Have you looked into any of the colleges listed on this thread? Run the NPC? Any that came within budget?
For your son, what’s more important: a “good fit” environment or being able to do a Barch?
My daughter is a junior at an out of state flagship, which she attends on a near full tuition scholarship. She had a 32 sat, very good grades at our small public high school. She is super happy at a school that few in our area had every heard of. We have experienced lots of surprised reactions, people give us the impression that they expected her to go to a more prestigious private school. But this is the right choice for us, having an open mind had really paid off. Her local friends moan about their student loans, while she had enough college money to buy a car and save some 529 funds for grad school. she is in the honors program. she has bright friends, challenging classes, and excellent grades. people in FL are shocked by the idea of home equity loans being needed to pay for college. it’s a different mindset.
the whole experience has just given her more confidence in her ability to make good choices and not believe what “everyone” tells you
When people say, “poor you, with 3 kids in college, how do you do it?” i am a bit embarrassed because our kids choices have made college financially comfortable. they each knew their budget and are sticking to it. my good friend whose child is at an Ivy is always worried about money. i feel so happy with our decisions.
I am sharing this opinion because i think it may hopefully help you feel better about making the decision that is financially best for your family
our family members are all now huge boosters of this school in our town, and several kids from our town have since applied. One of my sons is a happy freshman there now, as well. He admits that the favorable financial package was a factor in his decision, but he is thrilled with his choice.
All these suggestions about having your son visit the school and meet with people in his major, finding out if there are admission events tailored to his major are very good, hopefully his own personal experience of the school will make him happy to become a student there.
I would consider going to the state school first and then transferring later to the ivy.
I’m a high school senior with a pretty similar situation- my parents are upper middle class, where we don’t qualify for aid but can’t write a check for the sticker price of most universities. I live in California, and even the public UC system is 30k/year, which my parents will definitely struggle with paying because while their incomes are high (200k) the cost of living/taxes are so high in southern california that their take-home is much less, plus I have a younger sibling. While I understand the feeling of working hard in school and as though I ‘deserve’ to go to a more ‘selective’ school (33 ACT, 3.9 GPA) and most of my friends will probably go to expensive, highly-ranked private schools, I understand my parent’s situation and I know that
- Undergrad doesn’t matter as much as grad school, so it’s really just dumb to blow all your money on it if we’re being frank. In 10 years, it won’t matter where your bachelor degree was from.
- There are high-achieving students ANYWHERE, and it’s truly up to the student to find that environment and make the most of their college experience and opportunities. It’s simply not true to assume that there are not former valedictorians or national merit finalists at local state schools. Your son will find challenge and rigor wherever he goes, so long as he seeks it.
- MOST IMPORTANTLY, it’s better to be a big fish in a small pond than a small fish in a big pond. Especially if you want to go to grad school, it’s important to have a high class rank and GPA. This will make it easier for him to get internships, job recruitments, really anything. It’s better to be in the top 1% at Ohio State than be in the bottom 25% at Cornell.
Also, I hate to break it to you, and I don’t want to come off as rude, but your son seems a bit illusioned in his self-perception. A 3.6 GPA is not very high, and a 1230 SAT is okay- not great, not bad just okay. I think he needs to be a little more realistic in his choices and expectations, and understand that he is not intellectually above his State University- especially since he does not appear to qualify for the honors college either. IF he truly feels like he needs the challenge and that ‘regular’ students there are just not on his level, then he can apply for the honors college the next year. But I think he needs to look at the big picture, not just these next 4 years but the next 8, 12 or 20, he needs to think about grad school, about how he’s going to pay off student loan debts with an entry-level architecture job, how it will affect his family, etc. College is not an independent decision, it affects the entire family and he needs to understand that. I think he should visit, have an overnight trip there, and he will probably realize that there are people he fits in with and that the school has a lot to offer. Worst comes to worst, he transfers after 2 years if he really doesn’t like it that much, which will be a smaller financial burden on you as well.
ddeebaa – your post stopped me in my tracks. Are you sure you’re a student? You’re wise beyond your years. I agree with everything you wrote. My son is going to have to come around to the budgetary realities. Unless something really miraculous happens and he gets some big merit aid from top schools, it’s looking like the state school that he’s “dreading” will be where he stakes his claim. And he will just need to deal with it. Maybe in 20 years, he’ll be able to look back and say, “Thanks for not allowing me to have any debt.” Until then, I have to be smarter than him and see the forest through the trees.
