<p>sunset12,
As far as my understanding goes, next time the young man will do blackmailing to somebody else. Is it worth it? You are the only one to decide. Never done anything like this and it is way to late now. Actually, we made sure that right after D. was not minor any more (after 18), we have re-assigned car that we bought for her to her name. I do not want to be connected anyhow to her car after having negative experience with our older son who was driving our car and got into major accident. Both of my kids are very good and careful drivers (as far as I know, they are better than me), but sometime things can happen on the road that are out of anybodyâs control. If it is not my car, I will not be involved from anybodyâs prospective. If it is my car, then I have given a key to the driver, so I am involved.</p>
<p>It isnât blackmail.</p>
<p>FranklyâŠI wonder why the parents who object to the withdrawing of luxury support donât just add their kids to their checking accts and let them have the same access the parents do.</p>
<p>hmmmmâŠ</p>
<p>OP: if you figure out how to quickly, safely, and in a healthy way correct a teen/college age girls attitude you can make billions!</p>
<p>the good news is that she is rude to you! Most people didnât take human development in college, I did. Itâs completely normal for a teenager to rebel, be rude, and generally treat their parents badly. Itâs how they mentally separate from being part of their parents. Itâs actually a very important process because they are becoming their own person. </p>
<p>Although it sucks to be the parent if your kid has a bad case of it. By 22 sheâll be back and more similar to the angel you knew at 12.</p>
<p>If I had a kid who didnât rebel and be rude at times, then Iâd be worried.</p>
<p>I guess D1(22) is a slow in her development, and I am not seeing it in D2(17) either. We are in our 6th day of 2 weeks vacation, spending every minute together. The biggest issue weâve had so far was tonight when D1 didnât want D2 to wear a blue dress because she was wearing one, and itâs her birthday, and D2 wasnât willing to change her whole ensemble. No, I do not believe it is necessary for our kids to be rude to us or to anyone. I am not worried that our girls havenât rebelled.</p>
<p>hereâs a good article on why itâs healthy for teenagers to rebel, often rudeâŠâThey defy adult restrictions deliberately as a way of asserting their independence.â</p>
<p>[BBC</a> Science | Human Body & Mind - Teenagers emotions](<a href=âhttp://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/mind/articles/emotions/teenagers/rebellion.shtml]BBCâ>BBC Science | Human Body & Mind - Teenagers emotions)</p>
<p>also, keep in mind boys and girls can rebel without you knowing. Rebel doesnât always mean in your face.</p>
<p>kids who actually never rebel often have difficulty making their own decisions or even physically separating from their parents, they tend to stay close out of an emotional insecurity.</p>
<p>Iâm equating a rude comment as a form of rebellion. </p>
<p>whether itâs underage sex or talking rudely or getting drunk or ⊠your teen will do something to rebel whether you know it or not. A very small group of teens will not rebel in someway and thatâs not healthy human development</p>
<p>^I donât agree. In non-western societies rebellion is not an accepted part of being a teenager. I think itâs a societal problem more than anything else. I have to say I didnât rebel as a teenager and as far as I know neither have either of my kids, and I think we all have turned out pretty well. I think if you allow your teenager more independence, real work opportunities, make them feel valued, and treat them with respect they donât feel the need to rebel.</p>
<p>ânon-western societiesâ are you referring to asia? or to arabs? you want see bad behavior go hang out with some teenage Iraqi boys. And have you been to Shanghai? Go if you want to see radical teenagers that make our kids look mellow.</p>
<p>If you have never talked back to your parent, got frustrated and said something rude or acted out in some other way than you missed a very important human development phase, human development and the brain is science itâs not an opinion. look it up!</p>
<p>I agree with pacheightâsome rebellion and acting out is totally normal in our society. Some people just take longer to get there.</p>
<p>Iâm thinking more of indigenous cultures - like where I grew up in East Africa. I think its a western civilization problem, not natural to humanity. Of course Iâve talked back to my parents, and so have my kids, but I do the same with my husband.</p>
