<p>I would acknowledge her feelings, they are valid and it won't help her if you tell her she shouldn't feel this way. Let her explain and re-explain how it makes her feel, and then suggest that she pick a date or an event when she will put this disappointment behind her and will move on, because that is the way it is. Tell her a story about how you got over a disappointment and then leave it alone. If it lasts past June you might consider a professional counselor.</p>
<p>Gee ID, you must be an efficiency expert - only one week allowed for grieving a loss!</p>
<p>Not all of us do the college search/application process perfectly. Not everyone reads college confidential or lives in a part of the country where Ivy rejects are a dime a dozen. Your advice is more appropriate for a parent or student entering the process, not struggling with it.</p>
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Your advice is more appropriate for a parent or student entering the process, not struggling with it.
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<p>Unfortunately, it is not possible turn back the clock and undo expectations that have already been created. However, I do think it's important for the parents in this case to not further reinforce "grief" over not getting into "Acme College" when "Framus College" is such a fantastic option.</p>
<p>Advice to next year's parents: Don't put ANY of these schools on a pedestal until your kid is accepted. They are all just colleges.</p>
<p>not to sound flip, but you might have your daughter read my thread about picking up the pieces. It might give her some perspective.</p>
<p>It's May 4th and he still doesn't have a school to go to.</p>
<p>My son experienced the same thing last year being rejected at his first choice where he applied ED, and a few other "top 10" schools. He is now attending U of Chicago. </p>
<p>While he is not totally happy at U of C, he seems to be adjusting much better now. He has applied as a transfer student to three schools that had rejected him and is waiting for decisions from two of them, with an acceptance to the other.</p>
<p>Even though Chicago is difficult and he has had to work pretty hard, he recognizes the quality of the education there.</p>
<p>The OP's D has had by now nearly six weeks since learning that Yale was not an option. I have to say that, as I read this thread, I was thinking about Andi's S, too.</p>
<p>Wow, this is a tough crowd. </p>
<p>I, for one, agree with interesteddad's main point : the "moral of this story" for future applicants. Given what's been going on recently with selective college admissions, almost nobody should be taking admission to any particular one of these places as a given. Applicants should not develop unrealistic expectations about the process. They should not get too attached to any of the places they apply to, and should prepare themselves for the very real possibility that a number of these places will not ultimately accept them, even though on paper it appears that they should. And they should apply only to places they would be happy to attend. (Including a safety or two).</p>
<p>Naturally it feels bad to be rejected, but at the end of the day she should still have been happy with her acceptances to these excellent schools, assuming she applied to them for the right reasons. IMO. There are other people who have it much worse right now.</p>
<p>As far as what to do now, others above have had good suggestions. But with the right mindset going in these results should not have been so shattering.IMO.</p>
<p>I mean offense to no one. I rarely read (or remember) the poster's names anyway! But I have to say that threads like this one make me wonder about the perspectives and priorities of many of the parents who are active on this board. I find it amazing that accommodations for this sulky attitude need to be dealt with so tenderly 5 weeks after the rejections. Gosh, this is ONLY college, everyone. How important has this application process been made to be, anyway?? It's one thing to be an educated consumer--it is quite another to base one's well being on these 4 years of college. I have to say--I don't get it. I think IDad is right on the money here. My "advice" would be to stop and count your blessings--then move on. This should just not be something that devastates a child.
