<p>Greenbutton, what a lot you are dealing with.</p>
<p>It is highly likely that your son is afraid to find out what is going on with him, right now. It looks like deceit, but it is hiding. “Flight.”</p>
<p>Good luck in getting him to get the information he needs to make his life work. I’m glad you know enough to focus on your own life, for right now. </p>
<p>sigh.</p>
<p>Greenbutton, I have not read many of the posts but I wanted to give hugs for what you are going through. It is NOT your fault. One way to differentiate anxiety and ADD is by the age in which it started. If you or the teachers noticed ADD symptoms of inattentiveness and disorganization since before 7 y.o, ADD is likely.<br>
Adult ADD, absent of physical trauma, is really children with ADD grown up. </p>
<p>For example, my son took meds for ADD his first time second semester senior year in high school witn 3 AP classes and takes them in college. However, his 1st grade teacher asked him to be tested knowing that sometime in the future he may struggle due to his obvious inattentiveness. He was tested with significant ADD though we never told him until he struggled (always made A’s with the occasional B) with keeping it together with the heavier work load. So, look back to elementary school and try to remember if the teachers mentioned a problem with paying attention.</p>
<p>greenbutton, might I suggest that you get the assessment appointments set up? While I understand that you want your son to take initiative and control, I think that he might need a helping hand to get this going. It doesn’t mean that you will do everything for him going forward, but perhaps the act of scheduling the appointment is fraught with emotional turmoil for him.</p>
<p>Let him focus on finding things – however small they might be – that will help him regain a sense of competency – and take anything off his plate for the moment that will further reinforce his sense of personal failure.</p>
<p>Sounds like he may be avoiding, which is a natural response to these issues and part of the problem. It’s good that your H offered to go to the appointment and that your S was able to tell you this. Now, you know you and your H’s oversight is very much needed to get the treatment going.</p>
<p>I just finished making the appointments – in some miracle of karma, there was a cancellation so we can be seen tomorrow. We were sending my husband to assure S1 would not panic and absent himself, but I guess I underestimated the anxiety even about making the appointment. It’s hard (impossible) to know when to let him be responsible and when to take that from him (which also upsets him.)</p>
<p>@GTalum – as an elementary student, his fidgetyness was always mentioned by his teachers, but at no point did anyone suggest testing him. I work in the schools he attended, and having seen many ADD children I know that he would have looked like a “maybe”, but coming from a super-stable background and having a sunny, agreeable, cooperative disposition, he would not have thrown up enough flags. He had a disastrous year in 4th with a teacher who loathed him because he talked too much, but overall enjoyed school. But was always, always, disorganized (beyond the average). I think about this constantly and wonder did we miss something? should we have done something? and then think this line of second guessing is pretty much useless. Sigh, indeed.</p>
<p>It’s interesting that you mention 4th grade because one of our Pediatricians mentioned to me that he tends to have parents come to him with issues of ADHD in 1st, 4th and 8th grade. Seems to be when problems arise. Some kids are borderline and not as obvious to detect.</p>
<p>As you’ve undoubtedly learned, the inattentive form looks really different than the hyperactive form. Schools (and teachers) are often quick to point out the kid who is bouncing all over the room disrupting everything, but the compliant kid who is bright and who still gets As or Bs is not noted, or mistakes are attributed to carelessness. Bright kids have all sorts of coping skills…until those skills aren’t quite enough. I’d agree with OhioMom that the rubber hits the road in 1st, 4th, and 8th grade, and again in 11th/12th and at the start of college – all breakpoints where the challenges and workload take significant jumps that can overwhelm the coping skills that have worked well-enough up until that point.</p>
<p>Great news that he’s scheduled for an evaluation tomorrow. </p>
<p>And you weren’t helicoptering – that was a Medevac flight.</p>
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<p>That sounds similar to my son. The first grade teacher who asked him to be evaluated was experienced and suspected he might have problems. He was always pleasant, cooperative and stable but fidgety, day-dreamy, and disorganized. . His 4th grade teacher had an “open” classroom which allowed him to wander (the 4th grade teacher said it made him “nervous” but agreed that if had a rule to stay in chairs he wouldn’t be wandering) and the strict third grade teacher allowed him to stand by his desk. I think that if it wasn’t for the experienced 1st grade teacher he would not have been evaluated till senior year. </p>
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<p>Again, I didn’t “do” anything till his senior year. You did nothing wrong. You don’t treat ADD until it’s a problem. That’s one of the diagnostic criteria. It’s OK to take a step back in order to get the testing necessary.</p>
<p>To hear my bright, social, generous, loving-hearted 22 yr old <em>wail</em> that he “is never good at anything” and “why can’t I do this” makes me cry even typing it. In any case, right now it seems best to interrupt this “education” and give him some time to be succesfull in other ways.</p>
<p>Hugs- I know how hard it is.
one day at a time.</p>
<p>“I think about this constantly and wonder did we miss something? should we have done something?”</p>
<p>Try not go to there. Even if you HAD tried to “do something” it may not have helped. DH and I twice had DS in for counseling - and nothing was “done.” He struggled tremendously this first semester in college, and DH and I still don’t know where, exactly, he stands academically. He’s coming home for Tgiving tomorrow so we may find out a bit this week. Or maybe not. DS has been known to lie to us to either protect himself or simply to keep us off his back. He tells us he’s been seeing a school counselor. I hope he has.</p>
<p>OP-So sorry and hugs to you.