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<p>It may not be as socially tolerated, but the same impetus does happen in many non-Western societies. Many of the rebellions and revolutions taking place in China and Japan over at least the last 200+ years were mostly supported and sometimes even led by young people who ranged in ages from teens to late 20s. </p>
<p>One main difference was because the then prevailing non-western regimes were far more intolerant of any dissentâŠespecially from the youngâŠwhen the discontent and anger boil overâŠit results in forms of rebellions of a far greater magnitude than some yelling or rude behavior common among most US adolescent/young adults. One thing US society does better in this regard is to provide more outlets and understanding for such rebelliousness so it is channeled into more constructive/creative ends and doesnât boil over into rebellions and revolutions which cause widespread mayhem, destruction, and death.</p>
<p>Iâm still wondering to hear if those who think itâs mean, controlling, blackmail, etc to deny extra money for luxuries have added their kids to their checking/savings accounts so that their kids have free access to their money and donât have to wait for their parents to decide (control) when and if money is spent on themâŠhmmmmâŠ</p>
<p>Itâs been our experience that our kids turn into beasts when they are upset with themselves. It can be a disappointing set of grades or put a dent in the car or lost a cell phone. When they mess up their first response is to be really unpleasant to us, provoke a fight, then out comes whatâs happened and we talk it thru and life goes back to normal.</p>
<p>Iâm not sharing this to downplay the OPâs issue. We have tried to address why our kids respond to personal disappointments by being rude to us. Itâs not a good thing and it is improving.</p>
<p>My kids have not rebelled, and they are very normal. We like each other and we spend a lot of time together. The older one has a job, is going to London for training, found an apartment in a major city, didnât even ask us to co-sign, and she is moving to her new place by herself. </p>
<p>We donât have perfect kids, we take their good with their bad, but overall we like them as people and we enjoy each otherâs company.</p>
<p>My kids havenât rebelled either, but then neither H nor I were rebellious kids in our day. Maybe it is in our genes.</p>
<p>But we never took âguffâ from our kids from an early age. I think that training from an early age (or frankly, at any age) is important. Itâs just easier to do when they are young. </p>
<p>I treat my kids with respect and I expect the same back. Good luck, OP!</p>
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<p>Iâm not exactly sure at whom this is directed, since I havenât noticed anyone actually expressing this opinion. But maybe I missed a post.</p>
<p>Since I am one of the people who think that immediately playing the money card sends the wrong message, I will respond, though.</p>
<p>I think that parents and children ought to treat each other well because it is the right thing to do, period. I think that when kids are abusive towards their parents, the overwhelming message ought to be âyou should never treat ANYONE this way, let alone members of your family.â The message should not be âyou cannot get away with treating me this way because I control your finances.â</p>
<p>At the same time, I am much less inclined to give kids certain things that many parents think of as essentials and I view as luxuries. My S never had a cell phone or an allowance or a car in HS. (To be clear, he did receive an allowance when younger when we could afford it, and we followed the 1/3 spending money, 1/3 savings, 1/3 for charity model.) When he went to college, we were unable to give him an allowance. (We could give him one now, but we havenât. Any money he has is either money put away for his education years ago or money he earns. Frankly, he needs this impetus to have a job, which I think is good for him.) We certainly would not have given him a car. I donât think that a college student living away at school âneedsâ a car, except in very unusual circumstances. I donât think that a HS or college student âneedsâ a car of their own to get to work unless that work is sufficient to enable them to pay most of the expenses of running the car: insurance, gas, and maintenance. I think that if a kid uses a family car, they ought to put gas in it, just like anyone else.</p>
<p>So basically, I would not have been giving money for all of these âluxuriesâ in the first place. Call me the big meanie! 
