don’t mind to do it to get my kid healthy. I just asked for some kind of sympathy and advices, most people send me dentist numbers that help us find the ones who are treating our S, and I ‘d appreciated that forever. Having a surgery and having an accident are two completely different situations, my S had the best doctors, most of them out of network, and I’ve never said he didn’t get a good medical attention. And it is unacceptable that the university didn’t offer him any help until four weeks later when our last letter got to the chancellor; he doesn’t need it know, he just figured out to do everything by himself; he needed help when he couldn’t talk or eat and nobody offer him to call doctors or dentist when the SHS was closed for the Labor Day weekend.
My S is happy there even after the accident, he is very successful in everything he does, he loves the school, but my D isn’t happy, who are you to blame her for that?
She is only 17 years old and she had the worst time at school after this accident (1st week of classes), she had to miss all the activities to help her brother, a caring person would understand that.
Attitudes like the one ST2 is giving me are the ones that make unhappy kids in the school environment.</p>

[scmember]

<p>Cressmom,
Like you said your D missed some of the orientation activities that would have helped her make friends sooner. Give her some time--she seems homesick to me. My D is also young(16) and tried out for a couple a capella groups....she didn't make them either, but did join the chorus...maybe your D could do that. D is taking it for credit this semester, but not next semester. Your D may still be able to join if she wants to---just wouldn't be for credit(which isn't a bad thing)--she'll meet more people with her same interests if she does that. I know my D has a crazy schedule and often eats at weird times, maybe before your D goes over to eat she could walk down her hall and ask if anyone wants to join her. Also, as she gets into her classes more she's bound to meet some more people she could hang out with.
I wish her luck:) I'd try to hold off on the transfering ...your daughter is probably just going to take a little more time to find her group of friends and activities, but there are opportunities for her.
PS. The roommate situation(quiet/not social) could be a blessing in disguise--D has heard some stories of roommates waking up to other roommates in compromising positions--Your D's roommate situation could be much worse.</p>

[Trapper]

<p>ST2, I’m glad you are not my mother!
I wonder if you would love to live for months on college food instead of a good homemade dish once in a while.
I wonder if you always get along with everybody (the way you treat others it seems you don’t)
I wonder if you tried to audition and you if you have a rejection you didn’t cry.
I wonder if you have live far away from home missing your wonderful parents and friends (I'm an international).</p>

<p>Cressmom, we understand you, more than you think, and I said it from a student point of view.
Wash U is a nice place to be, but it is not perfect, there are also crappy people like in everywhere else. The list of students groups is large, but not always you could find what you like in your fixed schedule, that happens to everybody except ST2’D as we see here. New dorms are noisy not always because of the students; they just don’t have enough noise reduction insulation. It is normal for your D to miss home and it’s normal to complain to you, we are still kids playing to be adults, we need our parents’ sympathy and we need them right there in case we need them. Don’t pay attention to the harsh words ST2 always gives, she is the exception to the rule, most Wash U parents are nice.</p>

[doubleplay]

<p>It sounds like cressgirl's college experience got off to a horrible start. Anyone in that situation- whether it's going off to school or starting a new job- would feel dejected and demoralized to get hit with a string of disappointments the first week out, with no compensating positives. S--- does happen, sometimes for whatever reason you just feel like you're getting hit with the "big storm" and that sounds like what's happening with cressgirl. My oldest son's college experience got off to a smashing start- everything went his way. Younger's did not. Telling him to just get a better attitude like his brother would be unfair, because he truly did not have the easy introduction that older did. The best I can do is tell him, yeah your start wasn't as fortuitous as older brother's; that kind of sucks; maybe the string of bad luck is over now; hang in there.</p>

[Trapper]

<p>Scmember, good advice! I would like to join the chorus too! I did miss some of the activities and I regret it, but I did it because I wanted to go shopping instead, Cressmom’s D had no option.
I found a few kids from my high school here, and that helped me a lot to meet more people since there are many already closed groups, I wonder is she knew some students before she moved in besides her brother.
My advisor is great, I can talk with him at any time, maybe she should try to contact hers, although some kid don’t like their advisors or they find hard to meet them if they didn’t get an appointment for that.</p>

[cmbmom]

<p>I think (and am not positive because I am not in your situation) I would encourage her to finish the semester. She likes her classes, professors, and the campus. To me that is very positive. If she has too much free time, perhaps she could do some volunteer work on campus. Maybe put a sign on her door to form an intramural team for the next go round of sports? Or she maybe can use the extra time to start filling out transfer applications, things may get better but if they don't she will have the paperwork ready. Only you and she know what is best for her and I wish you luck with the decision.</p>

