Deleted the military conversation for a number of reasons.
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Thank you Skieurope!
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I am trying my best
I mostly want him to be happy and have a good relationship
I don’t understand a lot about mental health problems. But I know they are not his fault and he has some problems that he can’t seem to resolve.
I do support him. I try not to judge. But it is very hard when he lashes out and doesn’t do what he says he will do.
I don’t care what he wants to do. It is his choice. He can go to school, get a job, join the military, join the priesthood, join the peace corps. But whatever you choose, try your best. And if you change your mind, that’s fine. But making the same mistake time and time again makes no sense. In my opinion, doing nothing is not an option —- if he wants us to pay for his expenses. I think that is fair. And he has to take some responsibility for his life. If he is unable to function due to mental health problems, then I want him to try and address those problems by working on the hard issues in therapy or getting psychological testing
So much of this is easier said than done
Maybe to say he is lazy is not correct. It is more like self sabotage. I’m not judging him. I think he has problems and my heart goes out to him. Of course he didn’t WANT or PLAN to fail his classes. But he did. Time and time again. Even after telling me time and time again he would pass “this time”
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Also, my therapist thinks I have given him a lot of chances and a lot of support. She thinks he is taking advantage of us and he needs to figure thing out on his own along with his therapist and/or testing
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Also, I feel I am supportive
If I wasn’t, I wouldn’t pay for his school. And keep giving him chances and Pay for his school AFTER he failed classes. And I wouldn’t continue to pay for his rent and expenses. And I wouldn’t continue to support him going to a therapist and pay for that. And I encourage him to get tested. And I worry. And I cry. And I text him a lot to see how he is and if he wants/needs anything and invite him to lunch. Even though he hardly ever texts me back
So I would say I’m pretty supportive
My motto is “be a nice person. And do what you are supposed to do (class, responsibilities, work, etc)”. I try to follow that motto and I tried to teach my kids to live their life that way
I am not perfect. I make mistakes. But I try. And I always try to do what I say I will do
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My hope is that after some months/years I get to experience the success stories many of you have shared.
I am happy to hear that some of you or some kids went through some very rough patches and were able to bounce back and are doing well now
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First year in the dorm my kid did fine. Best grades hes ever had. He moved in with some new kids to a house, starting drinking, couldnt get a job, classes moved to online and he failed. Kid ended up inpatient mental health and in jail. Got back into therapy and on his meds, got a job and said he would do better. Still failed the one and only class he took. Im giving him one more try. Online school is not for my kid.
My son had neuropsych testing done as an adult (he had it when he was 5 as well). I think it helped my son to realize that he wasnt broken or stupid but that his brain does work differently and he has to apply certain strategies in order to be successful.
I agree that you have given him enough chances with paying for his schooling. I would cut back on paying for his all his expenses too.
(Eta, my son had an IEP starting at age 3. Was in therapy and on and off meds his whole life. Has adhd, anxiety, depression and LD’s. Those diagnoses dont define him. Hes a great kid with potential. And hes oh so funny. He just had a couple rough months. The “bad” roommates moved out. The others are in therapy as well. Hes truly doing better. )
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PLEASE don’t think anyone here is attacking you in any way! ALL of this is easier said than done! I do think this entire discussion would fare better under parent cafe which has a long history of dealing with these situations. I’ve been on this forum for years and you are certainly not alone in dealing with this! I’m suggesting the forum change because there are more people there I think that have “been there, done that” that may not be on parents forum and see your questions. Lots of wisdom over the years.
You are supportive! And it’s HARD! A lot of us know firsthand! Which is why some of the suggestions may seem like a mandate that seems impossible. But–hang in there. There are no judgements here. Only a rooting section!
First–I’d get this switched to parent’s cafe where hopefully some other voices chime in.
Second–make your OWN plan. Set your OWN goals concerning your son.
For your particular situation I’d try to convince your son to sign a HiPAA agreement so you can freely talk with his therapist and find out about medications and where therapy is going. At least you’d be in the loop.(
He may not want another therapist but 10 months with no results (even getting him to take some simple diagnostic tests which aren’t taxing) is nearly a year too long.
No one doubts you’re a nice person! But you may need to play this a lot tougher than you think. Him getting a job is a big step in the right direction.
He may have the idea (as way too many people do) that needing medication is a weakness or failing in some way. If you got the flu and need meds, you’d get a prescription. If you broke your leg, the doc would wrap it in a cast. The brain is no different. It’s all a balance of brain chemicals sometimes. Literally.
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Parenting is hard, and only gets harder as we age.
Good luck, you are trying your best, and hopefully he is too. As long as you are there to gently guide and support him and offer a loving helping hand, that’s more than a kid can ask for.
