<p>sushi-- you should stop now. I’m sure you would like to stay a member of CC and while I have a long tolerance for the antics of teenagers? Sometimes if you violate the TOS too strenuously, you will be asked to leave. I’m sorry you are having such a bad day, but go take a run or work out or something besides this type of thing.</p>
<p>A moderator is needed in this thread.</p>
<p>What have i violated? I find it silly that you are ready to bring home an 18+ year old because he is stressed and having trouble. Are you going to do this for the rest of his life, when he is 35 and his job gets tough you are just going to bring him home? At some point you just have to find a way to deal with it and get on with your life. It’s not teenage antics, it’s just someone who (surprise) isn’t an overbearing or over concerned parent.</p>
<p>I feel like Bedouin is going to try to punch me through his computer screen. Just saying.</p>
<p>Yea, i have to say i’m amazed at how intolerant many parents here seem to be of dissenting opinions.</p>
<p>It is not the dissent, Ssushi; it is the arrogance and aggression.</p>
<p>It’s arrogant to think that a college aged person could know what’s best for themselves? It’s aggressive to tell someone that your college aged son should overcome an adversary instead of you removing him from the issue?</p>
<p>Did he choose this school because of the football scholarship or was this his first choice?
Does he really want to play football?
How much is he influenced by his girlfriend?
How is he doing academically?</p>
<p>When you visit, take him off-campus for a good meal. Keep the conversation light until you leave the restaurant. Go for a nice casual walk and start the difficult conversation. Give him a little time to open up. I’m sure it’s very difficult for him to express his true feelings. He wants you to look at him as the confident young man you’ve raised, but fears letting you down by telling you the truth of his difficulties. </p>
<p>Things to think about and discuss:</p>
<p>Is football and everything that goes along with it (teammates, partying, time commitment, possible hazing, etc) a big factor for his unhappiness?</p>
<p>Is it an issue with the girlfriend?</p>
<p>Is it an issue of a “bad fit” in regards to the campus itself?</p>
<p>Is it an issue of homesickness?</p>
<p>Is it an issue with roommates or floormates?</p>
<p>Is it an issue with academics or work load?</p>
<p>Is he wishing he had gone to a different college?</p>
<p>Problems can be solved. The hardest part is figuring out exactly which problem or problems are at the heart of this situation.</p>
<p>You are being a little agressive Ssushi. Not to talk down, and you know we’re of basically the same opinion. It’s good to be defensive, but not offensively so.</p>
<p>I’m blunt. I didn’t realize there was a need to be sensitive or that so many would misconstrue frankness for hostility or aggressiveness. It’s not intended in that way so don’t take it that way. Focus on the content instead of the tone.</p>
<p>dude and sushi.
you are both being extremely disrespectful and ignorant. Not every college student is able to handle the typical stresses of a new environment, distance from home, etc. Good for you if that all has come easily for you. However, my child had what seemed like a pretty good freshman year,with only the expected adjusments, then a sophomore year that was quite troubling, yet due to distance and that child not wanting to share the pain and confusion he/she was feeling, we were clueless. That child seemed to all those around him/her outwardly to be happy and productive, with excellent gpa, loads of friends and activities. Yet he/she was struggling inside to a very great extent, especially with distance from home and stress of a very busy schedule. Needless to say, the suicide attempt by that child was a big wake up call. NOT one we had anticipated nor had anyone who knew this child. So I think you should both back off the OP and try to either give some constructive advice or stay out of a situation you clearly don’t understand.</p>
<p>My advice is meant to be constructive. I had trouble my freshman year, hell it’s part of being a freshman. Not everyone who isn’t happy their freshman year is a suicide risk. At a certain point you have to let your child grow up and deal with their own issues. If your kid is talking about killing himself then obviously don’t ignore him, but if he just isn’t happy with the football team or his girlfriends thats not a reason to bring him home. Your kid is never going to learn to deal with issues if you help him avoid them his whole life. And its certainly not constructive to use an anecdotal story about suicide, as if that is in anyway appropriate to say to someone with an unhappy child, especially is they have not said a single thing about it.</p>
<p>I don’t believe in one-size-fits-all when it comes to college, and some students are better going to a university within an hour or two from their home. They may live on campus but still feel like they are near home. Of course, other students want to cross the continental divide. The problem is when a student chooses to go farther than is appropriate for that person given his or her experiences, academic interests, athletic interests, family situation, community, etc. In this case, the real question is whether the student will be able to work through the stresses and challenges of being in a new college environment and a new team OR perhaps decide that a university closer to home would be a better fit.</p>
<p>I’d like to add that I think a freshman football player might face the problem of going from being a big fish/small pond to new young small fish in a larger pond - and that could well be a conflict - esp if other high school friends are at closer to home schools with high school classmates.</p>
<p>Neverknow, I hope all turned out well for your child and that they are back on their emotional and physical feet.</p>
<p>There seems to be a current popular parenting style which in short states "drop 'em at college, do not look back, and let ‘em figure everything out for themselves’. Somehow doing anything other than this is seen a coddling, over-parenting, helicoptering etc.</p>
