<p>OP-
Can you kindly answer the additional questions that were asked so we can get a more complete picture? Why is this young man 18 and only a sophomore? What is the status of his academic probation since he did not comply with the requirements last year? Do you suspect drugs/alcohol? Why have you agreed to continue in this role since the family is unsupportive, undermines you, does not include you in the communication with their son and he has a history of non-compliance with rules. Is this a paid position? Really-- run, do not walk, from this. You have done what you can.</p>
<p>I’m not a lawyer…but I believe that unless a COURT appointed you as a guardian, you are not a “legal guardian” in any sense here. AND now that he’s over 18, this would not hold unless he is disabled or otherwise incapacitated. </p>
<p>Emerald…agreed often international kids are a “bit” older, but this kids is 2 1/2 years older…at LEAST than his classmates. Being an 18 year old with a group of 15 year old sophomores is not a good plan in my opinion.</p>
<p>To the OP…you have such a good heart and you really want to help. The reality is you are not legally in any position to do so. AND this really needs to fall on this family. They are abdicating their responsibilities to their kiddo…oh…who happens to have adult standing here. If they still want to be in charge, they should insist that he move back to Japan with them where the age for adulthood is twenty.</p>
<p>It is only going to get worse. Time to call up the father in Japan tell him you can not be a “guardian” (legally or informally) to his 18 year old son.</p>
<p>The son does NOT need an adult for any legal stuff – he can sign his own permission slips, make his own medical decisions, etc. He is in <em>America</em> and is 18 and doesn’t need a legal guardian signing his notes.</p>
<p>I suggest backing out of this agreement as quickly and straightforwardly as possible. No explanation is needed. Simply say </p>
<p>“I can not be the ‘guardian’ to your son any longer.” Then let the family figure out their own arrangements, knowing that legally speaking their 18 year old son in America can do as he pleases in terms of making legal arrangements here.</p>
<p>No, a person doesnt have to be court appointed to be a legal guardian. Guardianship may not be the correct term in this case as he is not a minor-- maybe the OP has power of attorney or some other legal authorization. It does need to be in writing and notarized, but yes, unless the person has been declared incompetent they are able to make their own legal decisions. This young man is legally on his own in the US. Also means if he gets on the wrong side of the law, he is not a minor.</p>
<p>OP,
Review this thread carefully, including the title of your post. There is NOTHING in this situation or thread that suggests the situation will improve but a lot to suggest that things could significantly worsen. Please be very careful so that you have a good understanding of your significant risks in continuing to have some figurehead role with no authority in this situation. I agree that the most reasonable thing would be to unequivocally communicate with the young man & ALL his relatives that you will no longer play a role, outside of whatever visits you can fit into your schedule with this young man.</p>
<p>APOL- I just read that he is turning 19 this month, right as he is beginning his sophomore year in high school. Is that correct? I’m surprised that the private school has allowed him to continue on- unless there is some special situation, I can’t imagine that they will allow him to stay much longer if he is not contributing much to the community. It just sounds odd.</p>
<p>I can speak from a different point of view: I have a major disability. Early on after I acquired it (I was in an accident) I learned that caregivers often work themselves into an early grave. If I wanted a happy, healthy spouse (and I did!) then I needed to be independent. Wow. That was a hard message to receive. Fortunately, my spouse heard the same lecture. Between him not being so available and me being determined, we got to the point where I can navigate life. We’ve been married many years now. </p>
<p>So, it may seem hard or “mean” to tell the family that you are not capable of doing this anymore – but it could be exactly the wake up call the family and the young man need. </p>
<p>There is, currently, absolutely no reason for the young man to change what he is doing as long as you are willing to continue to be his doormat. </p>
<p>I think you need to be on the phone ASAP and say "Sorry, I hate for this to happen right before school starts but I am realizing that I simply cannot do this. I am not up to the job. " – then it is up to the young MAN (which is what he is) to come up with a solution. </p>
<p>Don’t relent. You’ve been more than caring. If you like anything at all about this young man, then be absolutely clear that this is not working. No more promises. He has done promises. He needs to go to work – wherever in the world that is. And he needs to be out of your house ASAP. Not only does it relieve you, it helps him. </p>
<p>Close the door. He’s not yet addicted to drugs or a papa – don’t lie around waiting for those two disasters to happen because he’s bored and he has a place to flop.</p>
<p>Your input continues to be helpful, and on more than one post, caused me to stop and think about my situation. SO…Thank you all for your thoughts.