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Thank you
And thank you for telling me about parent cafe. I will look to see what that is and if I can switch the thread over to that. I am not so familiar with College Confidential and was just grasping at straws to think of a place to post. I’m truly grateful for everyone’s caring responses 
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I think threads like this are often in the parents’ forum not the parents’ cafe, since it concerns a student.
I wonder if there is an in-person support group you could benefit from. NAMI? He doesn’t have a diagnosis but that organization might be helpful.
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Your definition of lazy sounds like my son 
He went to a competitive high school and got good grades without working very hard - I just thought it was innate intelligence, not laziness. I could never understand how his first D in college didn’t stop him from getting a couple more Fs and a D. Thankfully his school does grade replacement so his GPA is fine.
After we learned more about his mental health problems, I really felt for him. Who on earth wants to fail class after class and keep going back for more pain?? There has to be some underlying reason why your son is struggling and I don’t think it’s laziness. Someone mentioned you going with him to the therapist and/or psychiatrist and I think that is a great idea. Maybe a professional strongly encouraging the neuropsych test might work better than mom asking? I would go occasionally to the psychiatrist appointments to discuss medications, but other topics would get covered as well so they were helpful.
You did the right thing by not paying for more schooling after failing numerous classes. My son is receptive to help (tutors, therapy, neuropsych test…), so I feel for you that yours is so resistant. The new job is a great step! Let him work without the pressure of school. If he is taking his job seriously and doing well with that, it’s a great sign that he may be ready for another baby step like one class at the CC. Since he likes to be in control, let him come to you with a plan. I learned in my therapy not to have high expectations. We had ups and downs for at least 3 years, and only the past year has felt like a true upward trajectory - all due to his behavioral changes and nothing that we as parents did.
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I wonder whether your son feels like your refusal to pay for classes is a vote of no confidence in him. He needs to know that’s not the case! It’s that what he’s doing now isn’t working for him, so it’s time to try something else. Doesn’t mean he can’t go back later.
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To me the main thing is to figure out what is the cause of him failing.
You say “he wasn’t trying”.
I have seen kids fail out/leave college because:
- Undiagnosed depression
- Undiagnosed Executive Function issues
- Dyslexia issues
- Too much gaming
- Too high a level college for them
- Trying to deal with online classes
- Mental Health issues
- Not sure if they like their major
- Covid/Quarantine issues…generally less structure
You need to be on his team…not fighting him. That isn’t to say that you need to throw money down a hole either.
Tell him that if his goal is to go back to college, you want that too…but you want to make sure he has addressed what the issue is…and to address it, he first needs to figure out what it is.
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I would add COVID!
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Agree. Thank you
I’ve been reading your posts and didn’t really want to reply but to say. . I’ve been through this exact thing.
With our son we had to let go for him to grab the rope himself. We took the car, the phone and just had to let him fly. We didn’t take him to therapists. It would have done nothing to help. These kids are used to living well and they will pick themselves up even if you don’t think they possibly can. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. He lived on friends couches for a few weeks but he finally took control of himself.
I now can tell you that it worked! There is nothing conventional about his path but he is thriving. He is 27 and independent. He works hard, lives with his friends (that are all out of college). On his own he paid to retake every failed class and just got a scholarship to finish at a great university. He will even be getting engaged to his girlfriend who has her doctorate soon.
I know this is not exactly what you want to hear. But my advice is to help him by not helping him. Google “failure to launch”. There is so much helpful information when you understand how much helping can hurt.
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@Lemons4 I would just caution that if @9101transfermum 's son has an undiagnosed challenge, whether ADHD, depression or something else, the advice to just let him go may not work out as well as it did with your kid. You can’t pull yourself up by the bootstraps when depressed, and no amount of effort can eliminate the difficulties of ADHD and other focus or learning issues. Sometimes our kids need our help, even when they resist it.
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Thank you
I looked up “failure to launch”. Fascinating. It is spot on. Now to find the underlying cause of it…
Thank you
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I agree and every child is different. However, at the risk of giving off the wrong impression. We helped him, and helped him, and sat with him and tried to force him to work. Then I would look over and he would be on his phone. He did not know how to appreciate what we were doing because I never made him understand in a way that actually “stuck”.
Also my son has been diagnosed with ADHD since first grade and refused to take the medicine because he is naturally thin and just couldn’t eat. I’ll add that he still won’t take it. It’s a struggle but he uses other coping mechanisms. That’s not something I recommend and a personal choice of his. We have others in our family that take it and thrive. I think I just have a stubborn (but great) boy. And I know all of yours are also!
Heads up mamas. It will be ok. You are all amazing parents to even worry enough to be on here. I have another one headed to college this Fall and I have my fingers crossed for great success.
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