Daughter unhappy with college choice-- what to do?

Parents Forum
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<p>I agree that there are 2 separate issues at hand here. Bright, motivated, successful kids don't often have much experience with rejection or, in their minds, failure. Until the college acceptance/rejection experience, they may have been pretty used to knowing how to get what they want. I dont mean that in a selfish way-- they have just learned to be successful problem-solvers. Set a goal-- achieve it. They have learned what it takes to get A's. They follow the rules, and they get the desired outcome (for the mostpart). It is understandible that they would hope/expect that the college app. process would work pretty much the same way. Not to mean that they aren't aware of the stats and the probabilities-- they are just familiar with the ability to succeed in the pursuit of their goals. So, this college acceptance/rejection stuff is a real eye-opener. A very humbling experience. Your d. needs time to deal with the rejection/failure issue in her head. She will probably need to ruminate a bit about the "what-if's" and the "shat could I have done differently" before she will ultimately begin to accept that this was one thing that was not in her control. It would help to validate her need to do that-- legitimize it, don't pathologize it. By that I mean support her need to grieve for a little while. She shouldn't feel badly about feeling badly.</p>

<p>OK, that said, there is the separate issue of getting excited about school. I don't think this has anything to do with Rice. My guess is she would be feeling equally unenthused about any of her 3 choices right now. My s. is finishing his freshman year at Rice, and I have never seen him happier. He went through a similar disappointment when he went through room draw a few weeks ago and wasn't able to get on-campus housing for next year. That was something he had really, from the day he was accepted to Rice, hoped wouldnt happen. But, he and 2 of his friends found a duplex they love, and yesterday I got about 20 pictures of them inside it. They are all charged up and thinking about the benefits of off-campus housing. They still get the advantages of the Res. College system (which, as at Yale, is WONDERFUL), but they also get the life experience of living in a house of their own. </p>

<p>I agree with the Rice mom's above. We have all become real Rice cheerleaders. But it comes from seeing our kids so happy. When your d. gets her college assignment, her roommate info, and all the O week prep stuff, whe will get as charged up as my s. has about his duplex. Teens are remarkably resilient. She will do fine. It is a wonderful, fun place. Congratulate her for me.</p>

<p>edit-
Addendum-
Go find the thread about the feelings of the kids who were rejected from their dream shcools last year and how happy they are now-- You will feel relieved. Also find the post from the guy who chose Vandy over a few other, more "prestigious" schools last year, and how deleriously happy he is. It will also make you feel much better.</p>

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<p>Wow, tough crowd on CC these days.</p>

<p>Must be easy when you're still cheering your kids early acceptance to Harvard et al to tell a mother that her kid is sulky and needs to get a grip oh and by the way, why did you let her apply to schools she didn't love anyway....</p>

<p>To the OP-- lots of us have been in your shoes. Give her space, she will come around, she will go off as excited and terrified as everyone else's kid heading off to a new adventure. Not every kid behaves the way the model teenagers on CC behave. Some of us live in the real world.</p>

<p>And yes, I know that Andi's kid is in worse shape. I know there are Tsunami victims suffering, and kids in homeless shelters. Sorta not the point, since I'm sure the OP knows that as well.</p>

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<p>Annaliesesmum,
Check your PM's or private messages in the top right corner of the screen.( Since your new to CC, at least as a poster, I thought you might not know about that feature)</p>

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<p>To follow up on what blossom said, and for the OP--your daughter will probably soon reach a point where she simply decides to be happy and excited about the choice she has made. Having the choice of Wellesley, Rice, and Chicago was wonderful in the larger scheme of college acceptances, but sometimes even the nicest, perkiest kid can be discouraged by rejection from what had been her top choices--and if some of her friends did get in to their top choice schools it can be hard to deal, even for a very nice person, which I'm sure your D is. </p>

