<p>Vladenschlutte, you have NO IDEA what you are talking about.</p>
<p>^^ because this is cc and it is inconceivable to many of us that out children might not be the brilliant people we thought they were. So, the problem must be something besides ānot as stunningly brilliant in all aspects of lifeā as we thought. </p>
<p>HOWEVER, mental illnesses are far more common than many/most of us want to admit, and they often manifest during the late teens/early 20s. Personally, I think ALL of us ought to have our kids screened for mental health issues as frequently as we insist on physicals. If OPs son is exhibiting unusual behavior, all the more reason to have him evaluated.</p>
<p>Ordinarylives, you are spot on. I have a dear friend who has battled depression most of her life, but it got much worse when she was in her late teens/early 20ās. Unfortunately she had parents who did not know how to deal with it and she never got the help she really needed. It wasnāt until she was in her 30ās that she was able to get the right treatment by the right people and finish her education. Letting go of jobs, school and sleeping half the day is practically textbook depression, though of course it can be other things. Iām glad OP is pursuing the possibility, especially since they mention the son being on depression meds in the past.</p>
<p>I know that the TC didnāt describe a problem with learningā¦ Sure, Iām absolutely not educated in the subject matter, but Iām completely willing to say that the level of āget them tested for a learning disabilityā is insane.</p>
<p>@VL - While I didnāt suggest an LD and this doesnāt sound like oneā¦ My DS17 has ADD and sometimes parents donāt connect the dots until someone suggests that they get their child tested.</p>
<p>Forgetting to pay the rent and getting fired happen to kids who are absent-minded or overworked and stressed. Sleeping past noon seems fairly normal for a guy this age. (MY daughterās boyfriend just slept until 6pm!) Flunking the class at the same time, though, kind of tips the balance. Itās not that hard to figure out if he has ADHD of any type. In fact, there are questionnaires online. A family MD can diagnose. A full neuro-psych. evaluation could identify or eliminate other issues, but might not be necessary. But I agree this could be anxiety about graduating. To me, the situation is not that far out of the normal range, honestly, but it is outside.</p>
<p>I donāt know very many kids who graduate on a clear path, even those graduating from top colleges. I read that 82% of college grads are living at home. There is a good book on this subject: āThe Boomerang Generation.ā It is a worldwide phenomenon. Jobs are harder to get, life is more complicated and confusing, and rents are high.</p>
<p>I have sympathy for parents of a kid with organizational issues who have continued to provide support through college years. It makes a lot of sense. Just to get them through. Some kids have a strong drive for independence and will slowly let go of that support, others will hold onto it as long as they can. If there are complicating issues like health, depression, anxiety or attention issues, all the harder.</p>
<p>I would let him know that you support him and want to help, but that in view of the ultimate goal of independence, a counselor might be a good idea, and also consider a coach (ADD coach, organizational coach, time management coach). Sometimes there is someone on campus who can help with time management, but it is a bit late for that. Still, for the last semester, with anxiety about the future, a weekly meeting with counselor and/or coach might help and would be a transitional step away from you. Kind of like training wheels.</p>
<p>Let him know that everyone graduating all over the country and even the world is in the same shoes and that people do find their way, often in zigs and zags, not straight lines. If he lives at home, I think you can say that you believe that is a good thing to help him launch, and, paradoxically, may be the best way to ultimately achieve independence.</p>
<p>Our culture really seems to delay growing up during the 20ās. There are a lot of books and articles on this. It is not unusual to still depend on parents, but the trick, which is hard for all of us, is to figure out how to provide forward-looking support without enabling in the present. I know I am still working on it.</p>
<p>Wise words compmom.</p>
<p>Iāll throw out one more suggestion. Have your son visit the Career center at his schook, and take the vocational tests. This used to be a subfield of psychology (vocational counseors), because the tests took time to administer and score and interpret. Now, all the test can be done on-line. The colleges do not charge for this service. Heāll receive a full report highlighting his interests, stengths, and dislikes. His qualities will be compared to others in these professions. One of the counselors in the Career center should be able to help pull the test results together.</p>
<p>As an example, probably brought to mind about the previously mentioned son moving towards teaching, was a client who I met on medical leave (truly spent 6 weeks in a hospital). She had been working in a bio lab for several years, and thought she would pursue grad school. After being away from school for the semester, she realized she hated working in a lab. With a supportive mom and career counselor at college, we discovered she could apply for a MA in teaching for UGās with no prior teaching experience. She was accepted into this program. With a future goal in mind, she was able to return to college to finish that last semester. It was great to see the change in her attitude.</p>
