Daughter all set for a school in Iowa. Decides in last 48 hours she is not certain. Just visited St. Mary’s in Indiana. Which is literally across the street from her sister at Notre Dame. Not sure what input to give beyond financially what our budget is.
My dream has always been she would go to Notre Dame like her sister. She refused to apply. Then I read a journal that was in the garbage can only to learn, she was afraid of the process. Afraid of being measured standing next to her sister.
afraid she would struggle. But after a short mini vacation with her sister she wants to be closer.
I assume that she will be a freshman next year, correct? That she has committed to the school in Iowa? If that’s the case, can I ask why the tour of St. Mary’s now? In any event, you could call St. Mary’s and see if they are still accepting applications for fall admission. If not, she could always apply to transfer next year.
If she’s a rising senior, then she has plenty of time to apply to ND and St. Mary’s for admission next year.
At this point, it’s too late to apply for fall admission at St. Mary’s. She’d have to ask for a deferral at her Iowa school, apply to St. Mary’s, and take a gap year.
Has she said anything about wanting to attend St. Mary’s, or is that just what you inferred from reading the discarded journal?
Has she been acting like she has reservations about the Iowa school?
I don’t think I’d say anything unless she brought up the subject.
Are you opposed to her taking a gap year, if that’s what she wants, and starting the application process over again?
Would she discuss any of this with a therapist, who could help her address the underlying emotions?
FWIW, we had concerns about our hard working perfectionist child thriving at a school like ND; one filled with high achieving students. High school was hard on her. She worked very hard, did well academically, but suffered from anxiety, stress, and depression. She would say all she did was study.
We pushed for the best financial package, AND a school with academic diversity because we had a hunch it would be a better fit for her mental health. For part of junior year and senior year, she’s been seeing a skilled therapist, who has been helping her with a whirlwind of emotions, goals, fears, etc. Worth every penny.
She didn’t have INE application item sent to St. Mary’s?
They may be on rolling admissions…but the question is…are there still open spots for school starting this fall. Have you asked? They may have already filled their class.
While I get the being close to her sister, would being across the street from Notre Dame be a haunting thing as well? Would being closer just be a constant reminder that sister is at the better school and she can’t measure up to that? (I’m assuming ND is the “better” school.) If I am reading this right, the sister is already at ND, in which case she has likely made her group of friends and contacts, and being part of that may be harder than she thinks…she changed her mind after she had her sister all to herself on vacation. Different when you have to share sister with her friends and other life. I have two at the same school and they ended up quite independent from each other because of totally different pursuits and interests. Didn’t see that much of each other during the school year on the same campus at all, which frankly, was probably a healthier way for them. Still close as can be.
It sounds like cold feet and nerves before the big college move/adjustment? Maybe she will benefit from and grow from the discomfort of the Indiana school, yet a place where she can be her own person? And if she hates it can transfer? But to your question, do you say anything? You could prompt a discussion over a shopping lunch (that is always our best time to talk) and address her concerns if she brings them up. But I don’t think I would offer a solution to change things up out of the blue.
I don’t think a sibling at ND is a “haunting” thing at SMC–it’s not at all uncommon. D has many friends in that situation. My dream too would have been for D to attend ND like her brother, but she very much loves being a Belle.
Does your budget allow this? Is SMC full for fall? If you need aid, will they still award? They are an expensive school and they typically gap. The summer before freshman year is so stressful on everyone. Hugs to you all. It will work out.
She can place a call to SMC admissions on the off chance that they have space for the fall. Likely she would have to defer at Iowa, take a gap year, and reapply in the fall. Iowa and SMC are very very different types of schools so she needs to do some soul searching about what environment she wants for her college experience.
If she is afraid of being measured standing next to her sister as OP says, I too would think being across the street in the shadows of ND would be a daily dose of humility and perhaps not healthy.
If it were my kid, I’d have her go to the school she applied to and was accepted at. If, after a year, she wants to transfer, we’d ok that.
Making a change based on fear of the unknown or imaginary sibling scenarios is not setting a good precedent, in my opinion.
The school she chose makes sense since she chose it and you agreed; so, she’s stressing out over all the big change coming and this is how it’s manifesting. I’d be calm and supportive, stick to my guns and have her focus on preparing for her upcoming experience at the school she chose.