I say this with respect to all.</p>
<p>I think this thread brings up a good point about applications to the Ivies...which EVERY applicant should remember. The Ivies have many many applicants who can fill their enrollment pool. Many with very top credentials are rejected each year. When applying to these schools, there are no "absolute acceptances". If my child were planning to apply to the Ivies (and a handful of other highly selective schools), I would support that decision but would also lay the groundwork that these are not definites for ANY applicant (unless your parent is a powerful politician, or is donating millions of dollars for buildings). Every student should follow their dream and apply, but they should be aware from the start that there are no guarantees, and that an acceptance should be viewed as a bonus.</p>
<p>Shoulda woulda coulda! The poster is looking for advice on how to handle her daughter's feelings now and all this advice on what she SHOULD do and feel does not help. </p>
<p>I agree with many of the sentiments on how to handle the college search process but they don't apply to this person at this point in time. Telling someone to Buck up, move on or to count their blessings because someone else has it worse off does not help.</p>
<p>FWIW: we were not thrilled by a frosty reception in the admissions department at Rice (made getting an interview nearly impossible), and felt the campus was too "clean" and deserted when we visited, and the other interviewing applicants looked so "Sunday School" with ties and pantyhose... I forced daughter to apply anyway -and when she went to admitted students weekend she called me to say, "This is the place!" So her impressions of Rice and her feelings towards it definitely changed for the better. Now she loves it! Did your daughter attend Owl Weekend?</p>
<p>This reminds me of the Olympics. The leading athlete from a perennial superpower in the sport would take home the bronze medal and feel disappointment....whereas the competitor from Moldova, had she won that bronze medal, would consider it the highlight of her life.</p>
<p>I agree with arizonamom, remind your daughter she can always transfer if she ends up disliking it. But she should head off to campus determined to make the best of it and give it a fair chance. She might find it fits her very well.</p>
<p>First, worrying about how a student will feel in August because she is not happy now in early May strikes me as pointless.
Second, I feel too much solicitude can be counterproductive. It's like worrying a scar instead of leaving it alone to heal.
I'm actually struck by the incongruity of choosing Rice because of the warm weather and mourning over Ivies--none of which to my knowledge is located in a warm weather area.</p>
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none of which to my knowledge is located in a warm weather area.
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<p>It was kinda warm in Boston today...with a ski turtleneck and a sweater!</p>
<p>When people talk about shoulda woulda coulda, I see their point. The Op D picked these schools to apply to. SHE CHOSE them. As far as I can see, they weren't forced upon her, like sending her off to Siberia. So, it was a decision she made, and now, she has the results, which I think were pretty darn good. </p>
<p>My D wants to take a class this summer at her HS, 5 plus hours A DAY, for six weeks, ending early evening/ I asked her several times if this is what she really wanted to do. So she made the decision to go. I told her that I won't mind a few complaints, but as this was her decision, no matter what, she needs to stick it out. She may decide NEXT summer to do something different, but this is her decision.</p>
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<blockquote> <p>not to sound flip, but you might have your daughter read my thread about picking up the pieces. It might give her some perspective. Andi<<</p> </blockquote>
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<p>I can't agree with you more, Andi! Definite reality check needed.</p>
<p>I think the advice being given here is all really, really good--from interesteddad's "buck up" to the more compassionate ;) moms posting. Jamimom, cheers--bravo, could you come be my childrens' mom for a while? They would breathe a big sigh of relief!</p>
<p>I really do think there is great truth in id's statement:
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For next year's parents: The solution to this problem starts a year or more in advance. Don't allow your kids to build a mindset where acceptances to three of the best colleges and universities in the country will be viewed as a disappointment. Banish the word "ivies" from you vocabulary. If individual schools in that football conference are a good fit, on their own merits, not because of their football conference, so be it.
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<p>I had already reached that conclusion in many ways myself. With the crazy preferences, legacies, athletic recruiting, development candidates, etc. that comprise the Ivies these days, I just don't know that it's worth it to even TRY for those schools unless you are a nationally-recognized something. Sure, some will get in--but are the sacrifices, the tension, the resume-building, and the inevitable disappointment for most, even worth the chase? My own conclusion at the moment is, "I doubt it". (And I am a graduate of one, so this is NOT sour grapes!)</p>
<p>I think the "tough love" and "no whining" approach is appropriate sometimes--I'm not saying with regard to this particular girl, but sometimes it is. But even as we are saying it, we are still bleeding for our babies' sadness! Best to you Annaliese's mom, and hope your daughter finds, as so many have before her, that soon she will be thinking "Thank goodness Yale rejected me because I am so much happier here (wherever that is) than I could ever have been at Yale!" Really, I have heard that refrain SO many times from kids. In the meantime, I guess I'd just pretty much keep living my own life--and treating her-- the way I always do, and trust that she will take cues from me and conclude that since I am not acting like this is the end of the world, it probably isn't.</p>
