<p>sewhappy, I think you make an excellent point in post #117. Guiding children towards more mature behavior is part of the parent’s job. The kid isn’t going to magically be fully adult just because s/he turns 18. (For that matter, most of us adults sometimes have difficulty dealing with stresses in our lives, and sometimes we react by exhibiting behaviors that make life unpleasant for our partners.) I’m assuming that what we are talking about with the OP is a kid who is really out of control and over the line all of the time.</p>
<p>After reading the thread, the entire situation seems to have been over-blown. Are her grades bad? Is she doing drugs? Is she hanging out with bad seeds? etc… Those are reasons to wave the money card. But disrespectful behavior? That doesn’t even register on the radar.</p>
<p>maybe jsanche is right. If this young adult is rude when the student comes to stay in the house free, to the point that the Op is so annoyed, maybe the solution is as jsanche has shown: continue paying for stuff, but tell the young person to either behave nicely when a guest in the house, or find someplace else to stay. I don’t have to tolerate rude adults in my house, neither should Op. Is that what you meant, jsanche?</p>
<p>The situation can easily be solved through dialogue. It is very common for students returning home to find their parents house rules very oppressive (When compared to life at college). When this happens, it is not uncommon for them to lash out. Waving the money card now will just cause even more resentment and could damage their relationship in the LT. This is a situation were both groups need to sit down, air their grievances, and then compromise. Yes, compromise. I have found that a lot of parents are very inflexible when it comes to rules in their house. They seem to think that what worked when the child was 15/16, can also work on a child that came home after being away at University. </p>
<p>I find it rather unfortunate that the OP wants to dig her heels in in this matter. But if I was in this situation (Which I have been when I was at school), I would want my parents to treat me like an adult and not put so many restrictions in my home life. </p>
<p>The only thing that will ever accomplish is that battle lines will be drawn and the situation will just get worse over time.</p>
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<p>Good point, jsanche32. Do we know what these “simple rules” of the house are? I only went through pages 1-5 to check and didn’t find anything. As experienced parents will tell you, it’s important to pick your battles when it comes to kids.</p>
<p>It still doesn’t excuse bad behavior.</p>
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It registers on mine. ;)</p>
<p>But I’m still stuck back here </p>
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<p>I asked the missing OP to help us out a loooong time ago. Nothing but crickets .</p>
<p>Agreed. She really needs to expand on that point.</p>
<p>So jsanche says: “I would want my parents to treat me like an adult and not put so many restrictions in my home life.” </p>
<p>Ahh- but there is the double-edged sword, jsanche. A college student often says “treat me like an adult” yet often accepts or even expects mommy and daddy to pay all or part of room, board, tuition, and in this Op’s case, even additional luxuries even after they have reached legal adulthood. Paying all those bills isn’t really treating a person like an adult. They paid those bills when the kid was 10. It is very inconsistent to say- “you can pay all my bills, but I want to be independent”. Inconsistent, but normal. As I said pages ago, it is a stage I went through as a young adult, and have lived through with my young adult son.
As an adult of about 50, I am expected to pay all my own bills.</p>
<p>And exactly what do you mean by parents putting restrictions in your home life? Parents sound ridiculous. Don’t stand for that! It is your house, and as a self supporting adult in your own home you make the rules! You have that right. You have that privilege. Unless of course, by “restrictions in my home life” you meant as a young adult living in their home. That would be different. They are self supporting adults too, and they have a right to make rules in their house.</p>
<p>one more thought on kids that don’t rebel, only children have a much higher risk of not separating from their parents because the parent has been involved in almost every small and big decision in their life. When you ask the kid a question the parent answers, “we … think” or “we like x school” or we …"</p>
<p>it’s difficult for that child to feel self directed and happy as an adult. </p>
<p>Separating from your parents is a fundamental step in human development. If your kid calls you to discuss what they should do on smaller issues that’s not a sign of how great a parent you are, it’s often the opposite.</p>
<p>*Quote:
I’m still wondering to hear if those who think it’s mean, controlling, blackmail, etc to deny extra money for luxuries have added their kids to their checking/savings accounts so that their kids have free access to their money and don’t have to wait for their parents to decide (control) when and if money is spent on them…hmmmm…</p>
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<p>I’m not exactly sure at whom this is directed, since I haven’t noticed anyone actually expressing this opinion. But maybe I missed a post.</p>
<p>Since I am one of the people who think that immediately playing the money card sends the wrong message, I will respond, though.</p>
