calling all parents!: how do I make my dad care?!

Parents Forum
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<p>There’s a difference between being miserly and being fiscally minded. The fiscally minded does not always choose the lowest price, but instead looks at value for money. The miserly person always chooses the lowest price regardless of value for money. I’m as cheap as they come, but I’m willing to spend money where it needs to be spent.</p>

<p>Honestly, jigfeet, I think your father’s just being cheap. And if he can’t afford it, he MUST tell you so. Anyone who doesn’t have the maturity or strength to tell their child that they can’t afford something is not ready to run a bath, let alone have a child or run a business. This isn’t about the size of his private part, it’s about your future.</p>

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<p>I believe the OP and it sounds like she unfortunately has an unbalanced father. But reading back, it seems like it’s been clear for months that he was not going to pay for one of these schools. It’s time for the OP to accept that, apply to some schools still accepting applications (there are a surprising number) in hopes of merit aid and decide to go to a CC or take a gap year if that doesn’t pan out. With her stats and a good strategy, she’ll find an affordable situation next year if not this.</p>

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<p>I wonder if your father is afraid of you being better educated and more successful than he is? To me, he sounds very insecure. One reason I think that is his less-than-stellar educational history, and secondly because of the farting bit. Interestingly, some women I know have shared that when their husbands are feeling insecure, they become rude about bodily functions and burp and fart in public with no restraint. </p>

<p>Therefore, I agree with the plan to appeal to his ego and self-interest. Do tell him how smart and experienced he is, how successful he has been and that’s why you depend on his advice and help. If that doesn’t work, then I agree with the suggestion to move out.</p>

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<p>If you matriculate into a degree program at a community college, I think that you lose the ability to reapply as a freshman to schools where you can get a full ride. I hope other people can confirm what I’m saying just to make sure that I’m not getting this wrong. That is the most important part of what I called “Plan B”. A full merit scholarship effectively makes you independent, period, end of story. You need one. I could be wrong, but it appears that you have the academic record to get one somewhere (4.15 GPA, 32 ACT, is that wrong?). This is a resource that YOU have earned. It’s a valuable card that you haven’t played yet. You didn’t know that you needed a full ride, so you didn’t go that route this year. It’s unfortunate, but it’s not your fault. Now you know. Make sure you finish the year well, because your grades do count. </p>

<p>Let’s try a Plan C:
You could take the gap year and just live at home and work. Do some stuff that would improve your application. You could self-study some AP’s, take the test and earn some credits. You could register for a few Community college classes locally just to earn some credits. There is some forward progress to be made. Make sure you do not lose your ability to apply to colleges as a freshman and get their merit aid. I think that means don’t matriculate, but it’s worth looking into schools where people get full rides and calling to confirm that you wouldn’t lose that status. Do all of this without alienating your parents, whose cooperation you may need to fill out the financial aid form next year. Good luck.</p>

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<p>Another possibility? </p>

<p>A few years ago, an acquaintance of my D’s had a somewhat similar situation. She got a job as a live-in nanny through an agency. It wasn’t her dream job, but she did like kids and believe me that even in this economy, there are lots of families looking for US citizens with clean driving records. She worked for a family that only required her services Monday-Friday. </p>

<p>By living in, she was able to save almost everything she earned that year. She had been involved in an EC in high school and was able to get temp jobs almost every weekend related to that. Everyone knew her situation. </p>

<p>Early during the second year she worked as a nanny, a prof at a college who was a single parent needed child care.Her kids were school age and as a prof she had some flexibility, but had to do some traveling. She heard about this young woman and offered her a live in position if she got admitted to the college. The college waived the usual rule that frosh had to live in the dorm. </p>

<p>When there’s a will there’s a way.</p>

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<p>Jigfeet, you are feeling really beat up at the moment and for good reason. Give yourself a couple of days to get back on your feet. Then take another look at the situation. </p>

<p>No matter how noble, base, or tortured your dad’s motivations are, the result is the same. He wants to to stay home and go to cc and you have bigger dreams. Second, I think that you’re already realizing that your dreams are not dependent on any individual institution of higher learning. You need to realize also that a dream deferred is not the end of that dream. Life is long and there are lots of ways to reach your goals. You’ve gotten some really good suggestions here.</p>

<p>First step, call up the schools that admitted you, explain your situation, and talk to them about the possibility of deferring for a year. Accept the school that seems most flexible (both about the deferral and about finaid) and reject the rest. That will gain you a little breathing room, and in the extremely remote possibility that your dad comes around will give you a place to go to school.</p>