[cathymee]

<p>sounds like the family as a whole has soured on Wash U.Maybe its time for D and mother to move on to another institution.Brother,victim of the accident seems to not have the issues D and Mother have.
Cressmom..you never did let us know what the administrations response had been to your communications about your S, here you are saying the Chancellor's Office responded?
Like ST2,I've eaten on the Wash U campus and found it outstanding for college cuisine...theres lots more than just fast food.
From what I know about intramurals,especially dorm based ones, everyone gets to play .D who had never played volleyball before played on her ffreshman dorms team.
If Cressmoms D is in the quiet dorm, with a quiet roomate, probably no dorm situation will be quiet enough for her except a single.
I'm from NY and I like St Louis, as does D there in Grad School. Theres an interesting area right near the school, and easy access to other areas by MetroLink. Try the City Museum, its funky and urban oriented. If she likes Central Park, she'll like Forest Park. Theres plenty of ethnic eating places, including Thai,Indian,Vietnamese,Tapas....Any chain.big box or Mall needs she might have are available.
Perhaps Wash U just isnt the right place for D or this family.</p>

[AlphaOmega]

<p>Cressmom - First you had to deal with your son's accident and now your daughter's unhappiness. I know this has been very stressful for you.
paying3tuitions AND ST2, both, in their own way, had GREAT suggestions.</p>

<p>I am also a student in Danforth and want to provide you with some insights.
I tried to PM you, but it says your box is full!</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Your daughter DID get a modern dorm that she wanted, she just got a substance free floor that she didn't want. If you look at this one way, it is a blessing. No roommate or floormates who come home drunk and throwing up all over everything. No smell of smoke in your room, etc. If being around drinking and the party life is what she wants, all she has to do is go up one floor and it is right there in ABUNDANCE! You said in #13 that it is noisy at night. I can tell you from personal experience that it is TEN TIMES worse on a NON substance free floor. As someone said, earplugs work wonders! Danforth is a great dorm and I feel very lucky to be here.</p></li>
<li><p>Her roommate is shy and quiet, but she is also a lovely girl whom everyone respects and likes. Last weekend I saw her leaving the room early with a bowl of cereal and backpack on, and asked what she was doing. She said she packs her backpack the night before with everything she will need to study on Saturday and Sundays - that way she won't disturb your daughter's sleep when she leaves in the morning to study. MAN!!!! I wish that was my roommmate!!! Her roommate keeps her things neat and orderly and doesn't bother a soul. She is always smiling, is pleasant and greets you when you pass her in the hall. She is always willing to help anyone who needs it with homework. If you D thinks that is a bad thing, she is sadly mistaken. I also believe your D's roommate is a science/pre-med student. There is a HUGE workload that goes with those majors and a HUGE amount of studying required to maintain the GPA is takes to get into medical school. It is often better to have a respectful roommate you live parallel lives with. MUCH less chance of a blow up down the road. You also have to think that maybe your daughter was not the kind of roommate this girl wanted. It can be a two way street. They are just very different people, one not better or worse than the other. From outward appearance, they seem to be doing fine.
I can tell you that people think your daughter is beautiful and she seems to have lots of friends!</p></li>
<li><p>Your son's accident was a bad thing. I can't speak to all the particulars but I think as others have said that letting it go might help your D's mindset. Also, did your D ever go to anyone and say, "I need help with this". Even though it is not a huge school, people don't know what you need unless you ask.</p></li>
<li><ul>
<li>6. There are sports you just go to and play, that involve no tryouts. I play a club sport, which is a level up from intramural and there was no tryout. We just go and play. The suggestion of joining the choir for noncredit was a great one. I play an instrument and do it for no credit (don't want to stress if I have to miss a practice due to homework load!).</li>
</ul></li>
</ol>

<p>I do want to address the "too much free time" comment. I can't think of any WashU student who says they have too much free time. They are ALL constantly working to keep up with the intense workload. She can't do it this semester, but maybe she needs to take more hours if she is easily able to handle what she is taking this semester. Also, going to or calling the office that provides community service options might be a good idea. They have things you can do right there on campus - very rewarding work. She might be able to do something using her many talents to benefit someone else.</p>

