What is your plan with respect to him if you withdraw funding for the current college? Choices have consequences, and it is better if you understand the consequences before making the choices.
āAlso, you do know almost every college kid shares their GPS location 24/7 on Find My Friends and Snapchat? Kids donāt care.ā
Not in my world. They do care. My own would be very pissed off. I feel like you are trying to justify your snooping.
Well, you are snooping and it isnāt changing anything, right? So, back off on that front.
@sushiritto please donāt take anyoneās comments out of context. Here is the paragraph in which I recommended therapy for the OP:
āIf I were you I would make my relationship with my son a priority. Get some therapy yourself. Many of us have had a variety of challenging situations with our kids (believe me) and benefited greatly from therapy.ā
And maybe quote the rest of my post instead of distorting my tone and content.
ps the OP is seeking help, and a therapist will be way more helpful than us random parents online
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Iām confident his friends have no idea of his marks. And isnāt it also possible they think heās good time charlie during college - and as they start solidifying career path and grad school, and go their direction, heāll be unable to keep up and fade out of their life? The goofball pal from college nobody talks to anymore.
And please stop with the hyperbole that we demand he become a Rhodes or Fulbright scholar or weāre done paying for higher ed. Thereās a lot of room between setting the world on fire and being a pathological lying immature slacker squandering away college.
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My advice is to decide exactly where in between those extremes you are willing to continue to pay for school, communicate that to him and go from there.
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I agree with this completely. Be clear about your expectations. It could be a 2.5 GPA with no Ds or Fs to start. Son responsible financially for any retakes. If the GPA threshold canāt be maintained, then home to work and take courses at a community college (or whatever you want that to look like). Set the bar. Follow through on the consequences. Donāt make it personal or emotional.
Depression can manifest itself in a wide variety of ways. Sometimes itās the actual illness, other timeās it could be a symptom of something else. He might very well have severe depression. ADD could also be the culprit, which would just about explain all of the described behavior, including the addictive video gaming. Heāll need to see a psychiatrist to get diagnosed. The medicine can make a significant difference.
āA pathological lying immature slacker squandering away collegeā
Is this being written from under a bridge?
Mean.
I have to think OP is getting some pleasure from yanking our chains.
Or maybe the kid posting.
@compmom Out of context to you, thatās your opinion. But not IMO. I thought it was rude. Yet funny at the same time.
" The goofball pal from college nobody talks to anymore.
And please stop with the hyperbole that we demand he become a Rhodes or Fulbright scholar or weāre done paying for higher ed. Thereās a lot of room between setting the world on fire and being a pathological lying immature slacker squandering away college."
Iāll stop my hyperbole when you stop yours. You STILL havenāt posted a single positive thing about your kid.
And my goofball pal from college retired in her 40ās. Leveraged her extreme extroversion and fun into a āstarterā job in PR and Event planning, and āmade itā from there. While the rest of us were in grad school, she was getting promoted in a tough industry and being groomed for leadership roles.
This isnāt a real parent, imo, looking for real advice.
You are understandably worried, anxious, frustrated and angry about the situation with your son. I do wish you could come up with 3 things that ARE good about him. It would allow posters to be able to help you more.
Years ago (early elementary), I used to spend all day working wishing I could be home with my kids. Iād then come home and Iād seem to spend the few hours nagging, yelling, fussing at them. It was so depressing. Finally, I sat them down on a good day and said āI hate that I have been yelling at you all the time. But this is why. I am scared. I am worried that if you donāt fix your behavior now, bad things will happen. (child A) - Iām afraid that you will grow up to be a person nobody likes and wants to be around. (Child B ) - I am afraid if you canāt learn to control your anger and stop hitting your brother, you will wind up in prison. That may sound extreme to you, but I am really worried. Please, letās get this under control now. I want to come home and enjoy the time I spend with you.ā We had variations of this conversation several times over the years. It does seem to help.
