<p>Wipedoutmom, my sincere sympathy for all that you are going through. There are some great suggestions offered here. I guess I would only add that with the spring semester moving along quickly I would look to May as a time that you could really set a deadline to get him evaluated. That way maybe there is a chance you could have him on the right track by the time fall rolls around. It just might be easier to do once the school year is over and you and he can concentrate on getting him well. I recognize that this process may take much longer, but I think I would set May as my own personal deadline to take action. Hugs to you and your entire family.</p>
<p>The last time we did get him to someone about a year ago…he turned on his charisma and had the therapist literally eating out of his palm, and mind you this was a well regarded psychiatrist, with over 20 years of experience, who at the end of a 2nd visit was almost in awe of our son and practically was saying he couldn’t understand why we were there. In fairness this time around his issues are much deeper, his depression much worse, his social anxiety much more heightened so I do think when I could finally get him into an office he would open up and I think upon exposing himself, a doctor would see what is going on, its just getting him there.</p>
<p>Is there a way to find a therapist that knows how to “see through” the charm and smoke/mirrors that your son seems able to put forth to fool some professionals. BTW…having 20 years experience is not a guarantee that a therapist won’t get fooled. My sister is a therapist, and she definitely doesn’t think all “veteran” therapists are alike. So, much can depend on their training, the philosophy of their education, and how current they’ve stayed with the latest info. </p>
<p>It’s unlikely that you’d be able to provide any info to the therapist, unless it was a family therapist that was seeing both of you who would then refer your son to a private therapist. That might be the best route to take…see someone who will counsel your family so info can come out, and then the son gets personally referred.</p>
<p>Check to see if your health insurance covers behavioral health. If so, you may be able to go through them to find appropriate help. Even if you aren’t covered, you can go online to large health insurance sites like Aetna.com and use it to search for behavioral health providers near you and get some additional info about potential providers such as their sub-specialties and credentials.</p>
<p>I agree about the evaluation. In answer to your question on finding someone, I would urge you to go to [NAMI:</a> National Alliance on Mental Illness - Mental Health Support, Education and Advocacy](<a href=“http://www.nami.org%5DNAMI:”>http://www.nami.org) and look for nami in your area. They offer support, advocacy and referrals throughout the country. They are a tremendous resource for family members who are struggling. They should be able to get you started in your area.</p>
<p>wipedoutmom, I am so sorry for what you are going through. Your pain comes through clearly. I agree with other posters that getting professional help for your son is what is needed. I would get help for yourself immediately, though, for several reasons. First is the general principal of putting on your own oxygen mask before helping others - you can help your son more effectively if you help yourself first. Second, you need to come up with an approach to present to your son. Right now, you don’t know how to deal with him - whether to cut him off financially, what demands to make, how much contact with the rest of the family to allow. You need to get yourself to a position of strength, where you know how you want to approach him, and you are sure of yourself. If you were to go to him now, he would sense your uncertainty. If you are able to say whatever needs to be said, e.g., “We have arranged for you to see Dr. X/enter program Y/whatever on {date}, and we expect you to be there,” and mean it, he will sense this. It may very well come as a relief to him to have someone else take control.</p>
<p>wipedoutmom - my thoughts are with you.</p>
<p>To help him see why he’d benefit by attending therapy, can you take a mental inventory through all the relatives who live nearby. </p>
<p>Is there one, especially same gender, perhaps a cousin or young uncle, in between your age and your son’s. That person might be a fresh voice to talk over with your son how seeking help is a good idea.</p>
<p>Also, does it have to be sending him to help? What if the whole family or just the parents and him, going in a group together for a few sessions. He’s probably convinced you’re all the problem anyway, so might come along more readily if it’s not hyperfocused on him alone at first.</p>
<p>Once trust is established, the dr. can ask for private sessions with some family members, bloodwork, trial meds for more than just one family member…whatever seems necessary.</p>
<p>Your pain comes thru. I’m sorry the first psychiatrist did not consult with you as well as your son. Presenting well can be a symptom of bipolar dx, as others have suggested. To learn more about signs of depression and/or bipolar, go to narsad.org</p>
