<p>Parents/students...I would appreciate your wisdom on how best to approach this new school year.
Some background:
I am a guardian of an international high school student-he is 18 years old. He is about to start sophomore year-in a private US high school. He takes some type of drugs for ADHD. He has spent part of education in Japan, and part in Europe. Most recently in Europe. His family is primarily academics(Harvard/Yale--Grandfather & Father-both are Economics professors, Uncle-Business/multi-million?-so he pays for the private high school, Aunt is an MD. No mother)-and he is a gifted fashion designer. His father is not overly involved with his upbringing, so his Grandparents have stepped in.
Last year:
Last year, his freshman year, he was placed on probation for not attending class, or turning in his homework. His early report cards were A's & B's. Later in the year they were C's/D's and F's.His grandparents(in their 80's) are long time family friends, and the reason why I am his US guardian(I'm in my 50's). His grandparents flew out from Japan, and attended a meeting with the young man's Dean and teachers. During this meeting the young man promised he would attend class and turn in his homework in a timely fashion. He signed an agreement to that affect.
I was notified that he continued to miss class/not complete homework in a timely fashion, but as it was almost the end of the year, he was allowed to complete his freshman year.
Summer rolls around. Now the young man was accepted to attend a prestigious summer school-almost 3,000 miles away from me. One day I get a call from the Dean. It was a Monday. She advised me that the young man was being dismissed early from the program that was scheduled to end on Friday. He had been given several notices to perform, and explanations as to what would be the reprocussions.I was listed as the US Guardian, and she was unable to contact the young man's father. She was told by the young man that he could go stay with family friends in New York, and wanted permission to release him by tomorrow/Tuesday.
I was able to reach the family friend in New York, and advised that the young man was welcome to come early. I was not able to reach the father-or Grandparents. I notified the Dean. The young man took a bus to New York. The family friend reassured me he arrived safely.
A few days later...did I mention this was a long post...I received a call from the summer school Dean at about 8pm/California time--11pm-back east. She called to report that the young man was found at the school dance-last night of the summer school program-and that he was not allowed on school grounds, and would have to leave. The young man explained that he was up in the area with his family friend while he was there on business.....I smelled a "fish"...and finally got him to admit that the family friend was still in New York, and that he just wanted to attend the dance. I could appreciate that, but was concerned the school might arrest him for trespassing-and then he might have to return to Japan. The school was not able to reach his father, or the family friend. I also tried-no luck. I then gave permission for the school to charge the family $300, and allow him to spend the night at the school, with the understanding that he would take a bus back to New York in the morning. I sent an email to the young man's father.
About 1 hour later, I get a call from the father...and he wants his son to return on the next bus to New York---next bus was like 2 am---and that he had already told his son to take this bus. I explained that I did not know if the school would allow him to leave in the middle of the night, but figured if he had instructed his son to do this-it was his call. The young man took the bus, and arrived in New York. The family friend emailed me when he arrived.
The young man stayed in NY about a week, and then returned to Japan for 3 weeks.
Fast forward....he arrives back here in California to return to high school this next Tuesday. Should I talk about these episodes...if so...how best to approach? I want to trust him, and I want to have honest communication, and do not know how to go about it. Suggestions?</p>
<p>Does he live with you, or at boarding school?</p>
<p>This situation as you post it…my impression is that this young man needs a LOT more help than just a U.S. guardian. He is not showing good judgement or responsible behavior in any way. He is 18…which means YOU (or any other guardian) has NO SAY any longer in his affairs. He is an adult.</p>
<p>I feel badly for this kiddo. It sounds like he has basically been abandoned by his parents. I don’t understand how his father can be here in the U.S. and YOU are his guardian. This in and of itself is very troubling to me…I can only imagine how troubling it is for this young man.</p>
<p>I would suggest that you suggest some counseling for this young man. His behaviors need to be addressed and perhaps an impartial third party is the best choice.</p>
<p>Whoa. What a challenge. Are you really 100000000% sure you want this responsibility? You are given all the stresses/headaches/calls in the middle of the night and none of the authority/power (the dad usurped that from you). If, and only if, you are willing to take on this responsibility, I would lay down the law with the family as to what you will/will not do and what authority you expect if you are the first point of contact. To be honest, this sounds like a train wreck. I’d get off the train if I were you. He is 18 yrs old-- a legal adult. You really have no authority-- just the headaches and are the person to call when he acts out and is non compliant, which he will be again. He has not demonstrated a willingness to honor his commitments. And the apple has not fallen far from the tree. Sorry to be blunt, but you are looking at a very difficult year if you keep this responsibility. Why are you??</p>