I know itās a bit late in the game, but I think you need to really sit down and have a heart to heat talk with your son - no nagging, accusing, emotional outbursts. Ask him if heās happy with the way things are going. If no, why not? If yes, tell him about your fears. After college - if he graduates, you are afraid he will not be able to find a job and support himself. You are afraid he wonāt become a happy, productive person. See what he says. From there, set clear and reasonable expectations. If he really struggling? Does he not like his major? Or is he happy with his 2.0 and think itās fine? Donāt assume itās the latter, BTW. But if thatās what he says, itās perfectly reasonable for you to say that itās NOT OK with you. You know he can do better, and you canāt continue to prop him up all the time. Suggest that you expect X.X next semester. If not, then this will be the result. Go back and forth until you come up with an agreement you both can live with - and stick to it.
Did you really mean 82%?? What is your source for that? I looked quickly and found an article suggesting the absolute highest rate of college grads moving back home was close to 50% in Manhattan but that in general that % was close to 30% nationwide.
If I were you, I would have an honest talk with my son. Let him know that Iāve been checking up on him and that while I am happy he is at his dream school, he needs to do better in order to stay. I would only focus on grades and tell him that I expect that he will raise his GPA or I will no longer fund him at his present University. I would give him until the end of Spring semester. (I assume if he doesnāt make a high enough GPA he wonāt be able to declare a major) I would remind him that he is an adult and he needs to figure this out on his own and then I would DROP IT. I wouldnāt check up on him or worry about clubs or the way he spends his free time and not give one thought to appearance.
I would put thought into what is going to happen when he doesnāt bring up his grades and whether no college or cheaper college is going to be the choice. But the most important thing would be to let it go after you give the terms- let him take responsibility as the adult that he is.
I havenāt posted here yet, but if the OP is a parent the tone and content of her comments breaks my heart.
Of course it is ok to not continue to pay for poor grades and I urge you to clarify with your S immediately what the expectation is sooner rather than later. Allowing it to go on this long is tacit approval, and any change in expectation is likely to come as a shock.
With that said, should college not work out I just do not see it as an option for this kid to live at home with this parentā¦a parent who seemingly can not state anything positive or lovable about their son.
IMO It would not be healthy for the S to live at home, with his behaviors being judged, receiving financial support which will undoubtedly come with expectations, and his whereabouts being tracked. I echo the poster above who suggested OP get some counseling to deal with this misplaced angerā¦OPās behaviors during her sonās HS years were integral in creating the current situation.
I wish both parent and son the best of luck as they work thru the situation and hopefully find a path forward.
The student knows how to turn off phone tracking if he desires. It really isnt that big a deal, and I know plenty of adults who use it with other adults for safety, convenience, etc. Yes, living at home should come with expectations, because that is the real world for adults. Only little children are supported full time regardless of their efforts, talents or behavior. This man is an adult, time to expect that he act like one. The world is going to give far harsher judgment than his parents soon.
@sushiritto, I donāt understand why a suggestion for someone with a significant problem to seek therapy should provoke either anger or laughter, unless you see therapy as something that should be stigmatized or ridiculed.
Therapy is for getting both empathetic support for oneās situation and insight into how oneās own choices help create/maintain/impact the problem. It helps a person see situations more clearly and to develop a wider range of responses than the same old reactions that havenāt worked in the past. Therapy starts with the assumption that everyone (including therapists themselves) lack perfect insight and objectivity into oneās own problems and that everyone can benefit from help when embroiled in a tangled personal problem. Seeking therapy is not something to be ashamed about.
If OP is a real parent, s/he is clearly suffering and frustrated, even if the reaction to his/her child is extremely harsh. When a parent cannot describe a single good trait of thier child, something is seriously wrong. And whether or not the son is suffering (or just a happy-go-lucky slacker at the moment) the parent/child relationship is suffering. He canāt thrive in the presence of this parent, with this level of resentment and disappointment. Itās not a healthy dynamic. This parent needs help far beyond what we can give here. Suggesting therapy is an appropriate response.
So whatās insulting or funny about that?
No. Youāre missing the point.
To you, yes, itās an appropriate response. To me, no, itās not. Look, Iām not here to argue my opinion of a post. It is what it is. I know how I feel or felt when I read it.
Iām with @blossom and others who find it very sad that you canāt seem to post even one positive trait or comment about your son. Not one.
Please start thinking about the positives because that is what will be his growth area.
You seem to want him to fit a mold that you have decided is right.
You knowā¦if you do not want to pay for him to go to college then just stop.
Is this an only childā¦or do you have other kids? Whatās the deal here?