<p>How did we get to this point? The idea of 18 year olds heading miles and miles from home to ‘become adults’ is a very US based notion. Europeans do not do this. Their kids tend to attend universities close to home. Families expect to see their students on a regular basis. Family ties stay strong. Why do we see this as a weakness to be avoided - even at the cost of a young adults’ health.</p>
<p>Most of us have relied on our sixth sense regarding our children since they have been born. Yet, once shipped of to college, we are supposed to ignore this little voice that says ‘hey something is wrong with junior, I can feel it’.</p>
<p>Parenting advice from ‘experts’ changes just often enough to keep books selling at a brisk pace. Listen to your instincts about your child. Hey, even now, when I am middle aged, my mom still knows when something is wrong. I am grateful for insights and concern.</p>
<p>During the summer D and I attended a gathering hosted by alums (ranging in age from 25 - 70). While the students had a chance to meet each other parents had an opportunity to speak amongst ourselves. Those of us new to parenting college students asked about the amount of contact/support the alums felt was appropriate. It was suggested to VISIT your student. Spend one night in town, invite your student and some of their friends out for pizza. Take your student to a movie or shopping. Dorm life can be stressful, it’s often nice to have a quiet evening. We were encouraged to come for sporting events, we were encouraged to send care packages, we were encouraged to keep in contact via phone/ texting and emails. Obviously there is a line between healthy contact and support and restricting their move toward independence. Most parents know in their hearts on which side of the line their behavior fall.</p>
<p>Stress. It’s one of the number one problems that many Americans face. One that is potentially life threatening. In fact, one of the indicators for being at risk for cardiovascular disease, the number one killer in the United States, is high stress levels. And the most dissapointing thing about stress is that it is not just people working nine to five jobs who are stressed out. It is our children, from elementary school upwards.
Stress is something that a lot of college students face. I am constantly receiving notices from my school about seminars designed to help students deal with stress, it is a very real, and very destructive, part of college life. I myself have had to deal with stress to the point that I only did not sleep for days at a time, I physically couldn’t because my heart was beating to fast. I remember actually throwing up before and exam because of the stress I felt.</p>
<p>I think the best thing for your son to do is not to make a rash decision and quit something he is involved in right away, but rather to step back and make an assessment of his life. If he can’t do this on his own, it might be best to ask a friend or counselors help him do so. This involves asking questions such as “what is most important to me?” ‘Is this activity going to help me further my career?” “Is this accomplishment going to help me, or get in the way of my plans?” “Am I involved in this activity for myself, or am I just doing it at the fear of disappointing others?” That last question is a big one. I’ve always believed that you need to take care of yourself if you are going to take care of others. I know your son doesn’t want to be a quitter, but he needs to make sure that he is not quitting on his own life.</p>
<p>But I think it is important that your son handle this where he is. It is an important thing to be able to handle this away from the comforts of home. While I understand the intention, I am just afraid that brining him home will make him feel like he is hiding and, more so, that he is being overwhelmed by others to make an immediate decision. I think the best thing to do is present yourself as a strong support system, and accept any decision he makes, as I am sure you already do based on your post.</p>
<p>*I don’t like being called ignorant.</p>
<p>My child never said a single thing about suicide either. And I’m not saying the OP’s child did either or that he is even contemplating anything so drastic. I hope he is not. Only saying that sushi, YOU have no clue either what is going on with this particular child. And implying and/or stating VERY aggressively that the OP is somehow being way overprotective or ridiculous because he has concerns about his son, who has expressed unhappiness which he has tried to initially hide from others, is neither helpful nor necessarily safe.</p>
<p>I think neverknow56 brings to light an excellent point which could be entirely helpful! No, not every child who experiences difficulty adjusting is having thoughts of suicide. But it’s important to be aware that sometimes suicidal thoughts and tendencies can become issues with depressed students (even, the least “likely” as neverknow56 pointed out).</p>
<p>Dietz99 - I could not agree more! I wish nothing more for my Ds than for them to become self-sufficient, independent, happy, positive, contributing members of society. But when they need me, I will not apologize for responding and resent automatically being classified as a ‘helicopter’ parent (as if I don’t WANT to let go!).</p>
<p>Dudecollegeguy - your last post is the most mature, insightful thing you’ve said so far!</p>
<p>This thread has been derailed by a number of posts with no constructive value. I am closing the thread. I encourage those of you with an interest in further responding to the OP to start a new thread if desired.</p>
<p>I encourage those of you who are spending time in the Parent Cafe with the sole agenda of advising parents of their parent flaws… to find a more constructive activity. </p>
<p>Students are welcome to post in the Parent Cafe, when appropriate. Some come seeking parental perspective. Some come to offer a valued student perspective. Repetitive critiques of parenting, from someone with no experience in that role, are disruptive.</p>