So if you think that I am advocating for over-indulging insolent brats, you are very, very far off the mark. I think that parents who over-indulge their kids from an early age, either emotionally or financially, have set the scene for ugliness down the road. </p>
<p>Since my S has been pretty much fully self-supporting since he went away to college, we have had to develop a relationship that does not assume dependency years before most other parents may have done so. And in the long run, if the bonds of affection and respect do not hold you and your children together, nothing will.</p>
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<p>Exactly. In the OPâs situation, my suggestion would be to sit the kid down in a formal meeting and tell the kid that you will not tolerate such behavior and explain that every human being deserves to be treated with respect and kindness. From that point forward, when the kid says something hurtful, tell them that you are hurt. Every time. If that doesnât have any effect after a few days, you might sit them down in another meeting and point out that you have the power to withdraw funding for everything, since they are over 18, but are not exercising itâfor now. Reiterate the first message and continue to refuse to silently accept abuse. If that doesnât have any effect, sit them down in another meeting and tell them that since appeals to their better nature and innate sense of decency have had no effect, you are regretfully cutting off funding for everything but basic college expenses: tuition and fees, room and board in a dorm, travel to and from school, and books. The rest of their expensesâclothes, entertainmentâare their own to cover. If the kid has a car the OP owns, I would take it away and sell it. If the kid has title to a car and the OP has been paying for insurance or other costs, that stops immediately. Insurance will be theirs to obtain and pay for after the current paid period runs out. End of story.</p>
<p>And this would be for good, not until the kid is less horrible for a few weeks. Then you can try to rebuild your relationship on the basis of something other than money.</p>
<p>A âcloseâ family is not always a family where no one argues or gets angry or is unpleasant. In fact, the most serene families Iâve encountered have usually been the ones where a lot was going on under the surface that was not so wonderful.</p>
<p>We all only have our own experience to go by on this sort of issue. For us, unpleasant behavior toward us was usually provoked by frustration with themselves. They are pretty driven kids, as most on CC have. When our first one went off to college and got his first A- he came home in quite a stew. We couldnât figure it out . . . and then we called him on it and worked it through. He will signal to us that he is troubled about something by being in a dark mood and just not very affectionate. Now is this rebellion? Not in my book. Itâs about him lacking the maturity to process a disappointment. It has diminished until we rarely see it anymore. My daughter is more placid but she will spark, as well, when sheâs very tired and very frustrated with something â usually writing a paper or juggling too many activities.</p>
<p>My kids were not born fully formed into mature adults who could navigate stresses with a pleasant demeanor! Thatâs sort of why I think they need parents, to coach them along the way to getting there.</p>
<p>[Independence</a> and Rebellion](<a href=âhttp://www.massgeneral.org/children/adolescenthealth/articles/aa_independence_and_rebellion.aspx]Independenceâ>http://www.massgeneral.org/children/adolescenthealth/articles/aa_independence_and_rebellion.aspx)</p>
<p>"One of the major developmental tasks of adolescence is for the teen to develop independence from his or her parents. Transitioning from a dependent child-parent relationship to an independent and adult-parent relationship not only takes time but also may be characterized by rebellion, defiance, turmoil, restlessness and ambivalence. For both parent and teen, emotions may be high; in addition, the adolescent will exhibit mood swings and this passage from dependence to independence may take up to six yearS. ⊠Expect every adolescent to have periods of rebellion. There are some guidelines that parents can use to help deal with teen rebellion as well as help the teen develop independence:</p>
<p>âParents should allow their teen some degree of rebellion⊠Although it may be difficult, parents should strive to develop an adult relationship with their teens over time. ⊠When oneâs teen is in a bad mood, parents should try to give him or her space and privacy. ⊠A teen talking back to his or her parents is normal adolescent behavior. ⊠However, screaming, rude conversation and disrespectful remarks from teens should not be tolerated.â</p>
<p>I think, consolation, that many here have said the âmoney cardâ option exists and that it might be played. Though some have discussed using it, I donât remember anyone saying it is the only option, or specifically that it should be the very first option. I have read a few that indicated it should never be played under any circumstance.</p>
<p>Using the money card on a child who happens to be a University student is usually a really horrible idea. Because once you go down that road, you will never be able to stop. You will bring it out when you want to have your way, and your kid will resent you for it. And when that happens, your relationship with your kid will forever be altered.</p>