<p>For those whose kids are unhappy: It wouldn’t hurt to suggest that the student talk to advisors at college about the transfer process. For one thing, it gets the student talking to advisors. Also, the student will find out that transferring to a school of comparable – or even slightly lesser – reputation requires very good grades. These are not bad outcomes.</p>
<p>Back to twoparent’s D’s dilemma - I totally agree with posters who say the D should take care of it. With 6+ total years of kids away I have never stepped in but in this case if it were my child I would give the D one chance to go above the RA’s head and if the RD or whoever is unsympathetic I would step in. I guess the contract situation raises alarm bells that there is collusion for this type of behavior as a policy - I would want to know for the floor? the dorm? the college? The D may be rapidly approaching sleep deprivation - and her academic record taking a plunge - twoparent may have to step in. Give D a chance but be ready to step in need be.</p>
<p>LasMa - my heart goes out to those posting that their kids aren’t adjusting because I have 2 highly sensitive kids who are very slow to adjust and take lots of coaching. They are essentially extremely independent and motivated but their sensitivity dials are set too high. They pick up waaaaayyyyyy too much information. After years of struggle (S in boarding school) I have developed some ‘logic’ to get through the emotion and get them thinking clearly when they are in a panic state. Earlier I posted about having them give me a number to describe how they are doing overall with 1 being absolutely horrible and 10 being totally fantastic. When they are telling me they have no friends, they are going to come home, etc. and they also say they are a 5 - well the discussion ends. They are staying. Also making lists of the problems helps them identify what is troubling them. I also require an effort of telling me what they do like - can be very revealing of their actual circumstances.</p>
<p>Absolutely do have them see the counselor. Also are they eating, drinking water? Taking vitamins - exercising - breathing? Half the time I think the problems arise because of physical adjustments to the new environment - they perceive it as emotional.</p>
<p>In a funny way, I’d like nellen’s and LasMa’s daughters to advise each other. They cannot see through the emotion in their situations, but I’ll be they could each see that the other’s judgment was being clouded by emotion. In doing that, they’d likely develop some perspective on their own situation.</p>
<p>Thank you all so much for your replies. To answer some questions, I think the sorority rush has a lot to do with the unhappiness. She dropped out after she didn’t get invited back to the sorority she wanted. I was a legacy and we thought no problem, but we were wrong because there was a girl in that sorority that just didn’t like my daughter and made sure she was cut. Anyway, she was very social in high school and expected to be in college. And she is, she is not sitting in her room, she is going out. I think a lot of her problem is just normal college adjustment. We can’t get her to think logically. So therefore feel helpless. She is going to visit a friend at another university this week-end. Don’t want her to, but think that maybe this will help. One problem is, this university is out of state and the tuition would really be difficult for us. Also we know she will face some of her same issues. We are just beside ourselves because we are afraid she is going to make some really big mistakes. Hopefully time will help.</p>
<p>So true shawbridge! I bet they could both give the other excellent advise! Reminds me that on occasion I would try to get my kid’s to think if their life was a tv show how would they advise their ‘character’ to behave or I would sometimes try to get them to try to be an observer and ‘advise’ themselves on what to do.</p>
<p>Good luck nellen - can you remind her that ‘the grass is always greener’ before she goes? Hopefully visiting will give her some perspective.</p>
<p>We’ll get to see our son this weekend. He’s debating at a college in Boston and is staying at the house of the parents of one of the debate team leaders. It is two suburbs closer to Boston than we are. We offered to have him and his partner and others stay at our house, but he wants to a) fit in; and b) bond. So, we’ll drive in to meet him briefly in Boston. </p>
<p>I’ve never been able to watch him – I always helped him prepare and he said my presence would make him feel nervous. I wonder if I’ll be able to watch. Moot Court and debate are a bit of a stretch for him as his learning disabilities seem to make his speech a bit delayed and a bit slurry unless he concentrates. But, the neuropsychologist said his brain has been rewiring itself and the delay is much shorter and it is less work to speak clearly. I do think it is a bit courageous to put himself out for competition in an area in which he has real deficits, but he is so d**n smart that he’s done pretty well thus far. </p>
<p>He asked me to bring him some nicer clothes – apparently you can’t go to debate tournaments looking like a normal male college freshman shlump. But, here’s the big question: Should my wife make him an apple crisp to share tonight at the other kid’s house or tomorrow to take back to his college? Or will it just be too much complexity for him riding in other people’s cars to other people’s houses?</p>
<p>Mom should ALWAYS make the apple crisp! He’s a boy. She’s his mom. 
