When to play the parent card on the college decision?

Parents Forum
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<p>This might not be an issue. We had/have a similar offer with our kids: big pot of money could all be spent on undergrad, or you can take a less expensive option and use the leftover money in many interesting ways. D1 went for the $$$ school and has not complained when she has to be frugal (e.g. no big shopping trips or taking advantage of interterm study abroad options). I’d even argue that having to watch her budget like a hawk and taking on a TA job for pocket money has been a net positive for her. </p>

<p>Study abroad was, as mathmom said, cheaper than staying at her regular school, but I think that’s because D1’s school (which is also mathmom’s S2’s school) is a $$$ school.</p>

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<p>So look on this as a way to keep him OUT of law school! He’ll decide he doesn’t want to take the loans, and voila, he’ll do something else. :wink: :D</p>

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<p>My son is living the consequences of going to a school that stretches us to the limit. When things go wrong, the leeway isn’t there, and things do and have gone wrong. So he’s learning and has learned. And I mean really learned. He took out a loan to pay for some of the unexpected expenses that came up since we were up to the wall in what we could pay for him. And he’s working on paying this loan off before graduation. Not easy. His friends who stayed local are flush with funds and can really live a pretty high stylin’ life during the summers while he has to pound salt and work the hours. So, yes, he is learning. But I doublt he would have “gotten it” just from my pointing it out to him. He wanted to away to that school, and it was within the budget though way up there, and I think there would have been regrets and resentments had we reneged on our part of the deal. Instead, he has matured and learned. </p>

<p>One very good thing that has come out of this is his total change in perspective about commuting to a local school, as he feels the pain of paying for sleep away college, and sees his friends/peers doing just fine here. Also he has had to learn to manage his money since things are tight for him. Not so for those who are now rolling in it, and they may have issues when they are out in the work world on a budget. Both my boys who have/had to watch funds and spending carefully are learning a whole way of living that their peers living high on the hog have not. I see some those locals regualrly at the Starbucks, local restaruants, going places and doing things that are up there in cost. I also have older kids, and I can tell you that in this world we live in, it’s really hard to cut back on those entitlements we create. My two older ones really had trouble breaking themselves from the old swipe the card to buy whatever we want. They were kids who had more money than they really needed for college and now living on a dime is very tough. Counting the gas miles, no stopping at fast food, grabbing a sub or breakfast sandwich, making ones meals. Yeah, a few years of that at a school you could barely afford does train you well. And getting used to those amenities is just too easy. So there are benefits to having to live a bit tightly especially when it is going to have to be a way of life after school.</p>

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<p>I really do not get this thing of offering a new car as a bribe. Aren’t there things of more value? I guess it is just me…</p>

<p>BTW, I concur on the study abroad finances. It does not necessarily cost more.</p>

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<p>When I was choosing colleges, my dad offered me $1000 cash to go to the state flagship instead of the expensive private. That was a nice piece of money back then. He was mostly kidding, I think. I didn’t take it.</p>

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<p>If I read the situation correctly OP you are able to pay room and board and in state tuition is covered by the GI bill. If S wants to go out of state or private, he’ll have to get scholarships for tuition otherwise it’s not a feasible scenario - you’ve only promised to pay R&B. If you are not going to cosign loans for him the situation will take care of itself - he’ll either get scholarships to cover the costs or decide the instate school is the choice.</p>

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<p>I want to add that things can get rough at college for young people, as life does. It’s their first time really living on their own and having to take care of all sorts of things. The demons of depression, and other mental illnesses rear their ugly heads, hopefully to be outgrown. Sex, drugs, drinking, discipline, social interaction, emotional hurts all occur without mom and dad and a familiar home to assauge it all. Subject matter can be far more difficult than high school’s and the profs may not care a whit about you. Arguing a grade or antying can just get the door slammed in your face, and mom and dad can’t easily intervene. </p>

<p>It’s a big plus when they made the choice of the school, that they are getting their way and are not suffering mom’s choice, beilieve .me. Kids tend to blame parents for many things, and when it’s clear that the kid chose that college with mom and dad hesitant, ti really is extra impetus to make it work, whereas when they really did not want to go there anyways, half hearted attempts to solve a problem or more likely to occur. It’s great when they are all revved up and excited about going to college instead of going to the school parents insisted on them going.</p>

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<p>my S wanted to choose a lesser tier school. My wife and I didn’t understand why, but he finally admitted that he wanted to save us a bunch of money, even though we had saved and told him we could afford wherever he got accepted. We found this refreshing and were so proud of him. Sure beats the entitled attitude of so many of today’s kids.</p>

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<p>I agree with dusktodawn #27.
will it be a Post 9-11 / GI Bill cause that pays Tuition, Room & Board, and Books. My daughter is using my husband’s GI Bill.</p>

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<p>Wait until all the offers are in. Also, volunteer some of the saved money for law school if a a car isn’t what motivates him.</p>

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<p>OP,
If the problem is that you are not sure now whether you can afford to pay for the original deal, then I think it is fair to discuss this with him, and renege on the original offer, because you made it before knowing that r&b, etc. might be taken care of, and he still gets to go to live-away college.</p>

<p>Imo, telling your S that you will pay for r&b when you think it is a static expense regardless of where he were to go, is different from telling him you will pay for r&b when you know he can get that covered with scholarships, too.</p>

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<p>I think you are stuck.</p>

<p>Okay, maybe not. You can try to persuade him to make a different choice by sweetening the pot and/or reasoning with him. And it could be when all the acceptances and scholarships have come in, he may make a different choice. </p>