<p>While some here would object, I donāt see the major flaw in helping make sure that rent/utilities gets paid on time while an undergrad.</p>
<p>After all, many CC parents are paying full freight to a school and that covers their childās room and boardā¦so their kids arenāt making monthly payments either. (same with low income kids on full need aid). And no one criticizes them. </p>
<p>Some kids need to take on new responsibilites one at a timeā¦not a bunch at once. </p>
<p>That said, the OPās son sounds like he has depression or anxiety issues (and often those two things go hand in hand). Has he had any ālove issueā problems? broken relationships? trouble dating?</p>
<p>OP ā this is not your fault. Please donāt feel guilty. Imho, you are showing a reasonable blend of compassion, concern, and irritation with a hard situation. You canāt react to a situation until it happens.</p>
<p>I agree you canāt punish this away, nor should you try. But sometimes people are waving a flag, and itās a fine thing to sit down and say with kindness that you are worried, he seems to be struggling, and offer some plans. My oldest was dx w/ADHD as an adult, through extensive neuropsych testing (just tests, plus some basic bloodwork) that insurance covered. But that will take longer than your son has left. </p>
<p>Put some backstops in for paying rent, donāt be shocked if he has to stay an extra semester to graduate, get him a good physical (it gives him a chance to speak to a doctor!) and love him. Make it plain you love him, as Iām sure you do. </p>
<p>When I feel challenged as a parent I try and remind myself that we all struggle, and all need help. And parents who have lost their children would give anything to have my problems.</p>
<p>I agree with Carlyā¦consider depression, drugs, etc.</p>
<p>Some of this could be stemming from āI donāt know what I really wnat to do with my life. When I graduate, I will have to get a job and I donāt even know what I can or want to do.ā also sometimes it is " I have been studying XYZ and I now know/think that is something I donāt want to do." (this may or may not be misguided because what you do in college is different than what you would want to do as a job.</p>
<p>I also agree with trying to get him some counseling, be it personal or career.</p>
<p>
Why are you sure of this? I donāt think it is unusual, for example, for an alcoholic to say that he āhas a few beers now and again.ā Did he get fired from his job because of absenteeism? If so, you really canāt rule out substance abuse just because you donāt think thatās in his nature.</p>
<p>Cbug, Iām sending you a PM.</p>
<p>As others have said, it is important to be sure it is not depression or substance problems. However, not every kid that messes up has these issues. And ADHD is unlikely to be the reason. If he was generally able to get things done in high school and earlier in college, it is not ADHD. There is no medical test for ADHD; it is based on checklists of behavior, but all require that the behaviors have to have been in place for many years. Mild difficulties with focus or getting things done are not clinical-level ADHD.</p>
<p>It may also be that higher level classes are much more challenging and your son would have had to work harder than he has in the past. If he has been able to get by on minimal effort, he may have just gotten in over his head. Especially if he was focused on outside activities or didnāt really enjoy the classes. Not OK, but no reason to panic at age 21. </p>
<p>I agree with those that would require him to pay for any over-draft fees or rent penalties. You could also make him pay for all or part of the cost of re-taking the class. </p>
<p>It is difficult, but I would suggest trying to walk the tightrope between letting him know he messed up and has to fix it, while still being supportive and letting him know that all is not lost. The most important thing is for him to see a path to a productive future, not to feel like so much of a screw up that he gives up completely. It is very easy to suggest withdrawing all support and taking a hard line, but that is not the right approach for all young adults - some really do take longer to grow up or need assistance getting over a bump in the road. </p>
<p>My oldest had his worst set of grades his final year. He probably screwed up his chances for a good grad school program, unless he takes some additional classes (on his own money). It is not clear why, but he never had to work hard to get reasonable grades and just didnāt get that he had to put in more effort. I also think he didnāt understand that those grades really mattered. He lived at home for the first year after college, floundering a bit and working part-time. He did well at the job and it was a good experience. He is now living overseas teaching English and is managing just fine on his own, but not sure what he wants to do next, but not interested in teaching long-term. I listen to friends whose kids are in great jobs or in professional schools and work very hard not to compare. As a wise online person once said, you have to love the kid on the couch, not the one you envision.</p>