<ol>
<li><ul>
<li>10. All very positive!</li>
</ul></li>
<li><p>Did she go into NYC alot? You can also go into St. Louis, or just Clayton very easily. It is a beautiful area with great shopping. Taking the MetroLink is free with the WashU UPass and Clayton is like two stops away. Very clean and safe. Just getting off the campus and shopping around a little does a lot to make one feel better</p></li>
<li><p>As someone said, WashU was ranked in the Top 10 out of the 4,000+ universities in the US for best campus food. I find if I take "parts" of different menu options, I can make delicious meals. Get some meat from the carvery station (WashU roasts their own meat and carves it on spot), pick up a freshly baked whole wheat roll (WashU has their own bakery - make all the muffins, bread, etc. on-site), pile the steamed vegetables on the side, and have some fruit for dessert! YUM, not fast food, and very healthy!!</p></li>
<li><p>I did buy an electric blanket - very cheap from Overstock.com. You could order it on-line and send it to her! </p></li>
</ol>

<p>I think we all adjust to college in different ways. Some of us call home and cry. Some study non-stop. Some become reclusive. Some even say they want to transfer. This is more common than you think. In fact, during orientation that lady who is in charge of freshman transition gave a talk about her book - Letting Go - and outlined MANY of the things you have listed your daughter as saying as being very common things parents hear from their students during the first semester of college.</p>

<p>Wishing your daughter all the best!</p>

[ST2]

<p>Cressmom - I never asked you for an answer and in no way did I intend to harass you. What I was doing was realistically answering the points in your post. I certainly sympathise with your situation and previously attempted to provide you with contacts at the school that you could turn to. As for the surgery I mentioned - it took place as a result of an accident on campus - so I think that the situation is comparable. I don't know where my attitude is a problem - unless realism is a problem. You might also consider the fact that many of the points made by your D are not uncommon among college freshmen. It is a very stressful time of adjustment for everyone - both students and parents. Some people adjust quicker than others. The question is how to best assist in the transition.</p>

<p>Trapper - 1. Yes I have lived for months and years on college food - which was a lot worse than what is available now.
2. I don't know of anyone that gets along with everyone. Some people you get along with - others you don't. If you look hard enough, you will find a group that you fit in with. If not then possibly it is a time to find a more compatible environment.
3. Yes I have had to audition and there have been times when I have not been chosen. How is this any different than HS - except there may be more competition. You will find that this same process continues in life. Sometimes you are chosen sometimes you are not. I give Cressmom's D a lot of credit for trying multiple times. With that attitude she will eventualy succeed.
4. Yes - I have lived far away from home and missed family. That again is part of growing up.</p>

<p>I wish Cressmom's daughter well and I am sure she will be successful in the end. She should finish the semester, see how she feels at that time and then decide what she wants to do.<br>
At this stage only she can determine what path to choose.</p>

[bookworm]

<p>AlphaOmega,
What a lovely, encouraging post.</p>

[cangel]

<p>Cressmom, you have gotten some great advice. For what it is worth, waaayyy back in the day I had a rocky, mixed start to college. Give her some space, and some time. If she continues to mention transferring, she has to do the legwork to make it happen, not so hard to do in this age of the Internet.
Your job is to be a sounding board, a listener. Listen to what she has to say, comment little. Chances are by Christmas the story will be entirely different, if not she can take steps to effect a change, and that is when you can be of the most help to her - once she starts the transfer process hersefl, then you can be supportive. I bet though, you are hearing the absolute worst side of all of this, she is happier than you think.</p>

<p>Best of luck to you and both your kiddos.</p>

[Trapper]

<p>Cathymee, when you have to deal with surgeries and insurance issue you don’t move on until everything is over, I know it because my brother was injured at college and it took a long time for all of us to recovery, remember this kid’s accident was a month ago and his physical scars are very noticeable. I think his parents are starting to deal now with bills and they would have to do it for several months. Rich people wouldn’t mind and they could move on faster.
Metrolink is great, but scary at night and no place to go alone, I wouldn’t try it and I wouldn’t advice a girl to go by herself, remember St. Louis is number one in crime in the US.</p>

<p>AlphaOmega, do I know you? D3 maybe? Don’t you remember freshman year? I know both girls, Cressgirl move in before orientation; she was with one of my friends from Singapore. Substance free dorms suck, most girls are antisocial and you know that, except the ones didn’t wanted to be there. I understand that having a very quiet roommate means you don’t have somebody to talk with at night when in bed, I would get very upset if I have to sleep without chatting, more if you need somebody to talk and the light is out when everybody else is having a great social time in other floors. I would complain about the noise for not getting the same around. I understand that. I would die if a have a roommate who goes to bed at ten and wakes up at 7 everyday, I hope that it isn’t her situation, and I guess were not because she didn’t complain about it.
I have a friend at Mudd who says she gets nausea every time she sees the spot where the kid got injured because his blood was all over until it rained down, does anybody think his sister could have the same trauma and it is difficult for her to move on? If a stranger to the family still feels that, it is very possible that she needs help dealing with this issue and maybe she is scaring to hell her mother with things like this.</p>