<p>The thing that really gets under my skin about the phrase "the ivies" is that the various schools in that football conference are so incredibly different from one another. I mean, it would be hard to be more different than Dartmouth and Harvard or Cornell and Princeton or Yale and Columbia. </p>
<p>To me, just using the phrase, more often than not, implies a certain lack of sophistication in the college selection process. The fact that each school's low-band athletic recruits play football against each other (poorly, I might add) doesn't imply much in the way of similarities in the type, location, size or focus of each member school.</p>
<p>For example, if you want a PhD in Economics, you are twice as likely (statistically speaking) if you are an undergrad at Wellesley or Chicago than at Dartmouth, Brown, Cornell, or Columbia. But, investigating specifics like that requires a lot more sophistication than just falling in love with (or grieving over) "the ivies" because everybody has heard the name of the football conference.</p>
<p>Like Patient, I, too find this discussion very interesting & I have a respect for all the viewpoints expressed, as they all contain important arguments.</p>
<p>I do agree with IDad in that the preparation strategy is key. However, I'd like to discuss it from another angle for a minute. We are all so focused on "rank" much of the time, & I don't just mean perceived prestige: I mean, we even rank the lists into reach/match/safety -- categorizing preferences in a hierarchy. This method has its own pitfalls, because that hierarchy is often based on a single element: the relationship between the intellectual opportunities at the school & the intellectual material of the student.</p>
<p>Now I grant you, for many students (my D included) intellectual challenge in a 4-yr institution is paramount; she's not enrolling to show off; she's enrolling to enjoy (and she does) even greater demands on her intellect than she has experienced heretofore. But no one is merely a cerebral cortex in locomotion. And engaged learning does not take place in an emotional vacuum. Elements other than academics contribute to the academic enjoyment (or lack thereof), no matter how nerdy the student.</p>
<p>It is possible --& we've seen it on CC -- that a student can get rejected from all of their most intellectually challenging college choices -- although I think that in those cases (rejection "sweeps"), something has been lacking in the self-assessment of reach vs. match, and/or in the polishing & attention to the applications, interviews, etc. But let's pretend for a moment that such an outcome is merely bad luck for a particular student, who gets accepted only to low-matches & safeties. No amount of "bucking up" will truly make that student feel grateful for those acceptances, let alone enthusiastic. The <em>one</em> element that was focused on -- intellectual challenge -- has been denied to him/her.</p>
<p>It seems to me that one way to avoid cosmic disappointment is to include on the list -- no matter how you derive your personal rankings -- only colleges which include some elements essential to your satisfaction. So, you didn't get into any Ivy, but you got into one respected LAC with campus beauty to die for and the very e.c.'s you're still wedded to -- perhaps the other 2 essential elements in your happiness quotient. You don't lie to yourself & pretend it's your fantasy college, but you can imagine yourself going to school there, & you are at least not turned off by the idea. There can be no devastating outcome; you will enjoy the atmosphere whether you discover, after enrolling, that it is more of a reach than you ever realized -- or whether your belief is verified that a bigger reach is still within your grasp via a transfer attempt.</p>
<p>To focus only on the intellectual is an incredibly high-risk strategy. The list that the OP's D had, seemed to have intellectual rigor as its only common element. Perhaps the D even sensed that the schools she was "left with" (all great schools) did not have the particular "atmospheric" features that were important to <em>her</em> personally. On the other hand, maybe the warm weather feature of Rice is something she is already bartering with in the process of making her internal peace with some choices.</p>
<p>I don't know if I'm making sense: I just throw that out there.</p>
<p>I do agree with IDad & others that the wisdom of The List is the key, but I think that in order for an overall college application strategy to be win/win, elements other than academics must be calculated into the reach/match/safety configuration.</p>
<p>Good point epiphany, but also worth pointing out that, for all but a handful of students, there are at least 100 colleges in the country that can provide all the intellectual challenge one could ask for. I doubt there exist students who are so brilliant that Rice, Chicago and Wellesley will not open new worlds for them. For someone, not the OP's daughter, who is truly headed for a school with lower AVERAGE academic standards, remember that the faculty ranks of the nation's leading colleges are filled with people who did not get their undergraduate degrees at the Ivies, or Ivy-level schools, whatever that means. Somehow they managed to muddle through with degrees from- name your favorite safety school.</p>
<p>What people make of their lives depends much more on who they are, how hard they work, and what fields they choose, than where they go to college. </p>
<p>OP remind your daughter that most people who go there love Rice, and she probably will to. In any case, she loses nothing academically.</p>