Actually there is a lot of value to this advice. Your dau has to live with/get along with the roommie after all this settles down (for the time being) and it would be best that she sees your dau as a support and not a, for lack of a better word, “tattle tale”. The roommate’s current state is not stable, she has already sounded a bit suspicious and possibly paranoid, and she may feel that they are ganging up on her. While hopefully she will see them as supportive and concerned, anything is possible at this point. We don’t know what the relationship is between the roommate and her parents, nor the roommates history. If it were my dau, I’d perhaps have advised my dau to meet with the fa. and roommate together, or to be available to answer questions after the father has spoken to his daughter. We do not want things to escalate.</p>
<p>Cross-posted with Sally. While maybe the roommate might go home with her dad, what if she refuses to go? She might think she is fine (common in pts who are manic or hypomanic), and she does not sound like she meets criteria for involuntary hospitalizaation. In that case, if the dad goes home without her, then you have the OP’s dau whos is now rooming with a fragile girl who thinks she (the OP’s dau) ratted her out to her dad. Could be a recipe for unpleasantness.</p>
<p>Before calling me cynical, please note that OP flagged that roomie’s dad wanted to speak to HER daughter before seeing his own. Nothing in the original post indicated that these two girls are friends, or that the parents are friends. Let’s not forget that OP’s daughter was assaulted by this roommate. This parent flies out for an emergency visit, and wants to talk to the assault victim first before seeing his own daughter. Who’s to say that his daughter doesn’t fully realize now that she assaulted her roommate, potentially faces significant disciplinary and possibly even criminal charges, and that dad doesn’t want to do pre-emptive “damage control”?</p>
<p>I’ve never heard of a parent, concerned by a possible psychiatric breakdown of their child, wanted to do due diligence with the roommates first, unless it’s to minimize the potential trouble.</p>
<p>I think the OP’s D is/did the right thing. Roomies dad is coming out and needs a rational view and take of what is going on with his D. Since roomie called dad, I’m sure she realizes she needs the help also. I highly doubt there is “damage control” involved except for concern for his D.
As sseamom has said, with some proper medication the roomies behavior could change very rapidly for the better. It would be up to the OP’s D if she wanted to stay with her friend. And I’m glad the police weren’t involved–but I’m sure if OP’s D thought the situation would escalate she would have left or called the police if necessary.</p>
<p>It would be lovely if it resolves that smoothly. However, things could be more complicated than we know. The roommate could be having a psychotic break, could be having a mood disorder, could possibly be using substances, who knows. Regardless, whild meds and therapy can help, they are not a panacea and there is no magic wand. This will not all resolve instantly. She has to get in to see a Dr., has to get on meds, have them titrated to the best dose and stabilized. She has to be compliant with tratment and with her meds. This can all work if she gets in soon and is cooperative Lots of potential for problems.</p>
<p>Those who think that the father is flying out for “damage control” and plans to “intimidate” the OP’s D need to ask themselves whether that is what THEY would do in that position. </p>
<p>I can assure you that it would not even cross my mind.</p>
<p>I agree that it is unlikely that the roommate will be stabilized immediately. There are many steps involved in that sort of resolution, as jym says. WHich is why I think the OP’s D needs to move out, if the roomie is staying, or find another roommate, if the father takes her home. (Of course, he may WANT to take her home and she may refuse. If she is over 18, he can’t force her to go. And involuntary hospitalization is very tough to accomplish, and at least in our state, requires a process of review and escalating court involvement that makes it incredibly hard to keep the person in the hospital more than a few days.)</p>
<p>Perhaps I missed it, but I didnt see anyone suggesting that the suspected plan was for damage control and/or to intimidate the OPs dau. But I DO think, having seen these situations go south, that all 3 should meet simultaneously-- no “pre-meeting” with the roommate. My $.02</p>
<p>All very true,jym. But OP’s D knows this roomie from better times (or she wouldn’t have moved in) and knows there is something wrong. It’s still her decision on whether she wants to stay with her. I would not want her to be a babysitter or made responsible in any way for her roommates behavior–that’s way to much to ask emotionally.</p>
<p>Consolation: Of course I’m not saying “damage control” as only motive for dad’s visit. But if that was my troubled daughter, I’d find her immediately sans roommate, evaluate her situation, and head to the ER for a wellness check. (That’s standard procedure for a psychiatric crisis.) OP’s daughter’s assessment is no substitute for a psych eval, which is needed here. Physical assault is a huge red flag here; this wasn’t a late-night fight between two drunken frat boys.</p>
<p>Over 18, you don’t necessarily get to drag even your DD to the ER unless she wants to go of her own free will. I’m hoping that the first reaction may be to find the closest observer of behavior to find out what was really going on–the ER people can’t do that and even the patient can’t always do that. Talking to a close roommate would be the best source. And I do think one-on-one would be beneficial.</p>