<p>I think that parents and children ought to treat each other well because it is the right thing to do, period. I think that when kids are abusive towards their parents, the overwhelming message ought to be “you should never treat ANYONE this way, let alone members of your family.” The message should not be “you cannot get away with treating me this way because I control your finances.”</p>
<p>At the same time, I am much less inclined to give kids certain things that many parents think of as essentials and I view as luxuries. My S never had a cell phone or an allowance or a car in HS. *</p>
<p>Since you aren’t one to provide luxuries for your kids, this doesn’t apply to you.</p>
<p>My post was about those who think it’s terrible that others are suggesting a “pull back of luxury spending” on this FREQUENTLY rude person who treats her parents like DOGS.</p>
<p>Earlier, I posted what I think should be said to such a person…</p>
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<p>I can’t imagine anyone continuing to buy luxuries for anyone who is frequently treating them like dogs.</p>
<p>However, some seem to take issue with these points…so I wonder if they have added their kids to their checking accounts so that their children don’t have to put up with having their parents control what gets spent on them.</p>
<p>* Quote:
But disrespectful behavior? That doesn’t even register on the radar.</p>
<p>=====================</p>
<p>Curmy’s quote:
It registers on mine.<br>
But I’m still stuck back here *</p>
<p>Curmy…I’m back there with you. I wonder</p>
<p>The whole “treating them like dogs” excerpt sounds to me like a fairly obvious attempt by the OP to get the posters on her side to be perfectly honest. The fact is, we really have no idea what the OP’s house rules are, or what she considers to be “unacceptable behavior”. She hasn’t really expanded on those two points, so naturally we’re all making conclusions on what we personally consider to be unacceptable behavior.</p>
<p>“The situation can easily be solved through dialogue.” - Maybe yes, may no. The disrespectful teen does not sound like the type that would participate in meaningful dialog. But it is certainly worth a try.</p>
<p>I just read this whole thread. Thanks to everyone. All of you are helping me think about what to do about a similar problem. D is doing well in college, but has an entitlement mentality. For instance, she resents me because I have not provided her with a car while her friends have them (she says I could have bought her a cheap used car) and is rude and disrespectful, yelling at me and calling me every name in the book. As for doing any chores, if I ask it precipitates a yelling match, and I can’t stand it, so I don’t even try. </p>
<p>There have been times I’ve been tempted to cut her off except for the basics (tuition, room and board in the dorm, books) but haven’t because I don’t want her to have a relationship with me only because she considers me an ATM machine. Since many times she’s threatened to cut me off, I think that if I tried that, she would walk out of my life as soon as she is self-supporting.</p>
<p>She says she can’t stand it at home, but I’m not subsidizing her living elsewhere. She’s done a little volunteering but has made absolutely no effort to get a job, and claims that if she had one in college her grades would suffer (she is in a demanding program).</p>
<p>The rage and hurtful comments are devastating. Yes, I’d go to a counselor myself (she refuses to go to the college counseling center) but I don’t have insurance and make too much for means-based programs and not enough to pay for more than two sessions.</p>
<p>It seems like such a balancing act. I don’t want to drive her away but am tired of being treated like dirt. I hesitate to play the money card, but she wants to be an adult and independent while remaining dependent on me financially for everything. It’s time for a course correction here, since I am walking on eggshells to try to avoid the next meltdown. It does help to know that I’m not alone. For all the blather about the joys of family life, for too many of us there seems to be no greater source of stress and anguish.</p>
<p>I think in your situation you have to take a long-term view. It isn’t till after they are done university that kids really begin to appreciate what their parents did for them financially while at university. </p>
<p>Also, from what I’ve read, a lot of parents in this thread seem to be under the impression that kids can contribute with a job. I don’t find that to be a realistic scenario. If you work inside the University, you are paid about $7-8/hr. That is not a lot of money. Your hours are also limited due to your classes, and most jobs also have a lot of competition.</p>
<p>* For instance, she resents me because I have not provided her with a car while her friends have them (she says I could have bought her a cheap used car) and is rude and disrespectful, yelling at me and calling me every name in the book. As for doing any chores, if I ask it precipitates a yelling match, and I can’t stand it, so I don’t even try.*</p>
<p>Oh gosh…I am sooooo sorry.</p>
<p>It can be hard on kids (and their parents!!!) when kids have friends who have more “stuff” than they do. And, when it comes to cars and other pricey big ticket items, it’s rather obvious. </p>
<p>All you can do is say that you’re doing the best you can with your family’s financial limitations. You may not like your financial situation yourself (heck, we’d all like more money!!), but we do the best with what we’ve got!</p>
<p>She’s taking her frustrations out on you. Don’t stand there and be her punching bag.</p>
<p>The moment she raises her voice/calls a name, leave the room, the house, etc. Do not engage her…that gives her power…and validates the crap she’s saying to you.</p>