<p>To help find a psychologist in your area, try the APA.org (American psychological assoc) or the National register of health service providers in psychology. Both list training & specialties. Unfortunately, its hard to find a good fit the first time around.</p>
<p>Please don’t make any decisions or issue any ultimatums for your son until YOU are seeing a counselor/family therapist who can help you figure out the path to take with this.</p>
<p>Just thought I would share with all of you that I have an appt. first thing tomorrow morning with someone who a good friend highly recommended, this is for ME, and I figured as per what many of you suggested…that I need to stay strong and keep myself in check if I am to remain strong for the long haul, and no matter what kind of help we get, there will be no “quick fix” or magic bullet so I realize this will be a process as such things are, and you are all are sooo right, I do need support and some guidance myself. In addition, I took the time to write my son a long email and explain myself to him and told him in no uncertain terms that we are making an appt. for him as well to see someone in the next week and we will not be able to give him his weekly money (he has his college card for food and essentials however) unless he is willing to comply and that this is only for his well being, and that we can no longer live like this and we feel like we are literally being held hostage,etc…he wrote back that he was between classes but would call me tonight. So lets see how this plays out but in the meantime wanted to say thanks so very much for all the fantastic suggestions, each and every one of them is just great and they all mean a lot. I feel better already knowing I am speaking to someone tomorrow morning.</p>
<p>Wipedout, hugs. I am so glad you are seeing someone. I have gone through ups and downs in my own life and have seen the difference a competent therapist can make. Sometimes you need enough distance from your problems (by trying to describe them to a total stranger) to gain control over them. </p>
<p>There are no magic potions in life… but you may discover that you sleep much better tonight than you have in months. That alone can start you down a much better path with your son.</p>
<p>wipedoutmom, GOOD FOR YOU for getting yourself help. I have found that having someone to talk to helps a great deal. Chances are that your therapist will be able to make some specific referrals once he/she has a handle on what you’re facing. We have gotten some excellent referrals from doctors who were already familiar with our family’s dynamics, medical situations, etc. and knew who among their network of colleagues would have an effective approach to treatment (both from a physical and behavioral health perspective). </p>
<p>It saved a lot of slogging around trying to find someone who would “fit,” and when one doc calls another to make a referral, they can discuss issues (with your permission) so it’s not like the second doc is coming in cold. (It also makes it easier to get a prompt appointment.)</p>
<p>Sending many hugs and strength as you embark on this journey.</p>
<p>Great job, wipedoutmom. Your son might kick and scream right now, but here’s hoping one day he realizes that you only have his very best interests at heart. You took the hardest step and that is a real credit to you. All the best, I’ll keep you in my thoughts.</p>
<p>You must be strong and stop financing your son’s life. Tough love will be tough. No more signing tuition checks, or meal plans, or housing checks. No monthly allowance. Set the ground rules. If he gets a medical and a psychiatric evaluation you will do A. If he meets a certain GPA you will do B. If he turns things around you will reconsider. But you hold the keys, and you can’t keep doing what you are doing. It’s not working. GLAD to hear you made an appointment for yourself. Your therapist has help YOU to see what is happening with your son and help support you in the difficult weeks and months that lie ahead. Your son can turn this around. But it might get uncomfortable for him before he does so.</p>
<p>WipedOut Mom: how did the conversation with your son go last night? And how did the visit with the therapist go today?</p>
<p>I, too, was sorry to hear that the visit with the first psychiatrist didn’t go well. It is a tough position when the expert doesn’t see what is obvious to you–particularly when you are trying your best to do the right thing. It reminds me of when my father had to put my grandmother in a nursing home, after literally trying every other option possible. He finally got her to go to the nursing home–and then her pastor came to the nursing home and confronted him, accusing him of neglecting her. What a slap in the face. But he knew that she needed help, and you know your son needs help. I’m glad that you are persevering.</p>
<p>Does your area have telephone info 211? It’s like dialing 411, except it’s for mental health resources. In some areas, they will explain options within the array of mental health services.