<p>I am with all those that have recommended that your daughter move out. You need to model to your daughter that physical violence is not o.k. and emphasize that she must reject anyone who who would physically assault her. Another poster mentioned that young people tend to minimize things, and I believe that is true. They are eternal optimists because many have not experienced the full force of life yet. The roommate has shown she has a tendency for violence, and your daughter needs to remove herself from the situation.</p>
<p>Worse yet, over 18, the ER people can’t tell a parent anything about a kid’s condition without permission from the kid. No matter how concerned a parent is about a child’s condition, they could find road blocks at all turns unless without that permission.</p>
<h1>1 Take care of yourself first and remove yourself to a SAFE location. (this is why they tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself before helping anyone else)</h1>
<h1>2 This situation is complex for a trained medical/psychiatric professional let alone a college student. Any numbers of multiple factors could lead to this situation and college health services may be aware of past problems. Mental patients off meds have seriously harmed people. (not to alarm you, but look up Kendra’s Law)</h1>
<h1>3 I would not want to speak with any of the roommates family members ALONE about this situation. Who knows what the motives are and you can never predict anyone thoughts/actions.This student could be on probation for similar behavior and parent is trying to mitigate damages.</h1>
<h1>4 Final exams are coming quickly and this distraction is unneeded.</h1>
<h1>5 I would be the helicopter parent from hell on this one.</h1>
<p>“I would be the helicopter parent from hell on this one.”</p>
<p>Likewise times 1000. I would also advise my D not to talk to the roommate’s father. Who knows if she would retaliate if your daughter tells him what happened. She would be further dragged into this mess at a time when she needs to focus on her finals. This roommates problems are quickly becoming your daughters. I would get her out of there.</p>
<p>'I’d bet that health services can’t do squat. They have zero authority to act based on a roomie’s complaints."</p>
<p>Health services can do something very important – give expert advice to the OP’s D. This sort of crisis is their bread and butter. It is very common that they hear about a problem from a roommate or friend rather than from the ill person. They will know who within the university has power to give the D emergency housing, how to help from a distance if the D wants to continue to help the friend, what local services to recommend, etc. So the D should seek them out for her OWN sake.</p>
<p>You say she is worried that, 1. roomie will hurt herself and 2. roomie will hurt her. Therefore she needs to 1. help her roomie and 2. protect herself.
She should 1. Find another place to live temporarily, move there, lock the door back at her place in order to protect her remaining belongings; and then 2. call her roomies parents with her concerns about the roomie hurting herself.
Bi-polar disorder commonly manifests itself at this age. The university should have information to help. Note that since she is an adult and living off campus, the university has no actual responsibility unless her behavior is affecting the school itself. Therefore, they may send your daughter to either the police or a local mental health facility.
But by all means, help the girl.</p>
<p>I’ll chime in here; when I was a sophomore one of my two apartment roomies tried to commit suicide in our apt. over the holidays. The dark days can bring out the depressive side in people with cycling mood disorders (I learned and recognized to a much lesser degree in myself). </p>
<p>1) SOOOO glad the roommate’s parents know. This is essential. They probably want both the truth of what is going on and to protect their dau.
2) OP’s Dau should get the school involved immediately so they are aware of what she is dealing with / what is going on. Perhaps her advisor or a trusted prof (or two) should be alerted. They will be understanding and may support her if something happens to make it challenging for her to get her work done. It probably already has been challenging to get her work done.
3) Make sure the parent is told that other students have noticed there’s a problem. Possibly one or more of those students could share the meeting with the parent?
4) Alert student health services that there is a problem. They can advise re/ police perhaps?
5) Police deal regularly with mental health issues these days so they can probably advise you as to the correct procedure and what is best to do to protect yourself.
6) Agree that it is time to toss out any “helicopter” baggage and get involved however much you are moved to.
7) Sorry to say but do not be surprised if some odd reactions come your dau’s way as she moves through this. For example, my roommate’s psychologist told my other roommate and me this wouldn’t have happened if we had been nicer. Years later a therapist friend gasped when I mentioned this one. But as other posters have pointed out the ill friend can say some horrible things about the others around her because her perception of reality is skewed.
8) Staying away given the violence is good advice IMO.
9) Make sure someone (preferably the dad or health services) communicates to the roommate that she seems to be experiencing a health crisis.</p>
<p>10) Finally plz take all I say with a grain of salt since I’m not a mental health professional, but speak only from my own story and experience.</p>