<p>Don’t worry…She’s not going to disown you. </p>
<p>I’m sensing that either her dad is not in the home, or has not been standing up for you.</p>
<p>I’m going to call my sister tomorrow about some of the things on this thread, including your issue. She is an amazing therapist…just has this instinct that knows the right approach to these kinds of things. I will post after I talk to her.</p>
<p>Califa - D1 graduated with 2 majors and a minor from Cornell. She had a job on campus for 4 years plus with a lot of ECs. At one point, she was also teaching ballet off campus. Her grades never suffered because of those activities. She worked every summer while in college. I do use the money card with our kids. Agreement was if she worked on campus, we continued with $200/mon allowance and we paid for a car, if her GPA fell below 3.0 we needed to re-evaluate her going to Cornell, and in order to live in her sorority she had to get better than 3.5. </p>
<p>When D1 came home from college, if she wanted use of the car or any niceties we provided for her, she had to help out around the house. </p>
<p>We have never threatened each other with our relationship. Our kids know it would never work with us. I am the one who plays the heavy with our kids. I usually gave them a frame work, as long as they operated within it there were very little involvement from me. As they got older, the frame work just became wider and wider, and it usually came about from them discussing their needs. </p>
<p>Calif - your D yells at you because she has something to gain from it (not doing the chores). You probably fight with her sometimes and when you are tired you give in. I would set the ground rule around the house on how she is to behave, and it would include her attitude towards you. If she does dishes after dinner, you will cook, otherwise she is on her own. I would go as far as eating out by yourself instead of cooking for her. Every time she yells at you, she loses car privilege. If need to, put a price on every chore around the house. If she doesn’t comply, do not engage her, just go through the consequences. If she starts to yell, remind her of what happens when she yells and then walk away. It takes 2 to fight. Kids are really smart, they will stop doing whatever when they get no result.</p>
<p>Sounds like Nanny 911–I wish kids came with an instructional video like that!</p>
<p>Thanks. Mom2collegekids, you’re right that there is no father in the house. She’s always been very strong willed and confrontational, and I’m more a pacifist and want to avoid arguments, so there’s a mismatch of personalities and a real power struggle going on here.</p>
<p>The card she pulls on me is that she’ll run off (when she’s angry she says “I’m through with you”) and she’s emotionally blackmailed me into getting an apartment I can’t afford because she said she would drop out of school if she had to live with strangers. I probably should have called her on it and let her. It gets back to her friends who are rich and have families who can afford cars and apartments.</p>
<p>She has pulled a disappearing act and run off to a cousin, who is not a reliable person and is not on good terms with me, out of state, and hasn’t even texted me to let me know she is OK. This cousin thinks I’m controlling and intrusive for wanting her to text me every day to let me know she is OK! (I don’t ask for that when she’s in college). I’ve told her that she can go where she wants, but I’m not going to subsidize it (I guess that is pulling the money card, but I really don’t think I need to support her adventures - if it were something like an internship I would, but this is just hanging out and, I think, drinking).</p>
<p>As for the money card, she doesn’t realize that although I’d never cut off basics, I’m much less to give her money for extras when she treats me like dirt. I’ve tried to tell her that no matter what her grades are like she can’t treat people this way, but apparently I’m her punching bag and she’s decent to others.</p>
<p>I’m really looking forward to what your sister the therapist has to say about the whole issue of disrespectful kids who want to be treated like adults but act like toddlers throwing tantrums sometime.</p>
<p>Oldfort, I like your approach with your kids, but mine would run off to the cousin if I tried it. (The cousin has inherited wealth). I have suspended car privileges when she is especially nasty. Just wish she would understand that everyone, including family, deserves to be treated with a little kindness.</p>
<p>I try to walk away when she screams at me, but she follows me around! Guess I could get in the car and drive off and leave her to scream at the walls.</p>
<p>Sorry for venting!</p>
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<p>Guess what–she would quit screaming as soon as she lost her audience. That’s a fact.</p>
<p>My sister and BIL both worked at high pressured jobs when their kids were young. My nephew loved chips and pretzels. Every night when they came home the first battle was about whether he could have chips and pretzels before dinner. The answer fluctuated, depending on what kind of day my sister had. My nephew figured he didn’t have much to lose by throwing a fit, worse case scenario the answer was no, but he could also get lucky. </p>
<p>We didn’t put up with much of tantrum around our house. Our family and friends used to threaten their kids whenever they were bad about sending them to our house for a weekend for boot camp. When I retire maybe I’ll start a nanny 911, but hopefully I will have some grandchildren to look after and I will spoil them (giving them pretzels and such).</p>