This thread is interesting and sounds similar to my S2. I had to withdraw him from Montessori School when he was three years old due to his fidgetiness. From 1th to 5th grade, I received his teachers’ comments as inattentiveness, lack of focus and talking too much. Fourth grade was the worst year because the same thing as OP’s son he talked too much. 5th grade was harder for him because of the “open” classroom. I would never forget my sweet boy was taken away privilege and fun at the end of elementary school party because he did not complete his assignments. None of the elementary teachers had suggested testing him. </p>
<p>In middle school he completely turned around and I received nothing but good comments from his teachers. His organizational skills have improved over the years and he is quite responsible with his homework. He is an excellent leader at his Boy Scout troop. He maintained most A’s in all his classes although Math was always his weakest subject. He was able to take honors Algebra in 8th grade and now he is in 9th grade and is taking honors Geometry. Well, he is not doing well with this class because he makes many many careless errors in his quizzes and tests according to his teacher. He has been distressed with his Math grades; however, he refused to move to the regular Geometry class.</p>
<p>I am wondering if this carelessness with Math calculations is common with ADD and does it become more noticeable when they get older???</p>
<p>Or maybe not. DS has been known to lie to us to either protect himself or simply to keep us off his back. He tells us he’s been seeing a school counselor. I hope he has.</p>
<p>This is where we are- I recently found out that while I thought my D had gone to the clinic before school started- she still has not. She is supposed to be on three different medications & hasn’t filled them since this summer.
She told me her appt was last week, then said when I asked about it, that it was this week.
However, she was billed for an appt earlier this month, so I wonder if she forgot about it.
It is difficult to get any info- she shuts down.</p>
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Greenbutton, oh yes you are! This is hard enough, and with support, he has a bright future ahead.</p>
<p>sunnydayfun - Math was a problem for my son as well. It’s not that ADD gets worse, but the demands get more. In fact, everyday life often gets easier as bright kids learn to compensate. In middle school, the work load is pretty easy.</p>
<p>What’s a good link to read up on this inattentive version? I wonder …</p>
<p>This book is great [Driven</a> to Distraction (Revised): Recognizing and Coping with Attention Deficit Disorder [Book]](<a href=“http://www.google.com/products/catalog?q=driven+to+distraction+ebook&hl=en&prmd=imvns&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.r_cp.,cf.osb&biw=1024&bih=677&um=1&ie=UTF-8&tbm=shop&cid=3049147367782407847&sa=X&ei=d8bKTqWRNcXdtgegkL3dCw&ved=0CFQQ8wIwAA]Driven”>http://www.google.com/products/catalog?q=driven+to+distraction+ebook&hl=en&prmd=imvns&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.r_cp.,cf.osb&biw=1024&bih=677&um=1&ie=UTF-8&tbm=shop&cid=3049147367782407847&sa=X&ei=d8bKTqWRNcXdtgegkL3dCw&ved=0CFQQ8wIwAA) And I believe he has a new one out.</p>
<p>Just stopping by to pass out hugs. One of the things that is so difficult is finding things at which they are competent, to try to salvage the self esteem. OP, you used the word “harrowing” in your original post, as I recall. As each college semester draws to a close, the utter illness caused by learning of my own son’s academic status comes back to me (maybe because it’s happened about four times). I try my best to keep perspective. I often say “at least he’s not dead or in prison” and I mean it. As “end of the world” as things have felt, it’s only school, not life, death or freedom.</p>
<p>Slightly OT, but I just read that a student with Aspergers’s at my D’s school is graduating magna cum laude. The thing that jumped out at me is that he is 26 years old. I’d love to know the history but he is being viewed as a big success, while taking twice as long to graduate as many of his peers.</p>
<p>OP–just another anecdote to know you are not alone. Our good friend’s S is a jr. (with ADHD) in college and is on leave. Last semester he stopped going to classes and then stopped functioning (i.e. didn’t leave his room). Parents asked the school to keep an eye and school didn’t (colleges are really ill equipped for mental health issues). Not a terribly anxious kid, but chose a tough major and was having academic difficulties. So now he’s home and while it’s tough, I am sure it helps a little that he has love and support from a really great family.</p>
<p>erlanger, that is exactly what happened in my S’s sophomore year (he has ADD and a couple of LDs). We pulled him out a few weeks into that year (last year), and he spent a year at home (working and taking a couple of classes locally). This year he has back at school. He tells us everything is “fine”, but I take no comfort from that. He has a history of lying to us about all things academic. His neuro-psych report says that he lies because he doesn’t want to disappoint us.</p>
<p>missypie, when things are especially grim, I also comfort myself with “at least he’s not dead or in prison”. The son of a very close friend is in prison (for a very long time). That really puts our concerns about academic issues into perspective.</p>