<p>I was the person who posted the line about the kid on the couchā¦ and we reminded our kids every step of the sometimes painful way that our love was unconditionalā¦ but our financial contributions to their lifestyles would end once they graduated.</p>
<p>I see the kids of my neighbors tooling around town meeting their similarly underemployed friends at the gym, Starbucks, updating their phones at the Apple store, etc. These are kids with college degrees, and their need to āfigure out my next stepā seems to come at the expense of mom and dad who shovel the car out of the driveway at 6 am to get to work on time.</p>
<p>My kids had to learn the hard way that the first job out of college is NOT going to be the swank, intellectually challenging, fantastically paid career they see twenty-somethings doing on TV. But that surrounding yourself with colleagues and other employed people, even in a terrible and tedious job, is a better launching pad than my kitchen table, IMāing their unemployed or underemployed friends. People with jobs meet other people with jobs.</p>
<p>We did not expect the kids to be ālaunchedā into their fabulous future after graduation. And often a year or two working teaches them exactly which grad degree or further training they need for the fabulous future. But absent depression (and a kid who is a star in 6 ECās at college seems to be functioning awfully well for someone with depression), the kindest thing a parent can do for a college senior is to help them see that even if they havenāt figure out the next 40 years, moving off the couch is the appropriate next step.</p>
<p>I have no problem with a kid floundering after graduationā¦ thatās what it means to be 22 years old. But bouncing checks, not paying rent, and sleeping until noon while managing to keep up with the fun and challenging extra curriculars and the social life that goes with that isnāt the recipe for a productive end to a college career.</p>
<p>I had several terrible jobs after graduation before I figured things out. But the independence that comes with a paycheck more than made up for the tedious and often moronic work responsibilities. And my parents made it clear that their own jobs (which put a roof over our heads and food on the table) werenāt always the most fun and stimulating way to spend a day!</p>
<p>Recently told the unemployed child of a neighbor that our local hospital is looking for an entry level PR person to help coordinate their annual gala. (job requires writing press releases, updating the donor files, sending mailings, calling the tent rental people for quotes, bugging the local newspaper to print glowing stories about the doctors affiliated with the hospital, etc.) This is a kid with a BA in Mass Communications. Apparently, nothing short of being Obamaās spokesperson or managing press conferences for the NFL will do as a suitable launch pad. Really? An entry level PR job, even a boring one, wonāt be more stimulating than watching āGuy Codeā all day??? (no offense to the wonderful folks at MTV).</p>
<p>I agree with Blossom, a kid excited and interested in 6 ECās in college is not the profile of someone who is depressed. I know my senior daughter is, for sure, losing interest in academics and focusing on ECās and it is typical for a college kid to sleep till noon (while in college, I was thrilled when DS woke up before noon!). DS certainly has shown little ability to manage finances. He really seems, to me, a somewhat typical college kid who may blossom when left to fend for himself.</p>
<p>Sleeping until noon is OK in collegeāunless you have class at 10:00. In which case, you may fail the class, which is what seems to be happening here.</p>
<p>True, if heās that involved in his ECs and social life, he is āprobablyā fine (at least emotionally; heās still failing a class and not paying his rent). But can I ask what it would hurt to have him evaluated if the OP suspects something more sinister? Knowing would sure make decision making easier to know if the situation called for plain old tough love (start supporting yourself because weāre done) or demands for self-help (weāll support you if you go to rehab)</p>
<p>Certainly, a parent can and should encourage counseling and evaluation if they are concerned. But, I was just observing that her sonās behavior seems to me, within the ānormalā range. As Blossom suggests, should we have all the many socially engaged young adults showing lack of motivation tested and evaluated? What are we testing and evaluating for? Lack of motivation is not typical for ADHD. Depression would be unlikely for someone so socially engaged and motivated to participate in ECs. Substance Abuse usually leads to withdrawal from areas of interest, such as ECs. </p>
<p>That being said, Iām sure I would encourage at least career counseling for my child in a similar situation.</p>
<p>cbug,I know that you are distressed about his behavior, but itās not clear to what extent he is. That would be my starting point in determining next steps. Does he feel chagrined, embarrassed, disappointed, helpless, nonchalant, dismissive, worried, etc. This would be my starting point of any discussion. Itās not clear whether/what he might want to change and whether or not he wants your counsel/advice/intervention.
Others are certainly right that any number of factors may be at play (some diagnosable), but determining whether you have his buy-in that this is a problem seems like a first step.</p>