And stop reading her journals. They were in the trash for a reason. It did you no good other than to make you second-guess yourself about her.
Sheesh. So much drama with that statement. You’re her mom. Don’t say “I went through the garbage and read your journals and now I want to pick your brain about all your feelings.”
Do say “you picked a good school. I trust your decisions. I know it’s scary, but I think you should stick with it and see where it leads you.”
There was a student that applied to ND and she didn’t get in so I suggested SMC to her. She called them to see if she could apply and they said yes. They still had openings. She applied after all the application deadlines and she got in with a huge merit offer. So it isn’t too late to ask. It definitely never hurts to ask. If your daughter already applied and got in and is changing her mind, she can still ask if she can get in. Either way, definitely call and ask. The worst that can happen is they say no. You could also ask if she can get in for the spring if there are no spots for the fall. Good luck!!
Its okay to change your mind. Students do it all the time. Its much better to do it sooner rather than later - in my opinion.
My oldest will be a soph at UND. Youngest has always been in sisters shadow academically but excels athletically and is an artist with different Friend group.
As this story plays out I believe she regretted not applying at UND with middle of the road ACT for UND. She also initially wanted to run track at the small school in Iowa.
Once the state meet rolled thru in mid-may she realized she is closer to D1 competition than she realized.
Her anxiety has never been an issue but I believe she lacked confidence. The cost of St Mary’s is slightly higher than her initial school of choice. We are waiting to hear on acceptance and if she qualifies for merit/FA.
A gap year is possible but she does not want to consider at this point… At 18 she realizes, she needs to be committed to her plan. If St Mary’s package is limited she still has other options.
She has received several letters from schools she declined that are still showing interest. She also had several D1 schools interested for track that are state universities. Her GPA and ACT are high enough that our costs with track and merit would have been under 10,000. But she said no way!
With 1 month to go… I’m quite tired of thinking about will she or won’t she. Giving her the numbers and saying make a decision is the best I can do. I will support the decision within the budget allowed. Anything else… She will have to figure out the difference. And find a way to use her talents and put skin in the game.
Tell her to go to her planned Iowa school. She will be much better off not being close enough to her sister to be disappointed when said sister is too busy for her. Also, she will spend her first months as a new freshman getting to know her place instead of spending time away because she is off campus visiting.
I outshone my older sister academically and we went to different schools. I think it is important for D2 to have her own life and not be anywhere near her sister’s turf. IF she goes to the Iowa school and discovers her academic needs are better met elsewhere then she should transfer later. The grass will always be greener, there will always be the other path… If things don’t seem idyllic at a new choice she will always regret dismissing the original choice.
Many students have second thoughts as the big day approaches. I would tell her not to change now.
What was the child’s dream? Honestly, your dream is just that - a personal opinion that hopefully was never expressed to the child. Being a younger sister, I dislike any comparison with an older sibling. The younger child isn’t a little version of an older one. Is ND a family school (legacy) or just the college the big sister attends? What college would your younger daughter have chosen without the influence of big sister? Similarly, what would you have written about ND, without the big sister?
What precipitated the visit to St Mary’s at this late date? This is odd timing and just an odd thing to happen. The Iowa school actually sounds like an independent decision but now it, along with this whole issue , have been placed within the context of ND and big sister.
(btw, I realize it’s near impossible to take the big sister out of the picture but she seems to dominate the posts)
I would put my foot down and say she’s committed to the Iowa school. She chose it for a reason. She never finished her application to SMC so she was never admitted. She made that decision long ago. Now, if she has been admitted to other schools and is reconsidering among them, I would probably have her call but I refuse to relive the entire college application process.
Last, I don’t even want to know how my children would react if I read a personal journal they threw away. The only possible upside to this scenario is maybe my children would take out their own trash so I wouldn’t invade their privacy.
I don’t think at a school the size of ND that having a sibling there will cause the younger student to feel overpowered by an older sibling. My kids of course went to the same high school and many didn’t even know they were sisters. They did not want to go to the same colleges, and don’t, but both realize it wouldn’t be a big deal if they did. I know cousins who attend and like have the familiar face around.
Good luck with this. It seems exciting and nauseating all at the same time. I agree. Things change. Luckily she has the options to work with. There is an end time to this. You’ll know when you plug the school address into your GPS and off you all go. (Or write the check or book the plane tickets…) Good luck to you and your daughter.