<p>We experienced a similar situation last year with a different set of schools, and while there can be a lingering sense of longing, I think getting caught up in accepted-student visits, purchasing school-logo items, choosing classes for fall semester, and roommate selection make it fun and exciting after a certain point. And you may also find personal connections--such as friends of friends who are at Rice or are going there next year--to ease the way into feeling like part of a wonderful community. That happened to my D and made a huge difference to how she felt about it before she got there; after a series of e-mails and phone calls, when she visited for accepted students weekend she felt as though she had a little welcoming committee all her own. It is now past the time for accepted students weekends of course, but the various communications from Rice will be coming all spring and summer, and I'm sure between those and the various orientation activities, that your D will soon find herself happily caught up in a great new world.</p>

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<p>I've read the posts again, and there is decent merit in all positions. </p>

<p>You have essentially four courses of action. 1. Do nothing special about it. 2. Patton's "slap the soldier" to snap out of it and get a grip. 3. Agree with the student about how disappointed she truly deserves to be [this might actually work as a reverse psychology ploy, although you're on your own if you choose it]. 4. Take a generally positive attitude about how terrific a school Rice is, and how many opportunities there will be there, and how lucky you are to have had the choices that you had. </p>

<p>One thing that helps is if you live in an area where others are informed enought to know what a great school it is.....kids like it when they get positive reactions to their choice from others. In that context, to boost you along a bit, in the WSJ ranking article last year that ranked the TOP 50 FEEDER SCHOOLS to a group of elite law, medical and business schools, (adjusted to reflect the sizes of the student populations) Wellesley, Chicago and Rice all ranked in the top 20, ahead of Northwestern, Middlebury, Hopkins, Cornell, Michigan, UVa, Notre Dame, Brandeis, Tufts, and CalTech, among others.</p>

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<p>interesteddad - You seemed so focused on the schools this girl selected. What if she had only applied to third or fourth tier schools? Your issue seems to be on the schools she selected. The OP can't redo things at this point and the issue is not on what people should do next year. There are other posts already dealing with that issue. </p>

<p>To a teenager this is a BIG deal. It may seem trite but to her it may be the equivalent of finding out your spouse is cheating on you, etc. Let me tell you I have adult friends who mourn for years. No one said the girl was never going to get over it. I know my son has been incredibly busy the last month (AP classes, tests, etc.) & most of his friend are extremely stresses out - not to mention dealing with senioritis. Think about it, not only are these teens leaving school, their friends, family etc., but they have to start a brand new chapter of their lives which I am sure is somewhat scary too. </p>

<p>I think the thing here is that the mother teaches her daughter how to deal with disappointments in a healthy way. Grieving is a part of that process.</p>

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<p>Wow, interesting thread. I guess if it were me, I'd pamper my child a little - the world is hard enough without having your mom on your side. Maybe a trip to somewhere fun when school is over? Some new earrings? A DVD and TV for her room?
And as for how long the OP's daughter should remain sad - as long as she wants to! How can you tell anyone else how to feel or how long to feel it?</p>

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<p>Reward her for being unhappy about going to Rice? What does that teach; that if I sulk about things, I get stuff?</p>

<p>(Excuse me while I bang my head against a wall)</p>

<p>Okay, I feel better now. Here's what I think--yes, people can choose to feel however they want. But feelings ARE choices; we are not all helpless in the face of our strong emotions. Isn't part of being a parent helping kids to learn how to examine their reactions and learn to temper them with some good sense and a little dose of reality (I love the suggestion to go do some volunteering).</p>

<p>It seems to be a truly American custom to think that we can have whatever we want, and that life is truly hurtful when we don't get it. I too, thought of Andi and son when I read this.</p>

<p>Five years ago, my D didn't get into her first choice school, but chose the safetiest of the ones left--she sincerely liked it. Well, to be brief, she had a horrible first year, decided to transfer, and was accepted to all three schools she applied to, and chose Wesleyan.</p>

<p>On the way their, while stuck in traffic in 100 degree heat on thhe Tappan Zee Bridge, she started whining to the rest of th family (cramped into the van with all her stuff) about how she wasn't looking forward to it at all. Quote "you can change dentists, but you're still going to the dentist." Well, we'd given up major merit money and gone through a lot of angst for this new "dentist" and she was lucky we didn't turn around right then and there. Well, the best we could do to "honor her feelings" was to stifle our own! But I sure didn't support them. A week later, of course, she was happier than she had ever been.</p>