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<p>How is it that he’s 18 and beginning his sophomore year. Most kids turn 18 during their SENIOR year. He’s at least 2 1/2 years older than most sophomores. Many sophomores start the year as 15 year olds and turn 16 sometime during their sophomore year. </p>
<p>Would getting a GED be a better option than being almost three years older than those in your grade in school? At this rate…IF he passes his course, he will be 21 when he graduates from high school. I can’t imagine that is helping him get through this either.</p>
<p>Good point. Socially he may feel very disenfranchised from his classmates. The pattern you (OP) describe will lead to his dropping out or being expelled. IF he stays in school of COURSE the school needs the heads up-- BUT he is 18 an a legal adult. Do you really have the authority to disclose? Tough situation. Again-- a serious headache for you with no benefit but the good feeling of helping a kid who has been abandoned by his family. Truly sad.</p>
<p>why does he have a guardian if he is 18 years old?</p>
<p>An 18 year old should not be in a class with sophomores. Why isn’t he in an alternative high school? He has a history of various troubles and may do better in an alternative environment. </p>
<p>I don’t understand why you are named as his US Guardian when he has a father in the states.
This young man is 18 years old–a legal adult. You can’t make him go to school. You can’t make him follow through on expectations. You can’t make him go to counseling. You can’t make him go to a doctor. He sounds as though he’s a compulsive liar. I know this is harsh, but you may want to re-evaluate taking on the responsibility of being his US Guardian. I would think long and hard about the possibility of sending him back to his father before his reckless actions put you in a very bad position.</p>
<p>What does this young man want to do with his life? I wonder if he’s in such a low grade because of switching systems between countries. Surely, if he’s been attending school all these years and his family is so bright, he can forget about high school for now and enter the local community college or open-enrollment college. It may be a far better fit for him socially and even emotionally. There’s no reason to keep an 18yo in a school to accumulate failing grades. </p>
<p>You said your post was long but, honestly, it left me with more questions. There’s obviously a lot more going on here. </p>
<p>It seems to me that at 18yo, this young man needs to be getting on with his life. He should have a plan and a purpose, be that a job, a design program or an appropriate school setting. It is hard to know whether he is being treated as someone younger because he is so immature or his maturity is stunted by treating him like a 15 or 16yo but I think it’s time for a change. If he doesn’t know what he wants to do, he needs to have some talks with a counselor. (He may need to do that anyway.) If he wants to go to fashion school, he may need to figure out how to build a portfolio-- which may be as simple as enrolling him in some art classes. Perhaps someone can help him find out what it would take to get an internship in fashion and/or to enroll in fashion school-- if that’s what he wants. Really, at this point, the cues should come from him.</p>
<p>He probably has a guardien because (from what i understand) he is from japan. In japan you don’t become an adult until you are 20 or 21 i can’t remember which.</p>
<p>STOP! Before you agree to continue, you must have a better understanding with this young man’s family about how they can be reached for further situations that may need attention and what should happen if they don’t respond in say, 1 hour. The father has already shown that he wants to exercise HIS judgment, even though you couldn’t reach him & worked out what you thought was the best resolution under the circumstances. I would not proceed until & unless this was worked out with the family, so there won’t be misunderstandings and conflicting directions when situations arise.</p>
<p>I would also question whether you want to continue being guardian of a young person who “embroiders the truth.” Seems like the situation may continue to get increasingly complicated, fast.</p>
<p>I agree, if he wants to pursue art, get him out of high school and find ways for him to pursue art. Community college, private studio classes, art school… something along those lines.</p>
<p>More questions…were you a court appointed guardian for this boy? It sounds like this was not the case…</p>
<p>It doesn’t matter what the legal age is in Japan,…it’s 18 here. The reality is the boy, and the school have NO obligation to talk to anyone else about this kiddo unless HE gives permission for them to do so…and it doesn’t even matter if someone else is paying the bills. He’s 18.</p>
<p>Where does all of his financial support come from and are there any consequences to his behaviors…or do the just think money will solve the problems? It won’t.</p>
<p>The FAMILY needs to deal with this young man. </p>
<p>To the OP…I fully realize your intentions are to help this young man and he NEEDS help (it seems from your posts). BUT you situation does not sound like it will be possible for you to make this situation work. Please involve this boy’s family as a blood relative might be needed to help out at some point…with something other than money.</p>
<p>I want to thank all of you, for your kindness, and insights.
