Withdrawing from School, crisis management

Parents Forum
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<p>Oh, Greenbutton, if you click on my screen name and read my posts from about December 2009 to March 2010, you will know that I have lived your life and can relate more than you can imagine.</p>

<p>I managed to talk to Mitch Nagler who is an expert in Executive Function Disorder. He described my son’s issues without me saying anything. At the end of the conversation I asked him, “Did we [parents] create this?” He said “Absolutely not.” Parents do not create Executive Function Disorder. Even “helicopter parents” don’t create Executive Function Disorder. Parents, by parenting, act as their child’s “coach” in school. The support is absent in college, hence the problems. Mitch said that people with EFD do not outgrow it and will always need some sort of “coach” in their lives (parent, paid coach, wife, secretary).</p>

<p>From about 6th grade on, the folks at school told me not to helicopter, let him sink or swim on his own, it will all work out, etc etc etc. After the fact, I realized that none of them had a single second of experience with college students and the issues they face. </p>

<p>It is lonely to be the parent of a young adult with “issues.” It seems like the support vanishes after high school. CC is a good place for you to be. Many folks on CC have been through similar issues. Some will post on your thread, but I predict that others will PM with their own stories.</p>

<p>If you look around, you will notice LOTS of kids not at their original school, or not in school at all, or just taking a few classes. In my state, only 45% of males who start college have a degree after six years. I know that is supposed to be bad news, but I find it perversely comforting, because we all seem to think that “everyone else’s kid” sails through undergrad in four years with no issues. </p>

<p>My son also says he feels like a failure. We told him that there is no way a person can be a “failure” at the age of 20! All he did - like your son - was to try one thing that didn’t work. He can try the same thing again later if he wants, or chart a new path, but there are a lot more options than just one.</p>

<p>Hugs to you. Try to do something to distract you, like seeing a movie that has just opened. Also, try to spend some time with your son that has nothing to do with school, his future, etc. Sometimes I get so caught up in my son’s “issues” that I forget to enjoy the terrific young man that he is.</p>

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<p>greenbutton, I’m sorry. </p>

<p>Perhaps consider a counselor for yourself (if not currently using one), so you can have someone who will listen in person and can look you in the eye with concern and without hypocrisy.</p>

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<p>Real converstation:</p>

<p>Me: How are things going for your son up at the U?
Her: Terrific. Just great. What about your son?
Me: Not so great. He is coming back home after this semester and going to cc.
Her: Really? So is my son!
*Truthful conversation then ensues. *</p>

<p>If you ever decide to reveal to friends and acquaintances that things aren’t perfect, a sizable percentage will then 'fess up that things aren’t perfect with their kid either. You may be suprised at the amount of support you receive from other parents.</p>

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<p>It takes a lot of research and networking and even trials of less than helpful therapists to get to a good one. I even called a psychiatrist I saw on tv once, out of desperation! A therapist or psychiatrist would seem to be a priority, along with some neuro-psychological testing. We finally did the latter for one of our kids and it was very, very helpful.</p>

<p>I am wondering if summer school was one class at a time. Since your son is a senior, he could make some good progress taking just one or two classes at a time, and perhaps those would feel more manageable. At least temporarily (next semester or later, not now; it would seem that withdrawal is a smart move right now, unless he himself want to finish one of the classes).</p>

<p>Since he made it through a couple of years of college, at least, without crisis, it seems as if there is a possibility that something developed more recently that is not an executive function disorder, but maybe anxiety/depression, though the burdens of something like ADHD might have accumulated to a point of crisis.</p>

<p>It is good that he is living at home, perhaps. </p>

<p>All parents with kids with issues, no matter how brain-based or physiological, experience stigma from professionals. If you can, avoid those who do this. It is wrong and outdated, irrelevant and counterproductive. Talk to others who are experiencing this.</p>

<p>In our family, despite a lot of problems at times, we like to say there are no disasters. Your son can come back from anything that is happening now, and chances are he will come back in better, wiser shape with better strategies and supports for the future.</p>

<p>Tell him he is not a failure. I have seen things like this happen in the broadest range of kids, and the broadest range of families, and a broad range of schools. Crises seem to be almost a part of coming of age for kids who are sensitive, despite all the effort that goes into hiding it. Appearances are so deceiving. </p>

<p>So take that first step of the day each day, and keep on walking, and things really will get better. And talking with a therapist yourself, one who “gets it”, can help a lot.</p>

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<p>Right. After all was said and done after Son’s year away at college, he wasn’t dead or in prison. (And so sadly, other parents on CC have had to report both.)</p>

