<p>I don't know if NSM is right or not about OP's motivations.</p>
<p>Kids his age are quite capable of making a mistake, of not foreseeing the consequences of their actions, of thinking that the "grass is greener" and finding out that it isn't, of being tempted.</p>
<p>So, I don't think that OP's actions prove that he is ready to move on. It could well be that his distress is owing to the college adjustment, but it could just as well be that his distress is due to the consciousness of having made a mistake.</p>
<p>I think that OP should figure it out, and soon--and, if a mistake was made, to see if it can be rectified. </p>
<p>Meanwhile, IMO, he should not talk to her, nor inform her of his deliberations, while he is figuring it out.</p>
<p>Things are going good in college. I haven't joined any clubs, but I'm good at making friends and have met some people. For fun, I'm either hanging out with the guys across the hall or hanging out with some other friends. I'm not hanging out in the dorm.</p>
<p>Once again, thanks for your advice ADad. I think I'm going to wait until the end of October and see how I am then.</p>
<p>I am in total agreement with Northstarmom's comments:
"I think he's using her -- leaning on her until he feels comfortable in his new environment.</p>
<p>The way he describes things -- suggesting that both of them date others to see if there's anyone out there better -- also indicates to me that he was not head over heels in love with her. If he was, he wouldn't have been so attracted to the pretty girls on campus. Sounds to me like while he was in high school, he settled for dating her, but now he wants better -- just doesn't yet know if he can get better."</p>
<p>As someone in their forties who has been married for 20 years, it's obviously been a long time since I personally went through this craziness...but I've been following the thread and reading the OPs comments reminded me of an identical situation that happened to me when my boyfriend went off to college (I was still in high school). First we decided to stay committed to each other. Then (predictably) he met a girl and decided we should see other people. Then I met someone else, and all of a sudden he didn't like the idea so much. It was the whole "have your cake and eat it too" thing. </p>
<p>To me, the OP appears to want the girlfriend to keep pining over him by "checking in" every so often or deciding every once in a while that he cares about her so much and that she needs his help, etc. But he also wants to keep an eye out for something better.</p>
<p>he says she calls him....and she is 1/2 of this relationshi, why are we diminishing her side of all this? </p>
<p>As a mom of girls, I have seen the "drama" type over and over again....maybe he wants her to pine, maybe not, but she is also calling him, talking about all her problems, and from what he talked about before, the exGF having two friends angry at her for "flirting" and boyfriend stealing, you tell me, is this girl really a victim or does she have control over what she is doing</p>
<p>people aren't giving her enough credit for also playing him</p>
<p>Dating is part of the search for who you are and how you want to live your life. It involves often dreary spells of being downright lonely, random crushes on people who may not resemble each other much, exposure to being rejected, and "facing up to being on the wrong track and needing to break up with someone nice" and it is best if you can also have a great network of friends in college to weather all the "in between" relationship time along with you. It is possible to date your high school sweetheart on summer break and vacations and not be in an exclusive relationship, accepting that she can also fall in love elsewhere at anytime. Plenty of people manage maintaining some dating options with people special to them in the past but there are risks that you will grow too far apart or be replaced of course. Few 19 year olds are ready for any commitments when they have yet to even select a major, their stance on religion, their view of success, their goals and values, and they are in flux in terms of how they wish to separate from their home towns and family of origin.<br>
Personal history for me included dating and writing letters to a perfectly smart, good hearted young man but when he transferred to be closer to me and I was only 19, I broke it off as I had not encouraged that move and I thought we were dating not tied to a lifetime bond. While I could see that I was going to lose the attention of a very good person, I wanted to find myself for a while solo and did not want to live as if I was engaged to be married. I did not know who I was or who I wanted to become and wanted to enjoy the journey a bit. He actually married his next girlfriend and was loyal to her the rest of his life and was a very stand up guy. He also turned out to be a person whose political beliefs are quite unsuitable for mine, whose take on religion does not jive with mine and whose values in many other realms clash with mine now. But how can you know or guess these things when you are 19? We were too young to care much about politics, church or religion and we were all too poverty stricken to really have a clue about lifestyles that were going to be right for us at age 30. I have come to understand that some people really do want that marital relationship decided before they venture into the real scary world and they want to grow up as part of a team when they face college and the work force, they face it all as a couple. Nothing wrong with that. As far as I can see, my college freshman boyfriend and his spouse enjoyed growing up together and being exclusively committed to each other as they got their educations, and entered the work force. You need to ask yourself the broader question of whether or not you are looking for that kind of team for yourself right now. If not, put on your seat belt because a few years of dating will have its ups and downs.</p>