How exciting that you get to see him debate! I hope you enjoy it.</p>
<p>I agree poetgirl. And if he doesn’t want it, my son’s address is:… :)</p>
<p>Change of plans. The apple crisp will be easy. I’ll pick him up after the tournament (he still doesn’t want me to watch) and will work at home the next day (can use his mom’s studio to do art assignment) and we’ll drive him back to school on Sunday night. We have good friends coming over for dinner tomorrow night (including the president of a local university that to which he was admitted but didn’t accept) but I think that he will prefer to hang out with his one friend who is taking a medical leave (from the same school). So, we’ll get to see the boy and have more than the logistical conversation.<br>
And we can send him back with an apple crisp.</p>
<p>Shawbridge… is there not opportunity to slip into the back and watch unseen? I used to play tennis. My Dad was an excellent player and whenever he watched me I would get so nervous I would play horribly and lose concentration. He started watching me from behind bushes. One day we were sitting at dinner and he casually said, “Don’t ever throw or slam your racket again… ever. It’s bad sportmanship.” I hadn’t played tennis that day, but I had thown my racket before. Let’s just say that from that day forward I never threw another racket… ever. Point being, I learned to not look for him during matches, and truth is, he never said whether he was there or not on any given day. But obviously sometimes he was watching…</p>
<p>I have not posted in awhile. Happy to post that things seem to be going well for my D. Contact with minimal at first…mostly one word replies to my once or twice a week inquires lol</p>
<p>One issue with one class with a professor that is her advisor so that complicated things lol and made for a bumpy few days but things seem to have turned around there.</p>
<p>So all is well…making friends, getting involved in groups,enjoys other classes lol. (Oh and mommy brag…auditioned and got Principal flute in the schools Wind Ensemble.)</p>
<p>Not to make light, in any way, of parent’s concern for their child’s circumstances: Sometimes a windy road is not a bad road – it’s just windy. Straight roads don’t always take us where we want or need to be.</p>
<p>I started college at 17, was unhappy dropped out. I got a job and worked for 5 years or so taking college classes at night. I found my area of passion, went back full-time and completed my degree aroung age 27. I’ve had a great life. My parents were probably worried sick when I quit, but they let me do what I felt I needed to do. It all came out OK.</p>
<p>I think if we loving parents give each of our kids the best advice we can, and they make a hard decision…so be it. I think having struggling kids talk to advisors at their respective colleges is a great idea. If they need to change universities - hopefully it will be done for the right reasons. If not, they will still probably be OK. just what I was thinking…</p>
<p>My freshman daughter is thoroughly enjoying herself, and even with a roommate who is much neater than she is. Only problem so far, dorm food. Makes me laugh to hear her say she misses my cooking which she used to complain about constantly. Other surprise, she calls me for advice. Can’t help smiling to myself.</p>
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<p>I couldn’t agree more. D started college right out of HS and bombed the experience. Moved home, went to CC (hated it), moved to be near the BF she found in college and got a job (they broke up eventually). Worked and paid her way completely. And then decided she wanted to go back to schol. Now, here we are a good five years later and she is freaking out over getting B+'s and complaining about freshman who fall asleep in class. Not a straight road by a long shot. The Journey, however, has well been worth it.</p>
<p>nellen and others, sometimes the fit was just wrong. Why spend more time someplace that is not right? </p>
<p>DD’s friend transferred in mid year freshman year from the school that she thought was the best, good scholarships, good atmosphere when she visited, friends going. She was wrong. She did not really understand the culture of the southern ACC conference, Greek based school and it just was not a good fit for her. </p>
<p>If they always picked right the first time there would be no transfers. If she is that sure, let her do all the work to do the transfer. That will tell you a lot. But do set financial limits if there are concerns. At some point you just have to ask them - what are you planning do to about it, and then listen and guide.</p>
<p>Modadunn, there might be a way to slip in unobserved as this is a very large tournament. At his Moot Court competitions, I would have been easily picked out. But, even here, I wonder how many of the spectators will not be college kids.</p>
<p>Thank you for all of your advice about my daughter and her roommate. I have been trying to coach her about standing her ground but not starting a war. I am encouraging her to talk to her roommate (with or without the RA) and review their contract. Right now, her roommate is ignoring my daughter but the boyfriend didn’t stay there last night, so I told her to be thankful for that. At least, she got a good nights sleep.
Although I have been a helicopter parent during HS, it didn’t even occur to me to get involved personally. So I appreciated the reminder that I could, and will at least consider calling the parents office and just brainstorming the situation with them.</p>
<p>D made an interesting comment…she had been disappointed to not make friends quickly…but recently commented that kids who made friends fast with other perceived “cool” kids are now not friends, which she knew would happen (she saw it in boarding school). So friendships are changing and she, she says, is benefitting. Happy for her on that part. She is a straight arrow so not “cool” by 18 year old standards apparently…but now that the serious studies are here (they have been in classes for 5 weeks) priorities and interests are shifting…interesting…I told her this would happen (so, yeah, I am glad it did!).</p>
<p>Those of you who talked about leaving and then going back to school later in life: One thing that greatly concerns me is that if D comes back home in December, once the emotional dust settles, she will believe that she has failed – on an epic scale – at something that everyone she knows is succeeding at. Did you feel that, and how did you deal with it?</p>
<p>LasMa it could happen or not. I watched closely 3 years ago when S1 had several friends that bailed on their colleges at Christmas. A couple of them did have regrets but the rest took 3 months to really think through what they wanted. All but 1 has returned to local colleges and seem to be doing just fine. 1 (a girl) has entered cosmetology school and won’t return to college. Another friend’s daughter bailed very early in the fall. Her dad was a prof so she enrolled in his college and then transferred to the state school where she graduated and everything worked out wonderfully. She never had any period of regrets.</p>