<p>You are not giving much weight to the lives that could be destroyed here:</p>
<p>1) Your husband – as he sees this ongoing burden and the worries it causes his wife</p>
<p>2) You – as you stay up nights and agonize</p>
<p>3) The young man – who keeps doing what he has been doing (absenteeism, not much effort) because he is allowed to – and has no impetus to do differently</p>
<p>4) The grandparents – who are hoping for the best and, perhaps, closing their eyes</p>
<p>If the young man were perched on the edge of a building, wouldn’t you feel compelled to at least say “Stop! Let’s not move forward on this path!”??</p>
<p>It may be hard. You may not know what to say. You may say some of it awkwardly or badly. But think of those people who can be deeply hurt if you say nothing and stand by and watch bad things CONTINUE to unfold (not “start” – we are already on the “bad things” path). </p>
<p>The road to hell is paved with good intentions.</p>
<p>I think everyone is giving good advice, but it’s important to understand the cultural and emotional context(s.) Many Asian families who can afford it, send their kids for some period to a high-quality US high school for the sheen it provides in the home country. (Many of these schools are happy to admit full-tuition-paying international students, even if there’s a couple of years age difference.) And, APOL has an emotional/family link to the grandparents, which makes it difficult to disentangle herself In some cultures, one can’t always make an easy/logical decision to back off. This is a highly sensitive situation. And, APOL WANTS to help.
Ah, but you can’t. He has been “given every chance” and proven that he does not take his role as seriously as needed. You must find a culturally acceptable way to say to the family, I am no longer in a position to help. It grieves me. I can’t forgive myself. Or words that express how difficult it is for you to fulfill your committment to the student, to give every sort of attenion he needs…and deserves. Find a way to do this without embarrasing the family.
I had a similar struggle with my committment to an exchange student.</p>
<p>In HI, we have a lot of foreign nationals who come here, with varying arrangements about their kids/families. You court disaster on many fronts when you accept a legal role for a person who has shown that he refuses to follow rules. It is even worse when he and the family do NOT give you any power but want you to have responsibilities–the worst of all worlds.</p>
<p>Please, please extricate yourself as tactfully as possible from this entire situation. Say that you’ll be happy to have the young man over for monthly/weekly dinners and perhaps take him shopping but really can’t extend yourself beyond that due to your other pressing obligations. You owe it to yourself to see this situation clearly and act before things worsen, as they have already progressed alarmingly.</p>
<p>APOL, when you mentioned the father/grandparents nodding, it struck me that they may not have been nodding “in agreement.” In Japanese culture/Japan, nodding doesn’t signify agreement so much as it signals that the listener is paying attention. I don’t know how acculturated they are, of course, but in my experience (as an American who studied Japanese), this habit in particular is hard to break out of it. This probably won’t help your overall situation much, but I just wanted to throw that out there.</p>
<p>The young man arrived late last night. He is sleeping now. (flight delayed 9 hours in SF due to fog)
There are several levels of issues, as you have surmised. Both Lookingforward and psych_ have touched on the cultural issue of nodding-not so much in agreement, but acknowledging they “heard” me. That is where trying to “read” them is tough. Body language wise-they play their cards close to the chest.
HImom, as you live in Hawaii, you are probably more versed in the dynamics of the cultural differences-and your thoughts are filled with wisdom.
I plan to step back more this year-be the family friend-As he is now 18-soon to be 19-guardianship may longer be necessary-allow the young man to learn from his mistakes-and be there when he seeks guidance. My husband will more likely take a more active role, as the young man does seek his counsel. I believe he is gifted, he has been neglected by his father-or maybe misunderstood is a better way to phrase that–and because he is sensitive will continue to encourage him to follow his passion.
Additionally, your posts have caused me to reframe what I see is my role, and obligations to this young man, and his family. I want to thank you all for your help-and insight.
-APOL-a Mum</p>
<p>I think it´s important for you to communicated your involvement with the boy, to avoid any misunderstanding. If they think you are the guardian, and you think you are just going to be a family friend, there maybe a gapy that will need to be filled by someone (like his father).</p>