<p>Next, explore some of the possibilities that have been presented here. I like CRD’s suggestion of not jeapardizing your freshman status but instead using your gap year productively and reapplying to schools that will give you a full ride. There are plenty of lesser-known schools that would be thrilled to have you, and any of them will give you a good education.</p>

<p>If the armed forces seem scary/not a good fit to you, at least take a look at the Coast Guard. You may not know that the Coast Guard is not part of the Dept. of Defense but is instead part of the Dept. of Homeland Security. It has a different mission and culture than the army, navy, etc. Not to say that you can’t find yourself in harm’s way, but it’s a different kind of harm’s way (border patrol, search and rescue, etc.) Plus like any other large organization there are tons of desk jobs.</p>

<p>Although I’m not didactic about this, your family situation is so seriously dysfunctional that putting some physical distance between you and them might be a good idea. Please don’t look at this as disowning them. You can say to them that you love them but that you feel for your own personal growth you need to be physically separate from them. What they do with that information is their own decision.</p>

<p>Finally, I strongly urge you that no matter where you end up, go to Alanon or Ala-Teen. I went to Alanon for a while and it was extremely helpful. One of the most important things I learned there was that you can’t expect to change other people, but you can change your response to them. In answer to your first post - you can’t make your dad care. Period. Nobody but he can make himself care. Instead you have to formulate your own plan and see where it takes you. Given how unreliable your dad has been in the past, even if he changes his mind and offers financial support, he will probably withdraw that support in the future. You can still love him, but don’t depend on him any longer. He is not a dependable person.</p>

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<p>“If you matriculate into a degree program at a community college, I think that you lose the ability to reapply as a freshman to schools where you can get a full ride.”</p>

<p>S checked into this during his gap year and was told that he could take up to 4 community college classes before having to apply to college as a transfer. </p>

<p>The OP should ask colleges that interest her about their policies.</p>

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<p>"You could take the gap year and just live at home and work. Do some stuff that would improve your application. You could self-study some AP’s, take the test and earn some credits. "</p>

<p>Her home is so dysfunctional that it probably would be best if she lived away from home. There’s every indication that living at home would further sabotage her dreams of getting a college education.</p>

<p>The live-in nanny option might be a possibility as could getting a fulltime job and moving out by renting a room or having several roommates. Where there’s a will , there’s a way.</p>

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<p>“To everyone who thinks I am selfish for refusing Uflorida: I did not get accepted. Months ago I thought I had been because they said I was eligible for some honors thing, but apparently that was preliminary and I did not get accepted. I had written that in my original post, but I guess it was accidentally deleted when I combed through it again. Believe me…Florida would be a sweet relief right now.”</p>

<p>Are you a Florida resident? If so, your grades should qualify you for Bright Futures scholarships, which depending on your grades and scores would pay a large percentage of your tuition at Fla. public universities or community colleges.</p>

<p>There also are states like Georgia that have similar programs for in-state students.</p>

<p>If you are a Fla. resident, you probably still can get accepted to some 4-year colleges in state. Of course, the community colleges are also still accepting applications. The same probably is true of other states.</p>

<p>So… your dad’s offering to send you to UF, a school you weren’t accepted to. That’s more evidence of his manipulativeness. Please believe me: Do not rely on him for anything regarding your college or future support.</p>

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<p>So she’s lived at home for 18 years and pulled a 4.15 gpa and a 32 ACT. If she’s more comfortable there, I don’t see a problem with staying a little longer to execute my “Plan C”. It doesn’t sound like there is abuse, her needs are just basically ignored. Might as well take the free rent. At least she’s getting something out of dear old dad.</p>

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<p>I’m all for free rent, but living with an uncommunicative, mercurial father and a depressed, alcoholic mother can sometimes bring one’s spirits down. But if she knows that it’s only for one year she might be able to hang in there without letting the general misery of the situation infect her. Especially if she can arrange her schedule so she’s never at home except to sleep.</p>

<p>Still… Alanon/Alateen. If nothing else it helps to know that you’re not the only one.</p>

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<p>Jig, how did you miss getting a scholarship at SU with those stats (post 64)?! Are you sure they didn’t offer you anything? I remember SU’s merit aid being fairly decent and I know my D’s friend got a scholarship for next year with lower stats than that. I would definitely call their FA office to inquire about this (though it’s still likely to be expensive compared to CC or state schools).</p>