<p>If it were my kid, I would stick to the original deal, but also lay out for him why a different choice would also be a good choice.</p>

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<p>you know, things change, some here are giving way to much power to 17 year olds when they have no idea what money is all about yet.</p>

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<p>dusktodawn, though your child chose a less expensive school, you told him that you’d saved enough money to afford him going wherever he was accepted. Now you’ve written “some here are giving way to much power to 17 year olds when they have no idea what money is all about yet”. So I’m honestly puzzled: if the parents are allowing a child to make a choice subject to their budget, why is that a problem?</p>

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<p>I didn’t see where OP now can’t afford what she said she and her husband would pay. IF that is the case, then that just has to be put on the table. My understanding is that she does not want to pay, now that there is such a good deal available. Parents still would be willing to pay if no other solution but with the free ride right there, they don’t want to put out the money.</p>

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<p>OP, just wanted to add that some colleges participate in the “Yellow Ribbon” program. That may help the budget if he chooses a more expensive college.</p>

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<p>You are still his parent. You didn’t sign a legal contract to give him the money. If it were me, the alternative school would have to be pretty darn special to give up a full-ride option. Then again, we didn’t suggest to our kids that the money we’ve saved for college was “theirs.” We said we are willing and able to help but that it would be up to them to find the best deals and follow through on them. I understand his desire to spread his wings but that comes at a high cost to his parents.</p>

<p>I agree with those that said to wait a bit before worrying. See what other offers come in. He may feel differently when all the numbers are actually lined up.</p>

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<p>Thankfully, we can still afford what we originally said we would. (IreneTeam: I keep forgetting that the Post 911 covers room & board, so I guess I really am over-thinking the money aspect. Building budget sheets would help me remember that as well! And I’m even an accountant!)</p>

<p>I agree with learning hard lessons and living with decisions, just the free ride with leftover cash towards grad school is pretty appealing to us as adults even if the teenager can’t see it. </p>

<p>And cptofthehouse, these thoughts have occurred to me too! If things don’t go well, it would not be because mom picked the school based on price! A dose of real world budgeting and time management would not be a bad idea.</p>

<p>Whew. I really appreciate the comments and points of view. It is so easy to get bogged down and borrow trouble, especially while we wait for acceptances/rejections. Who knows, while he is a great kid, there are lots of great kids applying to lots of great schools, so he may not have as many choices this spring anyway. Not that I want his heart broken, just that is reality.</p>

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<p>But backing out of a previously agreed promise without a good reason (e.g. family finances unexpectedly got worse) sets a poor example.</p>

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<p>I agree that you have time. Until offers come in, you don’t really know what the cost differences will be, right?</p>

<p>If you really intend to honor your promise, you can definitely still help him make a good choice, with spreadsheets showing future loan payments, summer work vs summer fun or cool unpaid internship, etc. </p>

<p>Good luck :)</p>

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<p>I went to college 2 years early, and at first my parents did not want me to go. I spent a lot of time in discussion with them, showing them how and why I thought it was the best thing for me. Eventually they agreed with me, and chose to sacrifice two remaining years of seeing me grow up on a daily basis for the sake of my own growth and happiness.</p>

<p>Then, as the date of departure approached, I began to get cold feet. They could easily have exploited that opportunity and convinced me to stay at home. Instead, they reminded me of all my prior arguments in favor and lovingly got me back on track, even though they did not want to lose those years with me.</p>

<p>I will always love and respect them for that, for remaining committed to a situation they had agreed to, and that they knew that I wanted despite my last-minute doubts.</p>

<p>I appreciate that you are taking a holistic view of your son’s entire college career. It’s very smart to be thinking about it in terms of the combined cost of undergrad and grad school and trying to make the best financial decisions. All of that is reasonable. However, I think it’s premature to whip out the “parent card” now. Wait until he has decisions from all of the schools he has applied to and is weighing the final decision.</p>

<p>And even then, consider framing it as a discussion instead of a trump card that overrules all. “How much more will that OOS school cost with the aid you are able to get? What are the pros and cons of that school vs the in-state full ride? Are the pros worth the extra cost? If so, what explains or supports the value you are giving them?” etc. </p>

<p>Socratic parenting…it can be marvelously sneaky. This is precisely the technique my parents used to reorient me to my intended path when I was having doubts. :)</p>

<p>Finally, I’d like to add that some of your concerns may be exaggerated (e.g. added cost of summer semesters, semesters abroad) In college, I was able to parlay a work-study job during the school year into a full-time position for the summer that paid my living expenses. Also, many foreign programs are the same cost as staying on campus, but even better, there are many ways to actually save money while abroad if he is willing to do a little extra leg-work. Many foreign universities have minimal or even free tuition, even for foreigners. Many home universities in the U.S. are happy to charge their standard tuition rate for these same universities and collect the difference as profit. (Shenanigans!) Savvy students can put a little work into booking their own program and ensuring the credits will transfer, and save thousands of dollars by doing so. </p>

<p>To sum up, it seems like right now you have a touch of “Let’s Make a Deal” syndrome. Have you ever noticed that when a contestant is on the verge of winning a very big prize, the host will whip out $500 cash and say “I’ll give you this cash to stop playing the game right now”? </p>

<p>The game isn’t over yet, and for all you know your son may get even better deals from the schools he has yet to hear from. Don’t be bamboozled by the $500-aka-full-tuition-in-hand, play on and play to win! The beauty is that, unlike Let’s Make A Deal, eventually all the prizes are revealed and their monetary value is known, and you simply make a choice between them.</p>