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<p>Hugs to you, OP. This sounds just like our friends’ middle son. It took a transfer to a different school and a summer of classes from home, but he graduated in August. He doesn’t want anyone to celebrate b/c it would draw attention to how “late” he finished, but honestly, I think his parents might be even more proud of him than their other two, who succeed fairly effortlessly.</p>

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<p>I think we all tend to think that this is a bigger deal than it actually is. Unless a kid was in one of my kids’ graduating class and I actually *remember *that they were in the same class, I totally don’t remember when they “should” graduate. When someone says that their kid is graduating in December or August, that could be late, but it could be early. Plus there are all kinds of programs - accounting, architecture, for example - that take five years. Then there are the kids who start nursing school or law school after three years of undergrad. Plus the ones who change their major multiple times. I know one kid who graduated then started on another bachelors degree at a different school the next semester. Then there are the kids who serve in the military then go to school after that.</p>

<p>We think that everyone is “keeping track” but most people aren’t.</p>

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<p>I look at these things like the 25th HS reunion. At the 10th, people still care what others thinks and want to portray themselves in the best possible light. By the 25th, anyone who’s really living should have have their share of ups and downs and nothing should surprise you and people are much less judgmental. A few years ago, I would have been shocked by some of the stories I read on here and hear from IRL friends. Now, not so much. Avoid those who are prone to judgment and know there are plenty of people who have been in your shoes or see how they coul easily have ended up in your shoes. (((Hugs))) to you.</p>

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<p>Really nothing new to add, just wanted to echo (1) college is the last thing your son needs to worry about right now–he needs to get mentally healthy, and (2) hugs.</p>

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<p>He’s back from the appointment with the advisor, who’s best advice is to withdraw before this semester ends and preserve his gpa and degree status. He has 4 years to re-enroll, and can do so either in the same program or request a new one. Meantime, he’s agreed he should get a job (he has one already, as a writer) to keep him busy. We have to figure out how long to stay “out” but I think at least until summer, at a minimum, and even then it would depend on his stability. I asked him how he felt and he said “Relieved. Sad. Sad. Relieved. Confused” so that seems pretty normal. </p>

<p>His former therapist (the one who ended sessions because S1 was fine) practices with a large group in town. Another therapist there specializes in adult ADD testing. That testing is two session of evaluation and one of results; I’m wary of returning to this group but our choices are extremely limited and I suppose because one guy was clueless doesn’t mean they all are. If anyone has experience about what to expect and if that 2 session/ 1session timeframe seems good, can you let me know?</p>

<p>Off to the funeral. So there’s perspective. We’re all here, and that’s a step in the right direction. S1 asked “what happens next” and we said “We hold on to each other and jump into the unknown”</p>

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<p>OP wrote:

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<p>I am angry that so many people failed you and your son, and that suddenly the world feels free to label someone as a “helicopter parent” when she is, in fact, being a loving and concerned parent. Since when do adults get to call people names and criticize the parenting skills of others?</p>

<p>I am sorry to hear about the death of your friend, particularly in this difficult time.</p>

<p>I loved your last statement in your most recent post.</p>

<p>And I wonder whether it might be possible to determine whether there was something about that one class that caused your son to be physically sick.</p>

<p>The good news is that anxiety and depression are medical conditions, not character faults, and they are treatable.</p>

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<p>PghMomof2, I don’t think it matters if someone takes more than 4 years to graduate. I have relatives and know of friend’s kids who have taken more time for various reasons (sometimes ADHD) and it is a non-issue. I have friends in Ca who have taken longer simply because required courses where not available. It is more common than your son realizes.</p>

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<p>OP–How are you doing today?</p>

<p>OhioMom is right–there are many, many reasons to take more than 4 years to graduate. I think my youngest sister went through about 10 majors before she finally graduated with one. Lots of kids take gap years. Many students who study abroad in certain disciplines will get less than a semester’s worth of credit; my D found out that if she minors in a language, none of her study-abroad courses will count toward her minor (not even the ones in that language–one of the primary purposes for doing study abroad) and they certainly won’t count for her major.</p>

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<p>GB - “Another therapist there specializes in adult ADD testing. That testing is two session of evaluation and one of results”</p>

<p>That sounds exactly right, based on the testing my D1 went through in middle school. The tester also got academic records, and sent questionnaires to teachers, and we parents had to do a questionnaire as well. Don’t know how this varies for testing of people who are post-secondary, but the point is that they need the anecdotal third party descriptions to get a full view of what’s going on. I would meet with the tester before you sign up for anything, and make sure you and your son are comfortable that he or she will do a professional job of this. If not, keep looking, even if it means leaving town!</p>

<p>It is all worth it, for several reasons. First of all, it enables you and your son to either get a diagnosis and start treating it, or at least rule it out, so that you can keep working on it until you know what the problem is and how to treat it. Believe me, there is a lot of relief to be had just from knowing what the problem is!!</p>