<p>No more CC for me, my test is getting closer…</p>

[doubleplay]

<p>I don't understand the concept of "substance free dorm." Is there such a thing as a substance allowed dorm? At son's U, alcohol and obviously illegal drugs are not allowed in dorms. If they get caught with it in their room or on their person- big trouble.</p>

[katliamom]

<p>doubleplay, in substance free dorms the kids don't use. In the other dorms, they just pretend not to. </p>

<p>OP, I'm sorry your daughter isn't happy. As a mom, I can imagine that would be painful. Maybe a transfer is in your daughter's future - maybe not, maybe she'll adjust & find her niche. Either way, right now, just be there for her, let her vent, commiserate with her and give her all the support you can muster. Let her know whatever she decides -- whether to stay or leave -- is fine with you. Unconditional love: that's what your D needs right now, and that's what we moms are here for.</p>

[newhere]

<p>I agree with katliamom. Maybe the girl needs attention; it seems her brother got it all.
She seems to be a great child, deserves to be happy!</p>

[Westcoastmon]

<p>Cressmom - your D likes the campus, likes her classes and likes the profs. What is she really at college for? These are the biggies! If she didn't like the classes, profs or campus I would be concerned. I talked to my D about a transfer just for that reason as she had a miserable first semester.</p>

<p>So, what if your D chooses to transfer? What if she does not like the campus, classes or profs at the new school? What I would like to suggest is that your D is 17 and just went through a traumatic event. What about taking the second semester off? Find a gap year program - there are threads about the programs on CC. Then, see if your D wants to return. Make the decision after she has had some time away from the campus. If she returns Fall 2008 she will be 18 and so will everybody else. That might make a difference. She could even sign up for a summer program at Wash U if they have them and make some friends before school starts.</p>

<p>Here's some more specifics, but if she was my D and 17 and had just gone through what your other postings described - well, it would be a gap semester, summer program with the U and a fresh start in fall 2008.</p>

<p>1) Substance free dorm - I know how your D feels. My D (at a different school) said no one wanted to be in the substance free dorm. Have your D contact housing to see if she can move to another dorm. There has probably been some shifting going on as people change roommates.</p>

<p>2) Quiet roommate. Wow! My D would have loved a quiet roommate. Her roommate was on the telephone every night for at least three hours talking to her boyfriend every night. My D said the roommate said the same thing over and over night after night. The one night my D asked her to take it outside the room (roommate used an internet connection as boyfriend was in Canada) roommate had a shouting fit. My D never felt welcome in her own room and often ended up sleeping in the student center or library.</p>

<p>3) This would be a bad situation for anyone. My D was sick the first week of school with a 100+ temp. Then, she got virus after virus. She was sick for about 2 1/2 months. This event was difficult for your D - but she learned she could do what she had to do. I know there are still on going issues, but your D had no control and her brother depended on her. Scary situation for any teen.</p>

<p>4) Not getting in the groups she wanted. My D auditioned for a singing group when she was sick. An award winning classical singer she couldn't croak a note. She was in no activities her first semester and really lonely. Spring semester she auditioned for an acapella group and was accepted. This year she sat through auditions - I think over 50 girls auditioned - they invited two to join. Many girls sang classical songs auditioning for this group. My D said that was not a good strategy. The acapella group sings pop. Your D should tailor her audition to the type of songs the group sings the next time she auditions.</p>

<p>There will be opportunities in the spring for these groups - she should try again. Lots of kids drop out as they find they don't have the time. Does not sound like a time problem is an issue for your D. Believe me these groups will see some fall out in memberships as kids realize they don't have the time.</p>

<p>8) Wow! She likes her classes and does well. Wonderful! Wish my D was as happy her first semester.</p>

<p>9) Likes the professors. Even better - these profs will be great references for her in the future.</p>

<p>10) Likes the campus. Great - wonderful to like the campus. Think what it would be if she hated it.</p>

<p>11) Does not like the city. My D does not like the city where she is either. She is used to a metropolitan area and being in an urban environment. It has made her appreciate her home city more. She says city what city about the city where her school is. At least your D is not in a small town in New England or the Midwest!</p>