<p>If you still want to go to SU, they do have articulation agreements with several community colleges in upstate NY. I think Genesee CC is one of them. I went this route to get my SU degree many years ago. Your dad is partially right about Syracuse, it gets cold up here from Nov-March but it’s definitely not a high cost of living area! Rents are fairly cheap, it’s the heat that costs!</p>

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<p>My concern about her staying with them is that it’s possible that her very dysfunctional parents will manage to create some kind of emergency that would make it difficult for her to leave the house after her year there. Obviously, neither parent is eager to have her fly the nest. Parents like that can be very manipulative, so that’s why I think it would be for the best if she moved into her own place. In addition, the longer she stays there, the harder it will be for her to know what normal behavior is like.</p>

<p>Al-Anon, Adult Children of Alcoholics groups and Al-Ateen could help give her support and information to make up her mind about how best to handle her situation.</p>

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<p>Forgive me if this has already been posted but I couldn’t read through ALL the pages of responses.</p>

<p>Have you considered filling out the FAFSA as an independent. While it is late to be just now getting to FAFSA, the deadline isn’t until June or July. The college deadlines are probably earlier, though you may be able to explain to them your change in circumstances.</p>

<p>All the best sweetie, my heart breaks for you.</p>

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<p>She cannot file the FAFSA as an independent because she’s probably a dependent on her parents’ tax return. There are legal definitions of “independent,” and since she’s living at home, she cannot meet the criteria.</p>

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<p>I really liked someone’s nanny idea. We had several over the years in a position similar to the OP’s. The worked for us days and took classes at night. they chose a city the wanted to live in–NY in our case, had room, board and a good salary and they often get mentors in the deal too.</p>

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<p>Hi all, it is D-day and it has been an extremely bumpy April. It has been so disheartening as I realize just how manipulating my dad is, and that I try not to be affected but I am actually completely immersed.</p>

<p>About a week after my original post, I found that I was accepted into the honors program at Iowa, and was also receiving a 12k scholarship (4k a year). I gathered the courage and presented the honors program letter to my dad, and made it seem like it was an extremely prestigious deal, and not many people get accepted. He was extremely proud (or acted like he was), and I raved about the “amazing” opportunities for me through the program. As he was happy, I then presented the scholarship to him, which made him even happier. I said that I would be able to contribute 5k this year, plus the 4k scholarship, plus take out 5k in loans, plus use my 529 plan (about 3k). So the cost really goes down about 17k.
He didn’t want to talk about it, however, and remained quiet. I told him that I needed to know within that day if I was accepting admission (lies), and after a good minute of silent, he barked out “accept!”</p>

<p>So I accepted admission to Iowa. However, I am still completely skeptical of his decision and have no doubts that he will hold this over my head for the next 4 years, if not preventing me from attending at all in the fall. So I plan on applying to colleges next fall where I can get full-rides or nearly full-rides and transferring there and out from my dad’s payroll, which is what many of you suggested. He talks more about college and told me I should join a sorority and sign up for orientation…but that’s about it. I have lost a lot of my trust in him, which is just extremely sad.</p>

<p>I can’t express how much your posts helped me. I haven’t received help or sympathy or strength in so long, and it was nice hearing it from someone.</p>

<p>Thanks again, truly.</p>

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<p>Congrats on the Iowa acceptance. Give your dad time to adjust. It may take him far longer than for most parents, but tell yourself that by September, you will be mostly out of his daily control. Look forward to that.</p>

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<p>I just saw this thread. Broke my heart, but I am happy that OP will be attending at Iowa after all. Good luck, jigfeet, and keep us posted…I am sure many of us will seek out your updates…and will keep our fingers crossed for you. </p>

<p>I am going to get my daughter (a junior currently studying for the APs next week) to read parts of this thread so that she realizes how lucky she is that all she has to deal with is go to school, work her butt off, fill out her forms, write her essays and wait for acceptances.</p>

<p>This thread also illustrates how great most of you all are that helped this young woman who had nobody else to turn to for support.</p>

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<p>Congrats Jigfeet. It sounds like you re on the road to success, and you handled the situation well! One last thought, once you get to school, and get settled in, seek out a campus counselor to help you sort out some of these issues and help you stay clearly focused on your future! It is important to remember you are not alone, there are always people willing to listen and help when you reach out.
Best of luck.</p>