To try to answer your inquiries further…
I agree that it is unusual that the young man is older than his peers. The school seems to be OK with it-so I figure he is not the first student from overseas who comes in older than the US students. I know of at least one other student-a gifted pianist from China. So…I am trying to go with the flow on this age difference.
I am trying to be careful, and that is why your input is so highly valued. I am not a paid guardian-just a family friend. The parents were very close friends of my parents, both of whom have passed. So, these grandparents are very dear to me. I have only recently met their children, one of whom is this young man’s father.
My thinking…the father-nice man-great professor-not so great father. I feel the young man is a gifted designer, and maybe with adult influence, could be a productive member of society. I am cognizant that the father comes in and out of the picture, the influence from the uncle could play a part–but he really is only involved in the extent of giving money to the family, and the grandparents have tried to be the surrogate parents, but didn’t succeed. I even suggested the Uncle talk to the young man about the importance of standing by one’s commitments/word of honor. The grandparents liked the idea-but would not talk to either son about it–and when I suggested it to the father-he was quiet. Dealing with people from Japan can be a challenge to read between the lines.
He does not stay with us-I drive up to the school if there is a need-last year, I think I drove up 3 times–including his end of the year fashion show, the meeting with the Dean w/the grandparents, and a Dr. appt.
During the school holidays the young man has spent time with school friends.
My husband feels the young man will have to “learn from the school of hard knocks”…and maybe he does. I just feel like if there is something I can do to make a difference, then I want to know I tried. I honestly don’t know whether to lay down my expectations–or say nothing, and figure he will learn on his own.
…and that is the reason for this post.</p>
<p>I wonder if he could get an internship or apprenticeship through contacts from the school, and go to work, while taking evening or online classes to finish the diploma? There are also legit diploma programs that would give credit for that work in the fashion industry or in art, in addition to other more academic credits. PM’ed you!</p>
<p>What would happen if he was back in Japan? Just curious how his culture would handle an outside of the box kind of situation like this.</p>
<p>Perhaps your role (as family friend) could be to find some people who the boy could visit or talk to about art portfolios, careers in fashion, design, etc. (informational interviews or even internships). What I fear is if there’s a problem with the way a traditional economics professor father views his artistic fashion-loving son, your efforts will be rebuffed by the father who really holds all the strings. But there may be areas that are of interest to the boy that could be acceptable to a parent who would prefer a more traditional career goal-- like merchandising or non-fashion design. I hope I am not offending anyone with a stereotype of a successful dad not liking his artistic son’s interests; after all, they sent him to this artistic boarding school but in as much as they do not communicate clearly with you, it is hard for me to read between the lines. I think the best help you can be is to encourage the son to find and pursue his passions.</p>
<p>Correct me if I am wrong…There is no problem with him attending the art school as a 19 year old. The school is ok with it, and his father in Japan is ok with it. The problem is this young man has behavior problem - as in following rules and doing his work. </p>
<p>OP’s friends in Japan have some how dump this kid on her lap and expect her to pick up the pieces in the US whenever something goes wrong. OP feels obliged to the grandparents, and also thinks she could some how make a difference in this young man’s life.</p>
<p>My recommendation is don’t get involved. The reason is this young man needs the kind of help you are not trained to give. At age 19, his behavior can’t be changed without going to a professional. You also do not control his purse string, there is no reason for him to listen to you (yes, sometimes our adult kids listen to us because we provide financial support). It is very unfair of the grandparents to expect you to be there whenever there is a problem (waking up in the middle of the night calling people to find the kid). If he is such a problem, they shouldn’t be sending him so far away from home.</p>
<p>OP