You might consider notifying the folks at mental health services at your son’s school. They may be aware of your son, but probably are not. I doubt that they will “do” anything, but they can listen to you. Colleges do not want to deal with the aftermath of mental health emergencies. It is entirely possible that other students or RA’s have noticed that something is not right with your son. They will want to avoid a mental health tragedy.<br>
Kudos to you for seeking help and taking care of yourself. Parenting is the job that never ends.</p>
<p>Hi, well this morning was most definitely a real sense of relief in terms of being able to “unload” in fact it became a two hour talkfest for me (her appt got canceled) so it worked out well.</p>
<p>I gave her the whole history in a condensed version and brought her to the present. She was of course riveted but not at all, surprised, it was obvious she has seen and heard it all before, and in fact towards the end she confided that she dealt with not too different a situation with her own son who is now in his thirties, a lawyer, married with twin girls, she didn’t elaborate much other than to say they “weathered some heavy storms” and she shares my pain. </p>
<p>We spoke much more about ME and the toll this has taken on my life and my relationships with my husband, other kids, job, friendships,etc…I told how worn down I feel, about my deepest fears, how emotionally and mentally checked out and depleted I always feel and how I always look back looking for something that maybe I did wrong, looking for a reason maybe to blame myself for him and his actions…she said thats classic behavior…the blame game. </p>
<p>So she sat and listened a long time. I was very comfortable with her. I am going back next week, she is giving the whole situation some thought and with my permission asked to discuss the situation with a colleague to see if she can also suggest a few leads for my son as well, she does suggest family therapy down the road but right now suggest separate people for each of us and could not say enough how important it is that i take care of myself right now, as someone here said, putting on the oxygen mask before helping the others. It was effective and soothing for me, to get it all out in the open…the good, the bad and the ugly.
She did say he has totally fed into my giving and unconditional loving nature. </p>
<p>He has milked it to no end and I have given him, unknowingly carte blanche to do so. I don’t know any other way. I quit law school when he was a baby out of tremendous guilt to raise him full time and never not one day since, did I ever put anything before him or my other two. Mistake? Best thing I could have ever done? Who knows…I guess it depends on the kid.</p>
<p>For this son, it was almost too much, it almost suffocated him and he is I think she surmised missing out on a desperate need to detach and a necessity to break away, but the problem is now he is in a very vulnerable state and very fragile…so it is not the time now, so I must walk a fine line. </p>
<p>This will require taking very very tiny baby steps with no rash moves, thinking of every thing I say to him and every move I make. I hope today was a turning point if not for all of us, for myself.</p>
<p>My son and I spoke briefly, we have a family function over the weekend, so we agreed to meet up early on Sunday to talk a bit, and then go to the wedding afterwards. We will go over the fact that we are looking into a therapist and that we have decided that this is non negotiable…which I told him last night and he didn’t put up much of an argument, but that could change.</p>
<p>No we don’t have 211, but what a great idea…wish we did.</p>
<p>Again, Susan Forward writes about living life in a FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt). There are some ways to be generous and loving without being a doormat. </p>
<p>Remember when you were a kid and you picked at that scab on your knee? You knew you weren’t supposed to, but . . . well, most of us picked at it until it really bled and really hurt and then we learned not to. </p>
<p>Your son may need to do something similar. He may need to experience some real messiness before he decides not to anymore. The trick is how to keep that from being totally destructive to him and you. </p>
<p>If you feel he would do better in a new venue, don’t let a lack of relations stop that from going forward. Drive him to where ever he want to try and set him up with some basics and some cash and say “Go for it!” If you have long been a hovering mom, then he might be shocked and pleased and scared – all of which can be good things.</p>
<p>Sounds like you’re moving in the right direction for both you and your son, congratulations! The only thing I might want to suggest is that you don’t discuss all this before the wedding, it could all blow up. I don’t know your son but if I tried that kind of discussion with my daughter before a family event it would be a disaster! Just a thought.</p>
<p>wipedout- you will have to change your screen name! You sound like “on the way to being rejuvenated” or something like that. I am so so happy you found someone who listens to you and can validate the feelings of hopelessness and fear that you have. I hope you slept well last night.</p>
<p>Move forward. Your son needs to know that you are acting out of love and concern, but that his getting help is the next step in the process. You need to know that although you may have one or two friends or family members who are or can become judgmental, the VAST majority of people in your circle will be relieved, supportive, loving and empathetic if/when they realize you are going through a bad time with your son. Some of them because they are by nature loving and empathetic. Some of them because they have gone through bad stuff which they were too ashamed to discuss with you. Some of them because they are IN THE MIDST of bad stuff, and your bravery in being open with them will help them with their own demons. And some of them are still in denial about bad stuff, and you may save them, a family member, or someone close to them, if your example helps open their eyes.</p>
<p>Hugs to you. We are always happen to listen. And very few of us judge- you’d be surprised at the full range of pathologies that the CC parents have experienced with our family members!!!</p>