<p>Moodiness and disappointment are epidemic among teens, but we don't honor their growth by treating them like kids, but rather by teaching them how to be adults.</p>

<p>(This is aimed at some of the general comments on this thread, not the OP's kid, btw)</p>

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<p>Yeah, I'm a high school senior and I feel the same way she does. My rejections have made me double my effort. I didn't get into UPenn -Wharton and am heading for UC Berkeley. It's so disheartening when you get all excited when that letter comes or online decision is posted, then u log on and its like.... I'm not good enough. One B+ brought me down to rank 18 and bam.. It made me realize that, even though I may be top of the line at my school, I have the whole world against me and I have to think outside of the box. So now, I'm really pushing it for graduate school. AP test galore. If I pass them all I can get junior standing as a freshman, but then again, I havent watched a movie or hung out with any of my friends outside of school in 2 months... Life is hard. :(</p>

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<p>"3. Agree with the student about how disappointed she truly deserves to be [this might actually work as a reverse psychology ploy, although you're on your own if you choose it]."</p>

<p>This might have been considered "reverse psychology" in about 1960. Have you read any parenting books lately?(other than James Dobson)Have you read any books about human relationships? I haven't read much that says it causes damage to acknowledge a person's disappointment and I also haven't seen any arbitrary deadlines on how long a person should take to get over that disappointment.</p>

<p>Who are we to judge whether a parent's worrying is pointless?</p>

<p>Acknowledging and validating a person's feelings without judgement is one of the most powerful tools in helping them move on. Denial, shame and judgement create guilt and regret and often keep people stuck. </p>

<p>I agree that there are many valid points but I don't understand the half that are focused on telling this poster what she has and is doing wrong.
Do you really think that empathizing with this poster will prolong her daughter's disappointment and ambivalence?</p>

<p>It took me a long time to get over my son's rejection. Longer than it took him. We did exactly what ID said not to do, but we were naive. We made the "new CC cardinal sin " of falling in love with a super reach. We learned the hard way, as many parents do. </p>

<p>And by the way, I'm a damn good parent. It's what I do best. I've had a number of teachers ask me what I did right when it comes to parenting. (for all you posters that don't like bragging, cover your eyes) My kids aren't perfect but they know how to handle disappointment and it sure didn't happen because I told them to "Buck UP" , move on or quit moping. That method might be appropriate for more trivial life matters - this ain't one of them folks.</p>

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<p>I agree it's important to emphathize with a disappointed teenager, but this is an opportunity to teach a kid a little bit about rolling with the punches. Being resilient and quickly recovering from defeat will take someone a LOT further in life than any Ivy League degree. </p>

<p>That said, I think this is a tough time for kids and that some may be focusing their anxieties about this life transition on easily identifiable things, like being rejected by a choice school.</p>

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<p>garland, luckily lizchip posted after me and said it better than I, that validating feelings makes one move on, not denying them... I figured a little brighter mood would just swing over to everything in life.
Anyway, I don't think you can teach a child to be an adult; I think they just become whatever sort of adult their genetics and life experiences make them and you just should basically love them unconditionally. [because life is hard enough.]</p>

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<p>Liz, I'm so glad you posted that. I actually thought of you and your son at Wash U when I read the OP's story even before the "stiff upper lip crowd" weighed in.</p>

<p>How is your son? Good year? I'm not sure I envy the parents whose kids never react in a way they deem inappropriate; I've grown as a person as I've learned to recognize that my kids are not an extension of me and they get to react to things differently than I would... or than I would hope they would.</p>

<p>I'm the first to admit that my kids did not love their safeties, despite all the visiting and all the research and all the driving and all the concern about building the list from the bottom up. I learned that sometimes the visits and the meetings with professors and all that conventional wisdom is actually a bad thing.... like the OP said, sometimes a kid "sees themselves" at that school and then it's tough to move on...</p>

<p>But I don't view my role as parent to almost adult children to be the gatekeeper of their emotions. Stuff happens, and I don't think being supportive and acknowledging disappointment means that you're enabling a spoiled brat.</p>

<p>I grew up in a "tough it out" household. Best part of being a grown-up is being able to un-do the #$% and unload the baggage you bring with you from childhood.</p>