It sounds like you are comfortable staying in this role. We all disagree, but that is your decision. However, you are in a position of having all the headaches and none of the authority. I think you will grow weary of this, especially with middle-of-the-night phonecalls. You need to be in the driver’s seat-- they need you, not the other way around. You can tell the family NOW and in writing (email) the conditions by which you are willing to stay in this role. Be clear and be firm -eg- that if you get a middle of the night call you will handle it with your best judgement and will require them to support your decision, and that you will take one and only one crisis call-- after which you are done with this responsibility. If they undermine your decision/authority you are done. If he fails to do what the school requires of him, you are done. Its like the rules of the road- if you stay within the speed limit and follow the rules, there are no consequences. But if you violate the rule, there are consequences. You should set the rules, not them. Be firm, clear and consistent. And do not let guilt or some long past relationship with other generations color your decision-making. You have already gone above and beyond what would be expected of any family friendship.</p>
<p>Sorry to say this, but you are being co-dependent. You are taking on other’s responsibilities at your own expense.</p>
<p>From your posts it sounds like others HAVE said things (summer program folks for example) and this kiddo is still on a slippery slope.</p>
<p>Yes…there are students older perhaps as sophomores…but he will be 19 at the beginning of his sophomore year in high school. In this country MOST kids turn 19 during their freshman year in COLLEGE. This is a huge difference in age.</p>
<p>Does this school have any contacts with folks in the fashion industry? If so…perhaps they can help him out.</p>
<p>The reality is that he will have to learn some HONEST people skills to achieve in the fashion industry where so much is based on personal contacts…and integrity. This fellow sounds like he is missing these skills. It won’t matter how talented he is as a fashion designer, if he doesn’t have honest and reputable social and interactive skills. Does his current school have the ability to help him in this area?</p>
<p>We live on the east coast and personally know a few very talented designers…they actually left COLLEGE…and went to NYC to work in the fashion industry, and are quite successful. BUT these kids were self starters who weren’t receiving monetary support in excess from their parents. And they were not trouble makers in any way.</p>
<p>I hope he’s not one of those kids who ends up abusing them, 'cause boy can one abuse them. In either case, a therapist might be helpful in this situation.
In my humble and unqualified opinion.</p>
<p>Hello to those who have shared, and continue to share suggestions. I appreciate the thought that has gone into your ideas, and want you to know they are not going un"heard".
Oldfort~You are not wrong. The school has invited him back-knowing of the issues he had last year. I have been told by others this is not unusual for a private school to “overlook” issues of non-attendance by full paying students–not so sure they will continue this year. We shall see if it continues, now that the summer school program actually kicked him out. It may have been a wake up call for the young man.
jym626~Your assessment of me being co-dependent may be accurate. You did cause me to pause, and consider what you said and why you gave the assessment you did.
thumper1~“slippery slope” is spot on! all your posts have been so helpful, as I process the situation I have before me. Personally, I agree with you. I think he would do very well working in the fashion industry-for he “lives and breathes fashion”. Leaving college early in his case would be more palatable for his family…as we have discussed this option…but helping him get through high school seems to be the challenge at the moment. Some(Thank you Compmom for the pm!) have suggested a GED or online high school. I plan to research this, and share that with his grandparents should the need arise.
CoolWeather~He is not a US citizen. He is a Japanese citizen. He is in the US on a student visa.
lostanddelirious~My understanding is that he is working with a therapists/psychiatrist, and that is who is giving him the prescriptions.</p>
<p>For high school? If he gets tossed out of the high school, his student visa status will be questionable I believe.</p>
<p>Why can’t he go and live in Japan with his family and finish high school there? It truly sounds like his family either can’t (grandparents) take care of him, or won’t (father) take care of him.</p>
<p>If he is not a citizen, then the idea of working in the fashion industry will not work for him. Student visa holders have restrictions on the number of hours they can work…if any.</p>
<p>Is he actually taking his meds? His behavior makes me wonder if he isn’t skipping the meds that might help him focus. Which also makes me wonder … if he isn’t taking his meds, what might he be doing with them?</p>
<p>Not trying to stir the pot. Just raising the issue.</p>
<p>It seems to me that stepping back into the role of family friend, and dropping the “legal guardian” role, would be best. That way, you could continue to attend his fashion shows, drive him to doctor’s appointments, as well as advise him and his family of options, but no longer be on the school’s list of people to call. I would refuse to have any official capacity here.</p>