<p>Whether or not OP's girlfriend is playing him really does not matter to me. I still think he has to figure out for himself whether he is interested or not. One additional reason I agree with everyone's advice that he not talk to her is that, while she is spared uncertainty about him, he also is spared from whatever efforts she could be making to keep or influence him while he thinks things over.</p>
<p>I don't see OP's decision at the moment to be of a long-term nature. IMO he is not, and should, be deciding that now. The question IMO is should he continue to date her for the time being. If yes, then whether or not that leads to anything in the future will be determined in the course of that reestablished relationship.</p>
<p>"people aren't giving her enough credit for also playing him"</p>
<p>I don't see her as playing him. He broke up with her. Apparently, she didn't want to break up, and still has romantic feelings for him. Consequently, she's doing what she can to get him back. That's not playing him.</p>
<p>He seems to be playing her by giving her conflicting messages that include breaking up with her and then suggesting that it's not really over.</p>
<p>Greg Berendt's book, He's Just Not that Into You, simplifies whether or not to continue a relationship by stepping back and using common sense.</p>
<p>For example, from the GF's perspective, a BF who breaks up with you for ANY reason is simply Just Not that Into You! He may come back to her later or not, but for right now, Rich is just not that into her! To continue talking to her will just make GF feel worse because, he's just not that into her!</p>
<p>(bought this book for D so she'd see that her BF was Just Not That Into Her, but she never cracked it...I read it cover to cover, though! :) )</p>
<p>Go, be supportive, and that is all....don't get too physical or too much alone time, but you can be nice, and helpful, and caring....</p>
<p>grandparents die, they do, this was not unexpected, still sad of course, but she will be fine, and if she is not, then it is beyond anything you can
"fix"....</p>
<p>ok, i have read this thread, rich, cut the ties! My D went through similar situation last year. It has turned out very badly...tried to be friends, he kept in touch regularly and just enough to keep her hopes up...then enters the new gf with no warning. Heartbreak is hard, but dragging it on is just cowardly and cruel. For both your sakes end it, enjoy your college days, stay on campus and find the fun you think you want. Staying in touch is slow torture.</p>
<p>I'm starting to see a pattern on this thread by the OP...comparing it to the contact he is probably having with ex-girlfriend. (If thread loses a bit of interest and a few days go by without a comment, OP posts a little something to bump to top and get a bit more attention.) Anyone else see any parallels or is it just me? (Plus, OP is posting same story on two threads.)</p>
<p>Anyway, i asked her if we would be alright seeing each other for the first time. she said, "after this weekend, i'm past that," implying that she has found someone good for her. hearing that she might truly be gone made me miss her really badly. i've been mentally teeter-tottering on reasons why it would be a good to go back and why not to.</p>
<p>
[quote]
My D went through similar situation last year. It has turned out very badly...tried to be friends, he kept in touch regularly and just enough to keep her hopes up...then enters the new gf with no warning. Heartbreak is hard, but dragging it on is just cowardly and cruel. For both your sakes end it, enjoy your college days, stay on campus and find the fun you think you want. Staying in touch is slow torture.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>As another parent of a D with a similar experience, we also experienced the keeping in touch just enough to keep her hopes up. Then, even after a new GF, there were these funny mixed messages from the ex-BF..<br>
[quote]
...hearing that she might truly be gone made me miss her really badly. i've been mentally teeter-tottering on reasons why it would be a good to go back and why not to.
[/quote]
Yep, D would try to move on, and then he would even go so far as to mention that, when the current GF was out of the picture, they still might have a chance to get back together.</p>
<p>Don't go to the funeral. Not a time to intrude with your regret and misgivings at a time she and the family are grieving a loss. Get on with your life. You would not be going to show your condolences anyway. That is now clear.</p>
<p>On second thought, I have changed my opinion...don't go to the funeral, you are soooo not ready for it....and you know what....with how your ex has acted since you went away...I wouldn't trust her emotions and her word...sorry...but she has shown she has some boundary issues and my guess is that she would not be on the up and up even during a funeral weekend</p>
<p>so, send flowers, a really nice note, and move on</p>
<p>and your motivations are not clear either....call her mom, say you wish you could come back, but it is not possible, and you are very sorry for her loss</p>
<p>and again, if ex GF seems to not be coping, it is a bigger issue than you can handle or should...she has her parents....</p>
<p>Your proper role at the funeral would be solely to offer condolences to the family (I am assuming that you would be considered welcome by the family, given that your ex-girlfriend asked you to come).</p>
<p>If you are so conflicted that you can't go solely to offer condolences, but must also have your ex-relationship on your mind, then I agree with the others, don't go.</p>
<p>Send a note or flowers instead.</p>
<p>IMO, don't call her parents. </p>
<hr>
<p>To change the subject: have you ever done or considered doing some significant volunteer work? Like, say, coaching youth sports, or tutoring underprivileged children? </p>
<p>It appears to me that you are perhaps too self-absorbed and might benefit from the maturity and broadening of perspective that meaningful volunteer work can bring.</p>