<p>Secondly, if it is ADD, your son will be eligible for appropriate accommodations under the Americans with Disabilities Act, such as extra time for tests.</p>

<p>Thirdly, there is medical treatment for ADD. I’m not going to get into the whole debate here about what’s best - I’m sure there is a whole forum on CC for that discussion. But I will say that for our daughter, the behavioral approach was useless/unrealistic, as was tutoring. (You can’t really reward a 12-year old for doing her homework with gummy bears, let alone a 20-year old.) With Concerta she was finally able to function and start reaching her intellectual potential, and is so, so much happier. </p>

<p>Good luck, and please PM me if you want.</p>

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<p>When my son needed a new psych workup on the “adult scale”, we specifically did not go to the place that required his teachers to fill out forms. Many college profs don’t have a clue who their students are, and it can be quite embarrassing for a college student to ask for them.</p>

<p>We also found that the teacher reports back in elem school were worthless, too. I guess it is because he was in public school and was not a behavior problem. Resources are so slim that the last thing a school district wants to do is identify yet another student who qualifies for special services.</p>

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<p>(OP) Today I stayed home with him for the morning; we did some errands together and I left him at home and went back to work; I’m trying to control my impulse to overmother right now. We’ve spoken very briefly about things to think about : what educational alternatives to explore in “the break”, when to actually withdraw officially (anytime in the next month is a choice), how to build some structure into his day, what evaulation might be like. He is almost too relieved – it’s more like denial. He was taken aback to realize there are some things he can’t do now with his friends, because he’s not a student. I cautioned him to be patient, and prepare to feel worse in the next week or so as it all soaks in. </p>

<p>The timeline for any graduation is irrelevant; the U is so huge, and graduations are held at the end of every term, including summer. As someone has mentioned, so many students take various years to finish a degree that he feels only an understandable aggravation that he will “be in school forever”. My brother only just finished a BA at 50 – and that uncle has reached out to S1 to assure him life is full of promise under many circumstances as had a cousin who has an anxiety disorder, but I see S1 isnt’ ready to hear that input. I wonder why? Is that a guy thing? </p>

<p>I’m tired, I am having trouble getting the “emergency response team” in my head to shut up already. S2 had an extended medical emergency years ago, so we are trying to remember the coping skills we learned during those months of hospitalization. It’s what we used to call a “going forward” day.</p>

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<p>Structure is difficult and we’ve been a huge failure at that. If he will work out (and there is a place), add that…or even a daily bike ride or walk. In this economy, it can be difficult to find structure with paid employment and even then, the new guy often gets the irregular hours. Has he studied a foreign language? If you look, you might be able to find informal groups that practice the language on a regular basis. Can he help with a team or club at the middle school? Like chess club or robotics or quiz bowl?</p>

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<p>OP, I feel for you. You’re not the only one going through this. It’s so heartbreaking. All I can add to what others have posted is that as I struggle with similiar issues with my D, that going to a counselor myself is helping. No one ever told us that parenting can get harder as they get older…</p>

<p>It sounds lik you and DS are moving on… he’s still very young and has time to go back to school, and having a job for a while could be the best thing for him. There are plenty of people who drop out or flunk out, then go back, and do very well.</p>

<p>My condolences on your loss. Love your response to your son.</p>

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<p>OP, although I haven’t had to face this exact issue, I certainly know what it’s like to watch my child suffer and struggle with demons. My heart goes out to you and I am glad that you and your S are finding some short-term solutions and making longer-term plans. Hugs.</p>

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<p>Updating (mostly for my own sanity): He did get another part-time writing job, and after some reminding made an appointment with an assessment therapist who practices at his former counselor’s facility. The idea is to see if he has some adult ADD issue, or to get him officially diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.</p>

<p>This weekend, he seemed surprised that his father was going along on the appointment. This morning AS we are LEAVING for work (S1 and I share a car) he says there is something he’s afraid to tell me. He says (read “I don’t know if this is true, or not”) he called, talked to a receptionist. They never called back. Or maybe they did. Maybe he doesn’t really have an appointment after all, or maybe he does. Should they have called? He really wants to go and be assessed. He’s okay with that. But maybe he messed up. </p>

<p>The part that is scary is his complete believability. Did he really not understand? Or did he just never make the appointment and was planning to pretend to have been there until his father was coming along? Is he crazy (and I do mean that in a mental illness sense) or just avoiding, or just clueless? …I’m at a loss. I am so scared for him, and I don’t know what to do. </p>

<p>So I guess I will get to work, and tackle the parts of my life that aren’t bigger than me.</p>