<p>12) Food on campus makes her sick. My D had this issue also. She hated the food on campus. My D was used to high quality organic meats and produce. This year she made an appointment with a staff nutritionist in the Student Health Center. The nutritionist has helped her devise a plan for what she can eat. My D and her roommate have a small refrigerator and microwave. Roommate has a car and they have visited a grocery store to buy supplemental items they can keep in their room. This is a Big issue. Look into a meet with the Student Health Center nutritionist.</p>

<p>Eating alone - this happened to my D, also. Since she and roommate did not get along and she missed the orientation activities as she was sick she ate alone a LOT. She would sit with people, but she said while they were polite she never made friends that way. This is hard and I don't have any advice for you. It was not until the Spring semester that my D had friends.</p>

<p>My D didn't have time at lunch time to sit and eat either - her classes were in the middle of the day. It was a sad situation for my D who was also a very outgoing kid in high school with a large group of friends.</p>

<p>13) Can't sleep at night; noisy and too cold. Ok my D was cold - as the a/c vent was right above her bed this year. I bought a nice comforter from the Company Store in a bright color that matched her bedding. She was never cold last year. Problem solved. She says she is warm and toasty now.</p>

<p>Noisy - I thought she was in the substance free dorm and didn't like it. Talk to the RA about the noise. Are people partying or are the walls just thin? Most substance free dorms are quiet.</p>

<p>While I hate to suggest it there are the PM - I think Excedrin and other brands that might be an interim solution for not being able to get to sleep. There are also herbal remedies. This might be another one for the Student Health Center.</p>

[citygirlsmom]

<p>Sometimes our expectations are sooo high that nothing will ever reach them...as well, you have kids that never failed at anything, and bamm, college smacks you upside the head</p>

<p>At this point, if the D does want to transfer, she needs to work hard where she is so that she can indeed transfer</p>

<p>Kids through out this word transfer willy nilly, and don't realizes its a process- and you need to have done well where you are in order to go where you want to go</p>

<p>So, tell D, that transferring is a valid option, but as of now, she needs to do the best she can where she is with her eye on the prize</p>

<p>Ask her if she wants to go through that whole process of amplying again if she leaves now, it would be like starting all over</p>

<p>So, I would keep all options open, D needs to do research on the proceedures of transferring, grades, required, those accepted, etc</p>

<p>Of if she leaves school what options does she have then</p>

<p>Maybe she will learn to accept her current school, or maybe she will indeed still want to move, but now, she needs to do the best she can so she has choices</p>

[Alumother]

<p>If we rise up in our loving helicopters I think four categories emerge.</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Accident residuals. Only you know if you and your family are ready to let this go and move on. Only you and your D know if this incident will color her experience forever.</p></li>
<li><p>Physical comfort. College is not known for this. Food is bad. Well, yes. True everywhere. Cold, noisy. Well, yes, until you figure out your bedding and get used to being in a living environment with thousands of people who are 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, etc.</p></li>
<li><p>Missing social engagement options. She misses NYC - people and friends are everywhere. She didn't get into the things she tried out for. Here I have advice. D tried out for dance groups freshman year, having been a very good ballet dancer. Didn't get in. These groups focused on hip-hop. Oops. Fast forward to sophomore year, she tries out for the more lyrical group, is in hog heaven, dances beautifully if I say so myself, and is even now choreographing for the fall show and loving it and this new group of friends.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>It can feel like the first 6 weeks are your only time to get engaged and make friends. It can feel like everyone is now set for life. Let me assure your D that many of these new best friends will realize it is not the relationship they will take through college. She will have lots of chances to engage and make friends.</p>

<ol>
<li>School. Well, the school itself, campus, professors, classes, she loves.</li>
</ol>

<p>So, in sum, depending on the answer to #1, I would encourage her to wait it out this year and I would help her strategize to find her place. When my D failed at the dance auditions, I encouraged her to write for the school paper. Which she resisted. However, once she started, she loved it, and wrote a lot. That group was never her group of friends per se, but the newspaper offices sure made a great place to go hang if she found herself lonely and there were some kids on the paper she loved to pieces.</p>

[cathymee]

<p>AlphaOmega's post should be an eyeopener for Cressmom.She/he is on the scene,knows the roommate and the daughter.From their perspective, it doesnt sound as bad .They also gave encouraging answers to the problems.If D thinks the Metrolink is unsafe at night, take a daytime excursion.The problem probably is feeling she doesnt have anyone to do things with,not disliking the city itself.The dorm?Its too quiet or too noisy?
Trapper...maybe this family can't get over what happened to the Son, thats why I said maybe its just time for them to move on to another school.
Still would love to know from the OP what the administrations response was once she received one,and did she take them up on getting any help from them?</p>