“looking-down-on-the-local-college effect is probably very much at play here.”
I know someone from Massachusetts whose daughter looked down on UMass Amherst and instead went to UVM. I know someone from Vermont whose daughter looked down on UVM and instead went to UMass Amherst. Both daughters had gotten accepted to both schools. The two dad’s are friends, and are both paying about an extra $80,000 over four years because of the “looking-down-on-the-local-college” effect. Fortunately they are both doing it without any loans.
“In our house debt free or as close to debt free as possible is the only option. I will not take out parent loans and I will not co-sign student loans.”
Same here. I have been very adamant with regard to “no debt”. My oldest pushed back, but is now very happy that I made that restriction. My youngest dislikes debt at least as much as I do (and will have a little bit of 529 funds left after 4 years).
This thread brings back so many memories for me. 25 years ago I was determined to go an out of state school, that my parents couldn’t afford to send me to. My mother insisted that I apply to the local state college and I refused. The night before the application was due, my mother sat me down and forced me to fill out the application. The state school essay prompt was, “Tell us why you want to go to XXXX…” Being the sassy, obstinate teenager, I attempted to sabotage the application by writing passionately about why I didn’t want to go there and describing my dream school. I thought for sure they would reject me and I’d force my parents hand.
So of course I was accepted, and of course, I attended. Thanks to my parents, I graduated debt-free from undergrad, and was awarded a very generous scholarship and stipend, to attend my dream graduate school in an amazing city.
This parenting job isn’t easy, especially when you have to say, “No.”. Your son has worked hard. You and your husband have worked hard. You want to be able to send him to his dream school. You want your son to be happy. Right now he thinks that happiness hinges on going to a more expensive, rigorous school. It doesn’t. Will he be temporarily upset, disappointed, maybe even resentful? Yes. That’s okay. He’s still the kid and you’re still the parent. Teaching him to live within his means, to delay immediate gratification, and to work towards a long-term goal will have a far greater impact to his life long independence and self-sufficiency, than the temporary happiness that will come from getting to go to a more expensive school.
@redslp I bet that was a doozie of an essay!
One of the hardest things about this college process is that so many parents cave, they co-sign the loans or take out the parent loans and figure they will deal with it later. Sure, many saved but the statistics of student debt shows that many parents didn’t save enough or cannot pay out of pocket but still allow the kids to attend.
This has been really tough as out of my DD’s social group, we were the only ones that said NO to hefty loans, every other parental set took out plus loans and/or co-signed for their kids. Even tho many had been saving, my DD’s friends are at some very spendy schools and not one family is paying 100% out of pocket.
Is the state university where your H works in your same town/area? If so, that might be part of his reluctance to warm to the idea. My child could go to the school where I’m faculty, but I think we both don’t really want that. He respects and likes my school but wants to get out on his own. Not that this would change the budget issue, but it might be connected to your son’s current feelings. Perhaps an overnight visit as another poster suggested would help him see that the college experience could be separate from his “normal” life. Might he be worried, too, that his dad would be in his business? I’m sure my child would worry about that!
@thumper1 - Yes I am. Are you?
@SnowflakeDogMom- I’m sure it feels like the other parents are setting you up to be the bad guy. The same was true in my situation. My friends were going off to Syracuse, Clemson, Colgate, BC and Holy Cross and I thought I was being punished by being sent to the local state college. I got over it very quickly once I started school.
FWIW, I called my mom after reading this post and thanked her for all of the sacrifices she made for me to go to the state college. I let her know it was the best parenting decision she ever made. We laughed, reminiscing about the infamous college essay. Good luck with your decision.
I think it really depends on whether there’s a big discrepancy between the local students and the son. This is especially true if the student wants to major in humanities/social science where peer preparation is of the utmost importance (due to the discussion level being widely different). However ther are so many universities in the country, there has to be one that is relatively affordable and offers a good program for the major.
Student loans have become the new subprime mortgages of the 21st century. No degree is worth $120k unless it says M.D. next to it. More and more students are trying to excel in high school with parental pressure under the myth that an ivy league is a golden ticket to success. $150k later, the student is having financial problems and can’t make ends meet. I see it all the time. Sounds like he did well in school. Check out scholarships in other schools too. I know Alabama, Auburn and many schools in the south offer generous out of state scholarships.
