<p>collegeshopping,
For the obvious reasons stated in your post, we have never discussed or pointed to money situation/relationship while paying for whatever we feel our kids needed. We still never discuss financial situation with them and very rarely between us. So far both kids just said “Thank you” many many times over, comparing how they are ahead of many of their friends because of us. Planning to pay for our D’s Med. School now, although she has insisted that there is no way we could. We will see how it goes. I do not believe in loans, I do not want anybody having loans, more so govenment subsidized.</p>
<p>If my strong willed kid starting treating me with intense amounts of disrespect and refused to follow simple house rules I would lead her to the door with her packed bags. See ya.</p>
<p>There are times you have to stand up and say enough is enough. The moms perception (which is her reality) is that she is being treated like a dog in her own home and that it is unbearable. Let the daughter go find somewhere else to live. Now. </p>
<p>Maybe with that reality the daughter will find that following the simple rules and respecting her parents isn’t so hard. She can spend the summer figuring out how to become independent and have a place of her own next summer. For now she needs to step up, behave and say thank you to her parents.</p>
<p>^ I have my kids for myself, for my own enjoyment and entertaining. I would not “lead her to the door with her packed bags. See ya.”. It would defeat my personal purpose of having kids. No frictions, please. Just have fun.</p>
<p>Well, I dont have hired help to clean, cook and do all that it takes to run a household.I do not have enough money to hand it out by the boatloads so everyone can have what they want when they want it. Even if I did I wouldn’t. It would not be teaching them anything. I am not willing to do all this by myself and sacrifice all my free time for my kids just so there is no friction. Heaven forbid they be asked to take part in the responsibilities of living in a community of people. Good Grief.</p>
<p>Miami, I too value and love spending time with my kids…but, I will not be a doormat. That would be like saying I value being married, so my husband can treat me like dirt and I just won’t make waves about that, because life is too short to spend time having conflicts.</p>
<p>Personally, I think life is too short to treat people you love like crap! And if one’s kids are behaving in a fashion that is emotionally abusive, it does them no favors to avoid conflict.</p>
<p>How would your personal outlook on life work if you were treated miserably–how can you ‘just have fun’ if someone you love is living in your house and treating you with contempt?</p>
<p>I think accepting/accommodating/avoiding that kind of treatment just teaches your kids to avoid conflict at all costs, which can be very unhealthy.</p>
<p>Of course if it’s just occassional moodiness/growing pains, then yeah, let some things roll off your back. Pick your battles, obviously! But if it is a serious ongoing problem, ignoring it will just give you an ulcer or depression!</p>
<p>Well, I do not do anything myself either, how I can ask kid to do it. I do only things that I am pleased to do. It is not worhtwhile doing anything else. I work full time, so I pay somebody and feel good about giving somebody else a job, they are really thankful. In fact, when I send my cleanning lady away because I was laid off, I apologize and told her that I will let her know when I can afford her. I hated living in dirty house, but I had to because I hate cleanning more. My D. is never at home, I cannot ask her anyway. Few minutes that she is in, I just love to have time with her. Her work is to get good grades and get Merit awards. She saved us tons by doing just that, she paid basically for her UG by having full tuition Merit award. I told her that she better be in position to be able to hire help. I hope that she will some day. We do not cook, I do not call cooking sticking something in oven for 20 min. ocasionally when in a mood. But that is all we do. Everything else you can buy washed and even cut. Do not need to cook fruits and nuts. You can take it easy, it is your choice or you can cook all day long, and some people enjoy it very much, so why not? I like hanging and folding clothes after laundry, but that is the only thing. i do not like battles, nothing worth battles. But again. some people enjoy all that drama, if so, than again, why not?</p>
<p>I think that the people who are having trouble understanding the OP’s position have never really seen/experienced such behavior on a frequent and on-going basis. It can really take a toll on a person mentally and physically. And, to continue providing luxuries (not talking about the basics/tuition) is just enabling the situation.</p>
<p>Some here have trouble understanding the money part. It’s not about wielding some kind of “money hammer” or teaching kids to only be nice to people for money. Things given in excess of basics (shelter, food), are all luxury gifts. Although tuition is a gift I will include that as a basic for this discussion. Since when do we give luxury gifts to those who treat us badly? Who the heck does that? </p>
<p>Look at it this way…We are considered a wealthy country. We give foreign aid to various countries. Wouldn’t we think it’s crazy to give these gifts of aid if a country very frequently treated our country very uncivilly or in a manner not conducive to being allies? If we stopped giving aid to a country that frequently treated us uncivilly, it would make sense. And, this abuse wouldn’t even be happening on our on turf…imagine how much more angry we’d be if it were? Every politician and constituent would be calling for a stoppage in aid. And…if we did stop such aid, that country would most likely do a “gut check” and start being more civil to the US.</p>
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<p>Well said.</p>
<p>It appears that the OP has left the building. Still wish I knew what the “simple” rules were. I’d feel a whole lot more comfortable choosing my “team”. As it is, I’ll just stay here in the stands and watch the game. ;)</p>
<p>collegeshopping, just want to say that I continue to find tremendous wisdom and insight in your posts here, and my hat’s off to you for the way you’re handling your situation. You are so completely on the right track, in my view. Best wishes to you and your family.</p>
<p>Yes, I am making my comments based on my own rules & how I’d feel if D disregarded them and also treated me in a contemptuous manner.</p>