<p>Liz-- if you were my neighbor we would be friends! I think you are a wonderful parent.</p>

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<p>Can you visit Rice for a few days? It seems as if she would shift her attitude as soon as she has a means of seeing into the life she'll have there.</p>

<p>Quite honestly, I would be completely out of patience for it long before five weeks, given the acceptances she received. Chicago is one of the two that placed my son on a wait list that he would love to have attended, but he's thrilled to be going where he's going. </p>

<p>I intend to congratulate him once again, when he walks in from his AP Lit test, on his capacity for happiness and contentment with what he has. I guess that can be of more value than a handful of Ivy acceptance letters.</p>

<p>I think the volunteering-at-ahomeless-shelter idea's a fine one, too.</p>

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<p>Wow! we ALL filter this through our own experience! I guess people do that about everything, but this is more than usual.</p>

<p>To the OP - if my daughter was still mopey and so no signs of "getting over it" after 6 weeks, I'd be concerned, too. Especially if this not her usual pattern. This may be the first big disappointment, but it is also a general stressful time - could other issues be feeding into this? Is there a BF, is she realizing that most of her friends are leaving? Too many APs? How far from home is she moving?</p>

<p>More importantly - is she sleeping, eating normally, participating in typical activities, not withdrawn, just mopey?</p>

<p>If the answer to those questions is yes, I agree with most of the other posters that nothing is to be DONE, other than you not dwell on it. Time to be emphasizing other things - the volunteer work sounds great, or how about this - Gee, I'd like us to take one last trip together, but money is tight - what if you cast about for some work (even babysitting) and we split the cost of X?
I disagree with Garland a little, in that a treat may help (both of you), but it should be separated from her feelings about the school - so as to not appear to be a reward for sulking. How about a spa day to prepare for graduation?</p>

<p>Get those Rice brochures, housing, etc, into her room with little comment. Don't push sheets, etc until a little later, that's more of dwelling on it at this point - enjoy her, she will soon be gone.
Finally, don't let her sit around this summer - I hear what you are saying about her conscientiousness saving money, but she needs an outlet - at our church they are always looking for substitute Meals on Wheels drivers, especially last minute subs. Call your city's volunteer clearinghouse.</p>

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<p>New to the forum, here.</p>

<p>"I think the thing here is that the mother teaches her daughter how to deal with disappointments in a healthy way. Grieving is a part of that process."</p>

<p>I tell my D the old saying "Where ever you go, you take YOU, with you. My D (a junior) begins her process and I remind her that she is intelligent, cute, fun-loving and will continue to be those things whereever she goes.</p>

<p>Many of her friends attend a wide range of universities. D believes they are so much like her and yet every one is excited and extremely happy at school, be it reaches or safeties.</p>

<p>Your D should focus on her position in life. Many, many students, 60%+ will not get the priviledge of attending univeristy. . .</p>

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<p>liz - great post. You (and Blossom) can come live in my neighborhood. And guess what, all my kids teachers ask me what I did to have such great kids too (again they are not perfect - oh my!). My father & mother NEVER let us express our emotions. My father's fav. expression was guess what? - Buck Up. I swore I would never say this to my kids. I listen to what they have to say, and usually once we have talked about it they get over it pretty fast. Guess what people - it is okay to have feelings and emotions after all we are only human. Stifle your feeling and you will be an extremely unhappy person (or completely fake like some people I know).</p>

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<p>Cangel, you're right, I re-read and realize I was definitely filtering that through our own customs. We just DON'T give our kids big-ticket things like trips or DVD/TVs except for very large occasions (like graduation). Pretty much all our disposable bucks goes to their college educations. If we were to buy one of them something that big because of a disappointment, they'd look at us as if we'd gone loco.</p>

<p>But I could see maybe lunch out with Mom or Dad just to chat about stuff. Or your spa day, attached to graduation. I guess it was the extent of the suggestions that really threw me off. And there'd be plenty of gentle admonitions that it might be time to move on, too. But that's just me; I think that responsible adult behavior certainly can be taught.</p>

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<p>Mominsearch-- I'll make the coffee and the muffins, you and Liz can come by anytime.</p>

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<p>Thanks Blossom!</p>