To answer the questions-
He lives at the boarding school, located about 1 hour away.
The young man is Japanese. In Japan, they are recognized as “adults” when they turn 20.
I was asked to be his legal guardian while in the US by his family. I register him for school, take him to Dr. appts. He turns 19 this month.
The Father is currently teaching in Japan. He lives with his parents, in the same house(paid for by the Uncle). He has recently remarried. His daughter is starting her freshman year at a private boarding US high school in the midwest.
This young man chose this high school because they are well known for their arts program. The students attend classes in the morning-6 days a week, and art classes in the afternoon-till dinner-5 days a week. Many of the fashion designer students go on to work for fashion/couture houses in Europe and New York.
I agree with thumper1—I do not believe this young man is a match for a high school environ. He is much older, and I think he gets board in class. He spends hours in the design room–not so much with his other studies. I suggested to the Father that the young man test out of high school, and go on with his passion for design-I got a silence in response(We skype). I do not know if it was because he was thinking, or didn’t want to think of that as a solution…hard to read.
I have tried to talk to the father, and the grandparents about what I felt…and their response is to nod in agreement…but I never hear what they then say to the young man. In this most recent episode, the Father said he had planned to allow his son to go to Korea for vacation, but maybe now would be forced to stay home and work. I agreed with him. I plan to ask what he did while home on vacation–if he went to Korea…
sigh…
HImom—you make a good point—the father usurped my decision. I had not thought about that…humm…it will be something to discuss with the Father before the young man arrives.
Based on the above, are there other ideas/suggestions you might have?</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>This 18 yo’s behavior raises many red flags. He clearly knows he is 18 and can and does make his own decisions. Then there is his father and the extended family who at times decide with their head or with their money. The uncle has more control than you may understand. At the bottom of the totem pole is YOU. And this kid is pushing 19 in a classroom full of sophomores. </p>
<p>You are really is a precarious situation, and could end up being held responsible for things you did not want responsibility for or for things you did not think were your responsibility. </p>
<p>I would first stop calling yourself his guardian, and simply start to be a family friend who is “looking out” for this young man. I would definitely speak to all involved including the uncle and father and student to find out just what the hierarchy is for decision making. And I would make it clear that when the student is in the USA, you need to know just what your role is, and what decisions you can make without being second guessed or usurped by a phone call to Japan.</p>
<p>This is a disaster in the making. You are trying to help, but you may end up getting “screwed” in the process and in the end loosing a friendship.</p>
<p>Totally agree with sunnyflorida. From your description you are getting dumped on, with no support, by his family, and this “kid” (adult by US standards) is non-compliant. I am wondering if he has been dabbling into any drug/alcohol experimentation that could account for his behavior as well. </p>
<p>Is this “kid” (adult) an american citizen or a japanese citizen? Why are you staying involved when the young man is acting out and you are getting undermined by the family? What is in it for you other than stress and heartache? Even if they are paying you to take on this role, based on what you are describing it isn’t worth it. I would predict he will be running into trouble within the first 6-8 weeks of school at the latest.</p>
<p>I’m just curious- not being judgemental- how does it work to have a legal guardian when you are 18 or 19? I would love to appoint one, but thought my child was too old at 18.</p>
<p>Most kids turn 18 during their SENIOR year.</p>
<p>True, my kids turned 18 during their last month of high school- but international students are often older, since/if they are " behind" when they begin in US.</p>
<p>boy sounds like a mess. :(</p>
<p>I waited for OP’s second post to get more information before I decided to post.</p>
<p>Why are you doing this? Are you getting paid? Or are you some how behold to the family? As many posters have said, the kid is over 18, so he is legally an adult in this country. If they can’t control this young many, what make they think you could? </p>
<p>I would tell the family very nicely that in the US once someone is 18+, there is no longer a need for a guardian, even as parents they no longer have any say over the kid. You would be a contact person for this young man, but nothing more. It is up to them to keep on regular contact with their son, via phone or Skype, if they so choose. It is as much as you could do being 1 hour away anyway. Of course, the young man would be welcomed at your house whenever he wants to visit, but like any guest.</p>
<p>I don’t know what’s your relationship with the family, but it is a lot of burden without any authority.</p>