It is not too late to apply to SUNY schools, which could be an affordable option for you.
Update: DS has heard from about 40% of the schools he applied to, and he’s gotten in to all of them so far. But we’re waiting on what the merit aid (if any) might be. Interestingly, the state school he decried before is now a very viable option. The obvious value and the lure of being debt-free (plus the gazillions of adults who’ve told him this is not something to turn down) has started to turn his head. If he got into his dream school and it cost $65k a year … there is just no way we could send him there. I’ve encouraged him to think seriously about taking the “deal” at the out of state school and looking toward a grad school he really likes in a city he really ants to be in.
That’s wonderful news, @WantWhatsBest. It sounds like your son is listening your advice and as well as other respected adults around him who is only thinking about what’s best for his future. When all acceptances arrive in a month or two, I am sure your son will not take it his decisions lightly. Our son took the full tuition scholarship (for up to 5 years) at a private university ultimately; there were other universities with higher ranking EE majors in his final mix of schools to consider, but they were all full pay. We’re thankful that our son did not have a dream school, and he was willing to look at all options before deciding. It was his decision at the end; we didn’t want to make the decision for him. We did tell him we were willing to pay, but not full pay bc there was a gap between what we saved vs what was expected. He is debt averse for himself and for our well being as well. (We have a 2 other children.) Prior to receiving the notice about the full tuition award, he also received several outside private scholarships so our out of pocket cost for his first year was the $500 deposit. He is loving college, doing well, and not taking anything for granted. Don’t be surprised when your son embraces his decision and not look back. Good luck!
@WantWhatsBest
Ahhhh, a kid who is listening, refreshing! 
My DS went to the state school cheap then onto his dream grad school (not cheap) best decision ever!
@cag60093 - Congrats! debt free should be the goal of all our young people, instead there is this “everyone has debt” mindset. I find that very disturbing.
Our DD has received a full tuition/housing award and that is where she will head in the fall. DH and I will pay all other expenses and she will graduate debt free. We are a little over halfway thru her gap year and she is seriously looking toward medical school, she thinks she wants to be a medical examiner. As she explores the cost of med school, she is FINALLY starting to see the value of a no debt undergrad.
D originally wanted to go to college in a big city. For various reasons she chose a college in a smaller town.
First summer internship - in that town. Second summer internship - NYC, with stipend and housing. Current study abroad - in the heart of the biggest city in that country. Final college summer - already has one big-city research offer and pursuing other possibilities.
He may not have to wait until grad school 
We’re building a spreadsheet and ranking the categories that matter most to him across the schools: dorms, student life, location, ranking, etc. Of those, the cost/value category is the most heavily ranked one. If School A checks all the boxes except fails miserably on cost/value, then School B - which may only check 50% of the boxes but one of those is cost/value – comes out ahead. He understand this concept. It doesn’t soften the blow, but I know he really gets it. I’ve told him unequivocally that a school that charges 47k a year (that’s with avg merit/fin aid) is still out of reach for us. Those four years of college are more expensive than what I paid for my house. Even if I wanted to take out loans for this, I don’t think I’d be able to. And he certainly wouldn’t be able to. Chipping away at it. It will be interesting to see what happens. I want this to be the best decision, but at its core, it’s the parents’ decision. Because we’re paying for it. Right? <<—she says insecurely
@WantWhatsBest Yes, other than the Federal Loan that your child can obtain on their own, all other funding dollars that are borrowed (if you co-sign) have the potential to become your burden, so yes, you can very well be the one paying for it.
For me it came down to the debt load, I just could not bring myself to saddle my kid with (co-signed loans) or myself with parent loans. My DD’s dream school was $50K a year, they offered no merit. Its just not worth it, no way, no how and we said no.
Your spreadsheet sounds really smart. We weren’t that smart in the beginning. We actually never should have allowed DD to apply to her dream school as there was no way, even with merit that we could have made it work and she was not really interested in pursuing other scholarships. I do view us saying no to that as a double failure, on us and on her. She decided to act entitled and we were clueless at the time as to how we were going to pay for this.