<p>My simple rules for young adult are, do your own laundry, pitch in now & then with some (very basic) cleaning chores–ie, empty the dishwasher, clean up your own kitchen mess, don’t leave your stuff all over the house, keep the mess in your room. I expect her as part of the family, to be willing to help out (ie, can you pick up your sister after you get off work?) when it doesn’t conflict with your plans (ie, oh, you’re meeting your boyfriend Tuesday night for dinner, then I’ll work something else out). </p>
<p>The other rule is, if you are going to be out late and/or spending the night elsewhere, please send me a text so I don’t worry about you.</p>
<p>We are pretty free and easy here in the summer, and my D appreciates the use of a car, dinners w/ family, etc. She appreciates it all the more b/c many friends are lower-income and pay for EVERYTHING themselves because their families are unable to help. We don’t use the ‘money hammer’ but then again, we have a loving relationship. </p>
<p>However, no matter what the rules are --I would expect at least civil treatment!</p>
<p>mom2collegekids,
No matter they respect us or not, our wealthy country (which you mean that we have collected lots of money from American people as taxes) should NOT be helping any other country, including all this UN business, which is just abusing our help. (I am not saying that individuals should not be doing it). This is our govenrment desire to “buy” into some benefits, which we will never rip. The same goes for relationship in a family. Money discussions are ruinning everything, I never discuss it because I do not like drama. If you are seeking to have drama in your life, discuss money, it works every time, will not fail, I guarantee you that. The fact is, it is our choice if we pay for kids or not, they have not demanded it. Or maybe I misunderstood. Even if it was demanded, parents could always say NO, no stress over, no drama, so at the end it is our own choice. For that matter, kid’s existance is our choice. I am not advocating one way or another. I just do not see how some “house rules” could be on a way of peace in a family.</p>
<p>Treat others the way you would like to be treated.
That’s the basic life rule for our family! But I would argue that having house rules absolutely can bring peace and harmony to a family–everyone knows what is expected/accepted. It avoids a lot of misunderstandings!</p>
<p>It sounds like you have things worked out to a happy place for yourself, MiamiDAP. I’d say if everyone in your household is happy, then you’ve all worked out unspoken rules. Those are the best kind! </p>
<p>But if you have a son/daughter who isn’t automatically, naturally considerate (and many young adult children forget that parents have to sleep, eat etc)–then yes, a house rule of “no loud music at midnight” and “no inviting your friends over and eating every bit of food in the house w/out leaving the rest of us enough to scrape together dinner” etc becomes essential to maintain that family happiness!</p>
<p>Aww curmudgeon come on and scrabble with the rest of us! That’s what makes cc fun, speculating on others situations when they haven’t provided enough information.</p>
<p>I don’t see how this could become a problem.</p>
<p>You say you pay for everything. If she’s not respecting you, stop.</p>
<p>Show her what its like to be an adult.</p>
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<p>Love that, and it’s really kind of true…though in many cases, what we can infer is probably pretty close to accurate.</p>
<p>Every family has their own dynamics and rules that are goverened by the the head of the family. We all knew what was expected of us growing up in our particular households. Other than flat out abuse we have no right to tell others that they are too strict or too lenient.</p>
<p>Therefore when the OP says she has had it, that the disrespectful behavior has become unbearable we have to believe her. It is her family, her household, her reality. We do not need any more details so we can pull it apart and judge the OP’s demands of her daughter.</p>
<p>The daughter has been brought up in this family. She knows the rules and has decided she is not interested in following them and is striking out against them. She therefore needs to find an exit strategy. </p>
<p>She needs money and a plan. Until she gets those things in place she has to live within her family. Therefor she needs to follow the rules of the family. </p>
<p>I think it is cut and dried. </p>
<p>Curm, you spend much too much time in the med school forum. Come on back and play…</p>
<p>Coming from a teenager, I think the best idea would to get a third party involved, such as a counselor. Sure, cutting off her money might work, but it’s not going to change her attitude, just how she acts to your face. As much as you might think or even know that her behavior is unprovoked, she might have one little thing that she uses to justify her actions. But if a counselor or pastor or some other unbiased party listens to both your sides then tells her shes a brat? That just might be a huge wake-up call.</p>
<p>I had a similar situation last summer with my son. My husband and I had a calm discussion with him explaining how his behavior was hurting us. We told him that if he couldn’t treat us with respect we would take away the keys to “our” car until his behavior improved. He was shocked that the car was not his. We pointed out that we never gave him the car but we were generous enough to allow him to borrow it free of charge. Luckily it worked quickly. Good luck!</p>
<p>It is amazing to me that some teens, and some young adults just don’t grasp that how we treat someone can affect how they treat us. Perhaps it is because they don’t quite grasp the independence and expectations that go with maturing and adulthood.
As I touched on pages ago, a child of 10 might whine, cry, act out, or have any number of bad behaviors. In most cases, it is normal childhood, and parents just have to deal with it, and continue providing for the child. That “parents have to take it” response from the parents is all the child has ever known.
Once that child reaches maturity though, the parent no longer has to take it and continue providing. The same law or rule that dictates at 18 a young person is old enough and independent enough to enter contracts, and be legally responsible for himself, also means the young person is old enough and independent enough that parents no longer have to provide for him. Sometimes young people only see the first half.</p>
<p>When we’re referring to adults, if it isn’t enjoyable to be around a person in one’s home, one can choose not to be around that person in one’s home.
As a hypothetical, if my buddy hits me every time we go out to lunch, then I soon stop going out to lunch with him. That isn’t my trying to control him; but it is my taking control of myself.</p>